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single22-Oct-2004sex/relationshipslucki unsorted1021456.4%

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Is it okay to remain friends with ex-lovers when in a new relationship?




VotesAnswer
10No
36Yes - but friendship limited
30Yes
9Other


UserComment
BerrieGrrl
posted 23-Oct-2004 7:14pm  
absolutely (as long as it's not like 'friends with benefits' or something). i think someone who's friends with their ex-lovers really says something about them (in a good way).
EyesOfCharisma
posted 23-Oct-2004 7:34pm  
I have been going through this exact situation....
Where do I start..

When me and my SO met, he told me that him and his x are friends... I was like wow...cool....great... NOT!!! She is the HUGEST MOST CRAZIEST dog I have ever encountered in my LIFE! She has called the cops on me for hanging up on her, she has egged, and baby-oiled my car, She has walked into our house, and walked in on me in the bath, The list goes ON and ON!!!!!! For a long time, he wouldn't take a side, he wouldn't tell her that I didnt appreciate her going through our refidgerator, or through our drawers, and SO ON, so that meant that me and her would argue all of the time, instead of him (being a man) and saying "Hey, my girl is uncomfortable with you going through our drawers, and acting like you own our place" He would ignore it, until I snapped on the dog, and almost got into MANY fist fights with her... I mean this is just a TINY BIT of all the problems I have endured with this Skeeze.. At this point right now, they were in an arguement, and havent been talking that much, But I feel her slowly and slowly creeping her way back in here...  * rolls eyes * Did I mention they have a daughter together, and she is here like 4 times a week???  * rolls eyes *  * rolls eyes *  * rolls eyes *

Just make sure that there are boundaries, and that things don't get out of hand, you are responsible for keeping her in line, of course I realise that all people arent like the psycho narwhal that I have to deal with....
moonstone
posted 23-Oct-2004 8:13pm  
it depends...on a lot of things...you could remain acquaintances...but anything more, there is eventually going to be feelings from one side or the other...someone is always going to want 'one more time' with the other. so just to be safe..just no.
Enheduanna Survey Central Subscriber
posted 23-Oct-2004 8:47pm  
This is not a question I can answer. It really depends on the people involved. I think that at least in theory there's nothing abstractly wrong with it, but that doesn't mean it's always a good idea, or even possible.
Biggles Survey Qualifier
posted 23-Oct-2004 9:08pm  
Of course. But it takes two to make a friendship work in that situation (and probably all three of you) and that may not happen.
heyzeus1
posted 23-Oct-2004 10:01pm  
only when children are involved.
iamdonte
posted 23-Oct-2004 10:31pm  
nope...my ex-husband and I are the best of friends.
caviartaste
posted 23-Oct-2004 10:48pm  
Yes - but with limited friendship....If I hadn't maintained contact over the years with one of my ex's - he would not be my 2nd/current husband and the love of my life. I just made a mistake early on. Alot of us do when we're young. It's definitely not a bad thing to remain friends on good terms because you never know....
Zang
posted 24-Oct-2004 1:54am  
Of course! If your new sweetie objects, you should be very suspicious of their motives. The only women I've known like that turned out to be psychos!  * surprise *
Zang
(reply to lucki) posted 24-Oct-2004 1:57am  
What does "Yes - but friendship limited" mean?
justjulie
(reply to EyesOfCharisma) posted 24-Oct-2004 5:13am  
MAH!!!
::::dragon breath::::
ROCKMAN
posted 24-Oct-2004 6:57am  
Yes, if you get along ok and your new lover don't mind.
jettles Survey Central Subscriber Survey Qualifier
posted 24-Oct-2004 7:09am  
yes, i think it is great! i have a number of former lovers who are some of my oldest and dearest friends. if you think about it, you were together because you had something in common and that continues after the "relationship" is done. there is usually a period of time when you aren't close and then the friendship continues.
MetairieLad
posted 24-Oct-2004 7:49am  
It would be OK with me, but I have found that to be a problem with some other people.
judgescratch
posted 24-Oct-2004 9:04am  
It's okay if it's okay with all parties involved...(and usually, one out of the three has a problem with it), so no.
ASB
posted 24-Oct-2004 10:03am  
Sure, my best friend is an ex.
ElvisFan67
posted 24-Oct-2004 10:31am  
Other--it depends on how bad the breakup was.
bill Survey Central Gold Subscriber Silver Star Survey Creator
posted 24-Oct-2004 11:19am  
I'm not sure I uderstand the difference between the two "yes" answers...
I'm still friendly with some ex's
Fomo
posted 24-Oct-2004 11:37am  
I don't think I could do it successfully myself but my daughter has managed a great relationship with her ex-husband and his new wife. My daughter and her "new husband" have been married many years and they formed a wonderful relationship with the ex and his wife - probably because the two of them had a daughter (my granddaughter) they wanted to raise without all of that "anti-ex" crap that happens when two people divorce. Note* My granddaughter has been married for ten years (to the same man) and has given me two wonderful great-grandchildren! She's emotionally stable and happy and has benefitted from the great relationship between her biological parents.
killme1042
posted 24-Oct-2004 3:38pm  
it's too odd. you always get the feeling that you wanna just let go and make love to them
gambler Bronze Star Survey Creator
posted 24-Oct-2004 6:10pm  
No.......... It would not sit well with me. My ex-lover still works at the bank .... and I could not open an account there because of it. My company still has dealings with the Bank and I occasionally speak with her , we are on friendly terms but that is as far as it goes.
gambler Bronze Star Survey Creator
(reply to iamdonte) posted 24-Oct-2004 6:18pm  
My exes father was married to this woman who was still GREAT friends with her ex-husband to the point of having him over for dinners (the three of them ) and he could come and go as he pleased........... I thought this really weird.


I often see/hear of ex husbands/wives who get on great with there exes........... and I always wonder If they get on so well why the divorce?

The other thing is (For me anyway) when you have been intimate and now "you are just good friends" I couldnt do it
Iseult Bronze Star Survey Creator
posted 24-Oct-2004 6:20pm  
Why wouldn't it be?
iamdonte
(reply to gambler) posted 24-Oct-2004 8:03pm  
Many people make the best of friends but they simply can't live under the same roof. In my case, I can be friends with and remain friends with my ex-husband because I had been trying to live a lie for most of my life. I was trying to be "normal" because that was what was expected of me. I made his life and mine miserable. Grant it, we were intimate but I absolutely hated it and could never figure out what all the fuss was about. Then I admitted that I was gay and I have been happy ever since. My ex-husband is also happier since I stopped making his life miserable and now that he and I are no longer together, we can be friends. I've even gone to great lengths to help him find another job closer to where I now live so that our son can live between the two houses. Not sure I would let him come and go as he pleases, but I wouldn't treat him any differently than I would any of my other male friends.
gambler Bronze Star Survey Creator
(reply to iamdonte) posted 24-Oct-2004 9:00pm  
mmm In your case I can understand it because there is no way anything sexual will happen and there is no tension , but aside from your example I just know I could not accept it if my wife was close to her Ex and saw no problem with seeing him on a regular basis (unless kids were involved) I would feel that she does not respect my feelings on the issue..... I am not saying TOTAL cut-off ....... but why dinners/going out etc??
southernyankee
posted 24-Oct-2004 9:58pm  
yes. Its a sign of maturity on all people involved. It shows that you aren't an immature teenager anymore.
gambler Bronze Star Survey Creator
(reply to southernyankee) posted 24-Oct-2004 10:48pm  
You are a better person than me............ my wife and I are both jealous people she more than me because her ex-husband did a real number on her .......having children outside etc etc but I would take jealousy over apathy any day of the week............... No matter how mature you are, you can still feel jealousy in addition ......... No matter how secure/mature I am in my marriage if my wife were to say ........ "Oh Saturday I am going out with *name* (ex-lover, now friend) for dinner and a movie because he is in town and you will be at work"........ I cant see myself saying "Oh goody enjoy yourself and say hi for me"................
kcthedog
posted 25-Oct-2004 5:08am  
Discretion is the key word. Treading on dangerous grounds.
Maarten
posted 25-Oct-2004 10:44am  
Sure, if you can handle it.
I never could.
lucki
(reply to Zang) posted 25-Oct-2004 6:40pm  
Good question... my girlfriend... which is what this question came from... Her Friend/ex-lover wants individual time with her, explicitly without me. The relationship was an on/off one for years. I am nervous of his motives. I think it is a bad situation, but I am trying to asses what is an "normal" level of limitations on the friendship? So what would your limits be?
autumnlight
posted 26-Oct-2004 3:45pm  
Yes, of course - if neither of them have any feeling for eachother anymore.
Zang
(reply to lucki) posted 26-Oct-2004 9:07pm  
I would get "warning bells" from "wants individual time with her, explicitly without me". Not that I would have a problem with that otherwise, but the fact that he is specifically requesting your absence. If it were a matter of them hanging out, sometimes you're around, sometimes your not, no big deal...that would be fine. I wouldn't try to set any limitations (beyond what I said above), but I'd be asking her what she thinks of his request and where she thinks that's coming from. Communication is vital!
Irene007 Survey Central Gold Subscriber Bronze Star Survey Creator
posted 26-Oct-2004 10:09pm  
That really depends on the situation - if kids are involved, well of course!
thresholdking
posted 28-Oct-2004 10:25pm  
Certainly, why not
Willow
posted 1-Nov-2004 7:42pm  
I've tried it, and I didn't work out My latest ex hits on me when ever he gets the chance and it's extremely uncomfortable.
jasonmreece
posted 26-Nov-2004 1:08pm  
If it was a good relationship that just fizzled out, sure. I wouldn't remain friends with someone who cheated or mistreated me. I know it's a little different for straight folks, but amongst gays staying close to your ex is pretty common.
ghettoman
posted 23-Dec-2004 8:58pm  
Hell No........my "x" gurlfriend is trying to get me to be friends but she dumped me for another guy and some more gay reasons...... but i told her that i was not going to be friends and she keeps trying......soo shes draging my life down farther and if it ends....then just leave it alone........dont be stupid and go back.......
Updown
posted 3-Feb-2005 5:27pm  
Absotively.
anonymous
posted 7-Mar-2005 3:58pm  
I have rarely remained friends with an ex - always seems that someone still has feelings whether said or unsaid. Ultimately, it's trouble. Unless, you feel the same way. In which case, you really aren't 'just friends' are you?
darkroomdanny
posted 11-Mar-2005 7:34pm  
Yes. I've tried not to be friends with ex-lovers and it doesn't make you happier, just more frustrated. As long as only friends, yeah.
Starfish
posted 7-Apr-2005 3:47pm  
Yes. My girlf keeps in contact with most of her exes. I trust her completely, so I couldn't care less... I also quite like it, because it means that if we ever split up we too would keep in contact, which is a nice thought.
patarnone
posted 17-Apr-2005 6:11am  
What does "friendship limited" mean? (If I'm in a relationship, I'm not going to fudge an old flame.)

I'm still friends with all my old men. I just talk different to the ones that are dead.
bcollins
posted 30-May-2005 2:57am  
I don't really know how to answer this. I tend to have good-sized gaps between my relationships for the most part. They generally don't overlap at all. By the time I start a new relationship, my former girlfriend is already hooked up with someone else.
sexy1
posted 7-Jun-2005 3:34pm  
yes but it must be just friends!!!
nonamejj18
posted 15-Jun-2005 10:35pm  
yeh, it usually happens with me
chlohe
posted 15-Mar-2006 11:56am  
Depends on the situation. I have an ex who says he wants to still be friends and I'm all for that, but the problem is that lately he seems to want that "one more time" and mentions us getting back together once in a while even though I am engaged to someone else.
thethinker 8 year anniversary at Survey Central today!
posted 25-Oct-2006 9:20am  
Absolutely! I have remained friends with many ex's and have never crossed the "line". Those that don't think it's a good idea have trust issues, are generally closed minded and usually uneducated.
Gomezy3k
posted 5-Jul-2009 4:01pm  
Well sharing a house with old girlfriend. She now has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend so no biggie.
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