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I need cheering up: what is your favourite joke?

No matter how bad!


 


UserComment
justjulie
posted 31-Mar-2005 6:43pm  
michael jackson
patarnone
posted 31-Mar-2005 6:48pm  
I'll help you out! Which way did you come in?
darkshadowsseeker
posted 31-Mar-2005 6:52pm  
I dont know any jokes...sorry!  * frown *
LindaH Double Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
posted 31-Mar-2005 6:55pm  
I don't have one, but go look in forum. Ducklover went crazy in there!
gambler
posted 31-Mar-2005 7:19pm  
My fave at the moment is this:

75yr old woman living in a nursing home says to a 70yr old male resident "I really like you and was wondering if you would be up for some fun later ?"

The 75yr old guy says " SURE!!! everyone else is going on a day trip, I will come over tonight"

later on, the guy goes over to the woman's room and they both start getting undressed.

The woman say's " I love getting oral sex"
The guy says " Great, I love giving it"

so The guy puts his head between her legs and gets to work.

after 5 seconds he lifts up his head and says " I am really sorry, but it stinks down there real bad"

The woman says" Sorry. about that, its my arthritis"

The guy says " huh?...... even if you had arthritis THERE, it wouldn't smell like that????


The woman says " No No. I have arthritis in my shoulder and I can't wipe my ass properly"


I love that one
ElvisFan67
posted 31-Mar-2005 8:57pm  
"Jeet yet?"
dab
posted 31-Mar-2005 9:15pm  
I just read this one today so it's the only one I remember.

Officer: Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: Sure, buddy.
Officer: That's no way to answer an officer! Let's try that again! Do you have change for a dollar?
Soldier: No, SIR!
Iseult
posted 1-Apr-2005 12:22am  
a man walks into a bar.

auch.
bcollins
posted 1-Apr-2005 12:43am  
It's too dirty to print here.
icurok
posted 1-Apr-2005 6:00am  
I would but it's suddenly become inappropriate.
FordGuy Survey Central Subscriber Survey Qualifier
posted 1-Apr-2005 9:28am  
What do gay horses eat? Haaaaay.
BerrieGrrl
posted 1-Apr-2005 10:42am  
well, i don't have a favorite per se, but i'll tell you some that my son told me (just keep in mind he's 3).
What's a pirate's favorite letter? RRRRRRRRRR!
then recently he told his uncle that his butt was broken...when his uncle asked what happened, my son said "it has a crack in it"
BerrieGrrl
(reply to justjulie) posted 1-Apr-2005 10:43am  
 * laughing out loud * that's a good one.
justjulie
(reply to BerrieGrrl) posted 1-Apr-2005 11:19am  
 * wink *
Wolfgang
posted 1-Apr-2005 12:23pm  
one day, a small group of people decided to get together and learn how to communicate without using any vocal means whatsoever. so, they decided to use the computer as a way of communicating with each other. yes, we will type in our thoughts and idea's...and we will communicate this way. but what about our emotions, one member of the group said..how can we convey our emotions. this required great thought until everyone came up with the same thought at the same time:, "When in doubt, we can ask each other how we feel!!". The small group of people clapped knowing their emotions could be safely communicated, as well as their thoughts and idea's.
BillyBobBob
(reply to Wolfgang) posted 1-Apr-2005 1:00pm  
interesting...
Wolfgang
(reply to BillyBobBob) posted 1-Apr-2005 1:08pm  
 * love *
gingersnap
posted 1-Apr-2005 3:18pm  
What did the snail say when it was on the turtle's back?


Weee!
darkroomdanny
posted 1-Apr-2005 3:44pm  
What do you call a fish with no eye's?

fsh.
Zang
posted 1-Apr-2005 3:49pm  
Got your nose?
Danger
posted 1-Apr-2005 4:55pm  
My best friend's favorite joke (the worst joke ever)
There are two sausages frying in a pan. One sausage turns to the other and says "It's getting kind of hot in here!" The other sausage yells, "Oh my god, a talking sausage!!"

And a similar joke that I actually like:
There are two souffles baking in the oven. One souffle turns to the other and says "It's getting kind of hot in here!" The other souffle deflates.
caviartaste
posted 1-Apr-2005 7:42pm  
Dyslexic guy walks into a bra....
Matty
(reply to Starfish) posted 1-Apr-2005 7:44pm  
Ok here goes.

A guy and girl are driving on a country road in Summer time and they start fooling around. As they begin to take their clothes off and throw them in the back seat, their clothes fly out the back window unnoticed, except for the shoes, belt, pocketbook, things like that..

All of a sudden...they are out of gas. The guy figures he'd better walk back to town and get a can of gas, naked or not. The girl refuses that plan, stating she would be all alone in the country. So, the guy finally agrees to let her go into town, but she has to take his shoes to cover her private parts. Heck, at least something can be covered.

The girl finally makes it into town and says to the gas station attendant, " Thank God I made it here; sir, you have to help my boyfriend and me." The gas station attendant looks puzzled for a moment and then finally says "Lady, if he's stuck that far in, there's nothing I can do for eithet one of you."  * wink *
caviartaste
(reply to BillyBobBob) posted 1-Apr-2005 7:47pm  
is it just me or are you and Wolfgang starting to form some "time, love and tenderness"??  * raspberry *
BillyBobBob
(reply to caviartaste) posted 1-Apr-2005 8:05pm  
haha it's just you. I don't know what's wrong with Wolfgang
Matty
(reply to bcollins) posted 1-Apr-2005 8:12pm  
ah, what a jip.
Matty
(reply to icurok) posted 1-Apr-2005 8:13pm  
you too, come on, tell the joke.
Matty
(reply to BillyBobBob) posted 1-Apr-2005 9:36pm  
Matty
(reply to Starfish) posted 1-Apr-2005 11:00pm  
how are women's breasts like complicated toy train sets?
they are originally intended for kids, but it's daddy who winds up playing with them


In sex ed class a tacher draws a penis on the blackboard and asks the class what it is. Johnny responds...,"OOh OOh, I know, that's a tooth brush."
The teacher asks, "what makes you say that Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "Because Daddy brushes my mommy's teeth every morning with his."


Johnny comes home from school and his visiting grandmother asks him what he's learned.
Johnny responds "Well, an erection is created when the heart pumps blood into...."
Grandma interrupts," What on earth are you saying, where did you get that from?"
Mommy overhears and interupts herself, "It's ok, nanna, he's taking sex-ed; it's nothing to worry about."
Grandma, aghast, tells Johhny to go upstairs.
Johnny goes to his room, pops in a porno, and starts jerking off.
A few minutes later Grandma comes into Johnny's room, sees what's going on, and says, "Johnny, put away your homework; it's time for supper."
bcollins
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:44am  
Sorry but there are kids on the site.
smth_vkk
posted 2-Apr-2005 6:21am  
What do you get when you cross a griaffe and a hedge hog?


a long neck toothbrush!!
Matty
(reply to bcollins) posted 2-Apr-2005 8:06am  
who have parents
Starfish
posted 2-Apr-2005 12:38pm  
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
Starfish
(reply to smth_vkk) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:42pm  
Nice one!  * wink *
Starfish
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:43pm  
You're sick but I like it!  * smile *
I always thought you were so innocent and sweet... now I know better!!
Starfish
(reply to Zang) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:44pm  
He he
I like it
Starfish
(reply to ElvisFan67) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:44pm  
Don't get that one, sorry....
Starfish
(reply to justjulie) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:45pm  
Ha!! Good one.  * wink *
Matty
(reply to Starfish) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:49pm  
innocent an sweet, really? Well, I can be sweet, especially with my family, but I haven't been innocent in a long time.
1. I'm married with a child.
2. I was a soldier for 8 years and have 3 combat tours of duty
3. I work in the intel/security corridor of the US federal government
4. I have a Master's of Public Administration.
5. Prior to my getting married, I made Madonna look like...the Madonna.
Starfish
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 12:53pm  
Sorry, I'm not meaning to pass judgement!
That was just my first impression of you, maybe because of the photo that you had on here when I joined? You looked everso... naive.
Matty
(reply to Starfish) posted 2-Apr-2005 1:00pm  
thank you, I'll take that as a compliment, and I didn't think you were passing judgement. I thought you were letting me know how you felt.

I just wanted to give you a little background to understand me more.

I hope you don't think I was insulted; tone is so nebulous on the net; isn't it?

Perhaps my innocent looks made me such a successful bachelor: women felt safe and wanted to cuddle and talk; I usually gave them the BONUS PLAN  * wink *



Holy cow, I just saw your picture; you're beautiful!!! Ummm, don't take that as a come on; I am happily married; it was just a remark
Starfish
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 1:12pm  
Yeah, I agree, tone is a tough thing in emails. I think I often get tone wrong in mine, and come across as either quite rude or quite stupid. Emoticons help though, a little.

As for your last comment, I'm flattered, but I wish I looked like that! That's not me, that's Scarlett Johannsen, but I agree also, she is stunning!
Matty
(reply to Starfish) posted 2-Apr-2005 2:20pm  
 * laughing out loud * maybe I am naiive after all.  * wink *
Zang
(reply to Starfish) posted 2-Apr-2005 3:06pm  
 * raspberry *
bcollins
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 5:14pm  
Yes but parents are not always aware of what their children are viewing on the web.
Matty
(reply to bcollins) posted 2-Apr-2005 5:16pm  
I'm sorry, I am not responsible for lack of parent suprevision; this site is filled with adult topics and language.
bcollins
(reply to Matty) posted 2-Apr-2005 5:24pm  
I understand that but I wasn't referring to your joke but the one I don't want to post. While I choose to censor myself as to this joke, I don't expect anyone else to follow suit.
ElvisFan67
(reply to Starfish) posted 2-Apr-2005 6:31pm  
It's a redneck translation for "Have you eaten recently?"  * wink *
Matty
(reply to bcollins) posted 2-Apr-2005 8:59pm  
Ok, fair enough, I get your point and stand corrected.
bcollins
(reply to Matty) posted 3-Apr-2005 12:33am  
 * smile *
justjulie
(reply to Starfish) posted 3-Apr-2005 8:58am  
 * wink *
Starfish
(reply to justjulie) posted 3-Apr-2005 10:37am  
 * wink *  * ? *
Hi
Starfish
(reply to ElvisFan67) posted 3-Apr-2005 10:38am  
Is that a joke?
Sorry, I'm from UK and easily confused
JessicaWoman99 Triple Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
posted 3-Apr-2005 4:29pm  
Life is not all that bad sweety they would say to me. Come on cheer up do not beat yourself up
ElvisFan67
(reply to Starfish) posted 3-Apr-2005 6:40pm  
Aah--so you've never heard of Jeff Foxworthy. He's a really funny comedian here in the states, and he tells a lot of redneck jokes.

Well, if you still need cheering up, here's one I read in a book:

JUDGE: Is it true that you shot the deceased twice?
DEFENDANT: Now, Your Honor, this whole court knows there's no truth to that at all--I downed him with one shot!
 * laughing out loud *  * smile *
JessicaWoman99 Triple Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
posted 3-Apr-2005 8:55pm  
A favorite joke is Jeff Foxworthy lost his balls and his penis
darkshadowsseeker
(reply to Starfish) posted 3-Apr-2005 9:02pm  
While this isn't necessarily my favorite, it's still funny:
Jesus and Satan were arguing over who was better with computers. Finally, God suggested they settle it. Each would spend two hours using spreadsheets, designing web pages, making charts and tables-everything they knew how to do.
The two sat down at their keyboards and began typing furiously. Just before the two hours were up, a thunderstorm knocked the power out. Once it came back on, they booted up their computers.
"It's gone! It's all gone!" Satan began to scream. "My work was destroyed!"
Meanwhile, Jesus began quietly printing out his work. "Hey, he must have cheated!" Satan yelled. "How come his stuff wasn't lost?"
God shrugged and said simply, "Jesus saves."
justjulie
(reply to Starfish) posted 4-Apr-2005 8:50am  
um...HI!

(am confused about your confusion, or am i just plain ole confused and you're not confused?)
icurok
(reply to Matty) posted 4-Apr-2005 9:08am  
> you too, come on, tell the joke.

The survey isn't marked "offensive" and most of my jokes are! In light of the presence of a new member, I'm keeping my mouth shut.
Cain
posted 4-Apr-2005 12:44pm  
It's a visual one, hard to explain without being able to show you. Sorry!

The first joke that springs to mind though -

The dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa..........
Matty
(reply to icurok) posted 4-Apr-2005 2:44pm  
I understand; I was feeling a little surly that day anyway.
JessicaWoman99 Triple Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
(reply to darkshadowsseeker) posted 4-Apr-2005 11:46pm  
Yes what is so funny about this? It is not one bit funny
darkshadowsseeker
(reply to JessicaWoman99) posted 5-Apr-2005 1:18am  
Whatever!  * rolls eyes *
Starfish
(reply to darkshadowsseeker) posted 6-Apr-2005 12:35pm  
Good one!
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:28pm  
In the town square a nasty crowd had gathered, intending to stone to death a prostitute. From the crowd, Jesus strides forward, holds up his arms and yells "Let ye without sin cast the first stone!"

The crowd is contrite, for none amongst them can honestly say they are without sin. Then a little old, withered up woman comes hobbling up, picks up a good size rock and beans the prostitute right between the eyes.

Jesus just stands there with his hands on his hips and says, "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off!"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:28pm  
World War III

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:29pm  
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After a while the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:30pm  
"The O.J. Murder Trial" by Dr.Seuss

I did not kill my lovely wife.
I did not slash her with a knife.
I did not bonk her on the head.
I did not know that she was dead.
I stayed at home that fateful night.
I took a cab, then took a flight.
The bag I had was just for me.
My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be.
When I came home I had a gash.
My hand was cut from broken glass.
I cut my hand on broken glass.
A broken glass did cause that gash.
I have nothing, nothing to hide.
My friend, he took me for a ride.
Did you take this person's life?
Did you do it with a knife?
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not anytime.
Did you hit her from above?
Did you drop this bloody glove?
I did not hit her from above.
I cannot even wear that glove.
I did not do it with a knife.
I did not, could not kill my wife.
I did not do this awful crime.
I could not, would not, not anytime.
And now I'm free, I can return
To my house for which I yearn.
And to my family whom I love.
Hey now I'm free -- Give back my glove!!
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:31pm  
Four guys were telling stories in a pub. One guy leaves to go to the restroom.
Three guys were left...........

The first guy says,"I was worried that my son was going to be a loser because,
he started out washing cars for a local dealership. Turns out that he got a
break,they made him a salesman, and he sold so many cars that he bought the
dealership. In fact,he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new
"Mercedes" for his birthday."

The second guy says,"I was worried about my son too because he started out
raking leaves for a realtor. Turns out he got a break,they made him a
commissioned salesman, and he eventually bought the real estate firm In
fact,he's so successful that he just gave his best friend a new house for his
birthday."

The third guy says,"Yeah, I hear you. My son started out sweeping floors in a
brokerage firm. Well,HE got a break, they made him a broker, and now he owns
the brokerage firm.In fact,he's so rich that he just gave his best friend $1
million in stock for his birthday."

The fourth guy comes back from the restroom. The first 3 explain that they are
telling stories about their kids so he says,"Well, I'm embarrassed to admit
that my son is a major disappointment.He started out as a hairdresser and is
still a hairdresser after 15 years.In fact,I just found out that he's GAY and
has SEVERAL boyfriends. But I try to look at the bright side,his boyfriends
just bought him a new Mercedes, a new house, and $1 million in stock for his
birthday!"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:32pm  
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a pictures of
a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what is is. No one raises their hand. The
teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?"

Sally holds up her hand and asks "Is it a giraffe?"

"Very good Sally,"the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra.
None of the students holds up their hands. "See the strips on this animal?What
animal has strips?"

Billy holds up his hand and says "It's a zebra."

"Very good Billy,"the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer.
None of the students recognized the animal.

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?"

Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something you mother
calls your father."

Johnny shouts out "I know what is is, it's a horny bastard!"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:33pm  
There was a very religious man named Jim, who lived near a river. One day, the river rose over the banks and flooded the town, and Jim was forced to climb onto his porch roof. While sitting there, a man in a boat came along and told Jim to get in the boat with him.

Jim said, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

So, the man in the boat drove off.

The water rose higher, so Jim climbed onto his roof. At that time, another boat came along, and the person in that one told Jim to get in.

Jim replied, "No, that's okay. God will take care of me."

The person in the boat then left.

The water rose even more, and Jim climbed onto his chimney. A helicopter came along and lowered a ladder for him. The woman in the helicopter told Jim to climb up the ladder and get in.

Jim said, "That's okay."

The woman said, "Are you sure?"

Jim replied, "Yeah, I'm sure God will take care of me."

Finally, the water rose too high and Jim drowned. Jim got to heaven and was face-to-face with God.

Jim said to God, "You told me that you would take care of me! What happened?"

God replied, "Well, I sent you two boats and a helicopter. What else did you want?"
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:33pm  
It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend.

"However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off.

Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water."

The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbors dog and killed it."

The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly.

Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street."

The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves.

The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so darn funny?"

The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:34pm  
One Sunday morning, everyone in one bright, beautiful, tiny town got up early and went to the local church.

Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving... seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence. Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

Satan was a little perturbed at this and queried, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:35pm  
Did you hear about the guy on the beach who found a bottle? He rubbed it and, sure enough, out popped a genie.

"I will grant you three wishes," said the Genie. "But there's a catch."

"What catch?" he asked.

The genie replied, "Every time you make a wish, every politician in the world will receive double what you asked for."

"Well, I can live with that! No problem!" replied the elated man.

"What is your first wish?" asked the Genie.

"Well, I've always wanted a Ferrari," he said.

POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man.

"Now, every politician in the world has two Ferraris," said the genie. "Next wish?"

"I'd love a million dollars," replied the man.

POOF! One million dollars appeared at his feet.

"Now, every politician in the world has two million dollars," said the genie.

"Well, that's okay, as long as I've got my million," replied the man.

"What is your final wish?" asked the genie.

The man thought long and hard, and finally said, "Well, you know, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:36pm  
Bill and Hillary were married for 40 years. When they first got married Bill said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 40 years of marriage Hillary never looked. However on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed.

Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why. That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry.For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the cans in the box?" Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Hillary was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years." They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bill answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:37pm  
A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."

"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:41pm  
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.

"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis 50 times."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 3:48pm  
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid replies, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid continued, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
DucKid
posted 6-Apr-2005 4:05pm  
This joke has too many cuss words, soo I made a link: http://www.the-jokes.com/jviewer.php?clavech=533&c...
darkshadowsseeker
(reply to Starfish) posted 6-Apr-2005 7:32pm  
I'm glad you enjoyed it.  * smile *
DucKid
(reply to Danger) posted 6-Apr-2005 11:42pm  
For some odd reason, that was funny!  * laughing out loud *
anonymous
(reply to BillyBobBob) posted 6-Apr-2005 11:46pm  
Troll Troll Troll Troll!

click this link Troll: http://members.aol.com/intwg/trolls.htm
anonymous
(reply to Matty) posted 6-Apr-2005 11:49pm  
You're married with a child! Molestor!
DucKid
(reply to icurok) posted 6-Apr-2005 11:52pm  
I light of the presencse of which member?
icurok
(reply to DucKid) posted 7-Apr-2005 2:59am  
Guess
Danger
(reply to DucKid) posted 7-Apr-2005 11:11am  
Thanks.. I like it too  * smile *
DucKid
(reply to icurok) posted 7-Apr-2005 2:46pm  
Me?
icurok
(reply to DucKid) posted 8-Apr-2005 5:53am  
Correct
DucKid
posted 8-Apr-2005 1:37pm  
An alien comes out of the sky and lands on a farm. The alien says to the farmer: "I will give you 1 million dollars for all of your cows." The farmers says "Okay." Then, the alien opens up a box and a little cow comes out and eats all of the other cows. Then jumps back in the box. "I will give you another 1 million dollars for all of your goats." the alien says. The farmer says "Alright." The alien opens up another box, and a little goat comes out and eats all the other goats. Then jumps back in the box. The farmer says to the alien: "I will give you 2 million dollars if you have a box with a little black man"
44444
posted 9-Apr-2005 6:46pm  
A man walks into a bar, and he sees a pretty blonde women sitting at a table across from him. He decides to send her a drink. She sends him a note back that says " If you have $1 millon in the bank, a mercedes in the garage, and at least 7 inches in the pants, then maybe I will consider going out with you. He sends her a note back that reads, "I have $2 millon in the bank, a farrari in the garage, and I am not going to cut off 3 inches even for you"!
DucKid
posted 11-Apr-2005 2:02pm  
 * laughing out loud *
iwish40
posted 25-Apr-2005 2:06am  
What do you call a bunch of Lesbians in a Fish Market?
Confused!!
Updown
posted 27-May-2005 12:11pm  
Mama Bear, Papa Bear, and Baby Bear are walking along the banks of a river. All of a sudden a huge storm and flash flood hit. The three are separated. After the storm passes Mama Bear and Papa Bear are franticly searching for Baby Bear. Finally, they spy him across the river. They cry out, "Baby Bear Baby Bear how did you get on that side of the river?" Baby Bear replies, "What radio?"
sexy1
posted 7-Jun-2005 12:58pm  
what do you call a giraffe and a hedgehog?
nonamejj18
posted 14-Jun-2005 5:07pm  
There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.
First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.
Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.
The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."
The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."
thecomic22
posted 22-Dec-2005 12:35pm  
Ok here goes. (ahem) lol, One day Johns mother tells him to get up early & go gather the milk & eggs for breakfast. well after john gets the eggs, he kicks the chicken. then he goes to milk the cow. well, afterwards he kicks the cow. johns mother sees the whole thing, so she says " for kicking the cow, you get no milk, for kicking the chicken, you get no eggs. well Johns father comes home & he kicks the cat. John looks at his mother & says "You wanna tell him or me?"  * laughing out loud *
Liss
posted 24-Nov-2008 11:30am  
I don't remember jokes very well, sorry.
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