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multiple27-Aug-1998sex/relationshipsanonymousunsorted66850.8%

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How long did you wait after proposal would/did you wait to get married??

I ask this question because my boyfriend wants us to get engaged, but I'm not sure if I'm ready for marriage and he wants to do it quickly.

If you are not married assume you have all the funds available at the time of proposal and it would only take a week to get the basic necessities.



VotesAnswer
51 week
2less than 1 month
12 months
63 months
24 months
35 months
36 months
37-9 months
110-12 months
131 year
22 years
03 years
1more than 3 years
7I'm never getting married
4I'd like to get married but I don't think it'll ever happen
7I have some advice for this survey's author:


UserComment
steve
posted 27-Aug-1998 8:26pm  
I'd like to get married but I don't think it'll ever happen, because I doubt that it'll ever be legal in this country for me to marry Tom.
lara
posted 27-Aug-1998 8:43pm  
16 months
hunter
posted 27-Aug-1998 9:04pm  
I think that planning weddings is a lot of fun and I think there will be a number of people who will want to travel to see me wed, so I'd like to have about a year between formally becoming engaged and actually getting married. I do not believe in getting engaged without setting a date.

If you are not ready to get married, I would suggest that you not get engaged. This is your life. Don't do something you're going to regret if you can possibly help it.

elijahblue
posted 27-Aug-1998 9:28pm  
I have a lot of problems with marriage as an institution in our country... and I go back and forth about whether I will ever do it even if do find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with. So I guess the answer is I might not do it at all. *anonymous: If you're not sure you're ready for marriage, don't get married!
bill Survey Central Gold Subscriber Gold Star Survey Creator
posted 27-Aug-1998 10:06pm  
You generally need at least 6 months to reserve a nice place and to get the time of year you want - we waited over a year (1 year plus 2 months).
* elijahblue, Jen and I both used to feel a similar ambivalence about marriage, but we changed and eventually both wanted it.
anonymous
posted 27-Aug-1998 11:36pm  
Never, never get married until you are certain. Do not be pressured. When you are ready you will know. Don't do this. If you are younger than 23 to 25, wait, & if you are in your teens, forget this idea. I have a wonderful marriage of 36 years & I absolutely KNEW when I was ready & when I had met the right person. I have seen a lot of bad marriages &, believe me, life can get pretty miserable when the realities of day to day life set in & the children arrive & you two are not happy. Please speak with a minister or priest or counselor.
BadtzMaru
posted 28-Aug-1998 12:06am  
I say NEVER.
What elijahblue said.
Atzilut
posted 28-Aug-1998 12:33am  
I'm never getting married
lelle
posted 28-Aug-1998 10:04am  
None of the above... I am married but was not engaged.
gilly
posted 28-Aug-1998 10:27am  
It would probably depend a lot on how long we had been together and how sure I felt about the relationship. If I were sure this were The One, just long enough to make sure everyone I care about could be there - maybe 3 months or so. But that's only if I were sure. If you're not sure, don't rush it - it's easier to get married later than to get un-married. And if he's not willing to wait and respect your feelings, I'd say that's not a great sign. Age might also play a part in deciding - at 28 I'm a lot more ready to get marrried than I was a few years ago.

lizzie: Same-sex marriage is not yet legal in Hawaii, although we're hoping it will be someday. But marriages performed there might not be recognized in other states, even if it is. (Check out the Forum on the Right to Marriage for more info.)

jjg
posted 28-Aug-1998 2:08pm  
We waited nine months. Engaged in October and married in July.
lizzie
posted 28-Aug-1998 2:24pm  
I put a year, because I think it is a good idea to have an adjustment period. It;s a big change, getting married, so it would be nice to think about it for a while, maybe even live together first, before actually jumping in a getting married.

steve: if you could get legally married, would you do it? Isn't it legal in Hawaii now?

**gilly: OK, I thought it had made it through. I did know that bit about it not being recognized by other states, but I was more curious to know that if there were a place where your marriage would be legally recognized, would you go there to get married? i.e. is it that important to you to be legally married to your partner?

Jody
posted 28-Aug-1998 3:40pm  
We waited a long time after meeting to get engaged, a long time after that to move in together, and another 6 months to get married. We wanted to make sure *everything* was okay and smooth with both ourselves and the kids and Pete's ex and everything. I'm glad we took our time. It was actually 28 months from when we met to when we married.
seth
posted 28-Aug-1998 5:50pm  
Just long enough to make the arrangements and give guests enough notice to be able to attend. If I get engaged, it means I've already agreed to marry, so there's not much point in waiting. If I'm not ready for marriage, I won't promise marriage, and that's what engagement is.
phi
posted 28-Aug-1998 7:26pm  
7.5 months. what constitues 'quickly' to your mind? I'd say that if you're not ready to get married now, don't agree to get married later. But insisting on a few months' time to prepare for the wedding seems reasonable.

I certainly recommend living with the person you're marrying first, preferably for a couple of years. This seems so obvious that it wasn't until Jody mentioned it that I remembered that some people (including, perhaps, the survey creator?) don't do that.

I beleive gay marriage is legal in certain countries in Europe, not that that does anyone in the US any good.

anonymous
posted 29-Aug-1998 4:16am  
phi, Jody: my parent's wouldn't go for the moving in together thing...but you're right it is a good idea. But that is why I felt rushed at first, because he wanted to get engaged then move in together where as I'd like to do it the other way around.

Thanks guys, Most of my friends told me that staying engaged for a long period of time is a bad thing because things start to fall apart, but with all this advice I see that if it does fall apart (and is unfixable) it was probably never meant to be so giving it time would be a good thing, for now.

gay marriage is legal and accepted in some of the US, in most states though they say if you're married somewhere else they'll recognize it but you can't get a marriage license from that state. Doesn't make much sense, but welcome to the wonderful USofA!!

kirst
posted 29-Aug-1998 8:21am  
We actually married a year to the day after the proposal. (We didn't plan that, but it happened.) However, we dated on and off for seven years before the engagement. Tom thought a decade of courtship would be romantic, but I differed...
emily
posted 29-Aug-1998 9:58am  
Steve...there are a few states where it would be legal. My sister and her partner were married in Virginia. Hopefully all the states will eventually "grow up" and you won't have a problem.
Resy
posted 29-Aug-1998 12:37pm  
We were together a year before we married, but married rather quickly because of the medical situation I discribed in the last question. My advice would be DO NOT DO ANYTHING YOU ARE UNCOMFORTABLE DOING... there is no reason to be rushed into marriage (these days, not even if you're pregnant). If you assume to be with this person the rest of you life, best to know how you handle a disagreement now.
jcdino
posted 29-Aug-1998 2:23pm  
Who knows? I know who I'll likely marry, but we're not "engaged" yet, so... I guess it's not really a pertinent question for me right now. Engagement wouldn't change our relationship in any way I can foresee. We wouldn't need to take more time than to get everything arranged and such.
lisashea
posted 31-Aug-1998 4:12pm  
The first time we were married in 2 months by a JP and then in 6 months had the "formal ceremony". I think next time I'd wait a year, although I think in general 6 months is a good time frame. If you don't feel ready, don't rush!!! You'll always wonder later, "Did I not have enough time to think" every single time you fight. That's an awful shadow to have hanging over your head. NEVER get pressured into a serious legal contract.

My SO pointed out that you're not being "asked to get engaged". Engagement is the time between being "asked to get married" and the "actually married" time. If you're not ready to marry this person, don't get engaged! And length of engagement has nothing to do with how long people stay together. If they're going to split, they're going to split. Also, if you're planning on marrying this guy, don't adjust "how you will make sure you're ready" by what your parents say! You must be over 18 if you want to marry (with a few exceptions). Don't live your life by your parents' rules! If you want to live with him to make sure, live with him. I've seen people screw up their own lives trying to keep their parents happy. You are responsible for you, not for your parents' ideas of how you should live.

dpolicar
posted 31-Aug-1998 4:52pm  
Advice: asking this question of this crowd in order to make a decision about your own future seems like a *really* bad idea.
Answer: I waited an indefinite period of time after proposing to get married, during which time my fiancee dumped me, so I'm not sure how to count it. I'd like to get married but don't know if it will happen or not.
wynkin
posted 1-Sep-1998 6:43am  
Actually, it was over a year and a half. But once all the obstacles were removed, we did it in 3 months.
macquivr
posted 1-Sep-1998 9:57am  
More like a day actually...obviously with the If ever clause attached
anonymous
posted 1-Sep-1998 11:26am  
I wrote four months for an odd situation here. We met, fell in love, and ran away. A year later we had a kid. We were pretty sure we'd be married eventually, but the actual proposal by mutual consent came when our daughter was roughly 20 months old. We got married a day before her second birthday.
stolnbliss
posted 1-Sep-1998 2:12pm  
If you are already having doubts, then maybe you should wait.
eris
posted 3-Sep-1998 12:19pm  
I've been with my partner twelve years and we're not married, but we exchanged rings and registered as domestic partners after about 8 or 9 years ("marriage equivalent"). I think it depends how long you've been going out, not how long between the proposal and the marriage, and it's probably not a great idea to marry someone after going out with them less than a year. Also, if you want a "real" wedding, count on a minimum of 2 months to plan it (that is rushing it *a lot*). If you aren't sure, I would say, don't do it. After reading the other comments, I would add that I think it's a very good idea to live together, at least for a few months, before getting married. Also, I agree strongly with the several people who have said "you will know" and "don't do it until you're ready/unless you're sure". *** Another thought: The point when I knew was when I suddenly realized I could not imagine the option of not spending the rest of my life with this person.
anonymous
posted 24-Sep-1998 9:39pm  
I'm still not married and I have yet to be proposed to.
Biggles Bronze Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
posted 28-Nov-2013 9:45pm  
I find the thought of having a "wedding" quite unpleasant, so I think the decision to get married (i.e. the engagement) would be the important thing. Having done that, I would be happy to get the legalities out of the way whenever it was convenient. If we wanted guests (I wouldn't) then delaying a while so that people were free/could travel would be necessary, but really the fewer people the better for me.

And this may be why I am going to end up as an old cat rat lady.
Enheduanna Survey Central Subscriber
posted 29-Nov-2013 12:07pm  
I don't think there's any particular amount of time that's right for everyone--it depends on the individuals and their circumstances. For me, it would mainly depend on what date would work best given our schedules and the schedules of those we wanted to be sure to include.
Enheduanna Survey Central Subscriber
posted 29-Nov-2013 12:12pm  
And a note: I'm pretty sure that Steve, the first commenter in this survey, is now married to Tom.
Enheduanna Survey Central Subscriber
posted 29-Nov-2013 12:20pm  
Also: interesting that at least a couple of commenters thought that gay marriage was legal in some states in 1998. It wasn't.
Zang
posted 31-Dec-2013 11:06am  
I think it might have been about 14 months.

The proposal went something like this:

My (now) wife and I were waiting for a bus after spending Christmas with my family and she said that my mother would probably be happier if we got married and I agreed and said that we should probably do that when our lives settled down more (we had a number of career/financial concerns at the time).

We got married on February 13th and I think it was a little over a year after that. I figured that we didn't really have any good reason to put it off and so I made all the arrangements (apart from the flowers) and we went ahead and got hitched.
JessicaWoman99 Quintuple Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
posted 8-Feb-2014 1:59pm  
I am a homemaker I love being single
JessicaWoman99 Quintuple Gold Star Survey Creator Survey Qualifier
(reply to steve) posted 8-Feb-2014 2:00pm  
And now today this New Year laws have changed since this survey you could get legally married with benefits
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