You come home to find your significant other in bed having sex with someone you've never seen before. The other person can be of either sex. How would you react?

thanks for the re-write.

This is very difficult to imagine, but I think I would scream & hope to scare the living daylights out of them & then I would fly into them & rip them both apart. I would be in such a rage that he could do this in my home and in my bed, I doubt any jury would convict me if I killed them with my bare hands. Even if they did, now that my kids are raised and gone, they could send me to jail because I would feel so betrayed that my life wouldn't be worth two cents. I would be devastated.

***bill....i didn't mean for it to be a rewrite. It's really a different survey. I do want to thank you for getting my mind working.

I might just kill them both, that or just leave a note and disappear forever.

Same deal as the last question when it was a friend.

*** jen - "love is like a snowmobile whipping across the frozen tundra, but it flips over pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come...." (loosely paraphrased but I loved that book...especially the ice weasels part)

Still no option for confronting them right then with no violence? I would want to know the story, but I don't think I would fly into a rage and I definitely wouldn't wait for them to be "done" before confronting them.

ron2112: well said. For the people who seem to be a lot more accepting of this kind of behavior than I am, how in the heck do you do it? I guess I'm just not an "open relationship" kind of person. But that's...OK.

**daver: I think the time issue would be big with me as well, but I don't think I could be so calm about finding my SO in bed with someone else. Then again, my SO and I don't have an open relationship, so there's more of a shock factor there.
**lisashea: I would scream. no doubt about it. that's just how i am...suspicious by nature, and terribly insecure. yes, i am awful to live with.

Like I said on the other recent survey about this, it depends a lot on circumstances and individuals. Given that I'm currently in a monogamous relationship, I'd probably be fairly hurt and confused and want to talk it out with Jason (and possibly the other person, again depending on the context).

Since the other person is a stranger, I'd introduce myself afterwards...otherwise, I'd say hello. Then I'd wander off to make coffee or gweep or whatever else I was about to do upon coming home.
[snip]
**To all of you who picked the "join in" option (about a third): Huh? I don't get it. Personally, I would not assume that the other person (who I do not know) would want me to join in. Am I missing something? Would you be doing this to force your SO to acknowledge your presence?
**lisashea: My lovers typically have had a stronger opinion about who eats them than a chocolate cake does. I'd hope that any lovers my SO has do as well... (What I'm trying to say is that it's not just your opinion or your SO's that matters, but also the opinion of the chocolate cake other person.)
**lisashea: Ah...it makes sense now...I don't agree, but it makes sense.

I'd join in if he/she was cute! But afterwards I'd have a long, long talk with my SO. He'd have to have an awfully good reason why he didn't tell me about it (unless this was set up as a "surprise treat" for me, in which case I'd be amused)

Lizzie: I guess it's a matter for me of having talked about these issues in the past with my SO, and knowing he cares for me. If he was in bed with someone in our house, it wouldn't be a "jeez, I found her in a bar and just decided...". There would be some serious reason for her to be there. If he was tired of me, we'd have talked about it already. We talk all the time. If he wanted more sex, well, same thing. So this wouldn't be a "out to hurt her" kind of thing, or a "need something somewhere else." I might as well wait to sit down and talk with him to find out *what* it really was. It's like if you went to work and found your SO hugging a woman. You don't scream, you wait to find out if she just lost a child and your SO was consoling her. Same "general" thought :)

***Daver: Sex is a "friendly" act. If my SO was this intimate with him/her in our house, then I'd consider it my right to join in :) If he minded, i.e. wanted this person "all for himself", THEN he'd have to come talk to me right then. I wouldn't bring home a chocolate cake and then refuse to give him a slice!!

This is a lover chosen by my boyfriend. The lover would therefore have certain characteristics. If he brought home someone who was not willing to be with us both, then that would again be cause for a serious immediate talk, and the easiest way to find out is if the lover objected. If the lover objected, then I would pull my SO into another room right then and ask what's up. See the Chocolate Cake analogy :) It'd be like if he brought home this great Coconut cake (blech) for dessert for us. I'd have to ask, "What were you thinking??"

Gee, my significant other has a(nother) boyfriend at present. She (politely) let me know before the walking-in thing was an issue, though. ***Excellent discussion, lisashea. Though depending on the dynamic, some of us would probably find it prudent to enquire as to the preferences of the chocolate cake before hopping in... I checked this option, too.

easy solution: don't have an SO

There are quite a few factors not mentioned that would influence my reaction. In most of the relationships I have been in, this would have been a breach of the (usually assumed, as it happens) bounds of the relationship, and I would have been surprised, and probably hurt and likely furious. If the other person were female (I am Het), my reaction might be very different, though. Also, I can envision being in a relationship where this might be perfectly acceptable; in such a relationship it would have been established beforehand that it was an "open" arrangement.

I might try to ascertain (later, in private with my SO) that this would not affect our relationship, but other than that I'd just try not to bother them.

I never have been, and never will be, more than likely, in a truly working relationship anyway. I don't HAVE a SO, I may never, and if I had my way I CERTAINLY wouldn't. I'd be more surprised to walk in on someone I CALL my SO rather than finding him with another lover.

I'd throw their sorry (naked) asses out into the street locking the door behind them. then I'd throw all of my SO's belongings out after them. "You have a good day now"

Nice to know that you folks who'd kick your SO out really love that person.

Not a bad job of avoiding orientation stereotypes...

Much better wording and choices this time. Not perfect (the first second choice needs a "furious" option too, etc) but better. So now that we've done this survey twice in a week, we can be done with it now, right?

But to answer the question, it would certainly end the relationship. I doubt very much I would want to talk about it; what is there to talk about? You cheated...see ya. Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.

***romkey: I do love my SO, intensely. But if I came home and found her with someone else it would be immediately obvious to me that she did not love me. I would probably continue to love her, but I couldn't be with someone who cared so little for me that she would betray me like that.

I'd probably be wicked pissed unless I knew about it before hand and didn't feel like I was being snuck-around.

I would be so pissed off I don't know how I would _really_ handle it, but this is what I like to think I'd do: first I would make the new person leave, then I would talk to my SO and ask him why he did it and I would make him tell me the truth. Then I would ask if he was satisfied with our relationship and blah, blah, blah, all that other stuff about open relationships and stuff. What I would probably do is after walking in on them I would say in a very calm, controlled but angry voice: Phillip Kaine Murry, how the f**k could you do this to me? and then I would get all my stuff and I would leave for somewhere I felt safe that had a person whose shoulder I could cry on.

I think I'd be more upset with my SO, he's the one I've trusted and been faithful to ... we took vows together, eternal promises, you know?

The options are incomplete, to say the least (really, they are heterosexist). If you are going to include the first two options, you should also include "if it were a person of my sex I would be confused" and "if it were a person of the opposite sex I would be furious." My answer was: if I had an exclusive relationship with this SO (which it almost certainly would be, as I am unhappy if it's not), I would end the relationship then and there. There would be nothing to discuss. I'd kick my SO's partner out, and start packing/ask them to pack and leave.

I was going to pass on this survey, because I have no idea what I'd do, then I read that option and ticked it.

In fantasies, of course, that person would be another woman, and they'd both look up at me and say, "Hey, got a minute? We're lonely."

My first husband had an affair with my best friend. (so to speak) I don't think that broke up the marriage though. We could have worked that one out. He just made me wait to long for him to decide what he really wanted out of life. I'm not a victim though. I think that mistakes can be made and reasons for those mistakes can be explained and so on and definately trust would have to be won back. But I don't think that an affair has to mean the end to a relationship. By the way, after I filed divorce, he decided that he really did love me, but too many other bridges had been burned. And he still sees that dog.

My SO is my husband and I trust him with all of my heart, but if this were to happen I'd file for divorce.

I DOUBT I'D BE VIOLENT, BUT IT DEPENDS ON WHO IT WAS WITH MY GIRL. IF IT WAS A FRIEND, I WOULD ACT DIFFERENTLY THAN IF IT WERE A STRANGER. I'D PROBABLY WALK AWAY FROM IT, DUMP MY GIRL AND MAKE HER PAY FOR IT VIA VARIOUS WAYS ( blanking her, slagging her off ) etc. IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET AND I HOPE IT WON'T

WICKSY, horrified as I am by the possibilities I'm imagining, I have to ask: what do "blanking" and "slagging off" mean in this context? (Others should feel free to answer if they have the clue I'm missing.)

I have to agree that I don't know what those terms mean and that also, "making someone pay" never, ever works. If you're unhappy with your girlfriend, leave her and find someone new. Torturing her for her actions probably causes as much harm to your own psyche as it does to hers. Cut your losses and move on.

hunter : slagging off means criticising her to others and being really vindictive. Blanking her means ignoring her and saying nothing if she came up to me or rang me. lisashea : you're right, I should move on but it hasn't happened yet so I can't say what I'd do !!!!

Tough question. Since I'm not yet married it would result in a loss of trust/ break-up/ period of depression. I have a fear of commitment that can be traced, in part, to a fear of betrayal. If I were married and this happened it would be very rough. I don't consider divorce an option which may actually result in my never getting married. But If I were to get married and have this happen I suppose I would have to work it out with her somehow.

It depends. In my current relationships, this situation is extremely unlikely to happen and if it did and I didn't know in advance, I'd be a bit pissed off about the broken trust but figure that things could be patched up.

This scenario is not a possibility. My SO and I talk about everything and if she were having feelings for someone other than me, we would have discussed it already and agreed on how we could deal with her feelings for someone else and still remain a couple. I cannot even imagine the possibility of this happening. and IF It did. I would be hurt, not because she was having sex with someone else but because if I am not allowed to have sex outside of our relationship ...she damn sure better not be!

If she came to me tomorrow and said..."I want to sleep with other people." I would tell her ok...let's have an open relationship.