Hypothetically, if, for whatever reason, you cheated on your significant other, would you tell him/her?

I would tell. If I had cheated then obviously I'm not particularly interested in the relationship. One of the benchmarks of a good relationship is the fact that you can be monogamous. ***Ron2112: for me monogamy has been the essential part; I feel that an open relationship just means that you can't fully commit to one person. If you cheat then there is obviously something missing in your relationship, or you wouldn't cheat.

Well, see, it would really only be cheating if I didn't tell him. I've slept with other people in the past, although not for years, and I always told him right away--not, perhaps, the actual "instant" I next saw him, but within the hour.

I've been married three times and cheated on all of them. Eventually I learned my lesson, though, and now I simply couldn't do it.

I couldn't really answer, b/c the thing that would be defined as 'cheating' to me would be anything significant that I did that I did not tell Phi about. It's not that there's 'no such thing as cheating' in our relationship, it's just that cheating=not being honest, so it's a bit of a loop-problem. If I did something significant and didn't tell him right away, then I guess that would be called waiting for the "right time," and I do that sometimes, but that usually means something like 'wait until I get back home,' or something. Using my definition of cheating, the question reads "Hypothetically, if, for whatever reason, you didn't tell your significant other about something important in your life, (sexual relations with other people, infatuatuations, hopes, dreams, wishes, etc.) would you tell him/her?" You can see how that question gets to be a problem.

I'd wait for the right time, but I'd tell as soon as possible. By right time I mean, when we're alone and he's doesn't need to do something critically important that requires his undivided attention anytime in the next 6 hours or so...

I would tell them and then take whatever consequences they'd like to give, hopefully he'd understand. My boyfriend is going on a trip to BC in 14 days[for the whole summer :~( ], I'm not going to cheat, but I expect that he might, I'm going to ask him about breaking up for the summer so that way if we want to go out with anyone else, we won't be cheating, I don't know if he'd go for it though.

I'd tell him right away (maybe not the "instant" I saw him, but in the next conversation we had). It doesn't get any easier to say these things and they don't tend to just come up naturally in conversation. In my current relationship it wouldn't be a big deal. We're monogamous, but there's...let's call it wiggle room. We've made it clear to each other that while we don't want an open relationship, it's not a huge deal and we'd both rather just know about it. I say that I like to deal with the relationship we're actually having, not an illusion I've created in my head.

I just can't answer this. I hope I'm never in this position. If this does happen to me, I'm going to just have to play it by ear - it will largely depend on how guilty I fell about it and/or if there was some other reason which would make it important for her to know and/or for her to find out from me.

Artemis, if you're not that attached it this guy, enough to break up for the summer - then just tell him you want to break up for the summer, don't ask. I was way to serious with relationships I had in high school and college - when, I look back it seems so silly. There's plenty of time to get serious later.

Hypotheticly, I would tell her, but since I feel very strongly about 'cheating', I would never do it

In my spiritual beliefs, there is no such thing as cheating. The idea of "cheating" was created by patriarchal societies, mainly to "keep the women in line". But since my Partner has told me he couldn't personally handle anything other than a monogamous relationship (for reasons having nothing to do with religious beliefs, but with very bad things that happened in his childhood - it's a long story), I am and will remain monogamous with him.

**daver: As usual, you're not paying attention. I did not say "monogamy" was patriarchal. I said "the concept of cheating" is patriarchal. I also said that I am (& have always been) monogamous.

**BadtzMaru: So if a woman wants a monogamous relationship she's a dupe of the patriarchal society in which she lives?
**BadtzMaru: I'm really confused by your statement that "...there is no such thing as cheating." Let's say that my partner(s) and I decide that we will not sleep with anyone other than ourselves. Let's say that I do so. This is not cheating?
In hopes of further lifting my confusion, could you tell me how you can have a concept of "monogamy" without also having a concept of "an action which makes a monogamous relationship non-monogamous" (Apologies for the lengthy construction, but I don't want to say "cheating" since we do not seem to mean the same thing when we say it.) I don't want to touch the "monogamy is not patriarchal but cheating is" part yet. I want to make sure that we agree upon terminology first.

My SO has explicitly stated that if I ever cheated she would just as soon remain ignorant. I feel that I would never ever cheat under any circumstances, but hypothetically if I did, I would rather live with the guilt rather than make her live with the feeling of betrayal. Reading that last sentence again, I know it sounds like I'm reaching for a justification, but the two of us have actually discussed this and she swears she'd prefer it that way. Not that it matters anyway...

***lara: I'm confused by your response, perhaps you could clarify. I infer that you chose the "open relationship" option; but you say cheating == lying. Do you mean that if you lied to him/her (presumably about something other than infidelity because of the "open" part), that would be the equivalent of infidelity in a less "open" relationship? So wouldn't that definition of "cheating" qualify as stated in the question (and would you tell him/her)? Or do you mean that if you did cheat, that would be lying? I don't imagine that's what you meant, because I don't think it makes sense in the context of an open relationship. So I'm confused...

***jjg: I'm not trying to get you in trouble or anything but are you implying that an "open" relationship is by definition not a "good" relationship? You did say "One of the benchmarks", but how big a benchmark is it (monogamy)? Could it be overridden by other more significant benchmarks, or is it a dealbreaker?

***daver & BadtzMaru: See, this is why we need a newsgroup!

I'm very uncomfortable in monogamous situations... I consider "cheating" to be anything outside of the agreed-on 'rules'. I have once, it was horrible, I never told, I'm pretty sure he found out anyway (it was never discussed though), by now it's been so long I couldn't possibly tell. *sigh*

The "right time" must be, theoretically, the next time I saw her, but sometimes...

I'm sure that if I did cheat (which I would never do) I would feel so guilty about it that I would have to tell my SO right away. Probably not the next instant, but at the best time during that next instant...

I cheated once before and I told him the next day. I've regretted it for many years. If I had a choice, (and obviously I did at THAT time)I just wouldn't cheat in the first place. Too much fall out.

I put I'd wait for the right time, but how can I be the judge of that. It may not be the right time for him when I lay it out on the table.

I would definitely tell. TELL TELL TELL. People who lie to the person who is supposed to be their "Best Friend" shouldn't be with that person!! I indeed "cheated" in a sense - I wasn't living with my SO, but we were close, and a situation arose, anyway, there you have it. And I told my SO even though it was painful. I cheated, I should take responsibility for it!! Any other solution is trying to "have your fun and get away with it".

***I've been in an open relationship. That's not cheating, because you both EXPECT infidelity. If you're in a relationship, you should both know what's going on and have full faith in the other person. If my SO said, "It's OK if you lie to me", then I'd get a new SO. I don't want someone who WANTS to be lied to. I want someone who can deal with reality. If he(she) feels that way about me, what does it mean HIS(HER) thought process is when he(she) does something wrong???

I don't see what I would gain by telling my husband that I cheated. I would have to live with it, and that would be a harsh punishment. Perhaps if I did cheat, I would feel differently.

I would probably dither for a few days, feeling rather guilty, and then tell.

right time = for example, when s/he isn't already feeling vulnerable about something else (if I expect that my "cheating" will exacerbate that).

..don't think I ever would and don't think I'd tell if I did..

Our definition of cheating is not telling.

I would try to wait for the right time, but in my experience the SO usually guesses that something is up before I get to it...

For the relationships I'm in right now, they are open, but I'd still tell them, and I'd expect to be told. Given the possibilities of STDs I think it's generally best that everyone know where everything's been.

hypothetically, if rabbits sprung out of the top of your head right now, what color would they be and which language would they speak, French or German? I would never cheat on someone. Period. If I was being tempted that badly, I'd talk it over with my SO, there's probably something in need of serious attention in our relationship that I would even consider cheating.

not sure if I'd actually tell her straight away, but it would definately come out soon

elijahblue: there's be two green ones that spoke French, and one blue one that spoke German. Thanks for the image.

I'm not clear what color the rabbits would be, but my head-rabbits would never speak French, only German.

where's other option. It depends who I had a fling with. If it was someone who I preferred to my girlfriend, I'd probably tell my girl it was finished. If I was drunk and a mistake, I'd keep it quiet and carry on as normal