If you and your SO are in public and he/she starts snapping at you or putting you down, what do you do?

Thinking of this question reminds me just how glad I am that I am single

My behavior would be very different now than it was when it was an issue. I don't think I'd let it get to a state where it happened on any regular basis.

I'd hopefully already have an idea of why he was acting like that and try to help him deal with it. If I didn't, I probably be confused and upset for a bit and then try to talk to him about why he's acting that way.

I had a SO with this problem and I...eventually dumped him. I just asked my sister (a frequent observer of this behavior) and she said I mostly would say some version of "Oh, you don't mean that" and change the subject. I started dating someone else who would do this and I was very careful to make sure he knew how unacceptable that behavior is and didn't stay in that relationship very long.

I would leave anyone who did this habitually. It shows a complete lack of respect for the other person. Disagreements (when they occur) should be private. Snapping at people is never appropriate action.

It depends; Tom actually does something kind of like this sometimes, but he's joking. It's fine if he's joking. On those rare occasions when I feel that he's doing it in earnest (I don't know if any of these have been in public.) I sort of look hurt and sulk a bit. (I'm pretty sure I'd do this in public as well as in private.) It works; we really do love each other, and have a pretty great relationship, and when one of us looks hurt and sulks the other tends to want to immediately fix whatever's wrong. And, just to be Grammar Queen for a moment, the possessive form of "its" has no apostrophe. (That's the contraction of "it is".)

There is nothing worse than being humiliated in front of strangers by your SO. Nothing can make me furious quicker!!

I like the third option, cute. And I do think the slimeball should be referred to as "it" :) If this happened once or twice, I would probably just go home and let them cool off. If it became a regular thing, I'd dump them. I'm not interested in being a guy's personal therapist unless he pays me. *** lisashea: I do not consider being constantly snapped at and put down in public by your significant other something that should be put up with. I'm not interested in being married to someone who would do that, for any amount of time. And I'm not interested in "curing" someone of that habit. I'm glad you've had good relationships, congratulations. Being there through nasty situations is different from being there to put up with abuse. And yes, I would put up with whatever from my child if I had one. That's a whole different kettle of fish. A child that you bring into this world is owed unconditional love. An adult with whom you have a romantic relationship is not. I have spent w-a-y too much time forgiving and trying to help boyfriends for things much worse than this. Never works. At some point, I decided at least I can save myself.

I divorced its sorry butt. It did this all the time, and that's not all it did to me.

[I am currently with the perfect man for me, and he would never ridicule me at any time, nor I him.]

**EB: I completely agree with everything you said about this topic. Hoping that the abuser will change is one of the main reasons women remain in abusive relationships for so long (I did the same thing, as did my mother and grandmothers).

I suspect that I occasionally indulge in this sort of behavior, perhaps not always verbally but it's there. I'm glad that the people around me deal with it in ways other than utter rejection.

This came from a series of comments in another survey. I've been dating/living with guys for 15 years and every guy has had his rough times. My ex, especially, was really insecure and sometimes he'd show it by being a jerk. My current boyfriend was this way at first, too. No guy I've dated (or even, I admit, my ex-hubby) has *just* been "jerky" - there's always been a reason for why they got upset. Jealousy, uncomfortableness, whatever. Once I pinned down what was bothering them, and talked to them about it, *poof* the problem went away. I like to think, if I'm making the effort to make the relationship work, that I owe it to the guy and myself to help figure out what is wrong and work to make it easier. If someday I dated a guy that was just obnoxious "because he wanted to be", which I find a strange thought, then I'd dump him in a minute. Hopefully I wouldn't start dating someone like that in the first place!!

EB: :) In fact, my guys are there for me through some pretty nasty situations. Every person changes throughout his/her life, and you have to adjust with the person. It's not a matter of being a therapist. Ask someone in a 20-year marriage what got them through and most of the time (with my friends at least) the answer is "being there for each other, and helping each other work things through". Every person changes, and it's not always easy. My child is a jerk sometimes, but would I desert him? I have a dedication to the relationship in all cases, as long as the relationship is growing.
Very true on not tolerating "abuse". My mom was hit a lot while I grew up and I despised her for not leaving. Bob's (my bf) mom was hit and I respect her for leaving the guy. We're just talking about a single snide comment tho :) Every guy I've dated has been warned - hit me once and you're out, no second chance, period.

This is so incredibly hard for me to imagine - If you know Nick you understand. My reaction would probably start with ignoring it and escalate from there. I would leave if it got too bad. (I tend to escape and sulk, rather than confront, especially in public.) I would *certainly* ask him about it later though, after enough time had passed that I was sure I wouldn't say something I would regret, out of anger.

I think this may have happened, once or maybe twice in our relationship. I vaguely remember saying something like: "pst, come here a sec. I gotta tell you something," in a friendly confiding tone of voice then, in private: "uh, did you realize what you were doing just now?" The answer was 'oh, wow, I'm sorry!" or something to that effect. And maybe one other time, gently changing the subject, then talking about it in private. He's certainly not done this in a very long time, and I'm glad I made the effort to talk with him about that subject and any other subjects which have ever come up. I think everyone I care about gets one free fudge-up in every situation. I'll explain as level-headedly as I can why a behavior bothered or hurt me and what it would mean to me for that behavior to continue. After that, no guarentees.

Hmmm... this sounds familiar...

None of the above. I'd ask nicely if we could discuss whatever the problem was privately and keep it impersonal. I am lucky that I don't have thsi problem.

My reaction varies. I try to remember that it shows more about "its" character than mine, though. And what do you mean "if?"

I don't think my SO would do this....

Where's the "I have no SO" choice?

I prefer to avoid doing these kinds of things in public( whether it be on the receiving or giving end) and talk about it later. If I am with a couple that is engaging in this kind of behavior, I tend to get on the slimeball's case about what he or she is saying, and be very sarcastic about the whole thing. Hopefully he or she gets the hint NOT to do this kind of thing aorund me anymore.

Most of these options don't apply. If someone is snapping at me, it's often cuz something else is bugging 'em. If we can cut through the crap and get to whatever that is, the conversation becomes much more productive. I think I've gotten better over the years at remembering to think about the situation and deciding how to deal with it rather than just reacting to it (eg, snapping back or walking away or whatever -- although sometimes these are fine responses, I'm making the distinction between choosing them and doing them without thinking). I don't like consistent negativity, especially in an SO, but am willing to put up with it.

I'd just tell it right then that that was unacceptable.

was a wimp but finally left the relationship after many years of loveless and sexless marriage...yes...I'm an idiot!