How do you think you can protect yourself from divorce?

Protect?
What does it mean "protect"? You're talking about divorce as if you were talking about an illness!!

I believe divorce is nothing to be ashamed of. If love vanishes, the better anyone can do is split the couple before mutual respect is lost. And that's the basis of a future friendship.

I have never been married (I don't believe in marriage and, besides, I'm gay), but now I'm holding this 3 year long relationship (hope it lasts) and feel like I was married. I mean committed to one person I love and will love forever. Who knows if we're still together in a few years. I hope so. But if we take different roads... it's life.

The best way would be not to get married, but it's too late for me...

Marry a Catholic.

Don't get married? That's a sure fire plan if there ever was one. I feel no need to protect myself from other people's divorces, so I don't worry about that. How do I protect myself from my own potential divorce? By respecting my wife, being a good father, and throwing the old lady a good one every now and then. Oh, and doing all the cooking.

Work on problems in a marriage before they grow out of proportion...

don't get married

By being careful about whom I marry, and by always talking about problems as soon as they arise.

no marriage = no divorce!

Don't get married.

I think this survey would've been better stated in the positive rather than the negative, i.e. "How do you think you can have a lifelong marriage?"

By being a good husband.

Don't marry an butt-hole. That's the best way.

Gilly -- maybe in US. In Brazil most Catholics will not think twice, if they want the divorce, they'll get one.

by not getting married

Jeanne - what's your secret?

I couldn't.
Now I don't have to.
Eventually I might have to worry about it again, 'til then ...no sense even thinking about it..

By not marrying.

Total open communications; clarifying your feelings about everything without judging your mate; renewing your vows - love is a decision, not a reaction. Give your mate total freedom, but never be taken advantage of.
I'm thankful for all the step dad's I had to learn from. I think you can't get everything from one person: My marriage was years of falling in love, joined at the hip at every moment, every decision mutual. Then I made the mistake of becoming infatuated with my art career and her best freind, so I let her have another affair, this time with my brother (they're married now and make a good match). This summer I'll be recreating my honey moon with her, driving to all the national parks of the usa, yellowstone and west of; love but no romance this time, and with teenagers along. I got divorced when I had a spiritual awakening that blew away 50% of everything I had thought to be true for 25 years. It all worked out in the interests of all involved.
In contrast, my second life has a second relationship quite different from the first. For instance sex in my first was generally physical appreciation of each other; in my second - tantric mystical voyages. And my second (who's now just my best freind) had a SO through all of this who was in most ways my opposite. I often discussed my interpretation of the karmic lessons she was working out with him, but I never suggested that she leave (for my sake) what was a physically, emotionally , and psychically abusive relationship. I suggested she stop it on her own as her own wise victory.
Till death do us part was very wise however, as were arranged marriages. They allowed people to discover that love could be made, not found. And it sure was easier on the kids. The whole thing was more practical.
But I have no problem with other models of marriage: The harem was great if you wanted to be part of a lesbian group marriage and reduce child birth rates while the men hung out together in their roman baths. Then the kids could be raised Kibbutz style where the moms trade places doing day care [as they should do here, every large business should have an on site day care with at least 3 mom's on duty rotating a day each week to do so] Another marriage model I conceived was one of three person marriages, with age gaps of about 12 years; as one partner retires from aspects of the marriage, another younger one joins. This would solve issues of fidelity, variety, and even make up for lack of the extended family in which there was always someone younger in the house to help the elders.

Love, Cherish, Honor, and Respect. Never Demand or Obey.
Both make the decision that whatever they do, even if it's personal growth, even if that involves outside relationshps, that the ultimate goal is the strengthening & endurability of the marriage. If personal growth is more important than the marriage, it is only a marriage of convenience, which may become obsolete, depending on either person's path. A true marriage is a sacred thing. It is the creation of something greater than the sum of it's parts.

talk

By not getting married in the first place.

By not actually getting married?

I will not marry someone until I know that the person is the RIGHT person for me. I will pray and know that it will work out.

Don't get married.

I have a 100%, proven, successful, never fail method to avoid this distressing problem in modern life: STAY SINGLE!

Now...speaking as a 38 year old single man, I think that the reason so many people get divorced is that they got married for the wrong reason. Probably the worst reason to get married is: because all your friends are doing it, followed closely by: having some kind of idealized view of marriage and then finding someone to press into your little spouse mold.

Only marry for love.

- Oh, Bear: That was splendorous.
- Jeanne: This is your forum. Where are you? This your opportunity to learn from your students. As you can see, only pure hearted pragmatic logic will win over this crowd.

I think many of you have the right ideas. I feel very sad about the negativity of many of you. Marriage is a wonderful institution. I believe in it wholeheartedly.

Many of you must think my marriage has always been peaches and cream. Nothing could be further from the truth. Marriage is, to me, many stages, each stage teaches us something. It depends whether we succeed in each stage.

I think to protect yourself from divorce is much of what many of you have stated. I think to marry someone with the same likes and dislikes, the same interests, the same moral code, the same faith (if possible), the same family background. People should become friends. Please should think with their mind and heart and not with their body (lust).

I think common respect, never wanting to hurt your spouse, putting their feelings before your own and visa versa. Having too many high expectations of one another. People should have patience with one another. Good communication.

Bill: I like your answer, simply put, "be a good husband." You asked me what is my secret. To be honest, I don't really know. Back in the recesses of my mind, I guess because I didn't want to be a statistic. I never wanted to hurt my children, having your marriage and home as a last bastion of safety from the instability of the world. Above all, faith. I, through the years, asked God's help in getting through some things. I say, "please give me the strength." What people have to realize is there is no perfect family or marriage. You're going to have your up days and your down days. There were times, I wanted to kick his shins, then there are days I want to squeeze him to pieces. There is a thin line between love and hate. Through the years you bond with your spouse. Thinking, it's just you and me babe." My marriage has not been perfect by any means, but our determination has made it work.

I believe my faith has got me this far. And after you're my age, you just kind of blend with your spouse. Oh, there were many times, I wanted to run, but I just couldn't. I wanted to protect my children and not put them through a divorce. I HATE DIVORCE. I see the pain on children's faces of divorced parents. I feel we are given these precious little human beings from God, that we must take care of.

Kristal Rose: I agree, marriage is sacred.

Zang: I think you would make some woman a good husband, don't be afraid. Are you afraid of commitment? Because of the fear of a divorce? I agree, many people marry for the wrong reasons, but that doesn't mean you. Marriage is what you make of it.

Jeanne: You're not looking down on Zang because of his refusal to marry I hope. A person should be allowed to stay single is he or she chooses to do so without being judged, or pressured.

You can't. People change and no one can control it.

Jeanne: Thank you again for the nice compliments. I do not fear marriage, or commitment. I have seen close friends with children divorce and it looks like hell. I think the primary reason I remain single, is that when I was in my early-mid twenties I had two SOs who convinced me (against my better judgement) to live together. Both of them screwed around on me. The second one was physically and mentally abusive. That experience has made me understandably reluctant to trust women. I know that I shouldn't paint all women with the same brush, and I try not to. I just say this because I understand my underlying motivations whether or not I can control them.

Another factor is that the gender dynamics today are "interesting", 50 years ago and prior, everyone understood their roles, in the future that might be the case again. Right now, there is such an upheaval in gender roles, everyone is expected to reinvent marriage according to their own design. I think that is a big part of the reason for the increase in divorce. Everyone I know, (women included) thinks it would be wonderful to have "June Cleaver" waiting for them when they got home from work. One of the unfortunate repercussions of women entering the work force is that the value of work has diminished. It now takes two average salaries to maintain a middle class lifestyle.

Zang: Right, Right ON. in that last line or two. We should be able to trade places who works or stays at home, but otherwise the old plan had merit. In the old days, the majority of careers took more commitment, but now most engineers have been replaced by techs. I think basically we should mandate cutting back to a fourth of the current man hours with 2/3 of the income, let people do volunteer work in the arts or education, produce non-disposable goods again; in other words get off the keynesian treadmill and enjoy making life brighter. Otherwise we are like a P.K.Dick story in which the upper class could leisurely wear out a deck of cards, but the less fortunate had to prove that they were wearing out their quotas of under wear, golf clubs, etc. So little employment is actually related to food & housing now.

Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Find ways to respect each other; have common activities; listen to one another; remember that marriages take *work* and that love doesn't carry it alone. Think of things you can do regularly to make your partner happy.

Why was this survey rated so low? I think it's a good question.

I agree with Guillem that there is no shame in ending a relationship in which happiness just isn't happening. But I think that people sometimes overlook ways that they might restore or maintain happiness.

A large plastic divorce protection bubble.

Don't get married!

It was basically "rated so low" (not that low really) because of the word "protect" in the question, it shows a biased assumption not everyone agrees with. That and it's an essay question... this is probably an above average rating for an essay question.

I am going to fall madly in love with someone and try my best never to fall out of love. I figure if I can stay in love, I can stay married.

Don't get married.

You can if don't get married.

Protect? Is divorce going to break down my front door and attack me? Is it going to hide in an alley and jump out at me?

Communication!!! Honesty!!! Remaining interesting and fun. Doing things together. Making an effort to continue enjoying each other's company. Never forgetting the reasons you were attracted in the first place. Not letting annoying petty things build up 'negative marks' against them. Not taking obliviousness personal.