Which is more "normal" to you - someone having an affair or an open relationship?

I think that affairs are more normal, which is actually quite sad.

This was hard. I had to put down that I'd *expect* people to have affairs more often, because most people I know aren't poly. But I think poly is far healthier than affairs.

Since you specified "normal" as what I would typically expect, I have to chose affair. I think that an open relationship is the better of the two options.

Neither is normal (both would cause me to raise an eyebrow), but affairs are more normal (e.g. I see them on TV).

while I know quite a few people in open relationships, even with multiple partners, affairs seem more commonplace, especially outside my circles of friends. Affairs seem to have no potential to be healthy, though, while open relationships do have that potential.

Interesting explanatory text on this survey. I would have expected "normal" to be a moral judgment in this context, but instead it's taken to mean "expected behavior." I assume this means "what you would be more likely to expect from the average person." Is my understanding correct?

I_Love_Jesus - Good question. I didn't really make a strong separation in my mind between the two, other than to specifically address the morality question further down the survey. I tend to have a knee-jerk reaction to most "moral judgements" because so many of them seem to come out of the mouths of conservative, evangelical, proselytizing Christians who believe they know better than others, therefore I tend to phrase questions on behaviors as ones of personal preference or expectations.

As for my own answer to the survey, unless your name is Bill Clinton I don't have any expectations about relationships - I did once, but I got rid of them. I do believe that affairs are unhealthy and even a bit immoral, as is any relationship largely based on lies and concealed truths. Relationships (open, monogamous or points in-between) based on openness & honesty are much more healthy.

Usually you just hear of "the affair"

jonathan... re: "conservative, evangelical, proselytizing Christians who believe they know better than others"...yeah, they piss me off too. ;)

Affairs are unfortunately more common, though open relationships make a lot more sense (and =I= think they are normal).

Among the people that I know, open relationships are more normal than affairs.

It depends what you mean by normal! Do you mean "common" or "excusable / understandable" or "acceptable" or "biologically normal" or...what? I know you pointed out that you meant "what you would expect" but I find that difficult to. Is it what I would expect of the majority of the population or what I would expect of my particular group of friends or of my partner. Expectations are almost as difficult to define as normality.

i guess i'm not secure enough to have an open relationship...i would be jealous ;)

An affair usually comes from something wrong in the marriage. An open relationship usually comes from something wrong in the head.

I have no problem with either.

I think that open relationships seem more healthy and natural to me than affairs. I think affairs are emotionally dangerous.

I think if an open relationship works for a couple and they are in full agreement and there is no jealousy or hidden feelings of resentment it can be perfectly "normal". Whatever the fudge "normal" means. I hate the word "normal". UG!

I think affairs are destructive. They usually involve deceit. That can't be good for a relationship.

I think there are more people who have affairs than have open relationships. I don't think that either affairs or open relationships are what is unhealthy, dangerous, or immoral. I think that people who deceive people who they love are immoral. (Guns don't kill people...)

But what is normal, really?

I really hate the word 'normal', even with the explanation given. All I can say is that I have complete respect for people who have mutually agreed to be in open relationships, but I have NONE for most people who have affairs.

In my circle of friends, it's hard to keep track...

bill: I like your definition of normal as "I see them on TV". That's a whole other social problem right there, isn't it? :)

Mariah, Bill: if you see something on TV, it must have been approved by the all-powerful ratings board as suitable for consumption. So that is probably at least a half-way decent way to gauge whether something is considered 'normal' by the general public.

You know what? I just had an epiphany today. I realized that no, I don't think affairs are okay. And I don't think that open marriages are okay. When I thought about it in the context of the man I am in love with, it wasn't okay. I don't want to share. I don't want him to share me.

Fluffball - it's fair for it not to be okay for you and him... that doesn't actually mean it's not okay for other people.

It is more normal for someone to have an affair - normality is basically statistics after all. However it is imho probably a lot more healthy to have an open relationship (depends on the individuals involved).

romkey, true. I have always tried not to push my morals on others. I was just surprised that I changed my mind after many years. I guess it's the old dog thing.

Fluffball - among my friends there are so many people with open relationships (and doing polyamory) that sometimes the folks who decide to be monogamous have a tough time - not because they're consciously pressured but because they end up having to question the decision so much because they're going against the grain.

Yup. Sometime I feel kind of lame and close minded for being a heterosexual monogamous person.

romkey, up until this week I have been a staunch believer in polyamory. I still think it's fine. I have just been shocked by the fact that after many, many years there is one person who can feel all my needs. It's odd to me that your friends would have that problem. I live in a very, VERY conservative part of the US and it would be scandalous here. I wish it were more liberal. I miss that.

Both are normal; open relationships seem more sensible.

it is a shame that both are normal, disfunctional is normal, and the whole marriage+affair thing is both. Neither one of them are right or healthy.

It's more normal (typical) for people to have affairs. It's healthier to have open relationships. At least open relationships are honest. Sneakiness sucks.