How would you react to the knowledge that a good friend/sibling was gay?

posted 10-Oct-1999 10:22pm

Uh...I would say "cool!"

Since I am in a same sex relationship this would not seem unusual to me.

Frostbrand

posted 10-Oct-1999 11:18pm

It hasn't affected me before.

posted 10-Oct-1999 11:28pm

i found out my older brother was gay a almost 2 years ago...don't love him any less...still the same person to me!

posted 11-Oct-1999 12:36am

magbast!!!!!!!((((Hug))) welcome back....

kirst

posted 11-Oct-1999 5:40am

This happened to me with my mom. My mom's partner for the last 12 years is awesome (much better to my mom than either of her two husbands). I am happy because my mom is in a caring relationship.

posted 11-Oct-1999 5:56am

1 and 4. While I consider it to be an aberration of the human psyche, I do not consider it to be wrong providing it does not involve anal engagement. Its just that getting a man and woman together seems to be a better way. Lets face it if we all became gay then the human race would disappear very quickly..............michael

posted 11-Oct-1999 7:51am

I'd be psyched, both for them for coming out, and for myself to have more company. It might come as a bit of a surprise, though.

posted 11-Oct-1999 7:53am

miykal: ...and if we were all straight and reproduced, the world would become overpopulated. Oh, wait, that's already happening. We don't ALL have to be either straight OR gay -- the world seems to be getting along just fine with the same mixture of straight, gay, bi, and whatever that's it's always had.

jjg

posted 11-Oct-1999 8:01am

I do have a sibling and close friend who are gay. Actually a few close friends. I don't and didn't react any differently, and I'm neither happy or sad that I learned this. It is a fact of life. Instead of making lewd comments about women they make lewd comments about men. Big deal.

romkey

posted 11-Oct-1999 9:46am

probably wouldn't react any differently than I would if I found out they were straight

romkey

posted 11-Oct-1999 9:50am

miykal - being gay means you like to sleep with people of the same gender of you. It doesn't say much about whether or not you want to have or raise children. And the spectrum of human sexuality is much broader than straight and gay, there are a LOT of people out there who like to sleep with people of both genders. My model of it is that sexuality is a relationship, not a bit (gay/straight) and not a point on the Kinsey Scale. I know plenty of straight people who've slept with one or two people of their own gender (even repeatedly), and gay people who've slept with one or two people of the opposite gender (even repeatedly).

Frankly, I think pigeonholing people on their sexuality and requiring them to limit it to one gender or the other is unhealthy and bad thinking.

OnanGupta

posted 11-Oct-1999 9:57am

Miykal's analysis tells me more about the profiler than about the suspect and frankly, it scares me.

anonymous

posted 11-Oct-1999 11:37am

It's clear miykal is a closet homosexual with strong anal desires.

posted 11-Oct-1999 4:29pm

i agree anon...

hey mandy..how's it hangin

posted 11-Oct-1999 7:19pm

Miykal...kiss my bisexual ass you close minded old fart!
Then have a nice day:)

magbast...things are awesome as usual ...oh and congrats to you and your lovely lady on the baby making;)

posted 11-Oct-1999 8:52pm

thanks...i'm eagerly awaiting the arrival of our offspring..hehehe

posted 12-Oct-1999 2:51am

Onan Gupta, my comment is not an analysis, its my opinion, and I am thankful for freedom of speech. Read my lips, I accept the fact that gays cannot help themselves, and they should not be persecuted for their inclinations. Its just that they arn't straight ie. normal.
Ask me what is normal and I can only give you my opinion what is normal. But my guess is if we accept that normal 'for our society' is the judgment of the majority and we asked the question is being gay a normal inclination, the answer would be no.

posted 12-Oct-1999 3:05am

gilly, overpopulation has nothing to do sexual orientation. Its to do with education and standard of living. Do you know why in the poor countries so many children are born? Well I'll tell you. Its because there's no social welfare. The parents realize that if they have 10 kids then just maybe one or even two might live long enough to provide for the father and or the mother in their 'old age' ie. when they are 40 odd. Now in a country like Australia if it was not for so many people immigrating to Australia we would have a negative population growth. This is because we have a good standard of living, good education and a good government pension for the retired. And what's more the majority of the population are normal ie. straight.

bill

posted 12-Oct-1999 9:23am

My brother is married and just recently had a child with his wife, also he's always seemed genuinely straight to me (lots of girl chasing in High School) ... So, I'd be shocked - so much so that I would have a lot of trouble even believing him. Otherwise, I think I'd be fine about it. I think gay people are cool. Most of the people I hang out with are either gay, bi, or at least gay-friendly.

OnanGupta

posted 12-Oct-1999 11:00am

miykal - It was actually the buggery bit that said the most about you. Whatever comes in through the peepers goes right into the neurobiology!

drdt

posted 12-Oct-1999 1:07pm

The choices are rough. Of course it would change how I feel about them, at least a little. But it wouldn't 'change our relationship completely'. And I wouldn't be inclined to fight it.

I would probably think it was cute and try to help set them up, assuming the recipient was likely to be amenable. If he wasn't, then I would probably get stuck commiserating with the newly-outed about how unfair life is, like I do with my heterosexual lovelorn friends.

Of course this is all hypothetical. If my -actual- brother revealed he was gay, that would completely change our relationship and I wouldn't know what to do with him. I mean, the guy has two illegitemate children and two ex-wives (both with kids). If he's gay, I'm a nun.

drdt

posted 12-Oct-1999 1:12pm

Miykal: We accept the fact that open-minded people cannot help themselves, and they should not be persecuted for their inclinations. Its just that they aren't bigots ie. normal. My guess is that if we accept that normal 'for our society' is the judgement of the majority and we asked the question is being open-minded a normal inclination, the answer would be no.

anonymous

posted 12-Oct-1999 5:48pm

(the original) I've always considered myself open-minded and now I'm not sure if I'm facing my own hypocrisy or if it's just taking some time to adjust. There is also the sense that perhaps I don't know her as well as I thought I did. We actually pulled an all-nighter one time in the past year debating this issue and quantum physics and such, and her views have changed completely.
Magbast, Kirst: Do you remember going through a period of adjusting to the idea?

Maarten

posted 12-Oct-1999 10:59pm

Three of my female friends are lesbians. No problems here.

posted 12-Oct-1999 10:59pm

anon..nope never..i always suspected..so it wasn't a shocker when he came out to everyone

posted 13-Oct-1999 1:39am

Onan Gupta and drdt, i feel we are all three being very defensive of our own point of view. At least i know i am guilty. It is very difficult to have a constructive and exploring discourse when one has a point of view that resists change.

Onan Gupta, your view of existance is very limited since you choose to ignore imagination. Do you realize imagination is more real than reality. What do I mean? Well I will explain. Where do you think the design of the chair you are sitting on came from? Where do you think the design of the computer that you are using to read this survey central comment came from? That's right, 10 out of 10. It came from someones imagination. Sorry but people who only see the world through their own 'peepers' tend to get my adrenaline going, and when that happens i run faster, swim faster and jump higher. And I've got the medals to prove it.

drdt, 'velly in..ter..est..ing'. You have given me food for thought. I have always believed we are not simply the victims of our conditioning and genes. We are our conditioning, our genes AND the results of our thinking. Unfortunately the former two have a very heavy bearing on the latter. It is very difficult to explore the wonders of the imagination with a mind that one must accept is 'contaminated' by ones genes and conditioning, don't you think?

kirst

posted 13-Oct-1999 8:43am

anon: It was a bit weird at first, but I was relieved that my step-father (aptly named Dick) was out of our life. I really liked Kathy, though, and had met her before. I don't remember being angry about the situation. I was mostly surprised.

anonymous

posted 13-Oct-1999 10:04am

she is...

Very

posted 13-Oct-1999 10:06am

I wish there was an option for "I think this might change our relationship somewhat." Not completely, but it wouldn't be a small deal to me, either, that I considered someone a good friend yet they hadn't shared this basic fact with me earlier.

fooyun

posted 13-Oct-1999 4:08pm

I was met with a lot of mixed reactions when I came out to my family...but since we haven't really discussed much about it since, it's become a moot point.

posted 14-Oct-1999 1:52am

Considering the fact that I'm gay and was one who told my sister and friends, I would not have a problem with it at all. My sister was surprised and I think she really had to adjust to the idea, but now (6 years later) she's fine with it. My best friend actually had a harder time because she was shocked that she hadn't had a clue, and was mad that I hadn't told her before. I finally convinced her of how scary it was for me to even admit it to myself, much less her, and that she shouldn't take it personally that I hadn't told her sooner. She soon adjusted and our friendship hasn't suffered.

posted 14-Oct-1999 2:08am

fooyun - I guess I missed something somewhere. I had no idea you were "one of us".

posted 14-Oct-1999 5:39pm

one of us? what? human?

*sheesh*

;P

drdt

posted 14-Oct-1999 7:06pm

SueBee: don't you guys have, like, a register or something?

anonymous

posted 14-Oct-1999 10:10pm

SueBee: I think you've given me part of it, from the other perspective. I was mad at her. Then I felt guilty about feeling mad. She didn't tell me in person when she had the chance, instead she called me up from several hours away (drunk), amongst a group of friends. I guess I was just hurt that she felt she had to put so much distance between us. It felt like she didn't trust me at all. I think I just underestimated the amount of guts it would take to tell me at all. I'm sorry for using this survey as my "Dear Abby" column but the answers are very interesting and the honesty and different perspectives are very much appreciated.

posted 15-Oct-1999 1:26am

anon - Coming out is a very scary thing, so try not to take it personally that she had a hard time telling you. Some families are not so understanding. I've heard many stories of people being disowned after coming out. You can certainly tell her how you feel (angry and untrusted) but I hope you'll try to do it in an understanding way. She's still your sister, and still the same person she's always been. She just finally couldn't stand keeping it a secret anymore.
I don't think you have to apologize for doing this survey. It has a good rating. Good luck working through this!

drdt - No registry, but if you saw the last episode of Ellen you know that we do get a free toaster oven for recruiting someone new.

Resy

posted 15-Oct-1999 12:31pm

none of the answers was really what happened when I found myself in a similar situation. I did feel differently toward the person, but wasn't upset in anyway. I felt bad that he hadn't told me before because we were good friends and he had to go through so much emotion basically alone (necessary time for him to deal with the realization, I'm sure, but I still wish I could have been there to support him). We remained friends until he died.

bill

posted 15-Oct-1999 1:39pm

Ah, so this really has little to do with homosexuality, and more to do with your sister not being honest with you, and treating you like you would freak out (thus not trusting that you love her). Interesting...

fooyun

posted 15-Oct-1999 8:55pm

SueBee: Sorry, I guess I never mentioned it.. :P My family was pretty uptight when I told them I was bisexual...but the funny thing is, we had to adjust more to when my younger sister brought home her first boyfriend than to my coming out.

Timo_Tschachler

posted 16-Oct-1999 12:18pm

Shared - that means, based on past, good relationship.
So that there would nothing be different. But not
"shared" in the sense of always being solicitated
to taking part in their particular speciality.
Every kind of relationship, not only the homosexual
one, requires sense of integration within the
feelings of the social group it is environmented
in (e.g. the family) and which has to cope with
one more, perhaps somehow surprisive information,
but perhaps neither would be interested in going
- itself - through substantial adaptations -
according to some nowadays-way-of-thinking:
"As you already know it, this, and that ..."
- and so on. Also the others reclaim to go on
being respected the same way they had been before,
when still fear of "reactions" had put everything
into its discrete shape.

Timo_Tschachler

posted 16-Oct-1999 12:30pm

By the way, there are some such-and-such-kissing
phantasies around I would also rather respect.
But - is this a discussion forum, or is it just
a chase on "closet homosexuals". Be fair, friends,
but - if be not able to - as y' like it.

Avocado

posted 16-Oct-1999 7:52pm

I'd say "Hey, wow, cool! You're gay? I'm bi!"

kristalynn

posted 17-Oct-1999 5:01pm

A few of my friends are gay but when i found this out I wasn't too close to them or anything. My best friend recently became bi but it's nothing to me because I'm so used to it and I think it's normal. I don't feel any different towards them. If it was 5 years ago it would probably be very strange to me.

posted 17-Oct-1999 6:25pm

Fooyun - You certainly don't have to apologize for not mentioning it. I just thought I had missed something because you said it so matter-of-factly. Was your sister's boyfriend a jerk, or was she just too young to have a boyfriend? Or maybe you all felt like she was too young because she's the baby of the family?

anonymous

posted 17-Oct-1999 9:36pm

bill: I'm not saying I wasn't "freaked out". This is someone I've known most of my life and understood well. Strangely enough, I knew that she loved this person it just never occurred to me that these feelings were sexual as well. Now, actually with the insight from this survey and a little time, I've been able to put things into perspective and start unraveling some of the confusion. I can put the anger aside and to be honest that was the part that was frightening to me.

fooyun

posted 18-Oct-1999 3:03pm

None of the above, SueBee. She was the first in the family to get a boyfriend. It was the first time any of us had to deal with someone's significant other whom they had picked by choice, if that makes any sense. :P

posted 19-Oct-1999 12:49am

Foo - You make it sound like your family is used to arranged marriages.

Mariah

posted 28-Oct-1999 1:50am

I have no problems with homosexuals and I would hope that it would not interfere with my relationship with the person

Jeanne

posted 31-Oct-1999 12:02pm

I am a heterosexual woman. I have members in my family who are homosexual. I was devastated. My oldest child (of four children)is homosexual. I felt as though there was a death when I found out about my daughter. I searched and searched of ways to help her. I found out that there are 180 variables of why people have this lifestyle. Some of the list consists of: a break in relationship between the child-parent and the parent-parent. Also, a trauma in the "homosexual stage" in their youth. A hormone/environment situation. Molest, rejection by parent or step parent. Many variables, 180 of them. Homosexuality is not inherited, a person is NOT born that way. I understand it to be a personality disorder through no fault of theirs. I felt like a failure as a parent and how could I have protected her more? What could I have done different to help her? I always asked myself these questions. She unfortunately refused help because she didn't understand why she was the way she was. I have a brother and niece who are homosexual. The sexual psychic is very fragile in human beings. I do believe some people are more sensitive, perhaps this is why it can happen to members of one family. I don't know I am theorizing.
My daughter, brother and niece are all loved in the family. In the beginning of finding out about my daughter there was a little divide in the family through by daughter-in-laws, but that was quickly alleviated through my daughters siblings, her brothers. Her brothers and sister all love her and accept her, even though they do not accept her lifestyle. My daughter, niece and brother are accepted (even though the lifestyle is not accepted)and loved by the family.

Maarten

posted 31-Oct-1999 12:25pm

Jeanne: Homosexuality is NOT a lifestyle, it's NOT a personality disorder and it's NOT something caused by failing parents. Also it's NOT something that can be cured, as homosexuals are not sick! And yes, homosexuals ARE born that way.
You are gay or you aren't, just like you have blond hair or you don't.

Lizabeth

posted 31-Oct-1999 1:03pm

Jeanne: A personality disorder?! How is it a personality disorder to find someone you love that just happens to be the same sex as you are? You cannot help your daughter because she doesn't need help. Whether you accept her "lifestyle" or not, that's who your daughter is.

And no, I'm not homosexual.

posted 31-Oct-1999 2:35pm

At least she didn't turn her back on her daughter. I think it is better for a parent to embrace their child and say, I love you even though I don't/can't understand this, than turn their back completely.
I've been through this. My father called me an abomination to (his)God(although he himself is a wife beater and an alcoholic and plain evil but he's been washed clean by the blood of Christ so...that doesn't count) when he found out about Sue and I. For years my father and I talked on the phone regularly. After I came out to him, he never called again. We recently came back into contact(because he is dying and now wants and needs his family,I suppose) but he never once asked how Sue was...or if I was happy....It is as if he thinks by ignoring the fact that I am with a woman, it will go away.
Jeanne, keep loving your daughter. And if you can manage to love her without constantly reminding her that you believe her homosexuality is some kind of mistake or flaw, that's even better.

posted 31-Oct-1999 4:30pm

Jeanne - I WAS born a lesbian. I know it for a fact as I feel it with all my being. I remember the feelings from a very young age, before it was even about sexuality. Scientists have not been able to prove or disprove it, so what makes you the authority?

Lauren

posted 31-Oct-1999 6:48pm

It doesn't matter what type of sexual preference a person is. What matters is their character. I have friends who are gay who are really nice, and I know people who are gay who aren't very nice. The thing is it isn't the person's sexuality that I look at, it is their character.

LuvMyGsu

posted 1-Nov-1999 12:30am

This happened to me only it was my ex-wife who turned to woman. At first it devestated me. now i have no ill feelings for her or anyone who is gay. However i still believe that it is a sin and god loves the sinner but not the sin. As i say this i must admit that i have sin in my life in other way's I just thank my God that he forgives me as well as all other sinners and that is Why Jesus died not just for the heterosexual but also for the homosexual. All we have to do is ask him for forgivness.

LuvMyGsu

posted 1-Nov-1999 12:37am

Vos you are wrong Homosexuality is not a bor trait i am sorry that you are so ignorant.

posted 1-Nov-1999 1:00am

LuvMyGsu - You are the one who is wrong. I'd like to see some scientific proof to back up your opinion, please.

anonymous

posted 1-Nov-1999 11:02am

It would be just fine with me if female, but something about male gays bothers me. I think it's the poking around in the anus part. It's just unsanitary. Yuck. I would also have to thank about it if it was my SO. That would be wierd and pretty dissapointing.

dsysko

posted 1-Nov-1999 11:16am

Suebee/vos: How about some proof that we ARE born that way? You two sound like socialists. "How dare you say that we have a choice in our sexual preference?" What you say is absurd. I make choices all day long, and do not defer to any whim of the moment.

wsbrown

posted 1-Nov-1999 11:39am

This already happened to me. A close friend told me she was gay when we were in High School. I had almost no reaction except to ask if she had a good girlfriend. Don't know why homosexuality is almost boring to me. My friend was sooo relieved that I could talk about it with her without flipping out. Later I started to squirm a little in our conversations because she told me more than I really wanted to know about the hard core gay sex scene. I'm fine until we get into details. Yikes!

bill

posted 1-Nov-1999 12:40pm

dsysko - I don't feel I have much choice in my sexual preference, do you? I can imagine being attracted to my own sex, but I've never felt it. Are you saying you could choose your sexual preference?

Jody

posted 1-Nov-1999 1:40pm

I really wrestle with this one, spiritually and emotionally. I *know* what the Bible says. But I also know some of my dearest friends over the years have been gay, and many have told me they always knew they were gay, and there was never a choice about it. I would never shun these dear ones.
I wrestle with the concept that God would cause so many people to so naturally seek what He calls a detestable sin and an abomination. Why? Why would He do that? My heart and spirit are still working out how I feel about this one.
And for those people who take the Bible's word on this to heart, feeling homosexuality is an utter sin, we are taught to love the sinner and hate the sin. For this reason, I believe that no gay person should ever suffer at the hands, or mouth (words can hurt a lot too), of a Christian.

Zolars

posted 1-Nov-1999 1:41pm

I think that the toughest part about being told is the implied lack of trust. The person that keeps their preference a secret doesn't trust the love or friendship of others enough to tell them.

Oscar

posted 1-Nov-1999 4:02pm

I would have to voice my opposition

posted 2-Nov-1999 12:51am

dsysko - I have no proof other than my own personal experience. For many years I chose not to act on my lesbian feelings. It was emotionally painful. Being in a lesbian relationship feels so much more natural to me. What I'm trying to say is that I may be able to choose who I spend my life with, but I cannot choose which sex arouses me. Were you born heterosexual, or did you just turn that way somewhere along the line?

anonymous

posted 3-Nov-1999 1:26pm

Jeanne - the reason your daughter is homosexual is that GOD wanted her to be that way. There is no other possibility. Her homosexuality doesn't change your relationship with her. Love her the way you would anyone else.

Wicksy

posted 4-Nov-1999 5:20am

anonymous: "Jeanne - the reason your daughter is homosexual is that GOD wanted her to be that way."

What a load of bullcrap!!

anonymous

posted 4-Nov-1999 10:36am

Wicksy - I think anon1 was trying to rationalize with Jeanne in a way that she would understand. What exactly are you disagreeing with?

Wicksy

posted 4-Nov-1999 11:11am

I just don't think God said "Okay my little creation, you're gay". I think it's more likely someone turns gay after they're born. Some turn gay in a few years as they body, mind and understanding develop. Others turn gay later on. But I think everyone is born in the same way!!

ILJ

posted 4-Nov-1999 12:11pm

It wouldn't affect my opinion of the person or the strength of our friendship, but obviously there is some amount of adjustment that must take place, even if it's very minor. If my friend Joe, for example, tells me he's gay, I doubt I'd be as likely to engage him in a conversation about alternate uses for the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue as I would with my presumably straight friend Bob. Not because I'd be worried about offending Joe, but just because what would be the point? The nature of our conversations would almost certainly change to some small degree, but I should hope that it would be an adjustment our friendship could survive.

Avocado

posted 6-Nov-1999 10:20pm

I don't think we know if being gay is genetic or not, and truly, I don't think it matters. M'self, I think there *could* be something to the genetic hypothesis... I'm bi, and so's my mother. I didn't know Mom was bi until 3 years after I came out to her, and my parents present as a straight couple - so it's not like they influenced me socially to be bi.

Jeanne - I know it's hard what you are going through. Your religion tells you that homosexuality is immoral, and so it is a sad and scary thing for you to know that your daughter and other family members are gay. But - no matter whether you believe that homosexuality is a sin - please don't think that you caused your daughter to be gay. There are a multitude of sources of opinion about what 'causes' gayness, but no scientifically proven facts - so you need not torture yourself trying to figure out 'where you went wrong.' Nobody knows any better than anyone else what the answer is to this question.

If I can make a recommendation - look up the organization PFLAG, Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays, at www.pflag.org - they may be able to refer you to other Christian parents who have experienced the coming out of their children, and who have had to grapple with their confusion and fear of what this all might mean. There are PFLAG chapters all around the country. Also, you might look at the web page of the Metropolitan Community Church, which is at http://nz.com/NZ/Queer/AllSaintsMCC/bibleand.htm - that offers perspectives by other Christians on what the Bible has to say about being gay.

I'm glad that your family has chosen to love rather than reject your daughter. I think that will be the most important thing in the long run.

natsim

posted 8-Nov-1999 4:51pm

When my best friend told me he was gay (ten years ago now) I was extremely happy because he'd been really quiet, and I was pleased to know that I hadn't done anything to upset him. I really wanted to talk to someone about it, so I spoke to my boyfriend at the time. I think that was the biggest mistake I made. He was really someone who hates gay men and lesbians, and while I didn't realise it at the time, he was pushing me to agree with him rather than to think it out for myself. I ended up having a huge fight with my best friend, expressing views that weren't even my own. It was pretty stupid. Talk to someone, but make up your own mind!

Maarten

posted 9-Nov-1999 7:29am

dsysko: you're sooo pathetic, I won't even respond to your utterly stupid remarks. Even more stupid and ignorant than luvmugsu's.

anonymous

posted 13-Nov-1999 9:51am

There's nothing wrong with being gay so why should it matter to anyone!

Wicksy

posted 15-Nov-1999 5:38am

anon: Because to some people, it matters!!

BTW, that doesn't include me!

posted 15-Nov-1999 8:02am

I think to some people it's the gay part that matters, and to other people it's the fact that they feel that someone close to them has been keeping a secret and perhaps didn't trust them -- if you think you know someone, suddenly finding out something that important about them could be kind of a shock, even if you don't think it's bad.

supplicant

posted 15-Nov-1999 9:07am

gilly: but it's not important.

posted 15-Nov-1999 12:52pm

Sez who? Maybe it's not to everyone, but it certainly is to some people. My being bi is certainly important to me, and from some of the comments around here I assume I'm not the only one who feels that way.