Sorry...I'm too lazy to read all of that.

Am I a bad person for imagining that the line "Mom, Dad I got something I need to tell you." was delivered in the voice of Richard Roundtree?

What the hell?

I think it's most likely a work of fiction, and I think it would benefit greatly from a backstory (the events leading up to this night) to properly frame the interaction.

I refuse to read something by someone who starts with 'Im'.

Sorry, I was too lazy to read it

Erica sat at the picnic table on the back porch. She stared into the night sky contemplating life. The sky was clear. The stars sparkled. The air tasted fresh. Erica wished her life were so clear. She wished life did not make her feel dirty.


Its not badly written but it needs some back ground? The above paragraph.......... is made up of 7 sentences..
There seemed to be alot of "full stops" when commas would suffice making for alot of sentences in some relatively short paragraphs....... I am no expert its just my opinion

Erica sat at the picnic table on the back porch contemplating life, staring as she often did at the night sky. This was a beautiful time of the year, stars shining brightly and a crisp bite in the air which was not altogether unpleasant.
It seemed so ironic that the clarity of the night was in stark contrast to her feelings. ................

Um, it's nice







I didn't read it

This reads like one of those stories you get in cheap and tacky women's magazines - the ones that are supposed to have a twist in the tail...I don't mean to be harsh, but I just don't think that it's very good. If it is supposed to have a twist part-way through then that isn't very successful, because you can see it coming too early in the story. Your grammar is a bit all over the place, and that's very distracting. You use a lot of very short sentences which perhaps was a stylistic choice, but to me it really prevents the story from flowing. I don't end up with a sense of what Erica is feeling - you seem to try and build up a sense of dread in the first few paragraphs, but it doesn't quite work. Erica could easily be putting off having to do her homework, not a life-changing moment that is terrifying. The whole thing just feels rather flat. My guess is that this is a story close to your heart - can't you pour something more of that into it? Perhaps you've spent too long tweaking it, so that it's original emotion is lost?

> Um, it's nice
>
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>
>
>
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> I didn't read it

You should. However, it does mention pantyhose, but nothing about harnits or doily's. So maybe it isn't worth your time after all.

It looks like she's been tweaking it for two years.

http://surveycentral.org/survey/20688.html

You didn't seem to like it much then.

I paced the kitchen, summoning up the courage to confront my parents who were waiting in the sitting room. My hairnet was fastened securely in place and, although the diaper was a little itchy, the pantyhose felt wonderful against the bare skin of my legs. Finally the moment came.

"Mom, Dad I've got something I have to tell you", I said as I stepped gingerly through the door.

They were so shocked, they peed all over the floor... on purpose.

At least I'm consistent.

I think you should submit it as is.

EXCELLENT!!!

Yes this story is alright it gets A's

I didn't bother reading it.

I hope erica continues to do it. she should have nothing to fear.

That's pretty good! Keep at it. This shows a lot of potential!

However, I'm noticing that you have a tendency to begin sentences with "She" and using pretty short sentences. It's nice when you are writing something, to break things up a bit and try to get a few ideas into a sentence where possible. Let me give you an example:

Erica sat at the picnic table on the back porch, staring into the clear, night sky, contemplating life. The stars sparkled and the air tasted fresh. Erica wished her life were so clear and did not make her feel dirty.

See what I mean?

Otherwise, it's very good! You describe things well. I can feel like I'm there. That's important!

and the creator outed herself. It was anonymous the first time.

It was anonymous last time because it was me who got it through qual. Back when surveys went into "fix-me" status after so many days, I picked this up and tweaked it a little so it would get qualified. Whenever I did that, I always set it to anonymous so I wouldn't get the credit.

Ahhhh... I remember "fix me". I could never figure out how to rescue surveys out of that.

booooooring. And gross

That's a great story, if only I had the attention span to read it..

It's not bad.... but the sentences could be blended a bit more, like Zang and Gambler suggested. Especially the paragraph about how Erica looked in all that pink.

>
> Its not badly written but it needs some back ground? The above paragraph..........
> is made up of 7 sentences..
> There seemed to be alot of "full stops" when commas would suffice
> making for alot of sentences in some relatively short paragraphs.......
> I am no expert its just my opinion
>
> Erica sat at the picnic table on the back porch contemplating life,
> staring as she often did at the night sky. This was a beautiful time
> of the year, stars shining brightly and a crisp bite in the air which
> was not altogether unpleasant.
> It seemed so ironic that the clarity of the night was in stark contrast
> to her feelings. ................
>
>

Thank you, gambler. I know I'm not a great writer. This was my 1st story. This is what I am looking for, help to make it a story worthy of publishing.

Thanks, Biggles. It is a work in progress and your input has me thinking.

> I paced the kitchen, summoning up the courage to confront my parents
> who were waiting in the sitting room. My hairnet was fastened securely
> in place and, although the diaper was a little itchy, the pantyhose
> felt wonderful against the bare skin of my legs. Finally the moment
> came.
>
> "Mom, Dad I've got something I have to tell you", I said as I stepped
> gingerly through the door.
>
> They were so shocked, they peed all over the floor... on purpose.
>
>

LOL

take the time then give me an honest assessment.

How about Erica and her feelings? Did you feel for her? Do I need to make any major changes (other than tightening up the sentences) to the description of Erica's feelings? Any suggestions for things I could add to this story to help make it more interesting and to help the reader feel like there are there and feeling what Erica is feeling? I want to keep the story as starting at the point it does, but how can I expand on it?

Any helpful suggestions as to adding backstory? I do want to keep it as a snapshot of that night and the introduction of Erica to her parents, but anything i might can add to help the story....

YW

I like the story. That is the most important thing. I also like how the event was set up. The sentences seem a bit choppy but I see other people have mentioned that.
One thing is for sure. You are brave. There is no way you'd get any of my work here for people to destroy any hint of talent or interest my writing may have had.

It was too long and I lost interest part way through.

Generic.

Ok I got around to working on it. what do you think now?


Prom Night (updated`jul07)

Erica sat on top of the picnic table on the patio behind her home. She stared off into the clear, full-moonlit night sky, as she often did, contemplating life. The clean, fresh scent of an early summer rain shower, somewhere off in the distance, filled the air. It seemed so ironic that the clarity of the night was in stark contrast to her feelings. She wished life did not make her feel so shameful, dirty, and alienated.

The lights in the family room were still on and Erica sat there in the dark just outside of the beam of light filtering through the closed vertical blinds of the patio door. Erica knew that her parents were still waiting up for her. She glanced back over at Susan's house, her neighbor and long time friend. There were no lights on at her house.

Erica inhaled deeply, trying to calm her nerves and telling herself that the time had come. She stood up and stepped down off the table, her heels making a light click as they made contact with the brick surface of the patio. She stood there for a moment looking down at her soft pink gown and bending over, she straightened her hose. She was so proud of how beautiful she looked, tonight and for a moment reflected on the fun she’d had. Taking a step towards the back door, she glanced back at Susan's house hoping for a last second reprieve, but the Governor was not calling.

Erica's head was held low, her stride slow and heart pounding for she dreaded what she was about to do. Yet, no matter how hard she knew it was going to be, it was something that had to be done, she had to tell her parents, they had to know. She had been planning this moment for months and wasn’t about to back out now. Pausing with her hand held on the doorknob she once again looked back at Susan's house, thinking, 'where are you', 'we were supposed to stay together', and you said 'you would watch over me tonight.' But there, in the moonlight Susan’s dark house stood unmoving, uncaring, and empty. Erica was upset that Susan disappeared on her, but more than that she was upset over the fact that she had disappeared, period. It was not in Susan's character to be thoughtless and uncaring and Erica worried that something had happened to Susan, something awful.

Erica took one final deep breath, cleared her mind, told herself everything was going to be ok and stepped into the kitchen, quietly shutting the door behind her. She knew that in mere moments her parents were going to be upset with her, probably want to disown her, lock her away so that no one would have to know what an embarrassing disgrace to the family, she was.

Her parents were sitting in the next room waiting for her. She straightened her dress one final time, and glanced down at her heels, stalling. She heard the sound of the television go away, muted.

"How was the prom dear?" her mother called to her.

"Alright." The prom had not been “everything” she had hoped, but she did not have any regrets, until now.

"Come tell us all about it," her mother said.

She knew she was about to have their undivided attention, for they would not be able to look at the television once she stepped into the room. "Mom, Dad I got something I need to tell you." Any parent could hear the reluctance in the statement; they heard it many times over the years. "Mom, - I spilled my milk", "Mom, Dad - I broke the lamp", Mom, Dad - I wrecked the car". Could any words prepare them? Heels clicking lightly on the hardwood floor, Erica stepped into the family room, through the doorway next to the television, and into the light.

With a slight gasp, her mom’s jaw dropped, speechless and breathless. Her dad looked up, his eyes growing large; face red with a very perplexed look upon it. Both her parents just sat there for a moment, staring at her. They acted initially shocked and confused but not terribly horrified. Slowly they examined her from head to toe, as she stood before them in silence.

Erica wore a tea length pink taffeta gown with thin, clear spaghetti straps. The bodice hugged her tightly giving her a more womanly shape. She had on two inch open toed, pink heels that were color-matched to her gown and showed off her pretty French-tipped toenails. She was wearing a mother of pearl necklace with faux-diamond earrings that projected brilliant flashes of reflected light and a pink ice tennis bracelet. A touch of blush made her cheeks a soft pink, to match the pale pink lipstick that highlighted her full lips. Her light pink, almost white, French tipped acrylics made her fingers look oh so dainty and cute. She also carried a small pink and white sequined purse. She wore a long blonde wig with hair of long blonde ringlet curls that fell to the middle of her back, just below her shoulders; her perfectly tanned skin glowing beautifully.

As she stood there shaking, pulse racing, heart pounding; tears started to swell in Erica's eyes. Based on their reactions, and given the circumstances, she knew her parents had to be extremely disappointed. "I-I-I can explain."

"Where is your tuxedo?!?" dad asked.

"At Susan's house," Erica stared down at the floor, unable to look him in the eye.

She never intended to hurt her parents. She had hoped they would never have to know. It was the senior prom, and she was not going to miss it. She did not want to go through the rest of her life with regret. Her parents had always told her that she could never go back. They told her; in an effort to keep her grades up, an earned 'C' is a recorded 'C', you can never go back and change it. She understood what they were saying; you’ve only got one life; live in a way you will never have to look back with regret and wish you had done things differently.

"Is that how you went to the prom?" her dad asked.

Erica's lower lip quivered, "y-yes, yes sir."

Erica thought back over the events of the evening; remembered how she and Susan had been planning it since January.
She remembered how Susan helped to transform her from the lonely, confused, unhappy male; Eric, into the lovely, bubbly, happy, full-of-life Erica, standing here now. Eric thought back to that Saturday at the mall when Susan had spent the entire day modeling prom dresses for him and how she had saved him from embarrassment by purchasing the clothes for him. He thought about the small collection of pantyhose, shapers, panties and bras he had in her room, in a drawer she had given him; the denim skirt, and cute silk top in her closet and his favorite pair of low rise flared-leg jeans with the pretty little bows sewn along the seam of one leg. He thought about the thrill he and Susan both had had when they ordered the wig and silicon breast forms. The excitement he had the day they arrived and the joy he felt the first time he glued them on. He thought about all the times, practically every afternoon, when his parent's thought he was only studying at Susan's house, and how, in reality, Susan was putting him through a crash course in all things feminine; teaching him how to do his nails, apply make-up, walk in heels, sit like a girl, carry himself and act completely feminine; basically everything a teenage girl knows about looking, feeling, and being attractive and feminine. He thought about the Saturday evenings, and how, with his mom gone to her weekly wine socials at the country club and his dad on the golf course; he would spend all afternoon at Susan’s house, transforming into Erica and how they would don short skirts or tight jeans, do each other's make-up and hair, then go out for a drive around the other side of town, in Susan’s convertible, stopping for burgers’ at Johnny’s; the spot where all the cross town rival high school boys hung out ogling the females. He reminisced about that one boy, Ryan, that had been taken with Erica and how he had flirted with her, totally unaware that Erica was a guy underneath and how this had made Eric feel totally at ease and comfortable as Erica.
He was jolted from his reminiscing by his father’s voice.
"How did it go? Were there any problems? Any regrets?" his dad asked.

"No, no sir."

Mom stood up and walked over to her son, reaching out she took his hands in hers. For a brief moment she admired her son’s pretty, feminine fingernails, the tiny little cubic zirconium “engagement” style ring on his right ring finger and how dainty and feminine they made his hand’s seem; then she looked Eric in the eyes smiling. "I'm disappointed, in that I missed your big night. You look very pretty and I didn't have a hand in it. I missed shopping for a prom dress. I missed helping you pick out your jewelry. I missed everything. “ She started to cry and his dad put his arm around his mom and gave her a comforting hug.


Eric was stupefied by his mother's statements. His mind was blank. He took a deep breath. Before entering the house, he had tried to create all the arguments that his parents would have and the only counterargument he could think of; to apologies and swear to never do it again.

"Mom, I'm sorry." He did not want to hurt them. "I'll never do it again, I swear." He did not know what else to say.

"Yes you will," she stated between sobs. She knew that, obviously, this was not the first time her little baby had transformed himself. With all the trouble he had gone to to look as beautiful and completely feminine as he did standing before her, she knew that tonight would not be the last no matter what he was now saying. No he was doing too convincing of a job at appearing as a girl to convince her it was a one time thing. And if she were to be honest with herself, she knew she didn't really want it to be the last time either. She had to have a complete hysterectomy after giving birth to Eric and had always wished she could have another child, a daughter she could take shopping and buy all kinds of pretty, feminine things for.

"Mom, I'm real sorry. I swear I'll never do it again."

His mom got control of her emotions, "don't make promises you can't keep."

"We're not angry with you, honey." his dad stated.

"You guys are disappointed. I mean what parent wouldn't be, especially a father." Eric said, because that was the way he felt. His mother reached out and hugged him. His father stood and stretched, then stated, "I'm going to go to bed and leave you two to talk." After stretching, he walked up to the two of them, leaning over to give Eric’s mom a kiss on the cheek he whispered in her ear, “Let me know how it goes.” Then leaning over toward Eric he gave his son a soft peck on the cheek then said, "It’s going to be alright, dear. Goodnight, girls."

Eric heard his father's words, you girls. Those were words he never thought he would hear his dad say.

"Come, honey, have a seat on the couch. I have so much I want to know. By the way, what feminine name have you chosen? I assume you do have one? ", his mom said as she took her son by the hand and led him to the sectional across the room. As she took a seat she noticed how naturally Eric reached and smoothed the back of his dress as he sat down on the edge of the couch, back straight, legs crossed at the knees, one hand on top of the other; resting on his top knee. “I kinda like, Erica”

“ So, Erica, how about you start by telling tell me all about the prom?," she asked as all mothers ask their daughters.

The End?
Erica's Beginning

go back to my survey at http://surveycentral.org/survey/26677.html Scroll down in the comments to wnere I reposted my story "Prom Night" and let me know what you think of the changes I made.

I got your PM.........I will look at it soon.... and get abck to you