What is the worst joke that you know?

Van Gogh turns to his beloved, cuts his ear off and says to her

"This is a token to show how much I love you"

"Thank you", replied the girl

"Pardon", said Van Gogh

What is JFK Junior's favourite film ....... SPLASH

Q: 'Ask me if I am a duck.'

A: 'Ok. Are you a duck?'

Q: 'No!'

I use to be a werewolf but I'm Okay Noowwwooooooooooooooooooo

drdt: It made me laugh.

Knock knock.
  Who's there?
Interrupting cow.
  Interrup--
Moo!

do you want to hear a dirty joke?
a little boy fell in a mud puddle.
do you want to hear a clean joke?
the little boy took a bath.

How do you nique up on a tame rab... damn.

A dirty joke told by a seven year old many years ago:

Two white horses fell in the mud and three came out.

Jerk: Knock knock
Innocent victim: who's there?
Jerk: banana
Innocent victim: banana who?
Jerk: Knock knock
Innocent victim: who's there?
Jerk: banana
Innocent victim: banana who?
Jerk: Knock knock
Innocent victim: who's there?
Jerk: banana
Innocent victim: banana who?
Jerk: Knock knock
Innocent victim: who's there?
Jerk: banana
Innocent victim: banana who?
Jerk: Knock knock
Innocent victim in a perturbed tone: WHO'S THERE?!!!
Jerk: orange
Innocent and surprised victim: Orange who?
Jerk: Orange ya glad I didn't say banana!

Worst as in least funny, or worst as in most offensive? Two peanuts were walking in a bad neighborhood, and one of them was assaulted!

What's 14" long, hard as a rock, purple, and drives women crazy?

What?

Lucifer
(A masterful story teller)

Q: Is that a duck?
A: That is/isn't a duck.

The best ever:
..Takes the head off his ape suit and yells "Help, Help, There's a lion in here". Lion retorts "Shut up, you want us to all lose our jobs?"

I loooooove the banana joke too... you guys don't think these jokes are funny? I love em.

Q: Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

A:Because it was DEAD!!!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road.
A: Too much traffic.

I could really go for a Tibetan hot tub now.

Q: why did the tree fall dead?
A: To bury the monkey.

Q: How many monkeys does it take to screw in a banana?
A: The only one left.

Q: If a tree falls alone in a forest does it make a noise?
A: Knock Knock

Q: What is the sound of one hand clapping?
A: Knock Knock

Q: Who's there?
A: Knock Knock

Q: Knock Knock?
A: Knock Knock

Knock Knock

What do you get when you cross a helicopter, an elephant, and a rhino?
Hell if I know, but i'm sure some bio-tech company will show us.

How does the Man on the Moon cut his hair ..... ECLIPSE IT

Cow 1: Moooo

Cow 2: You bastard, I was gonna say that

Patient: Doctor Doctor I keep being ignored

Doctor: Next Please


A Horse walks into a Bar and the bartender says .. "WHY THE LONG FACE"

Why did the chicken fall down?

It was dead.

Why did the dog fall down?

It was stapled to the chicken.

What musical instrument does Bill Clinton play?

Our Monica

A man walks into a bar and says "ouch"

What's the difference between a pregnant hooker and a lightbulb?

You can unscrew a lightbulb.

Q: Why don't sharks eat clowns?

A: They taste funny...

What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?

Full up!!

Actually, I love this one, it should be on a best joke survey!!

Those were fantastic esp. G/W's. Did you write any of them?
I just made these ones (except 'shut up..') i'm sure they'll get better. I've decided to become a writer and need to know all the genres.

"write about what you know"....mark twain.. (may not be the exact words, it just popped into my memory)

That doesn't rule out much unfortunately. Better to write about that which others don't know, or that which warms my heart or fascinates me. Are you implying I don't know humor? I have a rare one shared by few cheerful bright cynicists with a taste for the absurd.
You had to site my most abhorred author of the same birth name (Clemens), who's works i read as a child, who's hangouts i've visited. Mr. 2 Fathoms deep. I should, I suppose master Hemingway, just to make sure surrealism is a choice, not a limitation. Though I've already suffered his propensity for arranging text with index cards, years ago. Are you confusing 'genre' for 'subject matter'? Pop-lyrics are a genre. One could use them as a vehicle for describing ones amazement at the correllation between a flies compound eye, and a computer; or the nostalgia of 'spotting for beer'.

No, "pop-lyrics" are NOT a genre, they are a form, likewise poetry and prose are not genres either.

I am currently reading a very sophisticated book called 'Three Genres' which compares and contrasts poetry, fiction, and drama.
My best friend with a PhD. in Rennaissance literature recommended it. It gets into things like how a line of iambic meter followed by a line of stresses creates a serious tone. I suspect it gets into Grungestalt and other fun stuff after the first chapter.

GENRE (ZHAHN-ruh)
A category of artistic, musical or literary composition characterized by a particular form, style or content.
Poetry, for example, is a literary genre.

Genre is a category used to classify literary works, usually by form, technique, or content.

genre - class or category of art or literature in accordance with characteristic form, technique and content; examples of literary genres are tragedy, comedy and epic.

Perhaps you were using the following definition of genre:
GENRES: 1. The various categories of subject matter in the traditional academic hierarchy, in descending order of importance: history, megalography (representations intended to glorify or idealize excessively some event, person or thing), mythology, religion, portraiture (including the portrait historié, a portrait of an historical figure playing the role of a character from history, literature, mythology or theatre), genre
(see sense 2, following), landscape, still-life, and rhopography (representations of trivial bric-à-brac, including such things as the remains of a meal, garbage on the floor, etc.). 2. A little confusingly, one of the genres is "genre," the depiction of everyday life, ordinary folk and common activities. Cf bourgeois drama, drame bourgeois, intrigue.

Or were you just agravating me as a joke?

Jasmine: Your fourth from last comment about the jokes being fantastic except God and Wicksy's goes to prove that we were the only two to answer the survey correct. After all, it was about "bad" jokes, not "fantastic" ones. Looks like you've missed the plot once again.

Wicksy Wicksy :( I said your's were ESPECIALLY fantastic. Now, instead of accepting a compliment, because of you paranoid reading, you'll have to deny mine to create your own.
I'll miss any plot they try to bury me in.

Jasmine: I APOLIGIZE. I now see you wrote "esp", not "exc." I am sorry

So, which one did you like best? Or should I be saying worst?

Did you hear about the Irish shop lifter?

He was found dead under Harrods.

Man walks into a bar (ouch) and asks the barman for a double entendrer.
Barman - will that be a large one?

G/W/s Pardon? Moo Next Long Face Ouch Full-up
Two drunks walk down a railroad track. One says "these stairs go on forever". Other one says "And these stair rails are killing my back".
(my step dad did some AA)

Jazz//~~> darling, i know better than most what a genre is. i was not insulting your sense of humor (though what you claim it to be is not rare, but rather wide-spread these days if you're in the habit of speaking to individuals and not "people"), and my usage of Sammy C. was incidental, i assure you. i meant only (which you quite conveniently went and got Obvious about instead of taking a bit of philosophy from a dead man) that you should write about things close to you that will bring interest to others if the text be crafted well. Hemingway was an uptight bastard, but well worth it for your own personal...mm...shall we say..."bettering"?

Thanks. My favorite joke was when i invented the helium filled styrofoam packing peanut. People who have fits over that one are rarer than those with Kliban's cat book.
Colubus sets forth again to prove the world is not cylindrical.

Jasmine: Looks like I stand corrected... an ambiguous word to use in that context in my opinion because of it's deep ingrained meaning as something slightly different, but none the less a perfectly valid one. And I'm insulted by your second implication - I personally have considerably better things to do with my time than aggravate you for fun.

That's good, I apologize for considering such. The context of the survey was 'worst joke' and i also make the frequent mistaken presumption that people rarely make mistakes and therefore must have alterior motives for their actions.

"eat the door."
.. don't ask.

Q. Why do women wear perfume and makeup?
A. Because they smell and they're ugly.

Male: Hey love, I've got 200 tampons for 1 dollar. Honestly, all 200 for 1 dollar. Believe me, no string attached!!!

Wow - I find Guthrie's "bad" joke to be amazingly poignant and multi-leveled.
One could take the answer as absurd, of course women don't smell and aren't ugly - so why are so many wearing make-up and perfume? (poignant statement about the objectification of women in our society).
But, you could also take it as "of course woman smell and are ugly" They're human like all of us. But again, their societal status coaxes them to hide such traits -- to be super human -- we expect women in our society to be super human.
...or maybe I'm just reading to much into a bad joke.

Two pregnant nuns are talking to each other and one says to the other "I haven't seen you since Benny Dicked us."

misogyny with a message!

Bill: at the very least, it wasn't very funny which makes it a good 'bad joke'.

Man1: Stop behaving like an animal
Man2: woof

I remember my brothers first joke:
Q. What did the frog say to the chicken?
A. Ribbbet
Suddenly this pang hits me. He was obviously too bright for the rest of us.

mandy - I can answer you (what?) but it's truly horrible, so I'd rather do so in email. -topper@apocalypse.org

OHHH...nevermind then,hon ;)

I guess I'm the Curious George...I'll e-mail Topper for the answer!

A 14" long purple rock, perhaps? Wouldn't necessarily explain the crazy part though.

jen..... *tears streaming down my cheeks*

Make sure to order it in purple, mandy, so it matches our iMac!

I had a phase where I played with my Joltin Jelly from God Vibrations in the the city (SF,CA). Oops, that's 'Good Vibrations'

SB: Hey, maybe you can find a model that plugs right into your iMac, kinda like a mouse or something for internet usage. Whoa, I think I've made my next million.

I already have a purple vibrator. Why would I need two?

TwM: !

drdt - Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

SB: maybe, but how would we ever get a rhinocerous down those stairs?

My thought exactly. (??!)

Rhinocerous? What?

What's the difference between a Jew and a loaf of bread?
A loaf of bread doesn't scream in the oven.

You realize the germans had a meat shortage during the war, don't you?

vos...That is definitely the worst!

I told you!

Vos: I remember a Richard Scarry story where one did. It said 'Mama!'

I *just* read that story yesterday, while I was babysitting. I love Lowly Worm.

Was it Jewish bread?

I just got this in my e-mail. It's really bad...
A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer. The bartender again tells him "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear, very angry now, says "if you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar." The bartender, once again says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings." The bear goes to the end of the bar, and as promised, and eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer. The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings that are on drugs. "The bear says, "I'm not on drugs." The bartender says, "Yes you are, that was a bardogyouate."

No Sue, I loved it!!!!!

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs that is floating in the ocean?
Bob.

What do you call the same guy lying in front of your door?
Matt.

These are some of my cousin's favorite jokes. He has about 50 of them.

Mariah: What do you call a couple with no arms/legs on the grill? Frank and Patty

What do you call a guy with no arms/legs hanging on the wall? Art---What do you call his arm? A piece of Art

What do you call one legged woman? Eileen

What do you call a man with no arms/legs waterskiing? Skip

Magbast and I love those jokes.. and have even made up a couple ourselves... If you know anymore, I'd love to hear them.

they: I'll have to talk to my cousin. He's crazy about them.

Doctor Doctor My wife is dead, I think?

Why do you think that?

Because the sex is still the same but the washing is piling up.

Maybe I just don't 'get' British humor... is it that? Or are these particular Brits just not funny?

they: erm... have you forgotten the title of this survey? they're not *supposed* to be funny

supplicant: Well done!

To the tune of Eric Clapton's "Tears in Heaven":

"Would you know my name...
If you fell out a window...."

Okay, that's enough. If you don't get it, well you're probably better off.

:( that is bad

I think that ILJ has won for the most tasteless joke. :(

Thank you, thank you. If I wasn't going to Hell before, I am now.

I know another "bad" joke, but it's kind of cute when a little kid tells it to you:

How do you make a witch itch?
Take away the "w"!!!