For those who had their spouse cheat and worked it out. What are things like now?

Thankfully mine never cheated on me that I know of. I've had boy friends that cheated on me but I just cheated back. Might be why I never married any of them. I have a friend who cheated on her husband 11 years ago. He left her for another woman about a year ago then threw it in her face that she had done the same thing to him only he "was man enough" to leave her when he did it. They get back together then split again. You never know from day to day if they are together or not. Personally I don't think I could ever get passed it. I think it depends on how much you love that person and how forgiving a person you are. For me, he'd have to kiss my ass everyday for the rest of my life. I don’t think I’m going to be finding a man who loves me that much!

Welcome to Survey Central gazelda1!

Never happened to me... as far as I'm aware.

DEAR MISS MANNERS -- In a situation where a husband has had an affair, and this has become known to the wife, and the husband and wife have decided together to discontinue the affair and continue with the marriage -- who else may know of the affair, if anyone?

May the wife confide in her closest friends, or is this asking for trouble of the endless "Why do you stay with him?" kind?

It seems very grim to weather such a storm without anyone to confide in --but it also seems risky. And the couple's parents? It seems very hard for the wife to have to continue hearing from her mother-in-law what a prize she has, under these circumstances, but neither does it seem right to reveal such private marital details.

If no one may know except the people directly involved, what do you think is the best way for the wife to explain to her friends why she seems "so weird lately"?

GENTLE READER -- "Stress." That's what everyone else cites as an excuse for strange -- even rude -- behavior, so it doesn't fan much curiosity. "I'll be all right; I don't feel like talking about it right now" is usually enough to quell the probing.

But this is far from solving the problem. There is an urgent need for a sympathetic ear, but Miss Manners has to confirm your realization that this rarely, if ever, comes without a price. Even the closest partisans will weigh in with advice and will show their distaste to the husband long after the couple may have put the episode behind them. Furthermore, they may unburden themselves to confidantes of their own, and the story will soon be all over town.

Ethical professional counselors will not do that, but one can hardly expect them to refrain from giving advice, which is what people go to them to get. Also, they tend to assume that the fault must not be all on one side, putting the faithful partner in the unpleasant position of sharing some blame.

So, yes -- it is harsh not to be able to talk about this but risky to do so.

One confidence you ought to make is to the person who already knows -- your husband. Miss Manners suggests that you confide what it is that you may be driven to reply unless he persuades his mother to stop telling you how lucky you are.

My first husband cheated on me, and I suppose I could have forgiven him, ONCE, but we didn't stay married long enough to find out. Besides his cheating ways, he was physically, mentally abusive. He stole all my money. He has since grown up, been married 42 years to his second wife, is quite wealthy...but still had cheating ways well into his second marriage, but his second wife tolerated it. I wish him happiness, and am proud of him for becoming successful on his own. My present husband has never strayed.

I've never been married or cheated upon.

I have never been married; I've never had the person I was involved with cheat on me either. At least not that I know of.

Never been cheated on.

I'm positive about that.

But, my ex came close.

You'd have to ask my partner on that one.

Depends on what you mean by 'cheat'.

I don't have a spouse. I've been cheated on before and we tried to work it out..........but crap happens. Long story. Bottom line is we're not together now.

Didn't happen to me but it did to my brother-in-law. Ben had a long talk with him and convinced not to leave his wife. I think it was just a crazy moment on her part - nearing 40 or something - mid-life crisis. She admitted it to him but wanted to work it out. They're still together but he was very hurt, I don't know what it did to their relationship; however I'm sure there are issues.

My wife and I had this discussion, I am very loyal, but if I found out that she had cheated ?..... I know our relationship would be doomed to failure (even though I would want to work it out, because I love her) I would be mean and vindictive and throw it back in her face all the time......I just know I would be like that................

My spouse has never cheated.

n/a

I have been with someone who cheated before and I forgive, but don't forget. I am currently lucky enough to have someone that I have been with for a year now and neither of us have cheated, as far as I know. There is no reason to think there is anything wrong.

I had a cheatin' boyfriend and I came to realize he would never change so I dumped him. I can't be with someone I can't trust.

The closest thing to this that I have come is when I was 16 my girlfriend told that she was going to a party, some one was going to be there and she just wanted to let me know that she might get together with him. Ho. I told her to go to hell. So can't help.

People cheat, and No One forgets. 'nuff said.

I had someone cheat on me but I didn't want to work it out after that.

We didn't work it out.

This has never happened to me, in part by the fact that I was never married.

I got past the bad feelings. It is all good now.

so they do go away then

Yes. For me it did. I just had to put things in perspective.

Um, why would I look over my shoulder if my spouse cheated?
I never have had a spouse.
I think they are illegal here. Would it still be cheating?

Well, I am the spouse that cheated and there was a lot of apologizing. I think he has gotten over it, but I myself don't think I will ever be able to forgive me as much as he has forgiven me. From what I can tell he trusts me 100% again and it hasn't even been 1 year yet.
I think that I just happened to find the love of my life that understands that I screwed up big time and still loves me.

**we were engaged when I cheated, not married, but we are married now.

I was THE ONE who got cheated on.. but I found out quite a while AFTER my husband left...(although I had quite a hunch... :( I seriously think I could have been able to look forward and get past the bad feelings IF it would have been a possibility.. I think that in some situations its possible to works things out and see this..as a questioning, growing episode for the relationship(learning from the mistakes and opening up)

Never been married, now or in the past.

Well he wasn't a spouse, it was a boyfriend when I was about 15... I felt heart broken and never got back with him again. I think a relationship needs trust.

You cheat on me, you get a big slap

Things are never the same.
It's possible to get through it.
I don't know if it's ever complete.
You're looking at years of dealing with it.

It's difficult and u don't really get over that 1. The thoughts of the person doing it again always stays with u, no matter what u do..My opinion, if uve got enough faith...things will turn out but i wouldn't go on with the relationship.

I've never been married.

My first husband cheated on me but by then I didn't fully trust him anyway. I was actually glad when he left. I knew them both and we all remained good friends.

Bill was totally faithful.

I have never cheated.