How do you make friends?

How would I know? I've lived in Oregon since I was two weeks old. I was not thinking about making friends at that tender age.

With my mouth.

Very good question. Whatever you do, remember: to have a friend you must be a friend.

I'd suggest getting involved in something you like and enjoy. Chances are, you'll meet others with similar interests. If you like dogs, find the local dog club and go to a meeting. Or cats. Check out events with activities you like or want to learn more about. If you're genuine with your concerns, honest with your attitudes, people will realize you're "real" and be more likely to choose being around you.

It might be slow and lonely to start, but be there for somebody and you will reap the reward of a new found friend.

Since I've moved, I've only made a very small number of new friends. I had a couple of friends here already, and the new ones have mostly been through a job I got. I'm also friendly with my downstairs neighbor, but she's moving in a couple of weeks, so I don't think we're going to become closer friends.

Dirty boy!

Through sarcasm at work usually...

I make them out of snow.

Seriously, I dont deliberately try to make friends. I just know people & gradually know them better the more that I am around them, without worrying if they are a friend or not.

I have no idea!

friends just happen

At work I might suggest going for a beer after work on Friday as we are leaving. At home I might get chatty with my neighbours in the elevator and invite them over for coffee. I would use my hobby as a way to meet people with similar interests. In my case, that would be composing Electronic Music, so I would scope out the local papers for musician ads, looking for someone to collaborate with.

Of course it always helps to be friendly and approachable. Walk with your head held high, smile at people, greet them in passing, look for ways to be helpful.

New colleagues, people you meet in a bar, at a sportsclub, etc.

Get involved in groups that share one or more of my interests (I'm a liberal Christian feminist geek who enjoys science fiction).

A basket full of fresh baked cookies. If that doesn't work, you have a basketfull of fresh baked cookies and all yours.

Well, here is my problem. I am a teacher. I took the first semester of this school year off so that I could get us moved to a new state and get two homes sold and the new one ready to live in (just painting and that kind of thing). So, at the moment, I am not working. Meeting people at work is not an option right now. Since Hurricane Katrina moved up my plans for moving, I am now living in NC with my partner's father and being his caregiver in her absence as she had to go back to finish this semester before she retires from teaching. This is a small town with very little to do. There are no bars (welcome to the Bible Buckle) or consciousness raising groups. Basically all that is here is churches and I don't "do" church.

mix them in a bowl and heat at 350 for 30 minutes

That's if you like them crispy.

Just kidding. I don't deliberately, actively go about making friends. It just happens.

I don't. Don't need them.

I think I would just enjoy being . Why rush into new friend stress, wondering if they are true blue or not. Enjoy having most of the time to yourself. Other than caregiving, it may be a great time to read or catch up on movies you haven't seen yet.

Through the internet, and then through other friends.

I've never lived outside of Oregon. I was born in Oregon and have lived here all my life, so I've never had the experience of moving to another state and making new friends.

> I think I would just enjoy being . Why rush
> into new friend stress, wondering if they
> are true blue or not. Enjoy having most of
> the time to yourself. Other than caregiving,
> it may be a great time to read or catch up
> on movies you haven't seen yet.

Well, I need a break from taking care of an 81 year old man who feels that every moment of silence needs to be filled with "Oh Kat! When you get a minute, I need...", "oh Kat! When you go to the store I want...", "Oh Kat........" I've considered changing my name and not telling him what it is. Today, I once again explained that no one in town carries the shoes he is looking for and reminding him that after his daughter called every store in town, he called them again and that I wasn't calling a 3rd time. So, I went to Wally World and got him what he requested...one pair of tennis shoes, size 11 1/2W and one pair size 11 regular. He wears an AFO on his left foot for a drop foot and has had this for about 6 weeks. His size 11 shoes (on his size 9 1/2 foot) were uncomfortable because his toes were all scrunched up. So we bought size 11 1/2 and then he decided after a week or so that his narrow foot in the AFO in the 11 1/2 shoe was too narrow, but the 11 1/2 on his right foot was too big and he was stumbling over it. So, today it was 2 pair of shoes. Now with the 11 1/2 wide he claimed was still too narrow because when he stood up he could see his little toe pushing against the side of the shoe and thought that he needed a 12 wide shoe. So, I had to point out to him that what he was seeing was not his toe but the side of the orthotic pushing against the side of the shoe. Still according to him, something isn't right with the shoe.....get the idea! I live with cranky all day long. I need something to do and I don't like to shop or even window shop. I need someone to talk to who is not making excuses for him.

I can't watch a movie because he is calling me upstairs to come and do something or ask me something. He watches nothing but news all day long. I tried to read yesterday for about 3 hours and managed to read 3 whole pages in that time.

I need to be with people MY age who are not making demands of me or my time. I need a safe place to vent. I know nothing about this town. I know no one. Neighbors are nice, but they can't take Pop for more than a few minutes and they don't invite me over either.....sooo....here I am.

eww, I see. There is no U time. You still got us.

By introducing myself, getting out and doing stuff, going to the neighborhood bar.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

eight years ago i moved from new jersey to florida. i moved alone(my partner followed a year later). i made a conscious effort to lie low socially for a while. i wanted to get a feel for this new place i had moved. i spent a lot of time getting to know the area and visiting the beach, museums, movies, restaurants etc by myself. after about 3-4 months, i just started talking to people, mostly at work and some at the places i visited. i also started volunteering at a local organization a couple times a month. i have a strong web of friends now.
it was a definite culture shock, moving from NJ and working in manhattan to living here in jacksonville, fl. but people are people everywhere................
you have to know what it is you are looking for in friends........ similar interests etc and then just do those things.

are there any coffee shops/starbucks in your area or book stores, i have always found those to be good places to meet people. people just start talking to me. also i did a lot of research online about the surrounding area and what was available.
are you able to leave at all during the day?? volunteering may be an option that would work if you can leave for an hour or two, once a week.
jacksonville is at the very bottom of the bible belt and we are mostly called south georgia............ church on most every corner! it is an interesting change if you aren't used to it and i wasn't.

I would sign up for activities I like or for activities that I know nothing about, but that sound interesting. These can be yoga classes, photo classes, art classes, outdoor clubs, dance lessons, anything really. It's a great way to meet new people, and you start off a relationship with a common link from which to build upon.

*sigh*

I know the "church on every corner" well. There are no bookstores here unless you count the christian book store. I was even accosted in Wal-Mart and asked where I went to church.

I can leave for a few hours at a time and I generally do. But doing that seems to take a huge chunk of time that I could be spending cleaning up around the house if I wasn't always doing something for someone else.

I'll have to see what I can find around here. There HAS to be something before I lose my mind.

why the boo boo face? you still got us...not the same, is it. When I came to this town I am in, it took me 5 years to make friends, and then that got ugly...more like drinking partners. I still do not have friends in this town, but I have several acquaintences that I spend time with. Instead of focusing on making friends, acquaintences are a little more maintenance free. Less stress, and it's quicker to find people with common things to share or talk about.

I don't envy your situation.

Does Pops really require your attention 24/7? Are his demands the fruit of necessity or is it just him exercising his control over you? These questions need to be considered because it sounds like your cup is about to runeth over. Don't feel that you have to do things when you know they're petty requests. (Having said this, I have no real idea of the burden you're carrying, so take this advice for what it's worth...)

If you are able to take a couple hours a day (or a half-day here and there) for yourself, then do it. Caregivers need to be cared for too.

Meditation, Tai-Chi, and a nice massage would be a good start.

Thanks!

out of play dough

True, Cloud, I still have you guys and trust me...without SC I would go stark raving mad. This is a place where I can be me, where I can vent, and where I can visit with some really wonderful people. Still, there is that nasty little thing that keeps this from being absolutely perfect....that's a real hug when I need it.

My sparkling personality draws people to me .

hypersky, while Pop does require a lot of attention, most of it is just really petty things. Then I have to look at it in terms of what is really going on. He needs a hip replacement, he has a huge scoliosis (I know that is spelled wrong) lump on his lower back where the spine is really twisted and knotted, he has had one knee replaced and needs the other one done, he has a drop foot which requires an orthotic device (hence the two different shoe sizes), and came to us a year and a half ago addicted to Vicodin and alcohol. This old man actually had a doctor where he lived before that was very close to the same age he is giving him Vicodin 500 caplets at a time and Pop was literally eating them like candy - taking 1 every hour or so. The thing was, it took an hour or more for it to kick in (it was the time release kind), and when it didn't kick in when he thought it should, he took another. His reasoning was, about 5 minutes after taking the 2nd one, he felt better. Duh! Yeah, the first one kicked in. Sheesh! Anyway, the point of all of this ranting is, he won't eat because he considers it too much trouble to fix himself a sandwich in such a way that will allow him to remain seated and he can't stand up at the kitchen counter long enough to do it. He won't do frozen dinners because that would require that he figure out a way to carry something hot to the table in a way that won't burn him. So, someone has to be here for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. During the inbetween time, if I walk outside to smoke a cigarette, he follows me outside and talks and comes up with all kinds of things for me to do. While I am taking care of the things that really need to be done for him, he comes up with more. Many of them are valid....like showing him for the 10000000000000000000000th time how to connect to the internet and check e-mail. Today, another was added to the list.....showing him for the 100000000th time how to use his scanner. Next he will want to know for the 100000000th time how to send what he just scanned in an e-mail. He has nothing to do but find things for me to do. Unfortunately, he is a man with lots of testosterone and is embarrassed by his walker and his motorized chair. He doesn't want to have the senior transportation bus come and get him because they will generally not help him onto the damn bus. He doesn't want to appear to be crippled or old. He wants to be he able bodied man he was 25 years ago. He had a procedure done to help his back with the compression fractures of 2 vertebre and the doctor told him to take it easy and not pick up anything more than 5 pounds. 2 days after the surgery he decided that his back felt so good (and his reasoning is that he didn't want to lose that good feeling) that he moved around 2 rocker recliners in his mobile home. See what I mean?

You are right....I will definitely have to take several hours a day to myself or I am going to go nuts. I have got to find a way to gently let him know that I need to get some stuff done and I need to do it without interruption. Ha ha ha ha! I can hear it now...."Oh, Kat! I don't want to interrupt, BUT...."

Thanks for letting me vent, folks!

> I would sign up for activities I like or
> for activities that I know nothing about,
> but that sound interesting. These can be
> yoga classes, photo classes, art classes,
> outdoor clubs, dance lessons, anything really.
> It's a great way to meet new people, and
> you start off a relationship with a common
> link from which to build upon.


You know, you have a very valid idea here.....There is a community college just down the road...i need to go and see what kind of stand alone classes that they have.... I love photography and art and yoga...gotta go see what they have. THANKS!

now I got the booboo face...

> now I got the booboo face...

go here... http://surveycentral.org/survey/22588.html

I have never moved from one state to another. Sorry I can't help you.

Jeezuzz Kryst! (pardon my vietnamese) Again, not being part of the decor, it pains me to read all of this.

My advice (not that it was asked for...) is to have a talk with Pop, and let him know where your boundaries are. He might dog and moan for a while, but once he knows where you stand, he'll respect you for it. Otherwise, he's liable to just keep on invading your generosity until you don't have anything left to give. Once you pass a certain threshold, you start to feel taken advantage of, then you start to feel resentment; after that, the real nasty crap starts to happen. Trust me, for your sanity and for Pop's sake, let him know how you feel. He can figure out how the scanner works, trust me.

GO GIRL!!!!!

No he can't. Tonight I went upstairs (I live in a finished basement - it's nice down here) to take out trash and I hear "Oh, Kat, I'm stuck". He couldn't figure out how to do his e-mail again! His mind is really going. It's really odd stuff. I can only hope that his daughter/my partner will understand that I am going to disappear for a few days when she finally gets back here in December!

THANK YOU! That was sweet and made me smile!

after some research, i was surprised what i found here...... it does take some time to scout out places to go. it is actually scary at times. i think you will find some friends......... don't lose your mind!!!!!

I hope that the strain won't be too much on you and your partner.

You guys are what is keeping me sane.

We hope the same thing. There was a time when she thought that we would get moved to NC and I would then leave because I couldn't handle the stress of life with Pop. I don't think that I would leave her for that reason. I don't look at Pop as having much of anything to do with our relationship. As long as she is open to allowing me to vent to her when I need to without taking it personally, I'll be fine. The problems that I am having now are strictly mine in terms of my needs to remain sane and that is having something to do other than Pop-sit.

Seems like you have very good insight. It's a good thing to be able to put your emotions into words, and you are very eloquent in explaining how your situation is affecting you. I'm sure that, given enough space to vent and share, your relationship will come out of this stronger. Even the best relationships bear some battle scars. Good luck to you and your partner, and Pop.

I haven't lived anywhere but my home state. I'm not certain how I would handle being uprooted and moving away from my family, friends, co-workers, job, etc.

> Seems like you have very good insight. It's
> a good thing to be able to put your emotions
> into words, and you are very eloquent in
> explaining how your situation is affecting
> you. I'm sure that, given enough space to
> vent and share, your relationship will come
> out of this stronger. Even the best relationships
> bear some battle scars. Good luck to you
> and your partner, and Pop.

Thanks, Hypersky.

Maybe a party would help!!
Or you can give them money to stay around you.

Start at the workplace, then find people or groups with common interests. Find a place you like and begin going there regularly. After a while, even if you haven't approached anyone, someone will likely approach you.

Saying hi to the neighbours. Enrolling in activities and classes.

Join a club or other group.

NO ONE at all? Then why did you move? Just kidding, I can understand I moved 8000 miles to a different country.

Normally, work or college are good places to start to hook up with people, if you moved because of work, normally people at this "new" workplace help out etc

Join the local Gun Club.

I DID just move to another state, about 18 months ago. I was hoping to at least find out who my neighbors were when I dropped Christmas cards in mailboxes last year... but only got one bloody phone call. They'll wave when they drive by, but otherwise can't be bothered. When I take my daughter to the playground, I'll try to strike up a conversation with other moms, but it's a pretty closed community here to begin with.

>This is a small town with very
> little to do. There are no bars (welcome to the
> Bible Buckle) or consciousness raising groups.
> Basically all that is here is churches and I don't
> "do" church.

I know that feeling all too well!! The town where I live is Mormon Central.

Don't you hate that?

Very much so... the streets here roll up and die @ 5 p.m. and they don't unroll at all on Sundays or Mondays! I grew up in a medium-sized community where there are shopping malls, almost every restaurant chain, etc. This tiny burg has the standard stuff and not much else. To expound a little, the most newsworthy thing that's happened here in a decade is the expansion of the tiny WalMart to a Superstore.

Damn! Sounds like you are living in my neck of the woods. This area of NC is hopeless. There are no bars. The liquor stores are few and far between. The town dies at 5 pm, Saturday is slow to rise and Sunday even the cats don't go anywhere.

That is tough... you have it a little worse than I do because this is also a railroad town... there are three bars, all across the street from the depot. And one liquor store for the whole county. I have yet to be in any of the bars because I have a young child at home. I do have to say that the architecture is interesting... most of this town was built in the very early 1900s. Some of the buildings were "updated" in the 50s. I think those buildings should be redone to match the earlier look, because this town could be pretty if they would just put their minds to doing it. But no, boredom reigns supreme!!

Holeeeee Sheeeeeyut! I just went back and read all that stuff about Pops, and damn! That first block, I was thinking that it was hard to tell whether you were sitting an old man or a two-year-old. As I read on, I realized how lucky I am to have the two-year-old.
One of the local businesses offer sewing classes that I would love to take, but money is short right now. I'm just very thankful we are actually having an Indian summer up here this year... I can still go outside without freezing. But that will very soon be at an end. Spring doesn't show itself up here until late April, so I have a long, dreary winter ahead of me. I feel like you do, that this site is such a godsend. I may be an outsider (I'm used to that by now!) but I have met some nice people to chat with.

I know exactly what you mean. I'm gay and finding other gay people in this town is difficult. I know that they are here, but they are so far into the closet that you can't see them. My partner and I sometimes need a safe place to be ourselves other than at home. Does that make sense?

I agree! This place is wonderful! Survey Central has been my life line. I think I would have gone crazy without this place.

Pop is an odd duck. I certainly have my work cut out for me. Luckily his daughter will be here for Thanksgiving and it will give me a break for a few days. Then she retired at Christmas time and will be here permanently with us. Yippppeeee!

Makes tons of sense! It does sound like that old man is trying his best to manipulate you... more than once I have heard parallels between the elderly and toddlers in that they will push boundaries and take advantage until you tell them no. Your near-helplessness reminds me of me... be careful of depression. When you fight to get out of bed in the mornings, lose your appetite, and the world seems totally hopeless, it's time to get the hell out of Dodge. Why isn't Pops in an assisted-care facility? Or at the very least, a nurse that comes by a couple times a week to help.

Because the idiot insists on driving and while he holds a valid drivers license (and he has had no accidents, YET) he tells them that he is not home bound and therefore not elligible for home health care. Nothing I can do about it especially since he is not my father.

There are so many things that run through my mind when I review everything... but ultimately, it comes down to how far are you going to be pushed before you break? I hope you are able to find some way of dealing with Pops before you go insane. I'll just offer you an e-hug and banter with you when you need it. Good luck!!!

Thanks! I really appreciate that. I have been doing my best to get away from him for a little while each day. Right now that means going downstairs (to the basement) and spending hours unpacking boxes.

> NO ONE at all? Then why did you move? Just
> kidding, I can understand I moved 8000 miles
> to a different country.
>
> Normally, work or college are good places
> to start to hook up with people, if you moved
> because of work, normally people at this
> "new" workplace help out etc

Damn! I just read this....David, where were you before you moved? Why did you move?

We moved because my partner is retiring in December. I wasn't supposed to be here permanently until the end of November. When Hurricane Katrina hit, I had come here to bring another load of stuff to our new home. I got here 3 days before the storm hit. My partner and her father arrived 4 days after the storm. For whatever reason, he decided that he wasn't going back to Louisiana. Since I took time off from teaching to get us moved here and his daughter/my partner had to go back to work, I had no choice but to stay since he couldn't take care of himself anymore.

> Join the local Gun Club.

If they knew about the number of guns that I had had in my truck last week (there were probably 20 handguns and 4 rifles), I could easily have been charged with transporting firearms across state lines. They might have thought that I was going to go postal on someone.....hmmmm, maybe on Pop....hmmmm, now there is a good reason for a gun club...

Just kidding, folks!

Oh, what fun. I've lived in this house for just over a year and we still don't have some stuff unpacked... mostly wall-hang stuff, since there is so little drywall in this house.

Hey, do you shoot? Or do all those firearms belong to Pops? So why did you choose to move where you did, from where you did? I read the retirement thing, but why not retire where you were?

I fell over boxes this morning in my stupor. Have huge bruise on my thigh and shin as a result. I hate the unpacking process. I don't know where to put anything. If I make an executive decision and put something somewhere, my partner will end up moving it because she wants it somewhere else. I end up in a state of paralysis because I don't want to feel like all my hard work meant nothing. My attitude has been that she isn't here to deal with this mess, so if she wants it moved, then she can do it all by herself because I only unpack once.

I know what you meant about not having enough drywall for pictures. All of the walls in the main living area (called the upstairs) are plaster. Hanging things without busting the plaster is going to be a neat trick. Most of the walls in the basement (AKA downstairs) are cinder block. This is going to be fun!

Yep they all belong to Pops. For whatever reason, he used to collect guns. He has many (I think they are Bob Cats) that are no longer manufactured, so I'm sure they are worth money, especially since he still has the original boxes that these things come in.

As for moving to NC from LA, well, my partner (Jean) and I have always wanted to get out of Louisiana. We were thinking of going to New Mexico. Since her father moved from northern CA to our front yard, things have changed and we needed to get him out of the heat and humidity. We told him to find us a place. Well, Jean's sister insisted on some town in NC and she did so enough that Jean's dad sent us out here to check it out. We hated the town that her sister suggested but found this one. It is close to the mountains, close to several big cities, and the state seems to have many things to offer. So, we found the perfect house for all of us and here we are.

You need a loooong vacation!

I think once Jean gets here permanently, I will take a weekend and spend it somewhere all by myself! Then I won't have to hear, "Oh, Kat...!"

If Jean gets there early in Christmas vacation, maybe you should take the 26th through the 1st off... you are going to need more than a weekend by the time she gets there!

True. She will be here on December 23rd, but my son will be here also. He won't be leaving until New Year's Day. So, when that is out of the way, I'm outta here!

Yikes... all this and then a full house for the holidays... I'd probably be stocking up on the Valerian Root!

Have Valerian. Also have Peace and Calming (Aroma Therapy).

Just can't seem to find one that says "You're Happy Ass", but I'm looking!

Lots of dark chocolate... has compounds in it that help you feel good and relax. If I find some Happy Ass, I'll let you know.

Thanks - Need all the help I can get!

> |> Join the local Gun Club.
>
> If they knew about the number of guns that I had had in my truck last
> week (there were probably 20 handguns and 4 rifles), I could easily
> have been charged with transporting firearms across state lines. They
> might have thought that I was going to go postal on someone.....hmmmm,
> maybe on Pop....hmmmm, now there is a good reason for a gun club...
>
>
> Just kidding, folks!
>
>

I was going to tell you how jealous I would be if all those guns were yours but then I read they are your partners dad's.

I was born and educated in the UK, I was having a rough time with my son's mother, and this oppurtunity presented itself , My aunt and uncle were opening a business and needed a Manager ...anyway both my parents are Jamaican so I just applied for a passport and moved over here within a month and started fresh

I try not to. I am about to move and it is very hard for me to cut ties.

He really does have some rare and nifty guns...just can't imagine why he thought that he needed all of them....but then again, people could say the same thing about me with all my cameras and filters.

Wow! David! What a wonderful opportunity.

It all depends.

Join a group, find something that you have in common, that gives you a good starting base for making friends.

Hehehe... with gays? You make enemies first. The enemy of your enemy is your friend. *wink* JUST KIDDING! (kinda)

Well... THAT or you have sex with strangers. Heheehehe... KIDDING AGAIN! (kinda)

They seem to latch onto me like leaches at church, work and school. The question is how to keep them at bay.

i dont. i wait for friends to come to me. i am cool enough that i attract people. then i weed out the stupid and lame ones and stick with the rest. it only takes me 5 years...

Join groups that interest me, find a new church and meet people there, get to know my neighbors. By being genuinely interested in other people (learn their birthdays, kids names...), smile, look people in the eye and call people by their first names. Volunteer my time in an organization that I'm truly interested in.

I actually have a formula. It works better than it should. 1. Simple compliment, opens up the conversation 2. Ask simple question related to said compliment. 3. Allow person to talk endlessly about themselves. Ask more questions, let them talk more about themselves. People love to talk about themselves. 4. Now start adding comments about yourself. If the person has suddenly lost interest they are a narcissist and don't want to be your friend for real. 5. Otherwise conversation should be on an even keel, bewb for tat. 6. Finish by suggesting possible future meetings or plans.

For example, 'Gosh, you've got beautiful hair. Have you always worn it long?' For a beginning.
'Yeah, I go to the same place. Maybe I'll see you there sometime.'

Nice avatar, where did you get it?

When I buy records over the internet the company usually sends fliers & stickers & postcard type things advertising their store or a band. This is from a postcard type ad I got. You can't see, but it says 'Killed By The Bull'. Its a band. I've never heard of them.