Too soon to date??? Feeling guity???

Maybe you could try discussing this with him?

I'd suggest you ask him that, not us. Do you have a problem with giving him some space if he needs some? Do you think that it was too soon for him to begin dating again? The best thing to do if you're having problems in a relationship is to talk about them with the person you're with.

I think you need to give him time and room to mourn. He shouldn't rush into a relationship so soon. Be his friend for a while.

*shrugs*

Yeah, it was too soon. You're screwed, dump him.

I think that was to soon. Maybe you should talk about it with him and maybe back off the relationship for a short while.

This behavior sounds more like a 'guy' thing than like a mourning thing. (Note: 'Guy', not 'Man' being the operative word here.)

wow

not sure for i don't know the man in question

I think there is more to it than that. There has to be.

Well, there is more to it. He just returned from a trip to see his inlaws and they are treating him weirdly now but haven't said anything. Also, his kids really like me a lot and I don't think the inlaws handled that well...which I can totally understand!

That's not for me to decide.
How was his previous marriage? Was the love gone?

How much does it bother you when he does this?

The love was not gone from the marriage.
It bothers me because I can't understand why someone would say how much they love you then pull back. It seems like we go through this every 2 months, but this seems worse this time. If it's just guys being guys, then ok, I'll deal. But if it's something more and he's not saying, then I let my mind wander and it turns bad.

No, that's pretty normal male behavior. It has nothing to do with his wife's death. Guys without dead wives act like that too. He just needs a certain amount of personal space, solitude. This is exactly why they have things like: A den, a workshop, Elk's Club, League Bowling, Boy's night out, the Senate, Sports Bars, Space exploration, Wars, hunting & fishing...

We seem to be in agreement on this.

I think all that needs to happen is rather than you speculating what's going on talk to him about it. If you are afraid he won't open up, get him drunk first. But I would wonder about a relationship where the two people could not talk to each other about absolutely anything.

We talk all of the time are are very honest. I think the problem is the inconsistancy of actions versus words. That's what has me confused. Thanks for listening everyone...had to vent.

So you're saying he's a dreamer. That or he doesn't keep his word. I dunno. I know that if I say one thing to Jodi and do another, I'm in Trouble with a capital T. Only because she doesn't really care what I do, but she doesn't want to be lied to about it. Not that it happens, because she is the love of my life, the girl of my dreams and communication is one of our strongest suits. As long as we keep each other on the same page there are no sruprises - and no surprises is a good thing. Just make sure he understands your frustration with this, so the two of you can deal with it together.

You should see if she'd be interested in participating here! Jodi that is. Could be fun!

I would, but we don't have internet at home. She just moved here and starts a new job on Monday so maybe after she gets comfortable there she'll be able to do some surfin'

Ahh, I see.

Everyone has a different amount of time that they need to mourn. I do think it sounds like he's definitely interested in you, whether or not he's ready that is a different issue. I'd talk to him about it.

He's probably very lonely.
My grandma died May 12th and she was married to my grandpa for 60 years. He's starting to see a woman who lives across the street. As long as he's happy, I'm fine with it.

Ask him why he acts like this. If you're in a relationship with him, you should be able to talk to him about things like that.

Honestly I would think so. What is probably going on in his head when he pushes you away is feeling guilty.

Nicely put, Zang!:
"A den, a workshop, Elk's Club, League Bowling, Boy's night out, the Senate, Sports Bars, Space exploration, Wars, hunting & fishing..."

I couldn't care less.

Give him some time and space - but don't hold out and put your heart on the line.



Some people, like me, need a bit of quiet time - with or without grief.

I've read "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus" AND "Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys"!

I donno, dont ask me, I am only 22.



I made (more than) my share of mistakes allready, but I still dont have enough to tell ya. But just to be on the safe side, dont be opening up any joint checking accounts anything soon.

Alot of men can't stand to be alone. My brother lost his wife this way and was married again within 4 months. Unfortunately, he didn't take long enough to get to "know" the girl. He was just fighting so hard to fill his own void. My advice to you is if you are already seeing this red-flag come up - it is your responsibility to slow things down. Because he can't see it. He is trying to heal his pain, and he may genuinely care about you very much. But to give you guys a REAL chance - take the time to let him get to know you. Don't get caught up in the moment and don't let him move things faster than he should because he's in some major pain. Help him pace things at a rate that is right for both of you. My brother - who lost his wife - messed up and got married too early in two relationships after her death because he moved too fast. And if there are any children involved - I caution you EVEN more - because there are more than two people that can get hurt from this. Please be careful and take care of yourself. I know how easily it can be to want to help a hurting soul, but if you don't take care of you - you can't take care of him either - so pace it slow - be friends first. Take care of you. Treat him with great care, and if it's meant to be, it will last. Consider counseling together since you've been together as long as you have and you're still holding on. It may be just what you need....but don't push him. If he doesn't want to go...don't push...what you've signed up for is going to take a while unfortunately. If you need to talk - let me know. My brother and I are very close, as were me and my sister-in-law when she died. It's been very difficult to watch what my brother has gone through for the last 13 years but I would do anything for him to see him happy.
Just know that if you have ever put a smile on your guys face in the past few months - you are doing something that very few others can right now and a whole lot of other people are so grateful for you right now.

I haven't read either of those books, but I have received a lot of advice from people who have read "Mars/Venus"...and Barry's column is a hoot!

Thank you! I'm in the toughest situation and I just don't know how to handle it. We care so much for each other, but he just is so worried that he'll never be what I want him to be. He was married for 15 years and has 2 kids, 12 and 7. I was married, but divorced and no kids. I want to get married again and he just doesn't know if he will ever want to marry again. I do believe him when he says he loves me, but I wonder if I'm just a stepping stone during his healing phase. When he's feeling good, we have a great time. When he's feeling depressed, he shuts me out. His kids really like me and we have so much fun and that worries him too. I'm in counciling and he's not. Sometimes I think we should end it, but we have such a great connection. UGH!

Close enough...

He is still riding the roller coaster of grief. His wife may have wanted him to find another person to fall in love with, but he may still feel guilty about it. There were probably sacrifices made by him and he feels torn about taking care of his wants rather than the needs of others....

He is going through a time where he wants the companionship but he is also experiencing a little guilt at "going on with life". I was a widow at 24 and made some serious relationship mistakes by jumping back into the dating scene too soon. Just have patience if you care for him.

Like I said in my other post.............I"VE BEEN THRU THIS. It's not a guy or a girl thing. It is a part of healing. It is a part of hurting when you have been exposed to the death of a spouse. The interaction with the in-laws probably just made the hurt a little more "topical" (no, not tropical as in Hawaii). Just have some patience with this man. Don't take it personal. Maybe talk to a pastor or a counselor who has a lot of experience in dealing with loss of loved ones.

This may be a very difficult thing for you to hear right now - but ItsMeChaos is right. It's a part of healing. If you really care - Be strong for him and let him lean on you - but DO NOT bring up the M word!! Not now. It's too soon. Take your relationship for what it IS - a WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL thing!!!!! And you will be together forever if you are supposed to be.
I don't know what the circumstances around his wife's death were, but very often times, if it was a chronic illness, a person - a husband has learned to live in the day-to-day things. In other words, in just getting her through the present. He didn't have time to think to far ahead, and to do that now, is an adjustment that he probably hasn't had to do in a long time. It's hard.
Ask him to talk to her about you. Sometimes, by talking it out...with her he may get some resolution on the matter - in his mind or come to peace with it. My brother continued to talk out loud to his wife for a while and write to her and I think this was very therapeutic for him. He knew exactly how she would have felt about everything that he did because she was a part of him and he could not take that away. This is something that is not going to go away - but he can get to a place of resolution in his mind that she is there and you are there too. And that he can still have love in his heart from both places. There is hope. But whatever you do - don't push. Let him find his way through this and be there with him. Sometimes he will need you more that he loves you and sometimes he will love you more than he needs you....eventually it will even out. Just be patient. God bless you for loving this guy!

That's for him to decide. You need to decide whether the relationship is right for you.

Ask him. If you're going to invest your future with this guy, you don't want to be wondering about how he is feeling. If you are just a rebound relationship, or some solice, you should know now.

I dunno.

For many people 2 months would have been too soon, but there's no generalising. And there's no saying that just because he didn't mourn long enough things can't go well for the two of you once he has. Perhaps you need to have patience if you think this man is worth it?

I would see the mourning and his behavior as too different things. He may have never liked his wife, so it didn't take too long to mourn. His hot and cold behavior just sounds annoying, for whatever reason.