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essay12-Jun-2004opiniondanielle001 unsorted44848.7%

  Wanted: your opinion of this fiction story

"Hurry along darling. We'll be late." Josie's mother called to her from the living room.

"Coming Mummy," she called back. But so far she was wearing nothing but a pale pink garter belt and sheer tan nylons. Quickly she pulled on pair of bikini panties and tucked the tiny offending portion of her body down tightly between her legs. She picked up a lightly padded teen bra in pink nylon and lace and slipped her arms through the straps and leaned forward slightly to allow her budding breasts to settle into the cups. She stepped quickly into a pale pink nylon and lace half slip and put her feet into the white high heeled courts as she reached for the white cotton dress in the wardrobe. This on and the self belt tied she checked her make-up and hair, already done and picked up the white kid handbag from her dressing table. Into it she placed mascara, blusher, foundation compressed powder and lipstick, closed the clasp and left the room to join her mother.

"Do I look OK," she asked, smiling?

"Of course, darling. You always do," Sally said and picked up her own handbag. Together they left the house and walked to the car and set off down the long driveway to the entrance gate for the eight kilometer drive into town.

"What do you think he'll say Mummy," Josie asked?

"What can he say? There's no turning back now.

"No I know. I guess I'm just a bit anxious."

"I checked around Josie, as I said. I'm sure he'll be sympathetic."

In town, Sally parked outside a block of commercial units, leased by medical practitioners in one speciality or another. She and Josie got out of the car, entered the building and took the elevator to the fifth floor. A pretty young receptionist greeted them.

"We have an appointment with Dr. Kane," Sally announced. "Sally and Josie Manners."

"Yes Mrs. Manners. He'll be right with you. wonts you take a seat?"

Ten minutes later Sally and Josie were seated in the plush office. David Kane was mid-thirties, slightly jowly, slightly balding but an attractive man with an agreeable smile.

"How can I help you ladies," he asked?

"I understand you're sympathetic towards transsexuals doctor," Sally began?

"I'd like to think I'm sympathetic to all my patients Mrs. Manners," David Kane smiled, "but yes there have been three or four on my books." He looked back and forth. "Whom did you have in mind?"

Sally nodded towards Josie. "Josie," she said.

Kane's smiled widened. "You want to be a boy?

Josie blushed. "Doctor despite her appearances Josie is a boy. At least the last remnants of a boy. We want those last remnants removed.

Kane looked at Josie. "Sorry," he said still smiling. "I was only joking. , I can understand your need Miss Manners. I have to admit there's no apparent sign of boy in you." He pulled a large writing pad across in front of him. "Can I get some information please." He picked up a pen. "How long have you felt this need.... may I call you Josie?"

"Yes.All my life I think. I don't remember a time when I was happy being a boy."

"And how old are you now?"

"Fifteen."

Kane looked at Sally. "You realize that in normal circumstances sex reassignment surgery can't be carried out until the applicant is eighteen years of age?"

"Yes.I don't think these are normal circumstances."

"Maybe not. Josie you have to live full time as a woman for at least twelve months in order to qualify - to prove the circumstances."

Josie looked at her mother and then back to David Kane. "I've been living as a girl full time since I was eleven Dr. Kane."

"You go to school?"

"Yes I go to St. Margaret's Girl Grammar School.

"I've been there four years."

"And - please forgive me - no one knows?"

Josie shook her head. "No."

"I see. Yes, well these might be exceptional circumstances Mrs. Manners. Josie I don't want to embarrass you but I have to examine you. There's no need to go behind the screen with just your mother here with us. Would you take off you dress please?"

Josie looked apprehensively at her mother who nodded. She stood up and took off the dress and laid it back over the chair. Kane completed writing some notes and looked up. "And the bra and your half slip please." He stood up and came around the desk. Josie removed the two garments. Kane placed his hands beneath Josie's breasts and felt their weight and squeezed around behind the nipples. "How long have you been on hormones," he asked?

"A little over a year." In spite of herself her nipples stiffened at his touch.

"Any side effects?"

"No."

"Lucky girl. Lot's do have. I think it's probably because you are young and fit. I'm sorry about this but would you take your panties down a little please."

Josie closed her eyes and hooked her thumbs into the panties and pushed them down to mid thigh. Kane examined her and probed and prodded. Then he stood up and smiled again.

"OK m'love. You can get dressed again. Once again I'm sorry about that. I know it's embarrassing but it must be done."

Josie dressed. Kane addressed them both.

"I must admit Josie you're a perfect candidate. The hormones have retarded puberty for a time. You have a feminine speaking voice, no Adam's Apple and no body hair to speak of. Your breasts are developing well The operation will be less extensive than in a more fully developed person. Mrs. Manners IÕm sure I can get the authorities to approve the operation and in my opinion we should do it inside six months. I guess that would suit."

Sally looked at Josie and smiled. Josie positively beamed.

"Yes that would be most suitable Dr. Kane and thank you for your kindness."

"My pleasure." He stood up. "I'll be in touch." ...

UserComment
pandora
(reply to danielle001) posted 13-Jun-2004 12:55am  

Did you write this yourself?
darkshadowsseeker
posted 13-Jun-2004 4:07am  

It's okay.
mandy
posted 13-Jun-2004 4:26am  

uh.....ok
Biggles
posted 13-Jun-2004 8:12am  

It sort of well written but there's nothing to it. It doesn't have a beginning, middle and end. It certainly lacks a decent ending and I'm not sure it really has a beginning either. I get the impression you're trying to shock (you're not) or put a twist in the tale (you don't) or say something new (you aren't). Basically, I was bored reading it.
Dino
posted 13-Jun-2004 8:19am  

Well, it kept me interested for the whole length.
iamdonte
posted 13-Jun-2004 8:43am  

As a teacher, I think this is an excellent beginning to what could be a very good story. There are so many directions that this story could go. For instance, Josie attends an all girls' school - perhaps the rest would center around that and the other students finding out. Perhaps that would explain why it is imperative that Josie have this surgery before the age of 18. What big event could be coming up at the girls' school to create such a rush? Another idea, a twist perhaps, could be a later regret for having had the surgery or a botched surgery that does not give the desired results.

Regardless of where you go from here, I think this is an excellent beginning.
CarolL Bronze Star Survey Creator
posted 13-Jun-2004 8:51am  

I agree with Dino -- I was interested. Remember any good story is worked and reworked many many times before it's ready for submission. As iamdonte says, this could take just about any direction -- I'd like to read a draft or two if you're willing to share.
kaleb777
posted 13-Jun-2004 10:38am  

I hate fiction.
Zang Survey Central Subscriber
posted 13-Jun-2004 10:24pm  

Fine and dandy if you want to write your little fantasies in your private journal, nothing wrong with that. I'm not sure why you would think that anyone else would want to read them. I got about half way through it and lost interest...
bombill
posted 14-Jun-2004 5:27am  

As a story, it's not very compelling, just a trip to the doctor. The language isn't terribly sophisticated, in fact it occasionally reads semi-pornographic. I hated seeing the question marks stuck at the end of sentences.
So I'm guessing the question is more about what I think of a 15 year old boy getting a sex change. I'm not for it. I'd be very concerned about his mother, who must have placed him in a girl's school, which just seems creepy.
The story has such polite characters that it seems to want me to believe that there's something almost normal going on, nothing really strange at all. Maybe that heightened the creepiness for me.
Iseult Silver Star Survey Creator
posted 14-Jun-2004 9:40am  

I understand that some stories don't have a resolution (mine usually don't - or it is very weak), but you have to have a way to wrap everything. This is very... open ended, it would stand well as an exerpt from a book.
There is too many grammar and punctuation mistakes. Please have someone else review - preferably someone who knows where to places commas and who understands the difference between possessive (or Genitive case) and plural.
I'm fine with characters. Dialogue appears natural enough.
judgescratch
posted 14-Jun-2004 10:16am  

Too long, I dunno...but, 'offending portion????'
leahdoll
posted 14-Jun-2004 1:14pm  

If your asking for opinion, it seems good to me....not something I'd normally read, but for this survey it was fine.
danielle001
posted 17-Jun-2004 12:22am  

This story is actually only the intro to a much longer story.
danielle001
(reply to iamdonte) posted 17-Jun-2004 12:25am  

> As a teacher, I think this is an excellent beginning to what could
> be a very good story. There are so many directions that this story
> could go. For instance, Josie attends an all girls' school - perhaps
> the rest would center around that and the other students finding out.
> Perhaps that would explain why it is imperative that Josie have this
> surgery before the age of 18. What big event could be coming up at
> the girls' school to create such a rush? Another idea, a twist perhaps,
> could be a later regret for having had the surgery or a botched surgery
> that does not give the desired results.
>
> Regardless of where you go from here, I think this is an excellent
> beginning.
Great review and advice, thank you
iamdonte
(reply to danielle001) posted 17-Jun-2004 8:20am  

Welcome! *smile*
shifra
posted 19-Jun-2004 3:57pm  

Cute story. Many people dreamed of such a thing when they were little. I for one....
danielle001
(reply to shifra) posted 27-Jun-2004 1:18am  

> Cute story. Many people dreamed of such a thing when they were little.
> I for one....
sounds like you have a story to tell......


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