You have just been asked to write a new, 200 words-or-less "Introduction" to the best-selling book of all time - The Bible. What do you write?

From the best-selling author of all times... God.

Sit down, relax, and get comfortable. This is a book that you may never put down again. You may disagree with some of this book. You may start to believe something different. Be open and listen. You might hear something within yourself.

So many interesting pages to read,so little time.

**I really need to get this one on "Books on Tape"**

This is about the father, everyone's father. Father's care for their sons more than anything imagined.

The times might be rough, the battle unfair. But in the end, our father will win. Worry not, for he will win.

All the answers to life are in here. If it is not answered in here, then it is not to be known.

Come now, and indulge in the father, son and holyghost. The bible.

THIS BOOK NOT SUITABLE FOR:
Justifying cruelty to animals
Justifying homophobia
Justifying sexism
Justifying racism
Justifying the murder of abortion doctors
Justifying male supremacy or
Justifying any other oppressive practice

If book is used for any of these purposes, the reader is advised to refer to the numerous passages in which Jesus portrays messages of peace, love and tolerance.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about this right now...

Feeling down. Feeling like crap. The whole world is against you, all voices of reason are against you. The jerks, the pagans, the feminists who are out there to get you instead of duing their god given duty, the athiests and agnostics, they're all out there to get you. If you feel down and feel the pain of this godless world overrun by godless commies, if you feel vulrnable, THIS BOOK IF FOR YOU.

And God Spoke and He Said...Please read my Book...it's not just a Good Book, it's a Great Book!

This may take candy floss machines off your mind for the five minutes.
Ed.

When you are really feeling down,,,like you have no friends and the whole world is against you...read this book. There's a reason why it's been on the best seller list for years!
To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose under Heaven.

WARNING! If you are naive or gullible, do NOT read this book!

Your introduction is similar in concept to mine, but I do not share your bigotry against "jerks" and your opinion that "feminists should do their God given duty". Judge ye not, lest ye be judged.

Please allow me to introduce myself
I'm a man of wealth and taste
I've been around for a long, long year
Stole many a man's soul and faith

And I was 'round when Jesus Christ
Had his moment of doubt and pain
Made damn sure that Pilate
Washed his hands and sealed his fate

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name
But what's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game

I stuck around St. Petersberg
When I saw it was a time for a change
Killed the Czar and his ministers
Anastasia screamed in vain

I rode a tank
Held a general's rank
When the Blitzkrieg raged
And the bodies stank

Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name, oh yeah
What's puzzling you
Is the nature of my game, oh yeah

I watched with glee
While your kings and queens
Fought for ten decades
For the Gods they made

I shouted out
"Who killed the Kennedys?"
When after all
It was you and me

Probably-my bad!

This is the number one best seller of all time. The story of some people who changed the very face of the planet. Probably some of the most famous people who ever lived. Many of the stories you are probably already familiar with. Many more, you may be reading for the first time. Some parts you may want to skip over, that's okay. Let's start with the beginning:

- Forward -
As you read, please note that the print appears in black-on-white. No statements are intended made by this universal coloring scheme...

Black should never be considered to be "on top" of white, nor should it be considered right, visa versa.
Everything in this book is neither pure black nor pure white - in this world (as in this book), there exist many "greys".
Just because it's in black-and-white, don't take it all literally, or even believe everything herein.

The ink is black. The page is white.
Simple as that.

Everything you wanted to know about God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, but were afraid to ask is now in this one easy to handle complete unexpurgated edition of the Greatest Book ever written. The only book that can truly say it's been on the best seller list more than any other book in history! Try it today...The Holy Bible. You'll be glad you did!

*sings*

The ink is black, the page is white
Together we learn to read and write, to read and write

*teacher hammers some chords out of battered old piano*

A child is black, a child is white
Together we learn to read and write, to read and write

*struggles to remember any more words*

*fails*

Doesn't Hare Krishnaism (I think I may have inveneted that word ) draw quite a bit on Christianity and the Bible? I got a (HK) pamphlet that argued against eating meat by drawing on text from the Bible.

DIRECTIONS:

Take this book with a grain of salt. Never forget that it is written by man for man. Because of his infinite wisdom, interpretations will abound. Read it for yourself and make your own conclusion.

You forgot "ignorant"...

In case you couldn't tell, I was being sarcastic.

I was pretending that I was making a commecial for the Bible, while appealing to these sorts of bigots.

"Tired of those libral godless ...."
"Tired of those ...."
"Then this book is for you. Buy it now, only $19.95, but wait, call w/ in 15 minutes and you also receive this free gaydar, blah blah blah"

"To order, Send checks or money orders to PO Box 78999311, and receive your Bible today."

I wouldn't want to offend anybody

..but it would contain the sentence 'Christian Mythology' somewhere in the text.

The board is black, the chalk is white......

That's another one! Tell me more...

Sorry, it was kind of late when I posted that, so I couldn't tell you were just being facetious. Someone (I forget whom) even told me you were.

¯ It's a beautifuuuul siiiiiii- iiiiii - iiiiight!

Doesn't Hare Krishnaism (I think I may have inveneted that word ) draw quite a bit on Christianity and the Bible?

No It's the other way around.

I got a (HK) pamphlet that argued against eating meat by drawing on text from the Bible.

That's because alot of peple read The Bible.

Hare Krishna!
http://richardwyndham.tripod.com/

Remember gentle reader, this is just one side of the story.
~Lucifer~

No, I'm lost now. I think there may only have been the three. The child one was the punchline I think.
PS. I got you logged on on MSN Messager. I got your e-mail too. Thanks. (not that I'm ever on it in the evening these days but there you go I'm there now)

This is probably worth reading, but it's very long and hard to understand.

Eve and I would like to dedicate this book to my father.

Regards,
Adam

This book is retarded, but more so are the people who read it and misinterpret it, causing pain and suffering to others...like the ones who think it's right to displace millions of people because this stupid book talks of a time when certain land belonged to certain people.

!!! Too funny.

Hey, you're back! Haven't seen you for *ages* How was that trip you took?

My trip was AMAZING! can't believe you still remember. It was truly a life changing experience. I wish i could begin to explain to you how great it was.

And, did you do all that Bible reading you wanted so badly to catch up on? (haha)

Hey, I passed my exam!

Congratulations!!!!!!!!! How are you celebrating?

Well, I don't actually remember where you *went* Was it somewhere in Africa? I remember you discussing it with Brian in advance of going. I'm glad you had a great time. I'd love to do something like that. Maybe after university

Well, I just got back from a short vacation. Mostly I'm just celebrating by taking a little time off. Today I'm doing some gardening--my garden has been a bit neglected.

It's the best way to celebrate. I've spent my last three summers waiting for important exam results. I've learned that the time between finishing school and getting the results is not the nice relaxing holiday I'd like. It's always there at the back of my mind, and this year more than before. This year, my grades determine where I'm spending the next three years of my life! I'm looking forward to Thursday not only because I get my results, but also because I'll be able to relax properly

Did you post your headlines? (Remember? Haha) Congratulations!

Still "Thursday"? I thought it was like three Thursdays ago you said that! Is it this Thursday you get the results?

Yeah, I completely understand! My professor let me know I didn't need to worry about it before I left for my vacation, so that made it easier to just not think about it too much. When I took my first comprehensive exam, I left for a vacation about a week later, and the professor let me know I'd passed before I left. The second exam, the professor took a month to let me know I'd passed! He's a big jerk. But I didn't have a vacation planned after that one.

Yep - it's this Thursday. The 15th. Wiccawillow's birthday. Exam results day. The day of the doom. The end of the world......

It's always the waiting that's the worst

The book with every human depravity mentioned.

To be fair, what about 'this book should not be ignored by those who justify the murder of unborn children'?

i highly recommend it. I went to Benin, West Africa.

Yup--although I find it's worst for the first couple of days when you still remember everything you wrote and start to pick out the errors. It gets better over time!

Is that the day that determines things about (chances for) Oxford? Or, are you already passed that stage? (Sorry, I can't remember.)

I hate those days. I always forget the good things that I wrote! I vaguely remember going home and telling my mum that I'd blown certain essays away, but I don't remember those essays. I remember the essay based on sources, where I misunderstood what I was being asked to do completely and wrote about the wrong thing. I remember the chemistry paper that even my teacher said he couldn't do. But worse than that, I remember every stupid little mistake that I made!!! I'm going to have to try and remember some good things now

Yes! *whimper*

I applied to 6 universities last October. Most universities just give you an offer (or not) on the basis of your application. Oxford interview prospective students. But I survived and I got an offer. Offers from universities are almost always conditional on students achieving certain grades in their exams. Oxford told me to get two As and a B in three of my four main subjects (Biology, Chemistry, Politics, Sociology). I accepted Oxford's offer as my first choice and Edinburgh (who asked for BBC) as my insurance. If I've missed my Oxford offer, I'll have done it by one grade - I'm pretty certain I've got at least ABB. So Thursday determines whether I can actually take up my place at Oxford or whether I'll be going to Edinburgh (also a really good university). There's a small chance they'll take me if I don't meet my offer, but since I've got a place to do Biology and if I've dropped a grade in anything it'll be Biology, I doubt it.

4 days!

*singing*
Ac-cen-tu-ate the positive...

I write nothing because I don't believe in God or The Bible. I've read too many different things to say what's real and what's not. So therefore I have nothing to say on anything to do with any religion, everyone from one religion to the next sayd their right and everyone else is wrong, I guess I'll find out when I die.

I wouldn't write nothing.Just simply copy Psalm 23 like it is.After reading that or you haven't any taste and artistic sensibility or you buy the book.
Oh the Bible is a great work of art! What is stupid is using it as a moral guide (at least the Old Testament).You don't use the Homer epics like moral guides,right? And still they are great,the Bible is exactly the same thing for me.

How would that work for people who beleive the Bible is not of any merit?

Then those people shouldn't use the Bible to justify anything they believe, or use the Bible against those who do believe in it.

When reading any book, always remember that translation kills the beauty of the original outright. So unless you have the original (for which this would not be a preface, and it would probably still be wrong in a lot of places due to mistranslation of the "Old Testament"), just take what you need and keep what you have. And always remember that spirituality is more important than being religious. Whoever He is, He probably wanted you to be individuals, in other words, follow His word in your own way, not in the manner of millions. If He wanted a million people to be the same, He would said so, and done so. If you look identical to someone, that doesn't mean your spiritual beliefs are supposed to be identical, and chances are, you don't look identical to everyone in your religion. So just leave your religion, and become spiritual. It's what He would want.

It happens I am sure.

Some of my comments should come with a warning sign:

Warning: Reading of this comment while under the influence of sleep deprevation may cause the inablity to detect sarcasm.

DO NOT BELIEVE THIS BULLCRAP!!!

Yours is great!

This is a really, really boring book if you don't have enough insight in the religion, like moi, as an example. Otherwise, it is filled with really wise thingamajigs.

How very enlightened of you.

Thank you!

That makes sense. That's what I do.

This work is a piece of fiction. Any resemblance to actual people and events is a coincidence.

If you are offended by: The supportaiton of marijuana and alcohol or comments to women such as: "It is more common to find a pearl in the sea than a good wife," do not read this book.

And now a word from our Sponsor...

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Welcome to the book of inspired stories of ancient times, based on hearsay, unsubstantiated events and supposed paranormal happenings.

Caution: Not suitable for children under the age of 17 due to pervasive themes of bloodshed, murder, incest, torture, etc., etc., etc. Children under the age of 17 are only allowed to read The Bible when accompanied by an adult, 18 years of age or older.