I don't know, but I'm currently cracking myself up at the memory of that Seinfeld episode where Kramer and Newman order rickshaws from China and decide that homeless people should pull them. It's the only one I've ever liked (all the characters on that show never seemed happy) and it's hilarious for some reason

This one time, at band camp...

I can't think of anything that would interest anyone here.

A couple of days ago my son went to Exclusively Adult (an adult bookstore) to get one of his roommates a birthday present. He has two roommates-they are Kevin & Sarah, a married couple. He's straight, she's bi. She wanted a new riding crop for her birthday so my son went to EA to purchase it. He bought it and they didn't have a big enough bag to put it in so he took it home on the bus with half of it sticking out of his backpack. He told me that the strange looks and stares he was getting while on the 2 buses it took to get home totally cracked him up!

HEY...that's my line!

That is so funny. My sister-in-law and I went to an adult bookstore a few months ago because I wanted to get some tattoo magazines. Well, I get the magazines and, of course, they put them in a brown paper bag with no writing. When we walked out of the store, I bumped into my parent's pastor, who was walking down the sidewalk outside the store to a neighboring store. It seems like everytime I go down there, there are people I know around there. There's no telling what they think I'm buying.

Don't tell anybody, but sometimes it's more than tattoo magazines.

This is my reaction if my pastor (if I had one) saw me coming out of a porn shop.

You had to have been there!

I tell a story and get met with blank faces. That therefore is always my response. Sad really that I can't think of anything that doesn't boil down to innate immaturity or childishness amongst friends and is only funny because it us. Its good though and I think people should have more fun.

My best friend Gill is simply my best friend because we're on the same wavelength.
We were at the theatre once when were about 17 and this posh couple were there and the gentleman sneezed and the lady turned to him and said 'Kleenex darling'.
We looked at each other and nearly pissed ourselves. Even now years later its become a little catchphrase we can always pull out to cheer ourselves up.

My aunt and I went to a nice resort hotel for a long weekend. There was a beautiful polished oak staircase that ended about ten feet from the swimming pool. There was also a big hall off the pool area, where a wedding reception was taking place. I commented to my aunt that they shouldn't have that kind of staircase so close to the pool, because it is possible the bride could slip and fall into the pool. After we swam for a while, I had to go to the bathroom. So I ran up the oak steps towards our room. I was so glad that I hadn't slipped on the steps that I kicked one leg really high and yelled "TA-DA". I lost my footing and fell backward into the hallway (at least not down the steps). My aunt laughed hysterically and so did I. I laughed so hard that I was just lying there pounding my fist on the carpet. This elderly couple came out of their room, and the man just stepped over me, but the woman ranted and raved about young people who get so Dad blamed drunk and stoned that they lie on hotel floors and laugh all day long. By this time, I REALLY had to poop, so I got up, but since the lady was still watching me, I skipped back to our hotel room. This time, when I went back to the pool, I was smart enough to wear my tennis shoes, and took my aunt her shoes, too.

Kleenix, darling!

I just remembered this yesterday and it put a smile on my face;

A few years ago, my husband and I were out in Old Montreal with some American customers. They were driving a Jaguar and had parked it behind a building where you had to park a little on a slant. So when we escorted them back to their car at the end of the evening, we found a long rivulet of liquid coming from underneath the car. My husband was very concerned for his customer. He did not want to see him get taken advantage of - you know;
Jaguar + American plates + desperation = $$$$$$

So he bent down to dip his fingers in the liquid to see if it felt like oil, then he put it to his nose to see if it smelled like antifreeze. He was puzzled...

Then I went on the other side of the car and found that someone had taken a pee right next to the car!! It really did look like it came from the car!!

Boy, did I laugh!!! Needless to say, Ben started to look for a bathroom so he could wash his hands.
Bwahhhahahahaha!

Thanx juliw! I really was thinking about this story yesterday and wishing I could have remembered it when this type of survey came about.

I heard your story before, it must have been really funny! I didn't know you had to poop though, you didn't mention THAT before!!

(Read my comment)

I should have said to Ben;
"Kleenex, Darling?"

Bwahhhahahahaha! Poor babe!

My life.
The End.

Your life is wonderful...hope you had a happy 4th!

It's been a lazy lazy day so far!

We went over to my cousin's house for a cookout. It was fun, but I ate too much, as usual.

YAY!!!!

Today, in my summer school class, this guy walked out of the calls and everyone started laughing. It was funny because the teacher kept yelling after him to come back and he pretended he doesn't notice. Fine, you don't need to laugh if you dont' want to.

Did you ever read Jack Kerouac's "Desolation Angels?".I hope you did.Anyway last week a friend of mine,during a very amusing computer chat I'd like to cut and paste entirely if it wasn't in Italian,told me that when she first asked to a guy she knew about the book he just told her the plot like that:
"oh,he goes up on a tree.Stays there for 90 pages.But then he comes down."

A TREE??!!!

The mountain makes sense,but a TREE?!

I just can't understand how this guy had the crazy idea that he stood up on tree ("for 90 pages )!It's clear that Desolation Peak is a mountain,right? mmmm maybe is not...

When I was younger if my Dad and I went to the store or mall together he would drag a foot and drool and bend one of his arms up and adapt a slow vocabulary. He would make comments about how I walked to fast for him, or other more ridiculous things. At first it was silly, but then I'd get annoyed and tell him to knock it off and people would look at me like: OMG she's yelling at her retarded Father. He's worse with my step-mother though, she'll be talking to someone in a store and he'll walk over next to her and fart and then walk off, or fart and then say "Jeeze, couldn't you of held that one until we got outside? We're in PUBLIC." And so, due to these....habbits and his impulse buying he is not allowed to go shopping. We think he's done this on purpose so he does not have to go out. It works.

I have a great-aunt Bertha who is pushing 100 real hard. She's very short, kind of stout, and has one of those cute little "old lady voices". She's been a widow all of my life, and is normally every bit the prototypical elderly straight-laced church going woman.

One time at a family wedding, the wife of one of my cousins had recently gotten a tattoo of a rose on her breast. She was wearing a low-cut evening gown, and the tattoo became a topic of conversation at our table. Great-aunt Bertha's observation had everyone on the floor laughing: "When you get to be my age," she advised "it will be a long-stemmed rose!"

That is too funny. She sounds almost exactly like my Great Grandma who is also very proper and "straight laced" but every once in a while something sooo funny and out of character slips out.

I can only assume that these sort of gags are among the few advantages of being extremely elderly. I can just see it. All the old gals getting together after bingo, trading stories, and cussing like truck-drivers, "...my grandson didn't know whether to crap or go blind..."

*Is not in the mood*

My friends are going to the pictures today but I have to stay at home and pack for my holiday

My two year old cannot say "Chips" properly, and they are one of his favorite things. The one weekend I was at my Dad's house with his girlfriend and her two kids and my son saw the bag of chips- I felt it coming and I cringed

Loud and clear as day he yelled, "Mom, dog!!!"

My 10 year old to-be sister was one the floor laughing, but my Dad was less than pleased.

Most people probably won't think it's very funny.. but I cracked up.

In between calls at the call center I work in, a friend and I were for some reason talking about the effects White Castle Hamburgers have on the body(Gas and other unspoken bodily dilemmas). He was saying that the magic is in the onions right when a call came to him. He immediately answered, "Thank you for calling Avon, this is Onion. How may I help you?" He decided the best course of action at this point was to explain to the Avon lady what we were talking about... in full detail.. luckily she had a sense of humor and had eaten White Castles before and didn't freak.

It might help to know that this guy totally reminds me of Cosmo Kramer so just picture Kramer having this conversation.

There was this guy see.
He wasn't very bright and he reached his adult life without ever having learned "the facts".
Somehow, it gets to be his wedding day.
While he is walking down the isle, his father tugs his sleeve and says,

"Son, when you get to the hotel room...Call me"

Hours later he gets to the hotel room with his beautiful blushing bride and he calls his father,

"Dad, we are the hotel, what do I do?"

"O.K. Son, listen up, take off your clothes and get in the bed, then she should take off her clothes and get in the bed, if not help her. Then either way, ah, call me"

A few moments later...

"Dad we took off our clothes and we are in the bed, what do I do?"

O.K. Son, listen up. Move real close to her and she should move real close to you, and then... Ah, call me."

A few moments later...

"DAD! WE TOOK OFF OUR CLOTHES, GOT IN THE BED AND MOVED REAL CLOSE, WHAT DO I DO???"

"O.K. Son, Listen up, this is the most important part. Stick the long part of your body into the place where she goes to the bathroom."

A few moments later...

"Dad, I've got my foot in the toilet, what do I do?"

Oh, I can soooo picture that!

Nothing at all comes to mind. If something does, I'll tell you.

My sister was living with me in Florida. She worked during the day and I worked at nights (Air Force). When I didn't work during the day (had another job off the base), we would save the money, and keep her two kids home from the daycare center. (Only once did I fall asleep before she came home, to find my two-year-old nephew pulling all the record albums out of their sleeves and stacking them on top of each other - aaaack!)
One day, when I got to stay home with her kids, I wanted to teach that same two-year-old nephew of mine the word "yes". Kids hear (and learn) the word "no" quickly, so I wanted to teach him "yes".
"Do you want eggs for breakfast, Brian?"
: "I want eggs," he'd say.
"Noooo, say 'yes'," I'd correct him.
: "Yes," he'd say.
"Good. Now, do you want eggs for breakfast, Brian?"
: "I want eggs."
No exaggerating, this went on for a half hour.
Finally, hoarse by now I'm sure, "Do you want eggs for breakfast, Brian?" I closed my eyes, willed this kid to say the right thing please oh please oh please.
: "Yes."
I swooped him up into my arms, celebrating with him. He knew what he'd done right too because as I bounced him in my arms down the hallway, I'd say, "Do you want eggs for breakfast?"
He would laugh, "Yes! Yes! Yes!"
Moments of triumph, I love them.
We got to the refrigerator and I opened it.
No eggs.

So..."Ohhh. Brian, no eggs, God, I'm SO sorry. Hey, do you want cereal?"
: "I want cereal."

Um.....I'll have to think about this one.

During the beginning of the school year in september, I was standing in the hall after lunch with a group of friends eating m&m's. There was a lull in the conversation, and all of a sudden I looked at the m&m I was about to eat, and I said "Guys, there's an "E" on my m&m!" It turned out I was actually holding it sideways.

Jemmy, I remember you telling me that you dyed your hair - was it blond that day, or what?? I know you're smarter than that!!

Hmmm...I think it was brown with blond highlights at that point. But not as blond as it has been before. Anyway, I do things like that all the time. I'm famous for it! In fact, last week, I was at my Dad's summer house with my friend, and we couldn't get the TV to work. To figure out if it was the TV or the fuse, I had to be lowered in behind the entertainment centre to plug in a little lamp and see if it worked. The lamp worked, but I was stuck and my stepmom had to pull me out. After all of that, she realised I had forgotten to plug in the TV again, and I had to do it all over again!

Ya gotta love those moments in life!!

My friend Blake has a knack for switching up parts of words when she speaks too quickly. We were discussing which colors she was using on a project for school when she said that she "really liked blavy and nack but" she wasn't "so sure about rue and bled." Black, navy, blue, & red. Go figure!

oooooh ooooooh I have loads of examples of them too. er...but I can't remember them. I do that if I get excitable and I know loads who do it to. I often get excited after a night out and suggest quickly that we go and get some 'Chish and Fips'. But I'm sure there was one example where the words swapped around turned out to be real words and turned the whole context around. Let me think on that one.

The official name for them is Spoonerisms.

Thanks for the link... I'll send it to my friend too.

I was at my friends house his name is Casey. We have been friends since i've moved here. He's been great and one day I went to the store about 3 blockes away from my house Casey went with me. He saw this girl he liked. I told him to go and talk to her. While he was walking over he triped over the rug in the store. Then when he got up and saw that the girl wasn't alone.. she had a guy with her. Casey walked back to me and said lets go. The next day he comes up to me and said I didn't like that girl anyways. I feel bad for him no girls like him because he acts like a fool around them.