| User | Comment |
|---|
jettles   | | posted 25-Dec-2001 5:12pm |
i would continue to talk to them about it but i would also stop lending my car, would not agree to do projects with them, etc...... if at all possible but tell them why i am declining to do those things as well. it won't be well received until they can face their issues! |
| juliw | | posted 25-Dec-2001 6:10pm |
I would try to support them and encourage them to get help. I had a similar situation with a friend of mine from work. I have tried calling her, inviting her to things, etc. She said she just wants to write off everybody, and wants left alone. So I quit calling her. I hope she's okay. I tried going to her apartment, but she actually yelled out the window that she was not at home. So I left. |
| cody | | posted 25-Dec-2001 7:55pm |
Well... you are never in a situation where someones actions HAVE TO affect you. Their life isn't any of your business, and as a friend, you only have some relative weak rights of action. As far as it affecting your life... well, play hardball. Don't loan them your car. Complain to a manager if they are fudging up at work... whatever. This is real life, you know... we aren't on some third grade playground. |
| mary | | posted 25-Dec-2001 11:13pm |
that whole car thing is a give away
you can't change what the person does, but you can make sure you are there for that person... and that's all you can do, carry on with your own stuff for the time being |
| mandy | | posted 25-Dec-2001 11:16pm |
I have a tendency to walk away if I feel they won't see the problem themselves and try to correct it. |
| anoddoblivion | | posted 25-Dec-2001 11:34pm |
My friends which are close enough, I would talk with them until I knew it was better or until I knew it wouldn't help. I'm very picky and choose my moments very well. |
| jkiehart | | posted 26-Dec-2001 12:12am |
Distance myself. |
| Zang | | posted 26-Dec-2001 1:48am |
Distance. There isn't much point in trying to be supportive until this person recognises that they have a problem. Chances are, you're not in a position to be "supportive" to them right now anyway. If they start to take the steps to remedy their situation you can only be supportive if you maintain a certain detachment. You cannot be emotionally involved. That is counter-productive. They are going to have to do most of the work themselves. This is very difficult. Trust me, I've been there. There is really nothing you can do right now. It is best to just avoid letting this individual have a negative impact on your life. |
| confetti | | posted 26-Dec-2001 2:14am |
Be very firm and use every bit of the courage and compassion you possess to tell them straight-out to deal with it. |
| Wendy | | posted 26-Dec-2001 7:35am |
It depends... If for a bonus at work, I'd get someone else to tell them for me! Hey, I'm a chicken when it comes to confronting people! *bawk bawk bawk bawk baaawwwwwk* Now if they wrecked my car, then THAT's a different story. I'd tell them to get the hell out of my life! A bonus is something that I *could've* had, but a car is something that I *had* and he/she ruined as a result of their own selfish personal pleasure (being high). |
| Oscar | | posted 26-Dec-2001 8:59am |
Be there for them. |
| serendipity | | posted 26-Dec-2001 12:58pm |
Cut 'em off. The only way to get through or play safe. |
| Dino | | posted 27-Dec-2001 5:32am |
You have to distance yourself. You can't help someone unless they want help - but tell them you'll be there for them if they are prepared to acknowledge their problems and want help. |
Enheduanna   | | posted 27-Dec-2001 10:42am |
It would depend on how close a friend they were, I think. If they were close, I might talk to them about it and suggest that they seek help. If they weren't that close, I would probably just distance myself. I might distance myself from the closer friend, too. I don't know. |
| Gamera | | posted 27-Dec-2001 5:38pm |
First, above all else, I would take a very long and honest and careful evaluation of my own motives for getting involved. Is it really and honestly and truly out of love and compassion for that person, or is it selfishly motivated by some need for personal gain? What am I trying to get out of helping them? Do I just want them to change because *I* would like them better if they were a different person than who they are? If so, then I have *no real business* getting involved. If they are hurting me in a work situation, like described, then my business is to change my own situation- my relationship and dependency on the other person- not to change the other person. Attempting to change another person for personal gain or professional convenience is both disrespectful, and remarkably inefficient. After that, it depends on the type and degree of denial and associated behavior. I weigh in a complicated soft equation of variables such: as How damaging is the behavior? Is the behavior inherently "bad," or is it just damaging me because I want them to behave differently for my own needs? What is the depth of our relationship? Is this person open to helpful critique and interested in self-evaluation? Can I approach this person in a supportive, compassionate, and helpful way? (If I cannot - for whatever reasons - then I know that however much I care or not about their behavior, I am not going to be the one to help them), And is this person receptive to hearing something from me? Taking all that into account, if I choose to proceed, then my job is to listen and to understand. I will often ask a few questions about motivations or feelings around behaviors and see how the person responds. If they get very defensive, then I'll back off - it may not be the right time, or I may not be the right person - if they seem to want or need to talk about it, then I'll likely be there for them, depending on what else is going on in my life at the time and what reserves I have available to me. |
| anonymous | | posted 27-Dec-2001 10:14pm |
Sounds like you've got two things going on- a friend in trouble that you want to help, and someone fudging up your business. That's really hard because you have to deal with friends and coworkers differently. Get out of anything that the other person can hurt you in for your own well being, then you can try to help him directly. You can't really be of any help to a friend if you're looking after your own ass, too- it will taint your advice too much. If you want to stay in the job and want him out of it-- well, that's really hard. You could get your own friend fired (or tell him you don't want to work with him anymore) and maybe the shock of that would help him out of his denial. You'll probably loose his friendship that way, but you would loose it working with him and being bitter about it, too. So pick what's more important to you - the friendship or the work, and jettison the other, then you'll know what to do. |
| Dino | | (reply to anonymous) posted 28-Dec-2001 3:52am |
Hey little anonymous person. Come out of your shell. We don't bite you know. Well ..er...okay - we don't all bite and if anyone does you can be sure there be a flurry of messages dog-slapping that person down. |
| anonymous | | (reply to Dino) posted 28-Dec-2001 12:30pm |
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| kaleb777 | | posted 28-Dec-2001 1:39pm |
Dump them. If they refuse to see that they are creating a problem for themselves as well as you, piss them off. Work is different. You should have a disciplinary procedure for team members that aren't pulling their weight. |
| lion | | posted 28-Dec-2001 1:53pm |
Btw folks - The two incidents in the survey description were EXAMPLES, and not based on actual events, at least in my life. It was to help clarify what I was trying to ask.
Only the car incident is partially based on fact - a friend of mine loaned her car to her S.O. at the time (some 13 years ago now), and they ended up wrecking it. As far as I know, there were no drugs of any kind involved just bad driving. |
| pinkcullin | | posted 30-Dec-2001 7:15pm |
I distance myself because I recently went through this with one of my closet friends and even though I wanted to help her there was nothing I could do because she didn't realize her problem, and others who did always took her side not mine. Even though in the end I was right. |
| Cleo | | posted 31-Dec-2001 10:23pm |
First off,they have to realise that they even have a problem.Most people in denial,REALLY don't think that they have a problem,or that they are a problem. Two: they have to want to help themselves to change.No one not even you can change them.That has to come from within the person.Chances are that they will continue to mess up untill they hit rock bottom.Then & (usually) only then will they realize & decide(by themself)that they need/needed help. Other than that,there ain't a dang thing you can do or say,that would make them want to change.  |
| natsim | | posted 1-Jan-2002 11:17pm |
Talk openly and honestly with them about how it is affecting me, and how their friendship is important to me (assuming it is!). Ask them how they feel about it and how we can work together to resolve the issue. |
| Brony |
IT's a hard subject, but all you can do is be there for them until they wake up and smell the coffee. No amount of convincing will help, they need to find help on their own, but i think it's ok to talk to them at a vulnerable moment when they realise their actions (this happens sometimes) and suggest a solution, the next day they might completely ignore your conversation, but just be there for them |
| kevweck |
be supportive of the issue but tough in love and honest with them.. |
Galomorro  | | posted 13-Jan-2002 10:54pm |
They have to want to change themselves. It'd probably do little good to nag them about it. |
| anonymous | | posted 15-Feb-2002 6:32pm |
beat the fudgeer senseless |
