| | Author | Message |
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cerealkiller  
| | #1 posted November 2, 2009 at 7:30pm (EST) |
The weasels and goblins are back, after me again. A sure sign fall is here and we are heading towards maximum darkness. The demon wakes up, stirs around, tries to become the master. The stirring begins on halloween, the trick-or-treaters, ahh, nice and tasty. The preparation, anticipation becoming dread, a heart-racing experience of anxiety, rejection, failure and past deaths. It spreads, affects others, MJ is invading my space, over and over he goes. Is it Monday, or Wednesday and who was I supposed to see today? The sun fades, the night rolling in, the cool air, the lust, the power, the strength, the effort to remain calm and implode rather than explode. Narrow is getting narrower. The walls moving on each side are close now. Keep thinking "why do I keep doing that? It is so wrong". Wrong, right, first star I see at night? How is it possible to drive 'down' the road? Where are my pills? Oh, I forgot. I don't have any. Won't give me anymore because it's been 8 months since I spilled my brains out to her. Cold, indifferent Indian dog. Hah. First always asks if I feel like killing people lately. Good thing she isn't hot. Why are those girls so? Guess I gotta go. Next Tuesday. My birthday. Load up on pills. Get new ones. Maybe. Maybe the new ones will kill that weasel. Why do toy action figures cost up to $100? Just a thought. Grandpa means nothing but a gift machine. Gotta find that Santa Claus and put a butcher knife in him. He's outlived his usefulness. Maybe this week I'll have work. Maybe not. Third week now. Nothing to keep the weasels at bay. On a brighter note - wtf should I eat today for dinner? Taco Bell, KFC or a frozen dinner? Followed up with leftover Halloween candy for dessert. Where's Jack? 200 kids this halloween. Lowest in 5 years. 12 wouldn't come to the door after seeing me. I liked that. And those girls........ Why is it? | cerealkiller
| | #2 posted November 2, 2009 at 7:40pm (EST) |
The internal mind "sounds" a lot different than what a person actually writes and speaks, wouldn't you say?
Y'all go ahead and give it a try. Let your mind wander around and dont think about it. Write down what your brain is saying. C'mon.
Must leave. Must leave. It is now 4:38 pm. Must leave. Must be at the on-ramp before 5 pm. Before maximum traffic time. Not normal if I deviate. Time change is majorly screwing up what is normal. It's too dark now. Too dark. I must remain normal. I must. I have too many responsibilities. Don't want normal anymore. Don't want anything anymore. Just a good Chicago pizza and peace............................. | Irene007  
| | #3 posted November 3, 2009 at 12:18am (EST) |
I should be doing some work but instead I'm sitting here barely listening to the documentarty I have playing on my other screen, wondering why the hell I'm reading this crap and thinking about the guy sleeping in my bed... Am I in love? I don't even know... Is he there because of my inherent need for companionship? Am I letting another being keep me from developping myself to my full potential again? I'm feeling like I'm ready to take on the world but - WAIT! I have to do something else first and it involves him... Is it worth it? I don't even know. Thankfully, I sleep tight every night (anyone would with a 6-pack of beer anyway) so why all these black thoughts? Like, how do I tell my cleaning lady that she doesn't cut the muster when she's the wife of my best customer? Or how do I live up to the gifts my daugther's Italian in-laws offer her kids for stupid events like Halloween? Crap... My grand-kids have more money in their bank accounts than most people I know and they're both less than 3 years old!!! So much for not spoiling children... Dammit! I worked so hard on that with my own kids. What was the point? Oh yeah... We were broke back then; we had no choice. Does having expendable money change anything? No, me thinks - it's still the 6-pack of beer that keeps me snoring! Well, that's all folks, this is as black as I can get. If there was a contest; CK would win.
Hmmmm... Somehow I feel better now. Sorry CK!  La vie est belle! | cerealkiller
| | #4 posted November 3, 2009 at 12:31pm (EST) |
Venting/releasing can help, or not. I've found historically when I went to psychologists it actually made me worse. It made me dwell on the negative things and the negative kept growing. That's why I don't go to them anymore. Nothing is going to help I think.
Actually, I've read that alcohol disturbs normal sleep patterns. | cerealkiller
| #5 posted November 3, 2009 at 2:54pm (EST)
edited November 3, 2009 at 2:56pm (EST) |
Tuesday. Ruby Tuesday? Another day, another waste of gas. Sit here. What should I look for today? Hmm, already bid on MJ jacket, socks, glove, pig head. Never too early to plan for next Halloween. Legs and butts fading now. So juicy. Need to piss, but hate getting up from my desk. Been 4 hours now, can wait. Boring, Halloween candy tempting me. Who's your daddy? Mine was a wimp. Jimmy don't crack corn anymore. Which medication is giving me stomach aches every day? Dang eye still hurts from gettin poked directly in the eye with a tree branch that attacked me. Karma I think. Almost lunch nap time. Sunshine again like always. 70's. Eating bubble gum probably isn't good for you. Cell phone doesn't ring anymore. Bill collectors must have given up. VW must be pissed they can't collect the $10k from me after re-po couple years ago. Their fault. Solved the daily difficult Sudoku 1 minute and 7 seconds faster than the mild one. Are they lieing?
http://entertainment.timesonline.co.uk/tol/arts_an...
Did I break the rule by skipping a line? Same breakfast like usual - bacon and egg burrito and coffee from Carl's Jr. Hot dog at the window knows I want 3 creams and 1 Splenda for the coffee. Hotter dog at Starbuck's window. Nice bewbs and ass. Want her. First drive-by shooting I've heard of in town last week. Dang spics are perfectly welcome to kill each other. Read on CNN that 2 out of every 7 latina teen females attempt suicide. they should come by my house and let me fudge them first. Hate for young pussy to be wasted. When is it gonna end? Why do poor people seem happier? Cool. That Evolution of Evil Michael Myers set I bought last year for $25 new now sells for $100 in the store. Discontinued, now a collector's item. Rambling, not gambling. Scrambled not dangled.
| cerealkiller
| | #6 posted November 4, 2009 at 7:04pm (EST) |
Suck, suck, suck a dick, gentley down the stream, merrily merrily merrily merrily life is liked whipped cream. Dang eye hurting all day, woke up with it, out of focus with the other one. J/O first thing, someone here knows why, who would drink a coke after using the Smart mop to clean it off the floor?, 6 days, BJ jacket coming from China, can't stop thinking about refried beans and sour cream and someone here knows why, Santa if you are a female send nude photos of yourself, dick fondue, time flies like the flies that live in my vehicles, maybe need to clean the cars out sometime even closer to maximum darkness now, no one writes here except Irene tried - 2pts for that, she would disagree but I find a life with drinking every night the most depressing existence next to being in prison, taverns and bars disgust me, strip clubs are boring, massage parlors are okay because you get a handjob with your body massage, theaters are crazy expensive - fudging $18 for a large popcorn and two medium drinks, granddaughter just called, fudging Halloween mask for her just arrived from Hong Kong, just a tad late...., keep her on my desktop as the background, cute one she is, 4 pm, wasted 7 hours sitting here surfing SC, CNN, Foxnews, eBay and other 'regulars'. why did that black guy in Cleveland be so dumb to keep dead bodies around the house? Doesn't he know you only keep totems and not the whole body? Must be a retard, only 3 weeks until Thanksgiving, fudging cook all dang day and spend 10 minutes eating it, no way I'm getting up day after to shop, do everything online, easy, simple. You ever see a dick fully tattooed? must hurt. I think dicks are more attractive than pussies. stomach aches stopped, no idea why., where the fudge is everyone out there? am i yelling into an empty cave? do you cave? Huh dave? Do you have an exit strategy? | Irene007
| | #7 posted November 5, 2009 at 12:29am (EST) |
I'm too tired to vent tonight, sat at my computer all day but got some stuff that was hanging around finally done - just another excuse not to do my accounting but I'll have to face it in the morning. I'm going to go snuggle up to the guy in my bed, my feet are cold; he'll warm them up!  | Biggles
| | #8 posted November 5, 2009 at 3:00pm (EST) |
CK - were you around for KR's Talk to yourself out loud in public survey? (And the continuation.)
I quite enjoyed letting my mind wander on those, but it took a while to get into the swing of them. Still, I might have a go here... | cerealkiller
| | #9 posted November 5, 2009 at 3:28pm (EST) |
I don't recall that. My wife talks out loud to herself a lot. Sometimes she forgets I'm home and I find it funny if she doesn't notice we standing there. | Biggles
| | #10 posted November 5, 2009 at 3:55pm (EST) |
Listening to the fireworks outside. Bonfire night. Wish I was at a bonfire. Or watching the fireworks because I have a great view of the city. Used to burn an effigy of my Dad. Well, not my Dad - a Guy, but we made it from my Dad's old clothes so it looked like we were burning him. Not any more though. My parents made the bonfire patch into a flower bed. Well, my Mum. Think my Dad enjoyed the bonfires. Made him feel like a man. Not emasculated, but not hunting woolly mammoths must make them feel a bit like that. Breadwinner. Not like my future - a kept woman, me?
I need to change my bedsheets. Dropped some stuff on them - not sure what. Before I went away. Been nearly two weeks this time. Strange to be back - feels a bit like I live there now. Glad I don't. Horrid place. Nothing there. Rubbish hospital. Hope I don't have to work there. Deodorant. Alarm clock. Is that how you spell deodorant? Erant? Errant? Knights errant. Knight's fee. Glass bird. Catherine Called Birdy. Good book. Silly. Funny. Shaggy Beard. Blacken your teeth and scare them away. What's my excuse? Hmm. 21 is too young. 21? Not sure. Romeo and Juliet. A wall with a chink. A chink! Not like that. I forgot to pick up the peas. They'll be manky by the time we get back. Tuesday? Monday night. John and Edward. Guilty pleasure. John and Edward to win! Can't call it music. That's good for me. Should be working. Diabetes!!! Would rather be watching fireworks. Or eating. What do I have that's nice? Just been shopping. Put about three pounds in the Poppy collection tin - didn't take a poppy though. Don't wear it on your sleeve or proclaim it. But want one for next week, for the day at least and maybe until Sunday. For the ward - lots of old people. Lived through it, fought themselves. Hand grenade - damaged hand. Left behind. Not many left now. Soon like Harry Patch. We need to do what we can now, because soon it will just be three survivors and they'll be special, rare. Not rare now, but we should cherish them anyway. Must have been frightening. Damaged them I think. Woolly mammoths? Nazi mammoths? Something like that.
Coming out of it. Stop. | cerealkiller
| | #11 posted November 5, 2009 at 4:54pm (EST) |
Go. Cream cream, cream on me on the far side of the hill, cold hands usual in fall/winter, bored to crap, need to crap, give a crap? clouds - a love/hate relationship, bat on my desk been there 2 years now, dead people, live people, don't think about them.... out of sight out of mind, frickin' California raping us taking payday loans out of our checks now interest free, why doesn't the Terminator donate some cash? Is life the same where others live? Is it an arroganat American thing to believe everyone on the planet would like to live here? Is there weather in Indonesia? Does a black pussy taste the same? Is there really any one 'best' place to live in the world? Can see today, eye is normal, stomach aches gone, blood sugar up - need to stop the Halloween candy, do I care? Thursday - where the hell did that come from? Who was Thur? No biggles, 21 is too old. Used up by then. Pelosi shows every day she is a brainless twit. Glad Carly is running against Boxer next year. May even want a yard sign showing support for her.Plug along, why? What is the point of anything? The robot doesn't live in my closet anymore which is good. I think the boogeyman under the bed is inside now. | Biggles
| | #12 posted November 5, 2009 at 5:06pm (EST) |
"21 is too young, but 25 is just right *wink, wink*" is something a patient said to me when I was explaining that most of my classmates were about 21 but that I was 25. I've met a lot of flirtatious old men while I've been on Urology. Plus some dirty old men, which is unfortunate when you have to examine their genitals. | they  
| | #13 posted November 5, 2009 at 5:28pm (EST) |
Yay for examining genitals. | cerealkiller
| | #14 posted November 5, 2009 at 5:30pm (EST) |
How can you be neutral about handling guy's members? I'd think that would turn you off in ever having a "normal" pleasureful time handling one in a relationship. I sure as hell wouldn't find examing old ladie's private parts exactly a desirable job.
I reckon some of those guys have had erections and have asked you to masturbate them? Or do they do it and want you to watch? Hmm, if the guy were a gorgeous 25 year old like yourself would you think differently and maybe 'relieve' him? | Biggles
| | #15 posted November 5, 2009 at 6:08pm (EST) |
cerealkiller wrote:
> How can you be neutral about handling guy's members? I'd think that
> would turn you off in ever having a "normal" pleasureful time handling
> one in a relationship. I sure as hell wouldn't find examing old ladie's
> private parts exactly a desirable job.
I understand what you're saying, but if you work in healthcare you detach yourself from the way that society usually views the body. If you don't, you couldn't do the job at all. It's weird enough (in British culture at least), to ask patients about intimate details of their lives (and get full and honest answers, most of the time) or to touch them even to the extent of a pat on the hand. But those are absolutely necessary, so you break down those boundaries. I'm quite tactile with patients - holding hands, patting arms - and ask them questions that would probably get me punched anywhere else. Outside of a healthcare setting though, I behave in much the same way that I have always behaved. Professionally and personally, I can look at the human body in very different ways.
> I reckon some of those guys have had erections and have asked you
> to masturbate them? Or do they do it and want you to watch?
Not while I've been a medical student. Once when I was a nursing assistant. Pretty much just had to roll my eyes and walk away - I think he would have enjoyed it if I'd acted all shocked or embarrassed. Lately it's been men saying things like "I'd better not tell my wife that I've been felt up by a young lady today!" which is not too bad - they're just joking because they're embarrassed. One or two have made comments that have been rather more lewd. It's annoying more than anything else. If someone said something like that to me outside of a healthcare setting, I would be a lot more upset, but in a hospital context I see pathology (e.g mental illness/disinhibition) rather than danger.
> if the guy were a gorgeous 25 year old like yourself would you think
> differently and maybe 'relieve' him?
I would find a comment like that a lot more threatening if it came from someone younger. I've got more than four years healthcare experience now, and I have never been even remotely attracted to a single patient, young or old. It just doesn't compute. | cerealkiller
| #16 posted November 5, 2009 at 6:34pm (EST)
edited November 5, 2009 at 6:34pm (EST) |
I could never have a position like you or like a doctor where you actually would have to touch another person. Especially sick people. 99% of people are essentially unattactive or undesireable anyhow related to sex. I actually flinch if I accidentally touch another person or even my wife. And I hate those "touchy/feely" type people who put their hands on your shoulder or something when talking to you.
Only physical contact I want to initiate with humans is with someone I'd want to be having sex with. Or if a female touches me it had better be unzipping my pants  |
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