| | Author | Message |
|---|
labjog  
| | #1 posted October 26, 2009 at 9:12am (EST) |
Do you ever feel that your life has a certain number of stages that you must go through. The thing is that we dont know how many stages we have. As I go through life, losing friends and loved ones I begin to wonder, how many more stages do I have, how many do my daughter or son. My husband thinks he's dying everyday, he will probably outlive us all 
I am getting to the point where I dont even like thinking about my past, fun times and bad times. I used to take a lot of pictures but I dont bother to any more because looking at pictures makes me sad. I know I'm in a slump right now, I hate Nov,Dec and Jan. It's a pain in the ass to make plans to get together with my family, it's turned into a forced tradition where everone cant wait for it to be over, why the fudge bother! I think it's time for me to cut ties with my family, they just make me sad and bring to mind bad childhood memories, being molested by my grandpa. No one ever brings it up, but you know everyone is thinking about it. It's just to uncomfortable for me.
I envy people who have huge family get togethers, like we did when we were kids, all of the food and gifts, my grandma always made stockings for us kids, filled with oranges and nuts and little toys and paper doll books. Us kids would play until we passed out. Thinking about this is making me sad, most everyone is gone now. The only thing left is us kids, which isnt much. | Enheduanna 
| | #2 posted October 26, 2009 at 11:38am (EST) |
If there are parts of your childhood Christmas that you loved, why not try making those traditions that you do at your home, just with your husband and kids?
While I sometimes look back fondly and with some desire to return to past stages of my life, I've always been the kind of person who looks forward to the next stage. It doesn't feel limiting to me--at least not yet. I try to enjoy the stage I'm at, too, so it doesn't just pass me by while I'm looking forward to the next one. | Irene007 
| | #3 posted October 26, 2009 at 12:10pm (EST) |
I miss the times when the kids were younger and my parents lived across the creek, we'd always get together and have a good time making xmas decorations with the kids, baking and etc. Since my dad is gone, we've moved apart... I dont' care much for xmas anymore now, it just seems like a lot of work for me. Decorating the house, trimming the tree, spending an entire day in the kitchen to cook a meal that's gone in half an hour. Last year, I didn't even get around to wrapping any presents, I just handed them out from a shopping bag - my tree wasn't even finished being decorated. Alter all that, I have to put the crap all away until the next year. But this year, I'm looking forward to it; we all decided to go to my Mom's residence (an old monastary in Aylmer, QC) it's so beautiful; I'd live there! We reserved the private diningroom and we'll be serving things from our own kitchens, doing a "tacky gift exchange" (instead of buying, you find something from your home that you don't use anymore to wrap) and we're composing a song to sing to our Mom. Something funny of course... My sister from Vancouver is coming and she's the one with the xmas spirit all the time. Funny how she's the furthest away but the most "clingy" to the family and makes sure that we get together.
Like Enheduanna says; try something you enjoyed or something totally different - the trick is to plan! | labjog
| | #4 posted October 26, 2009 at 1:01pm (EST) |
Enheduanna
Irene, Thankyou for your responses, I guess I do need something new to look forward to.
| cerealkiller 
| | #5 posted October 26, 2009 at 1:26pm (EST) |
My perspective is life gets narrower and narrower as you age. I see myself now where I used to see "old" people years ago. You do the same things everyday, you don't go out much anymore, you never go away from the house at night, family leaves you/moves away, now you're taking 6 prescriptions a day, it gets harder to move around, etc.
I know, it doesn't have to be that way. People do enjoy life and some even more so when they're older. But we seem to fit the stereotype of old people. Except I'm "only" gonna be 57 in a few weeks and my wife is 60. Main deviation from the old people routine is that we don't go to bed by 9pm. I rarely get to bed before 11-11:30 and my wife has always been a night owl - going to bed generally at 3-4 am. | EyesOfCharisma
| | #6 posted October 26, 2009 at 2:12pm (EST) |
I am sorry for your past. I went through the same thing... Sad how an event like that really does change your life forever.
I am the gungho one in my family... I have Thanksgiving at my house I can tell my mom is getting lazier and lazier every year... Maybe it is the next generations job to keep things exciting? I don't know..
Either way plan something spectacular to raise your spirits and ignore their looks at you and just smile and walk past... Let them know you are OK!! | FauxLo  
| | #7 posted October 26, 2009 at 2:41pm (EST) |
I totally get it, labjob. I'm the kind of person that likes to cut away the fat, so to speak. If cutting folks out of your life will simplify it and make it easier not to look back, then do it. There's nothing wrong with holding a fondness for those folks and cutting ties with them.  | labjog
| | #8 posted October 26, 2009 at 5:33pm (EST) |
cerealkiller wrote:
> My perspective is life gets narrower and narrower as you age. I see
> myself now where I used to see "old" people years ago. You do the
> same things everyday, you don't go out much anymore, you never go
> away from the house at night, family leaves you/moves away, now you're
> taking 6 prescriptions a day, it gets harder to move around, etc.
>
>.
Exactly CK, When does the "golden" enter into this | labjog
| | #9 posted October 26, 2009 at 5:42pm (EST) |
EyesOfCharisma wrote:
>.|> I am the gungho one in my family... I have Thanksgiving at my house
> I can tell my mom is getting lazier and lazier every year... Maybe
> it is the next generations job to keep things exciting? I don't know..
>
Hmmmm, maybe youve got something there, our family kind of fell apart after my mom died. Maybe it is up to me to keep something exciting.
>
> Either way plan something spectacular to raise your spirits and ignore
> their looks at you and just smile and walk past... Let them know you
>
It would be exciting to plan something at my house, besides I'm sick of us always having to drive to Lansing in the snow (about an hour and a half drive) I could plan a dinner at my house and if they want to come fine if not thats fine too. The way we do it now is to meet at a resturant for christmas,(spending money we don't have) the kids open gifts at the resturant, which I HATE. then everyone goes their seperate ways. we spend about two hours together, takes us longer to drive their. | labjog
| | #10 posted October 26, 2009 at 5:45pm (EST) |
FauxLo wrote:
> I totally get it, labjob. I'm the kind of person that likes to cut
> away the fat, so to speak. If cutting folks out of your life will
> simplify it and make it easier not to look back, then do it. There's
> nothing wrong with holding a fondness for those folks and cutting
> ties with them.
I would be a lot happier to just cut the ties, my kids would hate it though. After my son died I didnt have anything to do with any of them for five years then my Dad was dying so I got back in touch with them, I think my life was better without all of the bullcrap. | FauxLo
| | #11 posted October 26, 2009 at 5:50pm (EST) |
Your kids will survive, I'm sure. And if they want to form their own relationships with the family after they're old enough to do so, then let 'em. Do what's best for you.  | Richard47
| | #12 posted October 26, 2009 at 6:10pm (EST) |
Holidays manage to magnify all of our emotional issues, as there is such an emphasis on 'being together with the family'. All of the commercialism stresses this daily, so we are reminded of our family issues (positive or negative) much more frequently than the rest of the year. On the plus side, holidays pass and we get onto thinking about our own lives again. My suggestion would be to try and be 'kinder' to yourself, as much as possible during this difficult time. Treat yourself (and your immediate family) to some special things that you know will bring you joy....and maybe stay away from the activities that indicate "you need to be a loving functional family!!!!". You certainly are not alone with these feelings. My mother was the glue that held the family together so now....our celebrations aren't worse, they are just 'different' and I embrace the difference for what it is...remembering that these holidays, as well as feelings, will pass. They do every year. If you need to make adjustments in your family relationships, it is wise not to attempt to do that during the holiday season (with the heighened state of emotions) but wait to do it gradually throughout the rest of the year...when you may see things more objectively. | LindaH
| | #13 posted October 26, 2009 at 6:34pm (EST) |
Not doing the same thing year after year as a child does have its advantages. | cerealkiller
| | #14 posted October 26, 2009 at 7:17pm (EST) |
labjog wrote:
> cerealkiller wrote:
>> My perspective is life gets narrower and narrower
> as you age. I see
>> myself now where I used to see "old" people
> years ago. You do the
>> same things everyday, you don't go out much
> anymore, you never go
>> away from the house at night, family leaves
> you/moves away, now you're
>> taking 6 prescriptions a day, it gets harder
> to move around, etc.
>>
> |>.
>
> Exactly CK, When does the "golden" enter into
> this
The "golden" years just means you have to piss more often and hardly anything comes out 
| Iseult 
| | #15 posted October 27, 2009 at 1:28am (EST) |
FauxLo wrote:
> Your kids will survive, I'm sure. And if they
> want to form their own relationships with the
> family after they're old enough to do so, then
> let 'em. Do what's best for you.
I agree. And please, I beg of you, do not stand in the way between your kids and family. My dad managed to not speak to about 90% of his family and now he gives me a very hard time when I want to spend time with them essentially cutting me off from his side of the family. | Iseult
| | #16 posted October 27, 2009 at 1:29am (EST) |
labjog wrote:
> It would be exciting to plan something at my house,
> besides I'm sick of us always having to drive
> to Lansing in the snow (about an hour and a half
> drive) I could plan a dinner at my house and if
> they want to come fine if not thats fine too.
> The way we do it now is to meet at a resturant
> for christmas,(spending money we don't have) the
> kids open gifts at the resturant, which I HATE.
> then everyone goes their seperate ways. we spend
> about two hours together, takes us longer to drive
> their.
Restaurants = impersonal.
House would be so much better. You should do this whole sleep over thing. | labjog
| | #17 posted October 27, 2009 at 10:27am (EST) |
Iseult wrote:
> FauxLo wrote:
>> Your kids will survive, I'm sure. And if they
>> want to form their own relationships with the
>> family after they're old enough to do so, then
>> let 'em. Do what's best for you.
>
> I agree. And please, I beg of you, do not stand in the way between
> your kids and family. My dad managed to not speak to about 90% of
> his family and now he gives me a very hard time when I want to spend
> time with them essentially cutting me off from his side of the family.
>
I wouldnt do that Iseult, My Mom tried that with my Dads side of the family and it was HER Dad that was messing with us kids. She was punishing the kids for her issues so I try very hard not to be like that. My Grandpa Jenkins was the best and I resent her for not allowing us kids to spend more time with him.. | labjog
| | #18 posted October 27, 2009 at 10:33am (EST) |
Richard47 wrote:
> Holidays manage to magnify all of our emotional issues, as there is
> such an emphasis on 'being together with the family'. All of the commercialism
> stresses this daily, so we are reminded of our family issues (positive
> or negative) much more frequently than the rest of the year. On the
> plus side, holidays pass and we get onto thinking about our own lives
> again. My suggestion would be to try and be 'kinder' to yourself,
> as much as possible during this difficult time. Treat yourself (and
> your immediate family) to some special things that you know will bring
> you joy....and maybe stay away from the activities that indicate "you
> need to be a loving functional family!!!!". You certainly are not
> alone with these feelings. My mother was the glue that held the family
> together so now....our celebrations aren't worse, they are just 'different'
> and I embrace the difference for what it is...remembering that these
> holidays, as well as feelings, will pass. They do every year. If you
> need to make adjustments in your family relationships, it is wise
> not to attempt to do that during the holiday season (with the heighened
> state of emotions) but wait to do it gradually throughout the rest
> of the year...when you may see things more objectively.
Yes, I admit I am a different person during the holidays. My Son died Nov 7, the holidays magnify the loss, His birthday is Jan 31. Those three months are very hard on me. You would think it would be better by now, it has been ten years, but it isnt. I cant wait for Feb. | cerealkiller
| | #19 posted October 27, 2009 at 2:54pm (EST) |
I guess in a way I feel 'lucky' not to have any strong feelings about humans. It is sad when loved ones die, but to me the sadness doesn't last long, like a day or two. Hmm, it's bothered me that Michael Jackson is dead longer than I ever pondered on a family member dieing.
I've seen my own daughter who is now 30 maybe six times since she was 3 years old. Means nothing to me. She's in Indiana and I'm in California. We hardly ever talk, email, or anything. No friction or problems, but hey that's the way it is.
My wife thinks I'm a robot and would hate to be me. I feel the same way about her and females in general. I'd go insane living my life dictated and imprisoned by emotions and moods. | labjog
| | #20 posted October 27, 2009 at 3:17pm (EST) |
Yes CK, it's a dog. | LindaH
| | #21 posted October 27, 2009 at 3:29pm (EST) |
I'd prefer neither of those two extremes. Being right in the middle is where it's at. | labjog
| | #22 posted October 27, 2009 at 8:30pm (EST) |
LindaH wrote:
> I'd prefer neither of those two extremes. Being right in the middle
> is where it's at.
I agree, I would love to be right in the middle. | bill 
| | #23 posted October 29, 2009 at 10:48am (EST) |
Here's some abstract advice...
Negative thoughts can feed on themselves. Worries, regrets, fears, insecurities are attention whores that want to build things up to rationalize their existence. Life sucks! But wait... life is also amazing and beautiful. We're surrounded by miracles. That we exist and can have this sense of existence is a staggering awesomeness. Life and nature are a great source of joy.
What we think about is a choice. How we interpret what we experience is a choice. It's not a simple choice and it can be hard to change what we're thinking about, but it's possible and with steady effort your perception and personality can make large leaps over time. You can choose to be happier, if you want. It actually takes more work to be unhappy than to be happy. Happiness comes from a simple outlook. Mental health can be like exercising. Do a little every day and after weeks and months go by, you'll realize you feel better.
So, try to monitor your thoughts a little. Maybe label them (negative or positive). If you find that you're focusing on negative things, try to take a step back mentally and force yourself to recognize the positives instead. Most situations have a mix of negative and positive aspects. Even with great tragedies and personal losses, death, there are silver linings. For example, we might see how strong the survivors are and admire that. Or, realize all the great things that the person who died did in their lifetime and be inspired by that. Forests burn down to a black smoky wasteland, but saplings are given an opportunity by this tragic event. Life has many cycles.
Well, that's how I try to think about it. I don't always succeed myself, but after some past slumps I think I'm doing better these days. I think connecting with other people is a another big aspect of happiness that can be elusive and seem impossible to change. But, then you make a new connection with someone or renew an old connection and possibilities seems endless again. Hang in there, try to stay open to change and see the opportunities, recognize the positives. I think it's also OK to indulge a little negativeness from time to time (it can make the positives seem stronger), but be careful about letting it build up too much. | LindaH
| | #24 posted October 29, 2009 at 12:03pm (EST) |
There goes that guy from the dreams, sharing words of wisdom again. | cerealkiller
| | #25 posted October 29, 2009 at 12:47pm (EST) |
bill wrote:
> Here's some abstract advice...
>
> Negative thoughts can feed on themselves. Worries,
> regrets, fears, insecurities are attention whores
> that want to build things up to rationalize their
> existence. Life sucks! But wait... life is also
> amazing and beautiful. We're surrounded by miracles.
> That we exist and can have this sense of existence
> is a staggering awesomeness. Life and nature are
> a great source of joy.
>
> What we think about is a choice. How we interpret
> what we experience is a choice. It's not a simple
> choice and it can be hard to change what we're
> thinking about, but it's possible and with steady
> effort your perception and personality can make
> large leaps over time. You can choose to be happier,
> if you want. It actually takes more work to be
> unhappy than to be happy. Happiness comes from
> a simple outlook. Mental health can be like exercising.
> Do a little every day and after weeks and months
> go by, you'll realize you feel better............
>
You sure you shouldn't have become a psychologist instead?
| labjog
| | #26 posted October 29, 2009 at 2:14pm (EST) |
bill wrote:
> Here's some abstract advice...
>
> Negative thoughts can feed on themselves. Worries, regrets, fears,
> insecurities are attention whores that want to build things up to
> rationalize their existence. Life sucks! But wait... life is also
> amazing and beautiful. We're surrounded by miracles. That we exist
> and can have this sense of existence is a staggering awesomeness.
> Life and nature are a great source of joy.
>
> What we think about is a choice. How we interpret what we experience
> is a choice. It's not a simple choice and it can be hard to change
> what we're thinking about, but it's possible and with steady effort
> your perception and personality can make large leaps over time. You
> can choose to be happier, if you want. It actually takes more work
> to be unhappy than to be happy. Happiness comes from a simple outlook.
> Mental health can be like exercising. Do a little every day and
> after weeks and months go by, you'll realize you feel better.
>
> So, try to monitor your thoughts a little. Maybe label them (negative
> or positive). If you find that you're focusing on negative things,
> try to take a step back mentally and force yourself to recognize the
> positives instead. Most situations have a mix of negative and positive
> aspects. Even with great tragedies and personal losses, death, there
> are silver linings. For example, we might see how strong the survivors
> are and admire that. Or, realize all the great things that the person
> who died did in their lifetime and be inspired by that. Forests burn
> down to a black smoky wasteland, but saplings are given an opportunity
> by this tragic event. Life has many cycles.
>
> Well, that's how I try to think about it. I don't always succeed
> myself, but after some past slumps I think I'm doing better these
> days. I think connecting with other people is a another big aspect
> of happiness that can be elusive and seem impossible to change. But,
> then you make a new connection with someone or renew an old connection
> and possibilities seems endless again. Hang in there, try to stay
> open to change and see the opportunities, recognize the positives.
> I think it's also OK to indulge a little negativeness from time to
> time (it can make the positives seem stronger), but be careful about
> letting it build up too much.
Thankyou bill, I'm going to print this  |
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