| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter  
| | #1 posted May 29, 2007 at 8:55pm (EST) |
A woman applies for a job at the plant where the doll Tickle Me Elmo is made.
The plant manager explains that there aren’t any openings on the assembly line but anticipates some changes. He takes the woman to the assembly line and gives her a minor task to perform.
After a few minutes on the line there’s a disturbance and assembly stops. When the plant manager goes to investigate he finds the newly hired woman with some red material and a bag of marbles.
“I think you misunderstood me.” The plant manager explains. “I told you to stand at the end of the assembly line and give Elmo a couple of ‘Test tickles!’”
| EyesOfCharisma
| | #472 posted July 23, 2008 at 12:02pm (EST) |
Frostbrand wrote:
I'm also often
> perplexed by the TV cliche of the mother-in-law always hating their
> son's wife to some degree (ala Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond).
> My Mom would never act like that.
My boyfriends mom is EXACTLY like that, she is an evil wretch. | Melf  
| | #473 posted July 23, 2008 at 5:48pm (EST) |
I just got sent this (I never get sent jokes):
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection.
His depression is made worse by the fact that from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of:
'Here I come again...ONE TWO THREE... UUH!'
All night long.
In the morning the second dwarfs asks the first, 'How did it go?'
The first mutters: 'It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on.'
The second dwarf shook his head.
'You think that's embarrassing? I couldn't even get on the fudging bed.' | Irene007 
| | #474 posted July 24, 2008 at 10:41pm (EST) |
EyesOfCharisma wrote:
> Frostbrand wrote:
> I'm also often
>> perplexed by the TV cliche of the mother-in-law always hating their
>> son's wife to some degree (ala Marie on Everybody Loves Raymond).
>> My Mom would never act like that.
>
> My boyfriends mom is EXACTLY like that, she is an evil wretch.
Wanna know something funny? I'm a Mom-in-law and my son-in-law brags about me at work! Ya just can't pigeon-hole me!  | Matty 
| #475 posted July 25, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST)
edited July 25, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
An elderly couple who are about to reach their 50th wedding anniversary are sitting in their living room chatting about their lives together over the last 50 years. Finally the topic turns to sex, and the old man says “You know, in almost 50 years of marriage, you have never given me a blow job.”
Old lady: Oh, come on, women of our generation don’t do that sort of thing; you know how women who do that are looked upon by our generation.
Old man: Yes, I do know, but after 50 years, don’t you think it’s a little silly to hold onto that belief?
Old lady: I guess so, but I want you to assure me that you won’t think differently of me after I do it.
Old man: Don’t be silly; you’re my wife of 50 years; I love you. But just let me scrub my nuts; the last bath I had was this morning.
Old lady: Now who’s being silly?
The old lady blows the old man feverishly; I mean she really gets into it, and it’s one of the best sexual experiences the old man has ever had. Just as they sit back down on the couch and start to hold hands, the phone rings…and rings…and rings. Finally, the old man, a little bit annoyed says to his wife “Well, aren’t you going to answer the phone…you dirty cretin?”
| Otter
| | #476 posted July 27, 2008 at 9:24am (EST) |
A cowboy was in court trying to get medical expenses back after having been in a major car accident. The judge, looking at the cowboy with his neck brace, his leg in a cast, and all that, was nonetheless skeptical.
"You are on record as telling the state trooper that you were fine at the scene. Can you explain that, son?"
"Well, it went something like this, yer honor. I was haulin' my horse back from the rodeo, then that big ol' semi smashed into me. I was thrown out of my ol' pickup truck to one side of the road, and my horse on the other. After laying there awhile, I heard a loud bang. Then the trooper came to me an' said, 'yer horse was hurt, so I had to shoot him. How are you?'"
| Otter
| | #477 posted July 28, 2008 at 10:20pm (EST) |
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
| Otter
| | #478 posted July 29, 2008 at 8:41am (EST) |
DEAR ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged
gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two
women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their
apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My
VCR?
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby
I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for
two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half
the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
I've suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted
with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a
good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every
week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one
night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered I think she is going
through mental pause.
Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him
to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now
what do I do?
Remember these people can vote!!
| FauxLo
| #479 posted July 30, 2008 at 5:51pm (EST)
edited July 30, 2008 at 5:52pm (EST) |
*Knock-knock*
Who's there?
Procrastinator!
Procrastinator who?
(this joke will be finished at a later date) | Irene007
| | #480 posted July 30, 2008 at 7:47pm (EST) |
 | cloudhugger 
| | #481 posted July 30, 2008 at 7:57pm (EST) |
| Otter
| | #482 posted July 31, 2008 at 5:58pm (EST) |
A Redneck from Texas walked into a bank in New York City
and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer
that he was going to Bakersfield on business for two
weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a
depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some
form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over
the keys to a new Ferrari.The car was parked on the street
in front of the bank. The Redneck produced the title and
everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the
car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to
charge 12% interest. Later, the bank's president and its
officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from the
south for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a
$5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari
into the bank's underground garage and parked it.Two
weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and
the interest of $23.07. The loan officer said, "Sir,
we are very happy to have had your business, and this
transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little
puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found
that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The Texas Redneck replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my
Farrari for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I come back?"
| Irene007
| | #483 posted July 31, 2008 at 10:35pm (EST) |
Good one!!! | cloudhugger
| | #484 posted August 3, 2008 at 12:32am (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #485 posted August 3, 2008 at 10:49am (EST) |
A Nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.
After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke.
Well, Sister, this looks pretty grim.'
'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two.'
'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'
'Anything, Father.'
'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'
'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'
The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.
'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?' She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.
'Father, could I ask something of you?'
'Yes, Sister?'
'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'
'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.
'Oh Father, may I touch it?'
The priest consented and after a few minutes of her fondling he was sporting a huge erection.
'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life.'
'Is that true Father?'
'Yes, it is, Sister.'
'Oh Father, that's wonderful Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!' | cloudhugger
| | #486 posted August 4, 2008 at 8:39am (EST) |
| cloudhugger
| | #487 posted August 4, 2008 at 9:43am (EST) |
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas
station that was closed for the night. They
approached one of the gas pumps and the younger
alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We
come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of
response.
The older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated
his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed
by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty
attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently,
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not
ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will
fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying,
"You probably don't want to do that! I really don't
think you should make him mad."
"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed
his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a
huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards
them and blew the younger alien off his feet and
deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards
away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he
finally regained consciousness, he refocused his
three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and
looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was
standing over him shaking his big, green head.
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you
know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly
feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's
one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a guy who can
loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then
stick it in his ear."
| cloudhugger
| | #488 posted August 4, 2008 at 10:00am (EST) |
Bubbles and Barbie, two blonde sisters, had promised their Uncle, who had
been a seafaring gentleman all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away; and the two blondes kept their
promise.
They set off from New London, CT with their uncle all stitched up in a burial
bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Bubbles says, 'Do you think we're out far
enough, Barbie?'
Barbie slipped over the side; and finding the water only knee deep said, Nope, not yet, Bubbles.'
So they rowed a little farther.... Again Bubbles asked Barbie, 'Do you think were out far enough now?
Once again Barbie slipped over the side and almost immediately said, 'No,
this will never do, the water is only up to my chest.
So on they rowed and rowed and rowed; and finally Barbie slipped over the
side and disappeared.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Bubbles was really getting worried,
when suddenly Barbie broke the surface.
Gasping for breath she said, 'OK, it's finally deep enough.
Hand me the shovel.'
| Irene007
| | #489 posted August 4, 2008 at 3:53pm (EST) |
*double* | Otter
| | #490 posted August 5, 2008 at 8:35am (EST) |
HER DIARY:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.
Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk.. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; he said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior
I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep -
I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
Harley wouldn't start today, but at least I got laid. | Irene007
| | #491 posted August 5, 2008 at 12:52pm (EST) |
Are we such complicated creatures? | cloudhugger
| | #492 posted August 5, 2008 at 7:03pm (EST) |
| Otter
| | #493 posted August 7, 2008 at 1:37pm (EST) |
Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, I no come work
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything
better and I go to work.. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "I do what You
say and I feel Great! I be at work soon.........
You got Nice house"
| Irene007
| #494 posted August 8, 2008 at 12:56am (EST)
edited August 8, 2008 at 12:56am (EST) |
...and you outta Bourbon in your bar! | Irene007
| | #495 posted August 8, 2008 at 10:34am (EST) |
A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you Three Wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention the condition to your Wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis
whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM - she’s the most beautiful woman in the world!
For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you." The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."
So, KAZAM - she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women are clever. Don't mess with them!!!
Attention female readers: This is the end of the Joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down…
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Women think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the Show!!!
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!! | cloudhugger
| | #496 posted August 8, 2008 at 4:26pm (EST) |
poo | Irene007
| #497 posted August 9, 2008 at 3:45am (EST)
edited August 9, 2008 at 3:47am (EST) |
I love these anti-women jokes! They're so funny! It reminds me of a couple of my favourites;
When God created man, he stood back, took a deep breath of satisfaction and admired his creation. Eventually, he felt that man was lonely and decided to create a mate for his perfect creation. He took a rib from Adam and created a woman. He stood back, took a deep breath, thought a bit, looked again and said; "Aw fudge it! She can always wear make-up!"
Another of my favourites;
When God created man, he felt that he was too lonely so he created a woman from his rib. When Adam saw Eve, his natural instincts kicked in and he took her to a bush to procreate. When they were done, Eve went to the river to clean herself and God said; "Awww Crap! Now how am I going to get that smell off of the fish!?!" | Otter
| | #498 posted August 10, 2008 at 8:45pm (EST) |
The back pew:
A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.
After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us." Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a
Gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers." | cloudhugger
| | #499 posted August 11, 2008 at 8:14am (EST) |
snicker | Otter
| | #500 posted August 12, 2008 at 6:03am (EST) |
A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He asks, "What are you doing?"
She answers, : "I'm moving to New York . I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."
A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase.
When she asks him where he is going, he replies,
"I'm coming too. I want to see how you live on $800 a year." | Irene007
| | #501 posted August 12, 2008 at 10:52am (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #502 posted August 13, 2008 at 9:21am (EST) |
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?'
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my
parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!'
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body Part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?'
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!'
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?'
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.'
Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
One, you have a dirty mind.
Two, you didn't read your homework.
And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed'
| Irene007
| | #503 posted August 14, 2008 at 11:32am (EST) |
EMBARRASSING MEDICAL MOMENTS
1. A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,' I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,' replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA
3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg
4. During a patient's two-week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. 'Which one?' I asked. 'The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress, and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion, she answered...'Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR
6. I was caring for a woman and asked, 'So, how's your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste,' the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI
7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said, 'Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
Submitted by RN, no name
AND FINALLY!!!...
8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.'
Doctor wouldn't submit his name (Can't blame him!) | Irene007
| | #504 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
| EyesOfCharisma
| | #505 posted August 14, 2008 at 3:42pm (EST) |
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue
Service, ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*POOF*
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where
I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*POOF*
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. | EyesOfCharisma
| | #506 posted August 14, 2008 at 3:54pm (EST) |
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
“Oh, dad,” the boy sobs. “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really fudge, I’ll have nothing left to live for.” | Irene007
| | #507 posted August 15, 2008 at 3:17am (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #508 posted August 15, 2008 at 3:18am (EST) |
Ya gotta laugh EOC! It doens't cost a thing! Chin up Babe! Don't let all the hard times mess up the simple good times that happen every moment... | EyesOfCharisma
| | #509 posted August 15, 2008 at 8:53am (EST) |
I am trying  | Otter
| | #510 posted August 18, 2008 at 8:54am (EST) |
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
| Irene007
| | #511 posted August 18, 2008 at 1:25pm (EST) |
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
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