| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted May 29, 2007 at 8:55pm (EDT) |
A woman applies for a job at the plant where the doll Tickle Me Elmo is made.
The plant manager explains that there aren’t any openings on the assembly line but anticipates some changes. He takes the woman to the assembly line and gives her a minor task to perform.
After a few minutes on the line there’s a disturbance and assembly stops. When the plant manager goes to investigate he finds the newly hired woman with some red material and a bag of marbles.
“I think you misunderstood me.” The plant manager explains. “I told you to stand at the end of the assembly line and give Elmo a couple of ‘Test tickles!’”
| Otter
| | #2 posted May 29, 2007 at 9:33pm (EDT) |
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five-iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to you?"
"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when, at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture. We went to look for them and while I was looking around, I noticed one of the cows had something white in its rear end. I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'
I don't remember much after that..."
| LindaH  
| | #3 posted May 29, 2007 at 9:39pm (EDT) |
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhinocerous?
Ell-if-i-no! | they  
| | #4 posted May 29, 2007 at 10:37pm (EDT) |
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because it was dead. | cabinfever
| | #5 posted May 31, 2007 at 10:39pm (EDT) |
*A Woman's Poem*
He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake.
He said my biscuits were too hard...
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do.
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and smacked the crap out of him...
Like his mother used to do.
| cerealkiller
| | #6 posted June 1, 2007 at 12:58pm (EDT) |
work/prison
Just in case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear:
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8 x 10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6 x 8 cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers. | Otter
| | #7 posted June 3, 2007 at 1:53am (EDT) |
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are
all excited about their decision to get married. They go for
a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass
a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the
owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes
for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry." | Otter
| | #8 posted June 6, 2007 at 9:43am (EDT) |
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.
The husband said, "Who was that?"
The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the
coast is clear."
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on
the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the
mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."
The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!"
So the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and
buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens
the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is
really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she
does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her
head.
The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!"
The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals.
She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was
pregnant?
"Is it mine?"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe
vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision
George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house
ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and
reported the crime
The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9
unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer
approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the
porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on
the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find
all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they
do?
They send me a BLIND policeman."
Ok. Now forward this to someone else who needs a laugh today!!! :)
| RGirl
| #9 posted June 8, 2007 at 10:07pm (EDT)
edited June 8, 2007 at 10:08pm (EDT) |
Not favorites but this is what I got-
Goodbye Mom
A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.
She finally overtook him at the checkout. She turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease; it's just that you look so much like my late son."
He answered, "That's okay."
"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."
She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store, The man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."
The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him.
Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.
"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk.
"How come so much? I only bought 5 items!"
The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your mother said
you'd be paying for her things, too."
-------------------------------------------------------------------
DA VINCI CODE
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:
It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least three thousand years old!
The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings.
The President of the society pointed to first drawing and said: "This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.
The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them."
Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that if a famine hit the earth and food didn't grow, they seek food from the sea. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews.
The audience applauded enthusiastically.
Then a little old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,
"Idiots, Hebrew is read from right to left......
It says: 'Holy Mackerel, Dig The Ass On That Chic
---------------------------------------------------------
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and
exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking
him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?"
"Oh no, "I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very
unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, fishing, sailing,
hiking, or bicycling?""No, I don't," I said.
He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said.
He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a crap?"
| cabinfever
| | #10 posted June 8, 2007 at 11:59pm (EDT) |
I loved those, Pennyann... especially that last one... I'm gonna copy and paste... | Otter
| | #11 posted June 9, 2007 at 7:51am (EDT) |
A United States Marine boards a train in France. He walks the whole length of the train looking for an open seat, none to be found. He notices a woman with a poodle sitting in the seat next to her, he politely asks if he can have the seat the poodle is using.
“Me Fifi is using that seat!” The French woman announced.
The Marine walks the length of the train again looking for an un-occupied seat, finding nothing, he returns to the French woman with the poodle.
“Would you please let me sit here, and your poodle can sit on my lap?” The marine asked.
“You Americans are so rude! Why should my Fifi give up her seat for a rude American!” The French woman said.
The Marine grabbed the poodle by the neck, tossed it out the window and sat in the seat.
“This vulgar American just threw my Fifi out the window!” The French woman screamed. “Somebody do something! Somebody do something!”
The English gentleman sitting across the isle from the Marine and the French woman stood up an announced, “You Americans have such a knack for doing the wrong thing. You live on the wrong side of the ocean, you drive on the wrong side of the road, you eat with your fork in the wrong hand, and now sir, you’re tossed the wrong dog out the window!”
| Otter
| | #12 posted June 10, 2007 at 8:00am (EDT) |
Many will recall that on July 8th. 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the United States Air Force and the United States Government.
However, what you may not know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after the date of the crash near Roswell, George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfelt, Bill O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh, Condolezza Rice, and Dan Quayle were born.
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep. | Otter
| | #13 posted June 12, 2007 at 6:55pm (EDT) |
Would You Remarry?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife
looks over at him and asks the question...
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (With a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewelry?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would she use my golf clubs?"
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
| Otter
| | #14 posted June 12, 2007 at 7:13pm (EDT) |
After spring vacation the teacher brought a bag of salt water taffy to school.
She told each student in her class that they could have a piece, and if they correctly identified the flavor they could have a second piece.
Mary was chewing her piece and said, "Mine's chocolate!" the teacher told her, "That's correct." and gave Mary a second piece.
Fred was chewing his piece and said, "Mine's cherry!" The teacher gave him a second piece and told him he was correct.
Sue said, "Mine's banana!" the teacher told her she was correct and gave her a second piece. Billy was chewing his piece and said, "I don't know what flavor this is."
the teacher said, "I'll give you a hint. It's something your mother gives your father in the morning before he goes to work." Billy kept chewing and thinking about it.
Then Eddie jumped up and yelled. "Spit it out, Billy! It's a piece of ass!"
| Otter
| | #15 posted June 12, 2007 at 7:18pm (EDT) |
Sitting in the tavern having a few drinks after work, a Chinese man and a Jewish man at the bar. The jewish man suddenly slaps the Chinese man in the back of the head.
"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.
The Jewish man replied, "That was for Pearl Harbour!"
The Chinese man says, "That was the Japanese you idiot! I'm Chinese!"
"Japanese, Chinese, you're all the same to me." the Jewish man replied.
After another round of drinks the Chinese man slapped the Jewish man in the back of the head. "What was that for?" the Jewish man asked.
"That was for sinking the Titanic!" the Chinese man answered.
The Jewish man said, "You idiot! The Titanic hit an iceberg!"
The Chinese man responded, "Iceberg, Goldburg, all the same to me!" | Otter
| | #16 posted June 12, 2007 at 7:25pm (EDT) |
The old miser, lying on his deathbed, called for his Doctor, Priest, and Lawyer. The Doctor, Priest and Lawyer gathered around the old man's bed and he told them; "Gentlemen, I am dying. For years people have called me frugal and said I couldn't take my money with me when I die. But I'm going to try." The old miser handed each of the men an envelope. "Each of these envelopes contains one hundred thousand dollars in cash. At my funeral I want each of you to place your envelope in my casket before it is closed for the last time."
After the funeral, the Priest, Doctor, and Lawyer were riding in the limousine coming back from the cemetery. The priest, overcome with guilt says; "Gentlemen, I have a confession to make. I took thirty thousand dollars out of my envelope for my church."
The doctor hung his head and said; "I too, must confess, I removed sixty thousand dollars from my envelope for my clinic."
The Lawyer looked at the Priest and Doctor and said; "Gentlemen, I'm shocked that you could have been dishonest to a man on his deathbed! The envelope I put in his casket contained my personal check for the full amount!" | Otter
| | #17 posted June 12, 2007 at 7:33pm (EDT) |
1. The Post Office just recalled their latest stamps.
They had pictures of lawyers on them, and people couldn't figure out
which side to spit on.
2. How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.
3. How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side, and then he lies on the other.
4. How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only One. The rest are true stories.
5. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
How many can you afford?
6. How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder, one to shake it, and one to sue the
ladder company.
7. If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could save only
one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
8. What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.
9. What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.
10. What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.
11. What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50 ?
Your honor.
12. What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
13. What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
14. What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig won't do.
15. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
16. What's another difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Removable wing tips.
17. Why does California have the most lawyers in the country while New
Jersey has the most toxic waste sites?
New Jersey got first choice. | Otter
| | #18 posted June 12, 2007 at 7:44pm (EDT) |
Once upon a time there were three little pigs. The first little pig built his house out of straw, the second little pig built his house out of sticks, and the third little pig built his house out of bricks. Union Masons no doubt.
One day the big bad wolf came to the straw house and said; "Open up! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!"
The first little pig said, "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
The wolf huffed and puffed and blew the house down. The first little pig managed to slip out the back door as the wolf blew the house apart, and ran to his neighbor's house.
The wolf came to the house made of sticks where the first and second little pigs were hiding inside, and he said, "Open up! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!"
The second little pig said, "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!"
So the wolf huffed and puffed and he blew the house down. The first and second little pigs managed to slip out the back door and run over to the neighbor's house.
The wolf came to the brick house and said, "Open up! Or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!"
The third little pig said, "Not by the hair on my chinny chin chin!" He picked up the telephone and made a call, telling his two neighbors,"l'll take care of this wolf!"
A couple of minutes later a black Cadillac pulled up in front of the third little pig's brick house. Four pigs got out of the Cadillac with baseball bats and beat the snot out of the wolf, breaking all four of his legs and leaving him in a puddle of blood in front of the brick house. Those were the Guinea Pigs.
| Otter
| | #19 posted June 13, 2007 at 2:32pm (EDT) |
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Coming' and I grinned."
"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling', and I had to smile."
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and could hardly contain myself."
"BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."
"CASE DISMISSED!"
| RGirl
| | #20 posted June 14, 2007 at 7:31pm (EDT) |
Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day.
Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of
money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico "Frank thinks this is
a great idea,so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a
tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the
square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins
to assemble. Slowly, more And more people gather to watch them
at work.
When they had finished, there was such a crowd, they thought
it would be
a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps.
She bounces at the end of the cord, but when she comes back
up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls
again, bounces, and comes back up again. This time, she is bruised
and bleeding. Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and
bounces back up. This time, she comes back pretty messed up
--she's got a couple of brokenBones and is almost
unconscious. Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says,"What happened?
Was the cord too long?"
Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No, the Bungee
cord was fine...it was the crowd!....What the f*ck is a
piñata?!"
| Melf 
| | #21 posted June 15, 2007 at 2:25am (EDT) |
 | Otter
| | #22 posted June 16, 2007 at 8:17am (EDT) |
A Mexican, an Iraqi, and a redneck girl are in the same bar.
When the Mexican finishes his beer, he throws his glass
in the air, pulls out his pistol, and shoots the glass to pieces. He
says, "In Mexico our glasses are so cheap we don't need to drink with
the same one twice."
The Iraqi, obviously impressed by this, drinks his beer
throws his glass into the air, pulls out his AK-47, and shoots the glass
to pieces. He says, "In Iraq we have so much sand to make glasses that
we don't need to drink with the same one twice either.
The redneck girl, cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
downs it in one draft, throws the glass into the air, whips out her .45,
and shoots the Mexican and the Iraqi. Catching her glass, setting it on
the bar, and calling for a refill, she says, "In America we have so many
illegal Mexicans and Arabs that we don't have to drink with the same
ones twice."
God Bless America !
| RGirl
| | #23 posted June 21, 2007 at 10:17pm (EDT) |
Mature threesome... I met this older woman at a bar last night. She wasn't bad for 57 year old, we drank and bullcrapted a bit, then she asked if I'd ever had the 'sportsman's double', a mother and daughter threesome?
I said, “ No.”
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night. I went back to her place. She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs, "Mom you still awake?" | cabinfever
| | #24 posted June 22, 2007 at 12:13am (EDT) |
Oh crap!!! LOL!! I've gotta copy and paste that one. | Otter
| | #25 posted June 22, 2007 at 2:04pm (EDT) |
A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are 1st graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don't change horses ........................until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ......................................bug is close.
3. It's always darkest before ....................Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ......................... termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ............................. how?
6. Don't bite the hand that ................................... looks dirty.
7. No news is.................................,,,,,,,,....... ...... impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a ...................,,,,,,,...................... Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new ............................... math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you'll ........... stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust......................,,,,,,,,,,............. ..............me.
12. The pen is mightier than the.....,,,,.............................pigs.
13. An idle mind is......................,,,....... the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ....,,........................ pollution.
15. Happy is the bride who...................... gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is ...............,,,,......................... not much.
17. Two's company, three's ............................ the Musketeers.
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what ..... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and................
You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ......................... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ......... spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed .................. get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind .............. get out of the way.
And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than.............................,,,,............ pregnant.
| RGirl
| | #26 posted June 22, 2007 at 6:27pm (EDT) |
A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the fire station when He notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
Ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the Middle.
The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
By her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer
Look.
"That sure is a nice fire truck" he said with admiration.
"Thanks" the little girl said.
The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied
The wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.
"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
To run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too, I think you could go faster."
The little girl replies thoughtfully,"You're probably right, but then
I wouldn't have a siren.......... | Irene007 
| | #27 posted June 23, 2007 at 12:48pm (EDT) |
That was totally enjoyable! I want more... | Otter
| | #28 posted June 26, 2007 at 9:52pm (EDT) |
some old some new but i got a kick out of a few of them
1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
The Tame Way.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The HIll Out Of It. (I love that one!)
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroid's.
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick.
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko.
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?!
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!... A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
| disgruntledtrucker
| | #29 posted June 27, 2007 at 8:22pm (EDT) |
funny ass crap i say | RGirl
| | #30 posted June 27, 2007 at 11:50pm (EDT) |
Not really jokes but interesting-
A few years ago someone browsing through the 40th Anniversary Issue of
Reader's Digest (dated Feb. 1962) came across this reprint from the
Washington News and found it quite interesting in light of our current
debates.
The quote reads: 'Vice President Lyndon Johnson received the following message from a Native American Indian Chief on a reservation: 'Be careful with your immigration laws. We were very careless with ours '.'
All these examples do NOT imply that gasoline is cheap;
it just illustrates how outrageous some prices are....
You will be really shocked by the last one!!!!
(At least, I was...)
Compared with Gasoline......
Think a gallon of gas is expensive?
This makes one think, and also puts things in perspective.
1. Diet Snapple 16 oz $1.29 ... $10.32 per gallon
2. Lipton Ice Tea 16 oz $1.19 ..........$9.52 per gallon
3. Gatorade 20 oz $1.59 .... $10.17 per gallon
4. Ocean Spray 16 oz $1.25 . $10.00 per gallon
5. Brake Fluid 12 oz $3.15 . $33.60 per gallon
6. Vick's Nyquil 6 oz $8.35 ... $178.13 per gallon
7. Pepto Bismol 4 oz $3.85 .. $123.20 per gallon
8. Whiteout 7 oz $1.39 ....... . $25.42 per gallon
9. Scope 1.5 oz $0.99 .....$84.48 per gallon
And this is the REAL KICKER...
10. Evian water 9 oz $1.49..........$21.19 per gallon!
$21.19 for WATER and the buyers don't even know the
source. (Evian spelled backwards is Naive.)
Ever wonder why printers are so cheap? So they have
you hooked for the ink. Someone calculated the c ost of
the ink at.............you won't believe it but it
true......................
11. $5,200 a gal. (five thousand two hundred dollars)
So, the next time you're at the pump, be glad your car
doesn't run on water, Scope, or Whiteout, Pepto
Bismol, Nyquil or Goodness forbid, Printer Ink!!!!!
Just a little humor to help ease the pain of your next
trip to the pump...
| cabinfever
| | #31 posted June 30, 2007 at 1:25am (EDT) |
Yeah, but... I don't buy Nyquil by the gallon. | cabinfever
| | #32 posted June 30, 2007 at 1:26am (EDT) |
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
" Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here's why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.
That's 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper,
I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That's 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That's 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That's 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That's 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That's 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don't think so! | verouge
| | #33 posted June 30, 2007 at 8:19am (EDT) |
I like this....
hahahaha
| Irene007
| | #34 posted July 1, 2007 at 9:40am (EDT) |
Otter wrote:
>
> 13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
> A Nervous Wreck.
>
What's huge, pink and sweeps the bottom of the ocean?
Moby's dick. | verouge
| | #35 posted July 1, 2007 at 12:19pm (EDT) |
DUH!!!
anybody under 18 here?
| Otter
| #36 posted July 4, 2007 at 4:24pm (EDT)
edited July 4, 2007 at 4:26pm (EDT) |
A man from Vermont goes to Texas to visit his friend, his friend takes him to a private club for a few drinks. The man from Vermont orders a shot and a beer, the bartender puts a 6 oz. glass of whiskey in front of him.
"I wanted a shot!" The Vermont man says.
"That is a shot!" The bartender tells him, "We do everything big in Texas."
The bartender puts a pitcher of beer in front of the man from Vermont.
"That's a beer?" The Vermont man asks.
"That's a beer." The bartender tells him, "We do everything big in Texas."
The Vermont man orders a cheeseburger, when the cheeseburger arrives it covers the plate, a half inch thick and eight inches across.
"Wow! That's a huge cheeseburger!" The Vermont man says.
"We do everything big in Texas!" The bartender tells him.
After eating part of the cheeseburger, drinking the shot, and some of the beer, the Vermont man asks the bartender where the mens room is.
The bartender tells him, "Second door on the right." Pointing at a hallway.
The Vermont man walks into the hallway, opens the second door on the left and falls into a swimming pool. His yelling and thrashing about in the water brings the bartender running.
As he looks up from the water and sees the bartender standing in the doorway, he yells, "Don't flush it! Don't flush it!" | Irene007
| | #37 posted July 4, 2007 at 4:50pm (EDT) |
| verouge
| | #38 posted July 4, 2007 at 5:44pm (EDT) |
hahaha | Otter
| | #39 posted July 6, 2007 at 2:43pm (EDT) |
How many Northwest pilots does it take to fly an MD80?
Two and a fifth. | cerealkiller
| | #40 posted July 6, 2007 at 5:12pm (EDT) |
Two pollacks were driving east across the country.
When they got to Texas they saw a sign that read "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD," so when they got to the filling station, they pulled in, got out of their car, and started cleaning the restrooms!
As they traveled further east, they found it difficult to make any progress because there were so many "CLEAN RESTROOMS AHEAD" signs along the way.
When they finally arrived in Alabama, they came across a sign that read "WANTED!!! Two Mexican males for rape!"
The two pollacks looked at each other and thought, "Damn! those Mexicans get all the good jobs!"
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