Talk to yourself out loud in public.

Good. i get to try out that blue candle tonight. glad i didn't poison myself making it. radio chats about the merging of buddhism and psychotherapy on the topic of western culture low self esteem. I never came out ot you much, because you didn't seem to need help, weren't ripe for a new stage of enlightenment, and didn't exhibit anything that trigger my personal interests. I like people who throw their eccentricities up for everyone to play with. The more we display, the more we can interact with. It takes an effort. That was one more subsidiary of this survey. wonder what goes on over there. FB's been around so long, and i've paid so little attention. Dig those initials, yet another reason why i think FBI when those viruses hit.

meeting new, learing something new, sounds good. need that also. have one friend close by, don't talk to her much though, all of a sudden we seem to not be on the same page like we were befroe. you're the only one i talk to on a regular basis.weird. saad. would like more frinds.or just one friend. something. would like to learn something new too.scotty's calling right now, wonder what's up. ahh drfrag the computer for him when i'm done here. this thing needs it w/ all of the tweaking he's been doing to it lately. good for him though, he's really smart like that, a little impatient though and jumps around a lot. alright though. tried reading a book by zukav, his newest book, the heart of the soul it's called. but started it, and it's the same thing i already know. good to refresh the brain a bit, but want new. something that hasn't yet occured to me yet. maybe just need to read a story. stories are good. just recently saw one flew over the cukoo's nest, good movie, but would've liked to have read it, although it really stressed me out. sucked me in. the picture above the bed like i said is sort of like a tunnel, a great big golden sun type looking thing suspended in a blue vastness w/ a little black. need the black i believe. the unknown the uncharted. i told scotty that we are going to california next summer. he said that we should just move there then. i forgot that we had talked about that possibility before. but he said that that would only happen when he doesn't like his job anymore, who knows if that'll happen or when or what, but going to california. i can't wait. is it next summer yet? just got a package from dabprovin yesterday. she is far too sweet. i just love her. so nice she is. but i feel bad, for i've been meaning to get a pack of pics out to her, been putting that off for a couple of weeks now, and here she goes and beats me again!! she sent us a house warming gift too, why does she do that? love her. look forward to meeting her, and you and seeing the ocean and hugging a redwood, and seeing my friend katie, and maybe contacting some friends liz and alex. that would be greaqt. would love to live out there, i miss katie. i think that it's almost time for us to be together again. some part of thinks that us moving to california will become a reality sooner than we think. rambling, no. interesting stuff for sure. scotty's gramma has a veiw on the 9/11 thing. she livees inthe mountain of colorado, a very magical and special spot, she was there before in life before, so was scotty, so were his children. she sadi that her neighbor just died minutes before the planes hit, she thinks that he died to show all of those folks the way. to where thay are supposed to go. not sure what else her take on it was, but sounded good to me. i feel that things are getting worse also. very stagnant and more juck to cut through to the places that were so easily accessable before. teleportaion, just said something abou that on the news last night. they are very close to being able to transmit solid matter. cool. have i traveled lately? where did i go? was there a purpose? what is my purpose? to care for child? to help heal scotty? something greater? something less? lost. society can do that. living in a town w/ electrcicty running water. without is that the answer? will i find the purpose? sigh. i don't know how dabprovin pays for it all, but i know that she has spent a pretty penny on us in shipping. she's so good...send her lots of hugs. oils eh? jewels jamerson 165 e.capitol drive hartland, wi 53029......cool thanks! would love if you mixed something up for me, no requests on my part, not sure what prpose is either. love? protection? spiritual insights? i don't know. a good energy i guess. little drops of love on my skin, i like that. coffee. coffee. pinnacle of indian thought, a book on my shelf that has been calling to me for a while. maybe should just listen and read it. ignored it and tried reading this yoga book....good ideals on meditation and such stuff i know, but is a book for the dedicated. i can't seem to commit to something like that. be dedicated to one thing and one thing only, deedicated to stuff though, child husband family love light laughter, is there more? gotta be more. there is always more. where to look? where to find? library today. park today too. swing on the swings. kiddo likes that. i like to swing too. feel free in the sky. good to get out and go for a walk. need that. need to call my mom this morning. caaaar's getting fixed this week. cleaning again, always cleaning. still have stuff to put away from when i was up by my folks. chainsaw? weed eater? birds. caars. child. sesame street. time to get off this thing. my time is done for the day. hugs to her and love. anxious to meet her and give her a real hug. have a great one i say

Well, I got up at 11:30 last night. That's a lot better than it could be. You need energy from physical people; I'll only put you on a cloud somewhere. t and I seem to have left the same page. We used to not want to end our calls, but now we start off wondering what to talk about. When things are working (at least for me), there's no possible shortage of things to talk about, probably even if we were just born together on the moon. Same guy who wrote 'seat of the soul'? I read that one in about 40 seconds. I just saw that painting you describe a couple hours ago. (and that black african mask (reminded me of joke about S tallking with satan.)) My screensaver is a slideshow program that randomly goes through my 100's of graphics files. Cuckoos Nest is not positive energy. back on compassion via suffering. I hope you do move hear. I think you'd like it. Santa Cruz would be excellent for you folks, though it's rather costly these days. Near-by computer industry incomes did that. So what color did you get your name in? do i even recall her name? J? Looks at that photo. no blue. guitar painting seems to relate to orange painting on wall. both look a bit uterine. and here i am looking to live somewhere without electricity or running water (need an internet connection though.) *puts on second coat of tangerine polish* thinks about politics on radio, and how T's doldrums could be related to iraq issues. relates love drops to B's energy, tears, sperm, particle auras. Considers making a coffee oil. dang, i don't even have coffee, not since way back in santa cruz, and that was D's. I was thinking again last night to put a swing in our tree for some of the neighbor kids. everyone would probably be worried about a lawsuit or something though. Hugs back. I must have been really low energy to not say that yesterday. I'm sort of strange, as i drop into low energy, about all i'm good for is scientific/theoretical research, nothing emotional. and yes, there's vastly more, but love is love. We have eternity to figure things out, but our time here is short.

I appreciate your comments, I'm really going to try and make a conscience effort not to hold back and put more of my personality out there. And it was very nice to "meet" you.

Cool, but why wait? Who the heck are you? What do you do. Do you love the sound of tires squealing? Do you worry about which shoe to tie first, or buy velcro because it reminds you of astronauts? ¥"Looks like our microphones are working today." '¥' is my indication that i'm quoting what's on my radio that second, in case you haven't spotted that technique of mine.

yeah, something physical for sure. that's why i'm thinking that we should go to cali. my friend kt and i talk for hours, about everything. miss that. used to sit up late and talk and smoke. it would be always one more cigarette, then i'll go, type of thing...loved that. miss that. scotty is way attracted to her though...so insecure i am. need to work on that. i know that it must come from me and someone else. hard thing to do though when your whole life you thought of yourself as fat and ugly. when i look back at some pics of myself, i get mad that i wasted my thoughts on that when i clearly wasn't either at the time. that's why i don't call my friend anymore...i have nothing to say to her. strange. we chatted on messenger this morning for like a minute, really no lie. it was so cordial i could'a puked, strange how one minute my heart totally ached to be out in this neighborhood to be close to her, now i just want to get away, although we do live less than 2 miles apart right now. it seems like we live 4 hours apart. weird weird stuff. tis ok, but a little lonely. but have been working on things w/ scotty. we've been getting along rather well lately. which is a good thing. i want to be in love w/ him again like i was at the beginning when everything was new and almost overwhelming because i knew that this is the person i was searching for for 21 years, no lie there. but i am in love w/ him but in a different way than at the beginning. we're more comfortable w/ each other and almost like friends. good thing. i would like him to talk to me as much as he talks to his BF, which just so happens to be my freinds hub. strange stuff i tell you. yeah...the same guy who wrote seat of the soul, i never read it for i imagine that i already know and would be bored. picked up a book by art bell today at the library called the quickening and also a book entitled wise women, a book about all the wonderful insights written by women. i found something insteresting in this horoscope site i check out. it's about why i feel the way i do right now, why i feel stgnant, has somethingto do w/ the way a couple of planets are aligned in my chart right now. i would like to share w/ you if you are interested, i was thinking about doing a cut and paste job to show you, isn't too long, not longer than one of my replies. that black mask wasn't and isn't in our house, and i was the one who took that pic of him and the girls. haven't seen any of those gorls in ages. the one that is showning her back, moved to beliz and moved there w/ her hub from whom she was separated w/ at the time of the pic. the other girl moved back to illinois to be w/ her family last i hear she was preggo and maybe getting married. who knows. our screen saver is the same one, or could be, but we've got noah's ark as a theme right now, getting kind'a old though and noah is bored looking at it when it comes on. yeah, cukoos nest is sooo not positive vibes, gives me chills thinking about it. the movie made me laugh but seriosly stressed me out something awful! back to california though....we need to be in a part that is relatively cheap, whatever that word means, but he mentioned that he wouldn't mind living in northern cali, not too good w/ geography, where about is santa cruz located? would love to do the no electricity thing again, hope that we can stay in the cabin when we go to colorado in august. we fetch our water from the spring down the road, the best water ever tasted. amazing stuff. the cabin has a little propane fridge and propane stove. we dig a hole for our bathroom. boil water for a bath. love it. ever think about doing a commune type thing? we've talked about it and is still ideal, but need the $$ though to get the land and such. dabprovin had sent us names before, she made a heyzeus which was painted industrial silver no sparkles. lovelight is 2 separate words which are painted a light blue w/ sparkles. she had done my name also, which was a blue gree, but more on the green side w/ sparkles. but unfortunately, the only thing to survive the move was love lighyt. so she sent my name again, which is painted the same blue as lovelight, and she sent noah, which is painted a true blue w/ sprakles, noah's name is sooooo beautiful! well they all are but noahs looks especially amazing. i love the swing idea. you're prolly right though about the whole lawsuit thing and what not. low energy for me is not talking much or just being downright negative. i know there's more, much more...i will share the astrology thingy w/ you i decided. not in this comment though, i'll post a new one to you. thanks by the way, love and laughter your way

Spoilt for choice ***
Valid during many months: Some of your principles and ideals will now be called into question. If you have chosen a spiritual path, you might become aware of any hypocritical influences of your own or others' behavior. You might also discover other areas in your life where your ideals are further removed from reality than you might have liked to believe. Your noble ideals could strongly conflict with your more physical and human needs, and this might cause you either to lose all control, or to totally suppress all your desires. Either of these options could lead to a serious crisis which could damage your physical and spiritual integrity.
Under these circumstances it is of course important to aim for a balance between these two extremes. How you deal with the situation will depend on which of the two poles you tend to gravitate towards. You may withdraw and turn to fasting and regular meditation, or you might scrutinize your ideals to see if your chosen course has really been of benefit to you. This could lead to fierce disputes with friends or role-models. Do not shy away from such confrontations in order to preserve your spiritual independence. You may find it necessary to change your chosen course.

You may now feel the urge to change some of your moral and spiritual vaules, together with your wider philosophical outlook on life. Any indecisiveness is not necessarily a sign of being frightened to make commitments. It might just be the case that many of the possibilities open to you do not cater for your individual needs.



Transit selected for today (by user):
Chiron Opposition Jupiter
activity period from 30 January 2002 to 24 November 2002.

i was just at this survey a second ago. This might contsitute a bit too much time here. Ah yes, kt was my H. Eventually led to my divorce.. D had the affair, but my mind drifted first. Glad you figured out the fat thing. santa cruz is the furthest south town with n. cal. attitude, which means you can still swim at the beach on a hot day, but don't have to drive the latest model car. It's a 100 mi. so. of SF. North cal is cheap, and anything inland is really cheap, but i don't consider that california. cow town cultures. I nearly write manifestos about communes. I would love to be in one. I lived in a shelter which i think extended, would make a great model for one. I was thinking a place with private rooms, a common cafeteria, art studio, workshop, auto mechanic garage, music lounge/bar rec-room, garden shed, office, library, sewing room, etc. .. gardens, a hot tub and pool, .. self-sustaining food, water, and power.. serving about 80-200 people. and worldly - not some effort to escape society, but a working sensible alternative, designed to improve the quality of individual and global life. I've come up with ideas like restoring old victorians, reclaiming river properties, networking skills like dog grooming or computer graphics over internet bulletin boards, etc.
She uses internet names? Mine being the same, it hadn't occurred to me. Mine is in pieces too. Perhaps she needs to glue them to cardboard on the backside.

All done! Srill sick though. I should be better soon though. I don't like orange Juice. Actually that was the motnhs and months until the next set of exams I have to write, which won't be until january.

I feel I need to reconsider everything, but then I usually do. I can't see that person can intentionally decide to change their morals or values, but at most, try out another way of looking at things and see if their feels to be any value in it it to adopt. Sure you be more sociable or quietly contemplative, but that would only reflect new values which have already come to surface. ok, i just learned about 'Centaurs', like Chiron.

I'll start right now, and sometimes I do enjoy the squeal of tires. And I noticed your unique method of quoting what you're hearing, I really like that, it definetley sets your comments from the rest.

Today I walked for a couple of hours ending up at the ferry station, I sat and watched the boats going under the bridge and looking at the SF. skyline. Then I came home and started the paperwork for the criminal case against my soon to be ex-husband for putting me in the hospital. I gave my pets some attention and slept for the first time in three days.
This is the first time I've told anyone about why I was in the hospital. But I think you're right, if you can't share here then where? And not only does everyone seem so nice and non-judgemental here, but I could really use the practice.

Wonderful, on the sharing that is. I've never even witnessed violence (a few threats though). It's hard for me to even imagine people even getting hooked up when the potential exists. I love the city. I used to work on 4th & market (United Way in te BofA bldg.) *recalls surprise fireworks over wharf when visiting from my oakland apt.* If you'll talk about it you'll get plenty of support, and maybe a couple useless camments, but way worth it overall unless you want to suffer alone. I could use some sleep myself, I've been up 26 hours with a 2 hour nap. I've found that I can open myself to just about anyone i bump into. Sweet dreams.

ok, santa cruz sounds cool but i don't think that scotty will go for that. who knows though, he seems to be full of surprises lately. communes sounds so ideal. we were thinking on a tad lesser scale though, maybe about 40 people, i don't know, hard to make something like that come to a reality, but very ideal yes. i don't have the energy to do this today, didn't sleep well last night. wound up on the couch and such rough one it was.so if i stay around today and ramble it prolly wouldn't be the most insightful or on th epositive note. yeah, those names are really fragile. but so beautiful. she had asked us originally what we wanted, we both said user names, but if i recall, i saaid that i wasn't sure, so the dear heart did both for me...love her. i'm leaving......feel kind'a funny, maybe i'll be back later or something, but don't have the energy right now, hugs to you anyway and enjoy your day whatever may come of it

As I walk down the street I see a lady listening to her walkman by herself and dancing wildly. Some people are on a bench yelling at each other and calling names. Some kids talked another kid into climbing a fence. They laugh and he cries as he can't get back over to them. Other kids and some adults are playing hopscotch. Some people are hiding behind a building and peeking around the corner. Someone is running to catch the bus and misses it. He throws his backpack towards it as it drives away. Someone is imitating the songs the birds are singing. Two people are hugging like they haven't seen each other in a while. It's a warm beautiful day and there's nothing wrong with this picture.

Someone comes along and starts objecting to things. You two quit yelling. You kids should help him back over the fence. Don't throw your bag you might hit someone. What are you folks by that building hiding for? Suddenly the harmony is broken and this is no longer a perfect picture.

Now after writing this I have a better idea of why I dislike intermeddling objections. I feel better now.

Does she not want to talk to me anymore? I failed my Chemistry exam today. Pretty low. And I've been throwing up and my rat got put down last night. Bad days and I'm sat here in the dark and I have a Biology paper tomorrow and it's just all too much!!!

I hope I don't sound suicidal. I think I often sound more stressed than I am. I hope he's not depressed. My friend from school, he's miserable at the moment. We all failed Chemistry.

Listens to radio story on the need for housisg soltions in government. I need to do more work on that. I've been waking up lately feeling i haven't found anything really worth doing. Things either seem relatively pointless, or too much work for a gamble on results. Hope you get some energy. You guys might like some of the way no. cal. beach towns, where the old hippies plant things in the woods and carry shotguns and guitars. I love most of california. Help me come up with a survey on communes. How would you want one run, and what would it look like?

Does she mean me? Oh no, I love talking with you. Apparently I missed your last comment, and I've just been responding to replies and trailing comments here. I've been worn out (not that i've been doing much.) Maybe I should resume my day by day activity report. *starts thinking about cyclical energy/productity moods and what I'll discuss with my psych next.* I need to try to set up an appt. again. All failed chemistry. Oh joy. thinks of psych med research and colored flame candles i just made. wonders if i failed too. Everyone here's getting depressed at once. We need to cheer up before we contribute to each others downward spiral. You lost your rat? How sad.

Is this what you're actually watching outside? I was out singing back to birds the other night. This guy reminds me of the guy with the bullhorn being the security nazi at lorelei gilmore's engagement party, yelling about "only three h'or d'oeuvres per plate." before she confiscated his horn. Yes, you did paint a descriptive picture here.

It really is beautiful here (I live on Alameda), today is sunny with a nice cool breeze. I bet the fireworks were nice, I look forward to seeing the display on July 4th. It's one of my favorite holidays, smell of BBQ, fireworks, meeting new people in the neigborhood, happy memories. I hope you are able to get some sleep soon. And thanks.

Back in '96, it was actually a couple days earlier. (crowd control I guess, they do that a lot elsewhere too.) The BART stations were packed, and I sprinted out at the last firework. I used to love sprinting the BART escalators. I discovered my second day working there (I was living with my folks in Moss Beach at the time) at the colma station that it was much faster to run up the down escalator than wait for the throngs to make it up the up one. I lived a few blocks from the 580, up Park Bl a dozen blocks from lakeshore park. *recalls that song 'born in the city by the lake'* I went through my full time gender change there. I also had a heavenly experience during that period which prompted me to keep my door open and have a great time with all my neighbors instead of accepting a secluding society. Things get better when you set your mind to it. Most people are reticent to risk thinking better in the first place. I wanted to live in Berkeley. Oakland is almost it's anti-matter. I love the victorians, and have fond memories of friends 'churches' there. What holds you to Alameda? Without magic glasses that place is sort of dreary isn't it? ..boarded industrial bldg.s , closed navy yards. Perhaps a new boost has happened. Jack London Square was holding together though. (Oh, I watched a fireworks display there too (not nearly as grand as the SF one though.)) Sometimes it's easier to make grand quantum leaps at once.. refresh your entire being. I way over-slept. Here she is talking about how beatiful it is, not dreary. Pay attention Kristal.

No, I wasn't actually watching all that. It's my way of explaining what bothers me the most in society, and why it bothers me. People who go around objecting to minor things just plain disrupt the flow. Two people yelling on a bench wouldn't bother me. If a 3rd person came along and tried to break it up, that would bother me.

That hasn't happened in so long. I almost want to let my guard down. Can't I though? I should start expecting that it *won't* happen. Have a back-up plan for in case it does, though. I have no idea what that would be. You never know what kind of situation it would be. The only ones I can think of responses to have already happened and aren't likely to happen again. Maybe there's an all-inclusive response. I never formulated one. I don't want to react, I want to be quietly prepared. I don't want to expect it, but I don't want to be shocked. It's kind of weird in a way, preparing for things you don't expect. Seems impossible. Seems almost unnecessary, like it should just come natural. Should be easy. Maybe it would be easy if it weren't for adrenaline. What do you say to people who play security guard? What do you do when people catch you off guard with some command or request that isn't their place to make?

The two people on the bench tell the bossy person they have a right to yell. The kids tell the person they know the kid well and he will stop crying soon and he will get up and walk around the fence. The backpack thrower tells the person "You can't hit someone with something you throw, if no one is there to be hit by it." The people hiding say "Shhh! be quiet! You'll give us away!" The bossy person is put in his place, and walks away.

Parts are dreary, but I am in a relatively new development related to the Coast Guard,(my husband's job) it's beautifully landscaped, lots of little playgrounds, and a walking path with wild flowers, like a seprate little community from the greater Alameda. But since I kicked the husband out, I will be moving soon, I think I will go back up north where I was raised. I miss the mountains. The victorians here are beautiful but starting to fall apart, need paint. I'm glad you liked the SF fireworks I think I will have a good view. Jack London is booming, beautiful tree at X-mas. You are right about people thinking better. My new theory is that no matter what is going on around me, I can project the positive things/thoughts/feelings from inside myself into those situations. Sounds simple, but sometimes surprisingly hard. I'm glad you got some sleep.

Re Your reply to Biggles: "Everyone here's getting depressed at once. We need to cheer up before we contribute to each others downward spiral."

Well, shoot. Um... There used to be all these thick weeds around the property line. I took them out yesterday, even the ones on the neighbor's side. He wasn't home. I wonder if he noticed. I'm not sure if anyone can recognise the cheer in that statement. I think it's a cheerful thing. It looks nice now. I might take the weeds out of the other side of the driveway too.

When I try to think of nice thoughts, it's always these pretty images. Sunset on the water, stuff like that. When I try for cheer, It's sometimes happy nice things like helping the neighbor, or it's humor. Know any good jokes or stories? I can't think of any now. I was thinking of putting one of those headsets with the microphone on while driving down the road, and talk to myself into it. Then if someone gave me thumbs up or nod of approval for not driving with a phone stuck to my face, I would have a little laugh of my own. I'm not even on the phone. They are so proud of me for no good reason. I laughed when I thought of that idea. I also thought of pulling up to the intersection and digging down like I'm pulling off my shoe. Then I would take a shoe from the floor, that's been pre-filled with gravel. I'd dump it out so it looks like I had a whole shoe packed full of gravel on my foot. Then I would pretend to put it back on. I like "things aren't what they seem" jokes. They are the best.

I think it's time to examine another subtlety here. I get a picture of what you refer to, someone with an imposing nazi sense of peace, correcting things because it bothers 'their' sense of peace, and 'their' model for a civil society. That would be differnt than someone who genuinely wanted the two people on the bench to have a happier existence. all right, what on earth is she talking about now? Hmm.. I've dug through prior comments and still can't figure it out. This survey is taking to long. Perhaps i should make a 'part II' or 'Cont.' (hey, weve never had a 'continued' survey before). Oh, looks like she's considering playing with us. ..and giving her a chance to catch up would be more reason to make a part two. Any fresh ideas? 'comments from the peanut gallery?' I wish that thought didn't occur to me, but it often does, even if i don't give it much serious consideration. Perhaps I'm jaded about so often having to do these things myself. heck, that's not even true; If I don't get around to doing something i thought important, someone does it for me. Glad mom was wrong, 'like usual' about how i shouldn't trust people. (I got a refund from someone on eBay this morning who hadn't realised the motor they sent me was defective.) My every interaction seems to an opportunity for ministry work. At least I think she's talking about this survey. 'Security guard' seems a bit harsh. It is unnecessary to prepare for situations you'd rather not be in. On a spiritual level, it's inviting them to fulfill your preparation. If you prepared your mind for describing the life of flowers to neighbor children, those situations would be happening instead. When folks catch you off guard, you have the 'best' opportunity for an honest spontaneous response, like a glance of disappointment or something. Truth is respected more than any fabrication you've prepared for. ahh, she's still taking about her 'scenario', and some role for herself within it. So, you want to be the security guard now, eh? Recall (here i am, sucked up in her theoretical scenario) that that person has a lifetime of understanding that led up to their behavior. An opposing view of righteousness will only reinforce their belief in righteousness (like imposing rules is good, they just need to find the right rules). Instead (and this takes more effort and integrity), non-judgementally get them to consider their own motives. A puzzled frown might do. If you don't act instantly, you'll get stuck having to formulate something to say, and building the courage to say it. Just remember, speak 'with' them, not 'at' them, or you are only only encouraging the entire paradigm you speak against.

When I'm caught off guard, angry adrenaline gets in the way of a spontaneous response. I'm frozen there. I wish that wouldn't happen but it does. I've sometimes thought the phraze "Who are YOU?" would get my point across, but it's kind of negative.

sounds cheerful. I find it cheerful sweeping our alley. Jesus, her sense of humor is unique, (and futile, as far as I can see). there's got to be some positive outlet for this train of thought, but none occur to me right now. ..Sort of like artists making nature murals as enviro-political activism. *waits for the inevitable 'why should i pay back a debt to society'* There's no debt, but it's nice to behave as if their was one. There is responsibility though, by simple virtue of having been born here. It's like cleaning your bedroom, something to be done for your benefit. When you get housemates, you could just make rules to stay out of each others way, but you'll have a nicer home if you get together and build a porch swing, what you do for society, you do for your larger self. and then the concept extends itself to the world around you. No one would admire mother theresa if she did her work because the pope was cracking a whip. Her work was in part being an inspiring example of good energy, the actions were just a part of the greater significance.
Ok, I'm actually chuckling over the gravel stunt. You ought to see about being a writer for one of those candid-camera type shows. I find them a touch offensive, but i know some people are uplifted in some warped fashion by such shows.

Yeah, that get's kind of complicated. It is better not to respond out of anger (usually counter-productive). I'll have to keep my eye open for wisdom on that one. There's escaping the entire plane of involvement which inspires anger, but i don't know how to get you that far. Some philosophies that might help out there are believing that things don't have to be the way they are in your universe, and always keeping in mind that people are following a script, that they are innocent because they believe they are doing the appropriate thing based on their life of experience. If you're going to be angry, be angry at the overall situation, not at them.

Maybe I can use humor to make people see errors in their thinking. The headset one could only be for me and my passengers. No point there but to laugh when people draw erroneous conclusions. Whenever it's not upsetting, it's funny. If I could think of some funny things to do to make a point, that would be really cool. If I was witty enough to respond with humor to everything that would otherwise irk me, that would be really cool too. I don't know if I have enough of that kind energy or would find it rewarding enough to do stuff for society in general. It just doesn't appeal to me. Some of the jokes on those shows aren't funny at all. A few of them are, though.

When I was younger, I didn't get angry at percieved injustices like I do now. Somewhere along the line that attitude kind of erroded. disillusionment maybe. I started figuring out that people aren't as nice and accepting as i thought before, or something. I could try to get there again, but I'm not sure i'll be hit with the same realization again, if that makes any sense. I think i would just be setting myself up for disappointment if I expect that people will be accomodating, tolerant, accepting, nice, mellow etc. The first time someone makes a deal of something, I might think 'why do i bother expecting more than that from people?' know what i mean?

"Just last night, Ben said; 'My life is wonderful because of you!'..."
What a fudgein great, authentic way to express something like that. Cool 20-year partner you have there.

You've got quite the powerful, meaningful conversations going on here. ¥There's a new kid in town, everybody's talkin 'bout the new kid in town.
how to start this up again? you'll be at it all night, you know it. audit in the morning, audit, audit, audit. priorities that don't matter much to the purpose of your life's work suck, they plain suck. ain't no priority until you make it one, jerk-o. ¥Everybody's talkin', there's a neeewww.
I have figured something out about the most successful of people: they certainly couldn't be rich, maybe not even famous. They would have to be someone who places things in proper perspective, in proper order, with their proper priorities in order to ensure that they (the "things"="they") will get the proper attention. Little of that fits into the scheme of things these days.
seems we keep coming back to that one conversation, maybe the first with KR, when i expressed frustration that 'they don't know', 'nothing's amounting to the bigger picture'. maybe we'll learn to express what i really mean in that.
when do i get to work? when do i get to work on what matters? what do i have to give up? would i give it up? ¥Back in black, I hit the sack, it's been too long I'm glad to be back
Reading the above. Feel I may have to finally hook up that printer to this computer, to get through all of it. Looks SO worthy, though, so...
*moves off to gather printer/scanner/faxing device*

Well, I said a lot to you that got lost in a computer lock-up. It was about listening to a radio show about a prison massacre at attica, and star-trek quotes on interfering with pre-walp civilisations. Ah, yes, and stuff about regained innocence and heavenly being and such. everyone on the tv looks like U. I've had no physical life today. ah yes, the best line in there was on how I treat everyone like angels until proven otherwise, and consequently meet a lot of angel types.

Aww man, too bad a lot of that got lost. It sounds interesting.

Lexie is being cute again. Why oh WHY is she so CUTE I can barely stand it? I was telling her about how when she was 3, she was walking too fast and slipped on the floor. Later on she was walking regular and slipped and said "I was walking flowly and I flipped" So just now she was pretending to do it again, and she said "I'm going to do it in flow motion"
Speaking of Lexie being cute, the night before her birthday, she was laying in bed facing me and I said "If you remember, remind me to call the car place tomorrow" she said "I'll remind you when I'm 5" and turned over. CUTE

One of the deeper ones was just vaporized ¥"comes with a tape of the crime scene, before the cops cleaned it up." I love the look of this wolf-lake show. nothing new here, just steady evolution. *recalls listening to to eagles on sunrise champagne nights at H's antique store (she even got the mercedes benz, did 'queen of the silver dollar too')* Her shop taught me a lot about matter vortices. Priorities are a big headache for me. I do what happens naturally, following my heart more that sense, and wonder when i'll ever have time to get own life in order. I'm taken care of though. oww, my nipples kinda hurt, hopes it's not a reaction to that blue candle. I need to get a shower and buy tobacco too. *muses on sychronicity of computer glitches* Better to drop that line of thought. *helicopter appears overhead* You're a great guy, NT, service opportunities will always be coming your way, just in little details. Every transaction in your life is an opportunity to turn things around towards something better. If you ask for a major service assignment, one will come your way, if not, presume you are doing it.
Yeah, what do you mean in that? How are you expecting things to add up?

recalls having first clairvoyant experience with C as she ran aross kitchen floor. That is cute. 'Cute's a variant of what you do, it doesn't surprise me you have a cute kid.

a "greater" one is right under her nose - well, owns her nose, really. I see you as a wonderful success already, and pray you see the same in yourself. (Though you seem to have no qualms about yourself, the simple chance to what I may not see is worth expending the prayer.) You've had your work aligned by you, it seems, stipulated less by anyone else. I respect that.
I look forward to meeting your children, to hear them speak just to listen to them, to hear what your children specifically have come to believe, how they perceive today's world, and what their plans are for it. I had the recent privelege of getting to apologize to meeting up with a cousin with whom I grew up. We hadn't seen one another in over 18 years. We're the same age, we went to the same schools, etc. the same school at fourth grade, where I kicked him in the back - a scream i'll never forget come from a kid - just because the other kids told me that would serve as just proof that i wasn't a jerk like my 2d cousin and then i'd be able to "hang out" with those "cool" kids. His sister, who I had always admired even as a teenager, got to join us at dinner...with her children. Although they spoke only of what's regularly expected to be important to a child of thirteen and fifteen, I was mesmerized by them. By just plain talk, because they were the product of that person I admired so much.
ranting. supposed to be getting printer together. go now before you spout senselessly more... I'm going to go now, before I spout senselessly some more. I've been ranting while I'm supposed to be setting up my printer so I can print this survey out, and "listen" to people here.

Cool beyond words...
*sigh*

¥"building a remedy for kruschev and kennedy.. guaranteed to blow your mind." (no lack of self-esteem at the moment) Greater one under my nose, comment or person. Well, when I was my daughters age, all I had down was a lot of spiritual contemplation, telepathy with dogs, dice tricks, and some highly accurate tarot readings for strangers; I wanted an angel for a daughter; I wasn't counting on a neutral alignment. Hopefully that will pass. I'm not especially comfortable revealing the inner mindsets of others behind their back as a matter of privacy. My kids live in AK. My daughter is an extremely gifted author. She can crank out dozens of pages of multiple entendre, well styled flowing writing a day. Her writing doesn't slow down even while engaged in a heavy (multiple entendre) conversation about heart and spirit matters. She draws comics quite well with lots of personality. In fact she's been gifted at animation, musical instruments, etc. She's been my muse. I've done a lot of supernatural things, because she proved to me they could be done. She has a disdain for society, not unlike Endora, but respects my work. My son has a slight awareness of a couple planes. A buddhist like harmony surrounds his activities, though he's a bit of a trickster at times. He has no dreams. I think I jaded both of them, teaching them from birth that they can rewrite the play to suit their tastes. My brother (their step-dad) is jaded in his way too. I can only talk with him about spirit matters when he's drunk, and he tells me that this same understanding was passed from my step-dad to him at the age of 11, and that he thinks that a kid should not know such things. Usually he's managed to forget. Just a couple days ago, my mom finally admitted to being familiar with things we discuss in my workgroup, but then that's always been her style with anything, to let me figure it all out for myself, then let me figure out that she's been there already. I have a few relatives who are deep mystics or spiritual teachers on the side too, although some of that may be coming from me and god instead. T has already pointed out to me firsthand that I unknowingly turn people into people they weren't. If she hadn't flipped the tables, and had me coming out of a trance saying things to her only she would have said, I might not have believed her. The experience left me wondering if it was then really possible for me to love another, if they were falling into extensions of my own bidding. I seem to replace womens passions with peace, yet still we depart as if I cheated them out of their heart or something, like breaking their heart with a love they'd never have before or after I met them. humbled or something. I'm not sure I understand it myself. I never really thought about it in such terms before. It's like I white-washed the fire that drove them.
Wish you could meet my kids. Wish I could meet them, for that matter. I talk to them weekly, but can't afford more that a trip every year or two. What do they plan for it. he's ahead of me here. Basically, they plan to not participate in it, to get log cabins and play guitar or write. Fortunately my son has a current of thought that he'd like to travel, but he's at the edge of ambivalence, 'sort of all things are equal, why make an effort?' I would guess that my daughters going to be plugged into the activity of this planet in some powerful obscure fashion, and my son's going to an unobtrusive make-no-waves pillar of some micro-community of work and family. I've got to get in touch with my cousins. We were like sisters growing up, but have barely said hello as adults. *recalls cousin sitting on knife* A couple of mine died early instant surprise deaths. Good grief. I never tried to be cool. well no, that's not true at all. I tried to impress them with being a genius scientist. Usually only my teachers cared, so I hung out with them instead. Print/Listen? What do you mean.

hmmmmm...frankly for the folks here, it think that a survey about communes should be more on the lines of, would you want to partake in a commune type community and what would your role be, or something like that. i don't really think that a lot of them have thought about that idea, more or less what one would look like or about how it would work. i think that it needs to be started out simply so they can get a taste of the idea. just a thought though, but who knows, maybe the folks here do think about communes a lot and have a plan and what-not, i dunno. i think that we would like way northern california. i think that's kind'a what we both imagined on the subject. my friend kt who i miss horribly, lives in mickinleyville and lived in arcada, from what i understand those 2 place are pretty close to one another. have you heard of these town? are they sort of what you described way n. cali to be? speaking of old hippies, we're planning to go to the rainbow festival this year, for it is going to be quite near here. i guess "they" are arguing as to where it should be. either somewhere here in wisconsin, or the U.P. scotty has gone 3 times i believe he said, so he has this idael built up about it. i know what i imagine it to be, i'm not sure what to expact though. i do hope that i "get something" out of it, like scotty says i should. would like to come across an idea or thought that hasn't occured to me before or whatever. he said that the last time he went, he noticed that is was quite political and "everyone" was debating and arguing about how to live and what-not, and that they lost the whole point of being there. which is light i believe. my energy rose a little yesterday, good thing. i feel better this morning, except am hot already. supposed to be around 90 today w/ really high humidity. that's the only thing that we "argue" about lately, is the temp of the house. he's always cold, and moslt i'm quite warm. my child takes after me in that respect, he gets warm easily, he doesn't understand that one though. he thinks that since noah can't tell me he's hot or warm, that he's not and just because i'm warm doean't mean that he is...although i KNOW that my child and i are on the same wave like that, strange thing, but we are. i giggled last night and totally thought of you, for i remember what you said about tv and how sometimes tv/radio corresponds to what is going on in your life at the moment. happened about 3 times last night, strange. wanted to tell scotty about it, but couldn't formulate the words or explain it well enough, so i didn't. ok though, for i noticed it. cool stuff. wonders if jan is coming today...jan is the midwife i used for the birth of noah, i haven't seen her since noah was about a month old...miss that lady, but we all know how time just seems to slip away from us, i mean one minute the sun is just rising, and the next, it's already about time for him to get home from work, where does the day even go?? BLM land....are you familialr about this land? we wanted to be care takers of a BLM site. that would be very cool. need a "permanant" structure to live in though for your stay. lots of it out west. sad about fires in colorado. very sad. didn't realize that a fire so large was able to produce their own weather systems. nature is so amazing. the sky is pretty amazing in colorado. have never seen a sky more beautiful than that of there. sky is pretty here, but just different out there. hope that the fires isn't going to affect the sky that much when we're there. i'd imagine that they'd be put out by then, but all of the smoke has got to linger, especially sonce the area in that we're going is nicknamed the banana belt. need coffee and a smoke....noticed that my breasts are 2 differnt sizes. freaked me out a little that i never noticed before.have cleaning to do againt today. i don't like not knowing if aomeone is coming over or not. so i will clean as if i'm expecting company, but don't like the feeling or waiting and looking out the window etc. my friend did that to me a lot. since we moved in her and her hub have been here ONCE together. don't like that since we live so close. when we invite them , she give me a maybe and a i don't know answer. don't like that how hard is it to just say yes or no? never hurts my feeling for a no, but a no is much better than maybe. argh! sorry about that i'm done, not a biggie. told scotty that i don't call her anymore, that i would rather talk to him, he turned kind'a red,blushed, rare for him.construction going on right outsidfe here, irritating, not sure what they're doing. making a mess it looks like. i would like another tattoo. actually would like this one i have to be finfished. need money for that though. had a friend who does that for a living, he did scotty's and such. good job actually, but scotty and this guy had a fight, a real fight. that guy accused scotty of stealing his credit card and jumped him at a get together they had. weird, then the last time scotty saw him, he was real nice to him and such, can't figure the guy out. happy thursday, new writing by rob bresney comes out today...love that guy. already read it, first thing i did this morning when i jumped on line. child is getting irritated. my time is about up here today anyhow, lots to do and have to work on a time schedule today, for if that lady is coming, she'll be here a little afternoon i'd imagine. so thanks for the thoughts and energy, have yourself a beautiful and magic filled day, and hugs and love a nd laughter and light to you also

I have 2 cute kids. They are adorable. Huge thick dark eyelashes, gorgeous eyes.

Yes I meant you. I wondered if I was being ignored. I'm glad it wasn't that I like talking to you to. There was a time.....What was I just thinking? I got distracted, I had an image flash into my mind. Like I do sometimes. I tell my mum the deja vu isn't to do with different brain circuits - I remember seeing things before. It's a strange subject, I wish someone could prove what causes deja vu conclusively.

It looks like you've had a pretty exhausting time here. Poor dear, she's probably looking forward to this going inactive. I was talking about this discussion to someone today, well teh concept of the discussion anyway. Rather that than talk about exams. It's so hot today!!!! Sweltering bus journey home. The one fat smelly man on the bus always sits next to me and reads a newspaper. What would she say? Karma?!

She has a psychiatrist? They're more into it in America I think. I couldn't get my friend an appointment through the NHS even though she'd tried to kill herself and was threatening to do it again. Another friend's "psychotic" she sees a doctor type guy........

Argh, chemsitry. i spoke to my teacher today and he said it was a horrid paper and that he couldn't do one question. Then I went in and failed Biology. Damn. Goodbye Oxford. Goodbye Oxford. Like Come on England. At the football ground. They'll lose, I feel it in my bones. How can they win, it's England? Against Brazil!

How do you make coloured flame candles? Just add different chemicals to the wax - doesn't that make them spit. I've made fireworks in school from chemocals - the metals of teh first two groups and various chlorides and oxides of transition metals. Pretty colours so we all oooh and aaaaah. Whilst sat in goggles so that we don't get bit. Why bit, why did you think bit? It's sooooo hot!

We should all cheer up. I'll be happier tomorrow I hope. Three days without exams - just solid revision.......I have 6 next week and then it's over. Done dusted. It feels like it's never going to come. I'm tired. Right now, of the exams, of not knowing, of hoping, of wanting, of needing, of losing. But I'll cheer up soon, take the upward spiral (lignin), pull everyone up too hopefully. Like the old woman with the onion. Where did I hear that story? It's a great story. Maybe it was on the West Wing. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, soon I can spend all day doing what I want. I'll be miserable with no structure to my day!

My mum made a pebble pond

Pebble pond! cool.

My yard has so much potential, I have so little time. There's a space I'm considering making a kid's play yard. I've gone beyond considering. I'm getting price lists. It's between 300 and 450 square feet. 450 would be too wide I think. I want to have a sandbox, little play house, swings or slide, stuff like that. I've been pricing cedar fence stuff too, for the side of the driveway. I cleaned out weeds on both sides of the driveway 15 to 20 feet on each side, 40 feet long. Took 2 days. now I need to put lawn there, might plant some trees or tall flowers.

thinks bout nsomes progress. starlight. getting back to LL after defrag. oh, not my pond, B's. oh wait, the whole comments for B. Sculpting's the most creative learning experience they could have out there. You could just plant an arch of 6x6 timbers (like a buddhist gate)(set in concrete) fill it with eye hooks at various levels, and give them rope to play with. It's these sort of toys that will make engineers of them. Planting fairy castle hills of irish moss and irises with them would be fun too. Baby pools make great lily ponds. raising frogs and goldfish is cool too. (if not the sandbox and a garden hose (great way to learn wave-forms and hydraulic engineering)).

I made various comments about telepathic connections to your finals, flame chemistry, and such, but my computer locked up and has since been cleaned ip.

A play yard sounds so nice! My mum made a sandpit for us when we were little. She just dug a pit and put bricks up the sides then filled it. We loved it!!! Of course, it was the favourite pooing spot for all the local cats And I always desperately wanted a swing when I was younger. Our garden's on a slope and the flat area's far too small to have a whole swing frame on it, so I used to dream about having one hanging from my oak tree at the bottom of the garden. The only problem with that was that there was a big drop at the bottom of our garden into a stream so there was no way I could have a swing there

My absolute favourite thing to do when I was a small child was just to grub around. There was a patch in the middle of our garden where we had our bonfire on Guy Fawke's Night and it never had any grass on it because for the rest of the year it was our mud patch. We would carry out buckets of water to make it squelchy.....

Oh, I just remembered what survey I'm on, the thoughts one. How could I forget. I feel a bit sick so I'm not thinking too straight. Still.......

That;s a pity it didn't send. I bet it was interesting. Our computer's always crashing and breaking. Probably what comes of having a family computer. I get my own for next year. I get quite greedy just thinking about it. My computer, my precious......Sssssssss, like a snake. Bejewelled back. There are many snakes here. I saw one when I was small - I was walking through heather on the clifftops by the sea - next to the big white lighthouse. And there it was. I remember running away. I hadn't known that there were snakes in England. My only real knowledge of then was from Biggles books. Biggles in Africa - Biggles tells his comrades that a particular type of snake can only go slowly up gradients. Algy replies, I'll make sure I always carry a gradient in my pocket then. Good old sarcy Algy. Like the comment about Snakes and Ladders - up one minute and down the next.......

thinks maybe i should make that swing. 'squelchy'.. someday i'm going to have ask for a dictionary of these wonderful words. and i'm tired, ready to go to bed, but i'd miss festivals happening.

I think I might get some big (I mean BIG) outdoor building blocks for them to play with. There's a thought.

I might also make a special place just for mud.
...and later regret it

Hmm... right now I am planning to do anything with my life that would involve going out of Canada, like England or something. Marrying the first British guy and acquiring the last name and getting my accent British, so I become British. But my parents tell me I'll never be happy. They say I cannot be satisfied, like I am insatiable. I hope they're mistaking.

With plans like that, I'd have to agree with them. Wanting to do that's fine. Expecting it to satisfy you is something else though.

The mud pit would be strategically placed near the back door to the garage. stone path would lead from the back entrance of the play yard (near the garage back door) to the (ph) play house door but it might curve near the (mp) mud pit. the yard front entrance (yfe) is near the sand box and play structure. this is just one possible plan. The drive through is only used by the snow plow in the winter. in summer it's just a trail that looks back road-ish. (tire tracks)
|=====================================|
|=====================================|
|=====ps======================ph======|
|=====================================|
|=====================================| big tree here
|=====================================|
|======sb============mp==========sp===|
|=====================================|
|yfe===============================ybe|


drive-thru (connects dad's property to ours)


---------------------------------
---------------------------------|
------------------garage back door (shed is here)

Intriguing map. spends moment looking for secret messages. not exactly sure where the house(s) might be. considers making map of my conception of street placement and such. Why am I so tired? I was up three hours later yesterday, and slept ten hours. I'm not sure i can riding across town to that festival, but risk not being able to tomorrows festival either if i sleep now.

I have no idea how to make an accurate map with ascii art. can you tell? The garage door is on the left, the door to get into the house from the garage it at the bottom, farther down than the picture goes. The house is below the picture. If I could have your address again, (Cullen street if I remember right- just testing my memory) maybe I'll send you a drawing. I love drawing maps and plans of how I want to do the yard. I made a really pretty one on index cards, out of colored pencil and stuck them together. I spend more time planning than doing the yard.

That's almost sweet, but sort of weird, what am i going to do with a map of your yard? But if you want to send something weird anyhow, it's Kristal McKinstry 2615 Cullen St. #8, LA CA 90034 (good memory)

Thinking in speech marks "Fudge this comments page is long. Jesus, it's like the friggin firum page. I wonder if they can pick Ive been drinking. Fudging chicken Virgin" I tried to send an SMS to a friend who I know id 3 suburbs away and it took me ages to key it out, it took the whole 160 characters, then when I pushed send it came back fudging 'message failed' then deleted my message! "Why am I telling her this? This is freaky crap man!" Pet Sematary is on TV. Turn it to channel 31 and they are advertising mobile phone covers - http://www.crazycovers.com.au/ fudge what a world! Technology to keep people in touch and we are more lonely than ever. Christ, the fudging----"hang, on, am I thinking this? anuway, the frigging Aussie website selling phone covers has a bloody fudging American accent! It does sound more professional than an Australian accent. Why is that? Now channel 31 has an add for a sex shop called naughty but nice - http://www.naughtybutnice.com.au CRAP! that Bourbon is nasty! I know Im going to regret drinking this much tomorrow, but FUDGEIT!

Well, not much you can do, unless you want to discuss design possibilities. That's what I had in mind. I love that sort of thing. We could even think up designs for other places, that neither of us have ever been to. Might be fun, just for creativity's sake.

There was a project we did in child development class, where we did layouts for playgrounds, right down to what the running fields were made out of. Did you know some running tracks have recycled sneaker rubber in them?

I wish he wasn't so alone.....I love that movie, Pet Semetary! I love Stephan King. There's a new series on telly here called The Dead Zone starring Anthony Michael Hall of Sixteen Candles, Breakfast Club fame. It was sensationally done. If you get a chance to see it ...do. I wish he could express like that when he's soberBourbon? ICK!!!!! *makes funny vomity noises* I haven't had a drink for a while. Haven't needed one. Even when I was going through hell at that new job I tried. I couldn't drink. I love to drink. I love feeling all "I don't give a crap" and saying everything that comes into my head without caring how it sounds. I love how sexy it makes me feel and how I lose all my inhibitions. I hate it when it makes me weepy, though. It can really start this purging of emotion. I hate how I feel the next day. I hope he gets to skip the hangover

She sounds heavy. Almost. Like the mud. There was that poem about it squishing between your toes. About being happy that way. Not at all like AA Milne's poem about sand between the toes. That itches and scratches. Mud between the toes oozes. There are mud flats under the sea on the East coast. At low tide they're revealed. Like clay. And you can dig bits out and make things from it, but very muddy. Don't fall over in it my mum would say. But of course, I always did. Just like I'd always "accidentally" fall off the breakwater as big waves were coming in. Happy days. I'd always be on the post furthest out to sea - one that was submerged even when a wave wasn't passing over it. Even my older brother wasn't that brave. Brave? The sea was only shallow! But when you were out there, you could just look out in front of you and it felt like you were all alone. And you couldn't hear anything, just the movement of the sea. Not the waves breaking so much as just that steady sound that all merges into one. Almsot a hum. And I could look out to sea, and that would be all that there was, just sea. And teh rest of the world didn't exist, just me and the grey sea. Then it would all come back, the world and I'd be jumping off into the waves again. Running back up to the beach, sokaed to the skin. In the evening. Sometimes there would be a ligt drizzle falling. The sky was always grey. We'd walk back to the caravan, cold and damp. Bare feet making soft patterns in the sand. So you could look back and see where you'd been. Where you'd emerged from the sea. Crossing the carpark with its sharp stones, and there were always layers of stones on teh beach. But my feet were strong and I was tough. And people would stare at the family with a little soaked and freezing girl with the wet hair hanging in rat tails who looked like she owned every bit of the earth she walked on. They were dreams those days. But she was me and I am her. No more, but forever. We share the future. Then the caravan, warm clothes, hot chocolate. Staying up later than usual because there was no quiet - the sound of the tv filled the whole caravan. The gas fire in the room made us so hot, but it was comforting. And we'd play boardgames until one by one we'd drop off to sleep and my mum would carry us to our beds, barely concious. Memories........They're like dreams.

Gollum. I'm not a real fan. My mum read us the Hobbit when we were very small. The only thing that I remember was her Gollum voice. Precioussssssssssssssss. That hiss. Not her at all. I was afraid and hid my head in her shoulder where I was safe. And she's reach down and hold my hand because she knew that I was scared but also that I wanted to hear, not be banished while she read to my older brother. I was cocooned. Silk threads holding me tight, to a dream, to the past. I'm still bound by them. The threads never break.

Where are my thoughts going? Why are they on this path? Going round and round, like those snakes I suppose, rolling down because they're eating themselves. Redigesting the substances that have already formed them. That's what I've been doing. Click.

Yeah, the geek from Breakfast Club! That's now on my DVD to buy list! Oh the 80's......yeah, maybe they weren't that great now I think about it. I never feel weepy with booze, only closer to people. I want to tell people how I feel about them and I come off schmatzy....is that even a freaking word? Watching SBS now, a channel devoted to the "new Australian" as they call immigrants. It's in Spanish, and a chick is muff diving another chick. Everyone says if you want soft porn watch SBS. God, if this was in English they wouldn't show it. Government funded soft porn---nothing like it!

I'm moving to Australia!!!!!Just for the soft porn!

I think the word is schmaltzy?

Yeah, SBS rules for soft porn and Southpark. Great channel. Immigrants rule!

I love porn........
*sighs*

Where do you go for porn?

The Internet!!!!!!!

Oh, and a little shop here in town....movies...magazines...toys etc....

cool a kaleb comment. perhaps i should call family first. phones busy. whenever i'm tired i seem to pick out dull classical records to try out. I've been though far freakier on my computer. Computers are like crystal balls (silicon dioxide) or mirrors; They move slow when you are tired (or impatient), churn up your thoughts, and.. fail when you are angry or blitzed. Here, they use british or australian accents. Worldly accomplished trustworthy whatever. Yeah, you're thinking that. Too bad it takes getting drunk to face it. Yeah, it's (this survey) immensely long. glad you visit it though. Oh yeah, I got those sites to check out. Ok, done. You have quite the knack for finding hippie witchy hempy faery-folk festival sites. I think whoever accused you of being a closet treehugger was right. Do you ever go to any of these festivals. This firebird suite is pretty cool, not sleepy like sibelius was. I think it would almost be like the predigal son returning home. A hell of a lot better that complaining about lonely communications devices.

No, but I know disneyland's been using rubber asphalt for decades. thinks of that movie with bugs in the shoes.

Don't know if can handle mud between my toes, but i love sand. It's never itched or scratched. I probably was heavy, but on a white cloud of sorts, where external reality starts to go away. In mexico (baha california) we went to a place where the low tide revealed miles of silt, and rode motorcycles across it. My friends bike would stall and I'd have to frequently dismount to hold his up while he started it before it sank too deep. My bike was much lighter and didn't stall. Relates 'Happy Days' to a thought from a moment ago about how my tapping on either my turntable or amplifier were like the Fonz fixing getting the jukebokx to go. Recalls at age 11 swimming past the waves for 4 solid hours talking to a gal i'd been set up with by my friend. Ooh, the gray skies didn't sound great, but the hot chocolate makes up for it. My daughter owned the beach. She'd tell the waves what to do. Your tales here were beautiful.

I'd have watched that if I had cable. You too on the bourbon talk eh? My bro's that way too. recalls how you were my main chat partner when I'd come home drunk from a party.

He was giving you advice. the uhf foreign language channels here have looser guidelines too. Everyone covers for me; you offered schmaltzy. Is this punk-rock in spanish? english?

No i never go to any of those events. I hate Northern NSW. It's full of hypocrites putting crap on "the system" while the whole time they line up for their dole payments financed by the system. I've only been to Nimbin once to 'score' and came away empty handed because I could do better in Brisbane. I'm sober now BTW....

I really love this survey. I think it has majikal powers.

Sober!? How could you!

Dang my eye hurts. It's hurt for a few days. Especially late afternoon and evening. dang. itches too. It feels like something is in it but only at the end of the day. I just might go to the doctor or something.

It contains some of my goals. Today I was on national radio rattling off all my suggestions after hearing the pacifica boardmeeting that aired for three days. In 'church' we had a lecture on 'warrior architects' which resembled my recent work (the lectures always do). When group was over, to my surprise the leader announced to everyone that he had heard my speaking. Oh, I wasn't wrong about him being green in that respect. I should answer these comments in sequence. She caught me by surprise with that 'he he he'. and i haven't a clue what she referred too. Yeah, I thought my 'be the radio' was a landmark, but it was a bit out of reach for most, where this one is accessable to anyone with some courage. Ooh, sudden coffee craving. Dang, I left a burner on under an empty stew pot, and now it has a rainbow patina. Well, I was considering doing that anyhow to burn away traces of nasty colored flame chemicals before cooking with it. Things i set my mind to usually happen one way or another. Too bad c wasn't home. My ex is doubling her income and my bro lost his. So how are you doing these days. Any career directions in visualisation? I don't know boy, this is pretty non-sequential writing here. lost train of thought. Her daughter's must be going through some evolution at the moment. Oh yeah.. I don't know what sort of survey I'll do next along this cause. oh right, i got that lame one 'be a non-conformist' brewing. Well, something could come of it. Oops, that was for M, not Kb.

oh right, i meditated C and I were in lightening last night.. guess that lightening storm up there this afternoon wasn't so freakish after all. So tell me, do you disavow your feelings when you come down from a drunk? One practice I did years ago was getting drunk on half a glass of wine, or staying sober on 20 hard drinks at an office party. I ended up losing some motor control and had a killer hangover though. It was good to learn that being drunk didn't affect my spiritual connection one way or another, and gave me the courage to voice out loud what I was experiencing. Now that I think of it, it was a a segway experience into my next job as a psychic. I should hook up D with my web contract agent. He can make websites. Alright, Kaleb, you don't know the folks that well. I suspect they want a self-sufficient system that isn't based on capitalism, and can't do that when everyone else is based on capitalism and land ownership. There are sustaining ways of flowing service life that don't involve the drudgery thought of pulling ones weight. Likeen these folks to the natives (at least the ones here). They used to be self-sustaining until they were pushed onto the worst lands and their herds were wiped out. I don't really know the folks in N NSW either. I do think however that before you say much against anyone, you need to try out their lifestyle, or at least their mindset to see what virtues it has. envisions kaleb pulling a yoke with a sled of freeloaders. You really ought to give at least one festival a try. I did, and it was a pivotal spiritual experience for me. I don't live the lifestyle beyond that glimpse, but i work to make it's virtues possible for everyone.

Do you work at a computer, have stuffy air, or recent sleep difficulties?

A few statistics about this record-setting survey (undoubtedly):
Paragraphs: 825
Lines: 6,332
Pages (at 60 lines): 107
Words: 77,107
Characters: 420,025

Request: I have a very fast computer, and I'm continuously visiting this survey (watching you, really). In only three weeks time, this survey is so congested that it takes quite a bit of time to load.
My request is to have you create a continuation survey for this. Your last comment could provide a link to the "continued at [link] survey" for those who visit this one in the future.
I'm SO impressed by this one.

By the way, I exported this survey in an editor - I have more of a life than to count the things listed in the above statistics, haha.

I had no idea this thing was that huge. But I did already consider continuing it. {which I've done now} *tourettes like thought impulse*. boy, those were hell a dozen years ago, must have been by-products of purification through constraint. My cat's a ventriloquist. can't tell it's mewing. wonder when i'll see T next. thinks about lightening in AK & it's relation to meditation. *recalls ushering in that whole day of lightening the night before the inter-tribal council did there rain dance. that packed a wallop, think 12 houses went down in san bernadino. first time i started to realise that certain things had unseen costs. the days sleep with all that lavendar lightening illuminating my head wdhile the real thing went on all day was a blast to.* Ok, yes, i'm bothering to relive the thoughts for your sake, since you claim to an avid reader. Not that many people attend this survey, although I might catch more attention with that 'continued' clause. oh god, i'm going to be majorly busy. glad i like my work. Say, I just discovered my workgroup leader is out of work. If you know anyone looking for a veteran in programming and networking, let me know. I told him I'd network for him when i overheard. Did V ever contact you? T disappoints me lately. She only calls when she's having relationship problems lately. going hiking with older folks will be a bit odd. well, it'll be good to have a personal relationship with the people i do spirit work with. I should hope you have more of a life! *envisions NSome counting each charcter, before he gets distracted counting cigarette butts*. alright, he's impressed, but is he remembering to record his passing thoughts here?

I don't know what feelings I would disavow when sober. The feelings are always there, it's the censorship that is removed. I don't know about you, but I have enough pride to reject anything from a person or system I feel is wrong. Isn't lining up for benefits from a capitalist system proof of which system is actually working? These eople must be as stupid as they are unwashed. Eveyone needs to play the game. I want to drop out too but I have to work for that privilege. These people have never been self sustaining. They move out of the capital cities to Northern New South Wales basically so they can get away with growing drugs and not working or bathing. I've been around the type of people who attend festivals and such. They seem very, very fake to me. It's almost like walking into a charismatic chrch where people act as if you're their long lost mate. I don't like that. Only people who earn my trust and respect are allowed as close to me as these people automatically believe they should be. I'm more genuine than that, and seek genuine people who don't argue against a system while at the same time accepting the aid and benefits of living under that system.

I'm on the computer a lot. That's not it though, because this came up just recently. Feels like a bump under my eyelid or something, that only bugs me at the end of the day when my eyes are more dry. I keep thinking it has something to do with yard work (pulled some weird weed, rubbed my eye?) or bike riding (something small got in my eye when I was going really fast?) I don't know. The day before yesterday was the worst. I woke up and my eyes were all crusty, so I thought it might be pink eye, but it's not (whew) last night it didn't bother me at all. Maybe it's gone. I hope so.

There was small girl that just died after being pulled into the mudflats that I described in my last comment. She was only 5. I'm not sure how she died, hypothermia maybe.

I hate getting sand in my shoes more than between my toes.

I bet motorcycles leave nice patterns. Like the advert where the woman turns down the proposal by driving her car to form a big "no" for the man in the plane.

Tap, tap, tap. Eleanor's watch in the exam. Tapping as she wrote. Little irritations. Al and Celia both had legs bouncing up and down. Nervousness and tension I suppose. One on either side and bounce, bounce, bounce......

Grey skies are beautiful sometimes. There's nothing to break them up. I associate them with the holidays at my dad's boss's caravan. We go there most years, have done for a long, long time. It's very quiet there, not many other people. Fiercely cold sometimes, but I love it still. I have such fond memories of walking wet and barefoot across a stony beach with a grey sky and icey drizzle falling eating ice cream. Painfully happy and I don't even know why they hurt, why they make tears prick my eyes. They're bound up in fierce happiness and innocence. But not a lost innocence, just a different one.

Your daughter sounds like quite a girl. Very powerful. She owns you too I think? As far as anyone could. Like King Canute, ordering the waves back - but he did it to prove that he couldn't that he wasn't that powerful. She does it because she can?

It's only proof the system is working. It still doesn't preclude that their system could have worked too if it hadn't been for the other system being entrenched everywhere already. I had the idea of checkerboarding counties with different systems. ok, this time, i even heard them shut off the tub after the water came streaming down. The buddhist neighbors are petting my cat with the belled collar, and the ice-cream cart vendors bells are going wild. We won't know if commune-lifestyles could be self-sustaining as long as they have to pay for property and various taxes. It would be interesting to compare all the taxes and outside rents to welfare payments in that area. Our american natives are frowned upon as having a lazy attitude, and yet they survived centuries before their system was eradicated. You and i have changed over our time together. I wouldn't have missed you when i first met you, and certain things like 'fondness' or 'trust' didn't exist then, but i was just as open hearted when i first met you with no less genuinity. I think you miss a lot with this presumption that people have to know your personality intimately to have a loving relationship with you. Your specific examples may well have been fake, but that doesn't mean it doesn't happen. I met a couple folks last night at church, and after 30 seconds we made plans to go on a hiking trip next week. I hit it off well with a dozen others I met last night too. I see no reason at all why can't get along instantly like a cousin at a family reunion that I haven't seen in 20 years. I operate like folks are angels and trustworthy good friends until they prove themself otherwise, and it seems to work just fine. I'm as genuine with these folks as I am with my girlfriend. I know of no reason 'not to be'. (the opposite of you who are looking for a reason 'to be'.) You never know the strength of a relationship until you test it out anyhow, life is short, better to start tomorrow rather than three years from now. I consider mandy a good friend. I didn't let my take on her as someone who lashed out on society in her pain from extending myself to her. A person can like or love any personality type. I start with love and may grow to like their personality later. The strongest love is when you can love the guys putting that bear in a tiny cage while you cry for what they're doing, not unlike the unconditional love of a mother. You feel sorrow for their ignorance, not hatred. I have no expectations that you reach that point, but in the matter of friends, I can ask you to consider what system works.

I saw the word 'cyst' floating around here somewhere. The eye has miraculous self-healing capabilities. You might have some particle that gets encapsulated and ejected, and finally rubbed out of the corner of your eye. That picture of a little cyst i have is strong. i hear a blower, and see the word motorcycle. i should start some work on my moped project.

I always wear sandals. You can just tilt your foot and twinkle your toes to get rid of such problems. hmm. sounds like a car ad, using separation as a motive to sell more cars, they do that here too. [undisclosed thought] I like gray skies when they are thick enough to be considered an entity themself. You should be a poet or writer. You so beautifully describe your moemories. Yeah, she owns me. I hadn't thought about it in such terms before. I was thinking of parting the red sea last night and relating it to the time I halted a boulevard because my lost cat was running across it towards me. Often my motive is simply because I can, like making yourself trigonometry problems to solve thing you don't need to know. It's good practice in case things come up, like lost cats.

I'm letting go...the right thing will show itself

Dang ads with their subliminal family management content. Yeah, well don't drift off. Not every way of letting go works out. Busy thinking about spirit side of some people in my life recently. *hurries to leave comment before going through to-do list.*

Yeah, I know. I guess I'll never be able to be utterly happy for the rest of my life. But it's not that bad, you know. I can find happiness in small things, like learning an expression in new language, reading an interesting book, watching a good movie, eating candy, etc.

There also happens to be a lot of property crime - burglaries and the like in Northern NSW. People might be friendly but that doesn't seem to stop them breaking and entering. I accept that people can be friendly at first contact. There really shouldn't be any reason why wnyone would be antagonistic towards someone they've just met. What I find strange is when people act like they already know me when they don't. I can be friendly to a person I have just met, but I'm not going to invite them to my house. If anyone did that to me I would be wary too. You don't stick your hand in a hole unless you know what's in there. In the same way you shouldn't accept that people are all good......or all bad, but you don't know do you? They could be either. It's sad to not trust a good person, but it is disaterous to trust a bad person.

Your American Indian analogy bothers me. It's like people here saying that the Aboriginal people made no impact on the land while white people do. The Aboriginals made no impact on the land because there were only about 300,000 of them occupying an entire continent. None of the farmed anything, and they frequently died during drought. They built nothing. There's no comparison between the impact of a small group of people who basically live like animals, and millions of people living in a complex society. Which system can support the current US population of nearly 300 million? The Native American way of life couldn't. You can't condemn our system when it works to provide for so many people. Imagine a small group people living on a tropical island. Fruit grows on the trees and there is plenty of fish. There is one cave with enough room for the people. For 10,000 years there has only ever been a small group of people on the island so there is enough food for the people there, however occasional storms, droughts and el Nino effects have resulted in some famines. Inter-tribal war also keeps the population in check. The system they have works great, for a few people it works great. Then one day another group of people land on the island and set up a colony. The colonists decide to build a town, cut down trees and start to farm since the fish supplies are getting low and the fruit does not always feed the larger population. Eventually the colonists, working with the islanders, discover a cure for the virus in the cave. Populations start to boom. People need houses, food, doctors, plumbers and the rest. By 2002 the small island has a population of 250,000, mainly living in tall apartment buildings in the capital city. In order to feed these people, a lot of the forest hasbeen cut down to make way for farming, and other forested areas are now covered by the city, but technology, irrigation and horticultural practices have meant there is no longer any famine. People must pay for their food somehow, so they must contribute something to society to receive a note they may exchange for food - money.

Now, take the original population of that island, say 200, and place them in the new society. They will be provided for somehow, however, if you landed 250,000 people on that island in one hit, and expected then all to hunt and gather and live in caves, it would be a disaster. Which system actually provides for more people? The capitalist system feeds many more people than hunter gatherers can. Hunting and gathering makes no impact on the land because it can't sustain a large enough population to do so. People die of starvation so the population is kept low, even without all the diseases Europeans brought with them. I can sit under a coconut tree drinking coconut milk by myself for decades. You could say that my coconut system works, and makes no impact on the environment. Does that make it better than capitalism? Put 200 people under that tree and see how much impact is made and how soon everyone dies. You can't compare how American Indians lived and how we live now and say their system was better because it made no impact on the environment. Didn't they eat each other?

My mum wears sandals a lot. She gets swollen feet. Because she's overweight. I wish that she wasn't. But I don't want to guilt her into losing weight. I don't want to lose her to the lifestyle. Is that selfish? I can't imagine being without her. Poor Sarah, she lost her mum

Twinkling toes. That makes me think of the woman on the horse in the nursery rhyme. How did it go? Ride a cock horse to Banbury Cross. There was somethng about a woman with rings on her fingers and bells on her toes, she shall have music wherever she goes.

Thick grey clouds. Or gray clouds rather Like pea soup. I like that picture, what a lovely image, thankyou

A compliment? I need that! I love to write but I find it hard to reach that point where it just flows out, when it comes it comes. I can't do it when I try! There are so many poets who produce work that I hate - Simon "Bloody" Armitage. I mean, why???

In a story that I read (Brother Cadfael's Penance) there is a discussion about what is owed between a father and son. The idea that there can be no debt whatever one gives up for the other. Ownership between a parent and a child is like that too - it isn't possession but freedom. I love the idea that a caged inmate can still be free. Freedom isn't outside but inside. Most people who think they are free aren't. I've touched it but sometimes I like to be caged, it feels safe. I'm afraid of going into the outside world. Hmmm. There's a guy I know but none of these thoughts are familiar to me, or the feelings and I'll just take thesafe route. Don't break out of the cage. I know myself. I think I do. That "knowledge" probably cages me more than anything.

The Red Sea is rather grandiose. If you did it, would it be for a purpose or just because you could? It's strange we all do things just because we can. Mountains that provide no shelter or resources yet they've all been climbed. People are complex beings And there, my point reflected in yours, I hadn't even read that next sentence of yours. Oh, is that how you spell sentence? Sentance?

Practice. Of course. We prepare. We like to prepare. Why? It makes us feel safe......

Hope you noticed this survey has been continued elsewhere. Pleasure in little things is good. Pursuit of them shouldn't exclusively drive you, and their absence shouldn't disturb you. You can appreciate these things better in a state of grace and surrender, otherwise you'll be eating an ice-cream, but busy thinking of the next ice-cream to come.

I think the worst two experiences I have had were: when i was living with a killer/con-man that had screwed over many of the neighbors in the local woods. I loaned them my bank card when they went to town for groceries because they needed to cash a check for a redwood table they made for a client. I called the bank the next day and discovered that they had cleaned out my last $150. If not for that, I wouldn't have found soon after that the lord was able to cover all my food and shelter needs without my asking anyone, without a dollar to my name. Also, I learned new sorts of spirit vision from the man, so it was still sort of worth every last penny. The other was a gal who also taught showed me more about the origins of our universe and some spiritual tricks (I slept with her too), but she immediately broke up T and I (we got back to together months later). Again, several heavy life lessons that were well worth the trauma.
Without risk, you become inert entropy. It's not living. I only get screwed over a fraction of what others could expect when I step in with the innocence of a child where angels fear to tread, and learn from the experience. That takes practice.
That said (stepping into known danger), how are you going to make friends if you don't even take the low risk of inviting them to your home? Do you have some other method? .. or do you simply plan frienships to evolve over years of a few words at the water cooler? Life is short.
So they didn't populate in excess of the earths ability to support them. They didn't cut down forests, drain coal and oil reserves, then move onto radiation poisoning. If we had set our societies progress at renewable energy limits three-hundred years ago, things would be much differrent. We would probably have ZPG controls. I have two cats. Though i could probably make some clever arrangements to have 16 cats in my apartment, I don't see that that's a better arrangement. For a person that doesn't invite strangers home, I find it strange that you imply that filling other galaxies with people would be better. I wasn't suggesting that we become hunter/gatherers anyhow. In fact really I wasn't in this instance talking about technical level at all, but rather distribution of work and ownership. The basic principle of communism is that everyone works for the collective good, not their personal welfare, and everyone shares everything, more or less. It puts much less strain on the planets resources and encourages something closer to living involved in society than purchasing lonely appliances. If you have incidences of people breaking & entering, it's unlikely they support such a philosophy unless they have a polluted 'robin hood' variant of achieving it.
Please note this survey has been continued elsewhere.
again, i have to rush to workgroup without doing any homework.