Talk to yourself out loud in public.

The onion is not finely chopped but there aren't those huge rings. It's a quartered slice I think. The bun is sesame seed but I don't think the diameter is as wide as a whopper bun. It's sort of stacked high but seems to stay together better than a whopper. The fried egg isn't runny, but it would be Ok if it were. Crap I'm hungry now!

Isn't a woman's peak sexual drive around 40? Gees, look out world! It's pretty cruel that men peak at about 20-25 while women peak in their late 30's early 40's.

I'm at work now (very unusual for me but it's really slow) ....
This is making me hungry too!

Wow! I can't see a thing.... I hate this slow connection at work - there's so much information on this page that it comes up as blank boxes for every reply! Never seen anything like it! I'm bored, I think I'll try to find some work to do or maybe I should just go home.... At least I can read the replies there!

Cruel? naw.....
There are plenty of young guys out there that desire the attention of an older, less rigid and moral woman. Someone who has been there done that and is willing to be both a mattress and a sounding board. Someone already established in the world on her own, not needing anything from them but their evil dirty little minds and a inch or eight of their time It's funny to me how the younger ones I have talked to online like to actually *talk*...to share their feelings state their fears...share their darkest dirtiest desires hoping for reassurance from someone a little wiser. Happy not to have to play that Madonna/whore game like with the girls their age and instead get some mothering after they cum...and not have to pay for dinner and a movie to get off.
My body in no way waited for 40. This started in my early 30's. Maybe brought on or enhanced by the fact that I swore off men in real life for something sweeter, more romantic and secure, perfect and reliable, angel, mother, friend 9 years ago. My body doesn't listen to logic. My hormones don't relate well to reasoning. I just want to be fudgeed by a man. I've done a really good job so far not giving in. I take a certain amount of pride in that. Self control....of course, don't think the risks involved aren't great motivation to stay faithful to one.

Anyway, it pains me to think other women aren't as sexually motivated as I am. I disagree that they aren't. I think I have met a lot of them online. Wild, sexy...dirty gurlies.

I'm hungry too....but not for food....

I'm back to work today at 3. Training for the evening shift. training sucks...no one answers my questions properly and they expect me to know everything without being shown and then they come down on me when I make mistakes and they look at me like I have three heads when I can actually pronounce the names of all the medications and tell them what they are for or when I use the proper terms concerning symptoms of Alzheimer's without any of them having once discussed Alzheimer's with me at all during my first week of training. I am just going too take this one day at a time. One moment at a time. Do what is right. Do what is right. Do what is right. The evening shift is 3-11. Hopefully it will be more one on one time with the residents instead of just glorified housekeeping and diaper changing and paperwork. I know those things need to be done and I do them gladly with a smile, but how important is it really that the sink is clean underneath when residents are bored out of their minds and wandering aimlessly looking for someone to listen to them or walk with them. I care too much. Life would be so much easier if I was a moron who didn't give a crap for humans and just could be satisfied going through the motions like everyone else I see around me. I still want to just shake them. Shaken moron syndrome...let it go...let it go....let it go.....be kind...try to see it through their eyes.....listen to Kristal....she's right....she's right.....they've all been jaded by the despair of this disease, that's it....and dying...people they've cared for and tended to...die.....and they get all....shut down....it's ok.....it's ok.....

Things I have learned from this experience:
Life is beautiful when you are free. Make the most of every moment. Dance in the pleasure of it all and don't sweat the small things because everything is small compared to what I have seen this week.
I can work full time and still have energy to play with my family.
My daughter is strong and responsible and supportive and doesn't need to be mommied constantly anymore.
My SO and daughter would support me and love me and help me even if I said, "I am going to the moon and that means you have to do all the grocery shopping and cooking for the next three years because going to the moon is what I think will make me fulfilled."
All the stuff I used to dwell on and worry and suffer about was pointless and shallow and I was a dummy!
Money means even less than it used to even though I have more now.
Things are just things....insignificant.
I can live anywhere, do anything, try whatever I want...I am free to choose and I am free to change things if they do not fulfill me.
My family is still everything to me but I do not have to *do* everything for them.
I want to take care of my health so I am strong enough to do the things that I need to do to be a good role model for my daughter and be around for a while.
The opposite of love is fear...not hatred.

Oh good, I like reading Kristal's comments, they're so....okay I can't remember the right word but I know what I mean. Wow, apparently I even think sweetly. I seem to be wired all emotional and and little intellect....so I've been told. It's true, but she seems to think it's a good thing. Interesting. I only have to take music theory because I'm in orchestra. If you take a music class, then you write a music theory exemption exam at the beginning of the year. I don't know any music theory, so I'm forced into taking these classes, and writing two music theory exams, one in january and one in june. I hate music theory. It is so much like math. I GOT INTO CO-OP!!!! Co-op is a class where you go to a workplace and work there without getting paid, for the experience. I'm going to do interior design/decorating, fashion design or hairstyling. I'm really excited. I think some teachers make up the grades. I got a 71% on my biology test. That's a pretty good mark for bio, I'm not good at biology. Hmmm....I should probably decide what I want to do in university soon. They put a lot of pressure on you to like, plan out your whole life before you even hit your last year of high school. I hate pressure. Anyway, school is almost over for the year, so I'm excited about that. I have 5 more classes tomorrow. I don't know what to do about wednesday though. I have gym class first period. Then I have a free (for an hour) then in bio class we're dissecting frogs, which I refuse to do, so I have another hour off. Then at lunchtime and last period, my history class is having a party. So I'm either not going to school all day so I can stay home and study for exams, or I can just go for the party. I don't know what I want to do. I want to go and have greek food at our greek party, but I also want to stay home and study. maybe I can wake up relatively early and study before I go, and then I can come right home and study more. I have English and History on friday (exams). English is never hard, but it is all on Julius Caesar, and I didn't understand that whole play. We were on act two, and then I missed a couple classes, came back and we were on act 5 and everyone was like, dead. Anyway, I better figure that out by friday. I think it's coming along. I need to work out math too. I don't know how to do it, and I need a really good mark to get into advanced math next year. Apparently I need to take advanced math 11 and 12 in grade 11 so that I can take precal and cal in grade 12. I am so sick of school. Oh well, only 5 more hours of it. Then exams, then a few orchestra rehersals, we go play at graduation and I'm finished for two months. Wow. This has gotten quite long. I'd better stop.

That was a reply to you.

Oh sure, now you were a teenager. [undisclosed SC related thoughts] *recalls camping on roofs of park restrooms, in bathtubs, hammocks, and other teen places*

oh so tired, stayed up all night. wonder if i should just got to sleep? *sympathy* sees 'fix' and briefly thinks 'like a cat?' (sorry) It's fine, remain anonymous. Is that X? Though really, I think you get away with any truths here and be just as accepted. (and if you're trying to keep something from your SO, don't bother even commenting anonymously). ok, what do we have here? Having affairscan make drift further from your SO and worsen matters. Others are mysterious, there's new discovery and hope of something better, compared to what you know you have at home. But really you Don't know what you can have at home, only the habits you've developed so far. Make something new happen at home. (unless he's unwilling to change.) No matter who you end up with, you're going to have to learn 'making it work' when the initial magic wears off. oh, it becomes obvious now. (pretty sure) well, it should be easier to help 'again' now. (also makes me much more sypmathetic to all involved) What I said still applies. Find freedom in your existing life. Date your SO. Make an art of finding wild cheap new things to do together. something of which you can say 'this is living'. Don't be hard on yourself to instigate change in yourself. No lasting sort of change you'd want would come from that. some more assurance of what i'm dealing with would help.

She was probably way stressed and self-absorbed with running her show. You didn't fit with what her mind was overloaded with. Well, you got some sunshine; there are plenty of times that it's not till later that I see how some uncooperative person was unwittingly working upon my benefit in the larger scheme of things (if not a direct karmic response to the quality of my thoughts). Letting go of things is always good. Usually it means better things are to come. But one of lifes lessons is being able to let go of anything, eventually your entire life, without it burdening your heart. The stuff [thought censored by spirit] I'm handing you is meant spiritually, but i hope you can see that it works even from a psychological perspective. I never was much on snowball fights, but i loved making loopy toboggan runs and giantic snow creatures. (presumes from here on that people realise i'm visualising instances of the subjects I discuss (getting tired of typing))

If you really can't tell if one note is higher than another, then yeah, guitar probably isn't your thing. You're tapping dots because you wrote about tapping away. Seed thoughts broadcast. ..and a neighbor going by here. (intersperse lessons on Islam from a radio show) (again, too tired to tap) ¥"the koran came in segments, and suddenly mohammed would be seized in a trance.." (..and type SC comments) *recalls my excellent (nearly blind) choir teacher who had us warm up singing scales and such* *pauses for research on todays annular solar ecclipse happening in the next hour or two (and supposedly the next one for years, but that's what they always say, wait, maybe it has been that long since the last one.)* I was typing everything (remember what survey where in), i notice any typos. Your bro just had exmas, eh? does that celebrate the last death of christ? (after all, we celebrate his birth and rebirth). ok, i'm being usless here. It was jovial lighthearted sarcasm, yeah, i was making fun of your comment, sort of like going camping, and someone says, hey, i found a flashlight for you, doesn't have any batteries though. and of course it's not even that ludicrous here, because if you thought of the word, it belongs in this survey even if you have no clue what it means. I do have brutal and cynical thoughts occur to me at times, and part of the idea of this survey was for us to accept that we do think these things at each other, even if we dismiss them right away &/or really dig the person that triggers these thoughts. I've been a saint for very brief periods, but i'm fairly ensconched in my ego these days. Grotty? Is that a standard brit term? My friend T has a beige cat with red eyes named bianca. She's a sweet princess dog. (like her owner was at times) When i watched them here for a few weeks, she'd hang out in the middle of doorways and snarl whenever one of my cats tried to get past. She was lovey, as long as she was number one. (again..) Shimmering satiny nearly flouresecnt vivid tangerine, lime, cyan, lavendar, magenta are the sort of colors that are fashionable in LA, especially the rave scene. The classics, black, blood red, eggshell, are always around, and there's plenty of dingy gray-blue too. So are desert-y earth tones like sage and russet. Consider the climate. England probably dresses like further north here, SF or Portland, where rain and fog reign (somber earthy jewel tones). There's not a color or palette not represented in my wardrobe. Think of austin powers colors or japanese animé, perhaps for LA. The strangest thing to show up here lately is a deep peachy orange-red. Blood red with blue-black denim was big a couple years ago, and sky blue with white shows up here big at least every four years. Magenta has steadily gained popularity over the last few years, recently in soft hot-pink variants. really going off here. obviously i love color and fashion. There's not a color imaginable you can't get as nail polish here (and i have at least the primaries to mix my own) royal-blue slate / forest, with chiffon and lavendar iridesence, for example. There were 6 varieties of tangerine when i went looking for that, and since i was looking for a tangerine shurbut, i got a flourescent orange called 'summer peach' as a top coat (don't know why they call it that) with a platinum/gold metallic (yes, all the metal are available as a component) satin tangerine called 'lagoon' (that name don't make sense either) as a top coat. I wear tangerine shurbut lipstick with a pink frost topcoat (and a shimmering violet undercoat if I want to mute it into an earth tone).
I once designed the tub/shower/toilet you mention as a space and water saver. But no, i meant your later take. Here, I've never seen one without the other in the room too, although many apartments or second bathromms only have a shower, no bath. I recall in my HS french class that they were seperated: la salle de bains et la toilette (or WC) (sometimes equipped with bidets, which i've never seen in the US).
I have dozens of coke bottles full of herbs, jars of shells, rocks, color sorted clothes dryer lint (for paper making), parts of broken knick-knacks, weird chemicals, odd hardware, feathars, candle stubs, cat whiskers, you name it. But actually I was digging out my empty jars to resort my jars full of stuff in with matching jars instead. is this weird, or what. It's like a cross between a museum and a witches apothecary. hmm, do i..? Yes, I have photos of jars too. Mostly perfume bottle catalogs. (recall i make perfumes and lotions) in fact, as soon as I get some sleep, i need to make some for my daughter b-day. Didn't see 'memento' yet, i just know it will have something to do with T and I. 'High Art' turned out to have a lot to do about us too.
I take it 'soldiers' is food, and not cannibalism or some obscure reference to oral sex. This eclipse is so cool. I made a gray filter with two polarizer filters offset 90º, then made an adapter to fit them into a larger camera lens, not unlike the eclipse itself. My phono rang with no one there at the moment it started. I suppose there will be some other indication when it's at it's fullest. I showed it to three of my neighbors already (the attractive teen and the eternally jovial buddhists).
I was likening hitler and disney. they were both influential visionaries. I wanted to be the next disney sinceI was five. My education since i was a kid was wrapped around that thought. and then the goal of angel requires knowing much more yet. They're the same thing. wonder exactly what sort of prayers i should be makingduring this eclipse. Getting too tired to think about comments. Think I'll sleep as sun comes back. Seems like my typical vampire giving energy tide. Yay, I got my picture. inevitable strawberry short cake associations. Radio goes on about icings and ponies. Relates brown spectacles to eclipse photo and sleep. Goodnight. what time is it there? 2:30 am on the 11th. Wonder if she's up. The rest of these comments are going to have to wait.

Do you look at guy porn on the net? Does it make you horny for your female partner or do you want to go out and find a dude?

Ahhh! The joys of youth.... (I wonder if any of it has anything to do with my arthritis?)

Oh, it's this survey again. I'd temporarily forgotten it. Another surprise. I'll just check my email before I read her reply - oh I was going to email Kristal. Humph, that was a lot of spam and no emails from my friends. What's happened to A? He must be revising! I doubt it. But I've been sent a joke or two from a mailing list. They haven't been very funny recently. Hmmm, not very funny and I've heard it before. The next one could be better? Not even a smile. Better but not funny. I saw the first episode of Six Feet Under yesterday, now that *was* funny! But sad. If I'd been alone there were moments when I would have wept. The mother's grief. The Lady of Shallot, the painting is hanging on the wall. She's finished, over, pained. It makes me think of a terminally ill patient who has given up the fight and is just waiting to die. But it still hurts, but there's so little life left. But what there is burns brightly. The daughter smoking drugs to make her day "burn a little brighter" - she's already my favourite character.

I should read her reply.

I have a copy of the Koran (Qu'ran?) last summer. From Waterstones, it was a hot summer's day but I knew what I wanted. I started reading it, back to front like it advised. I liked it but I didn' get that far. Things overtook me and I lost the book. I found it again the other day but I'm too busy now. I have a small Gideon Bible that I was trying to read a bit of every night. I wanted to at least read the Gospels. The Sermon on the Mount I've read before for GCSE RE and I found it amazing. He must have been quite a speaker - he or He? I wonder if he was metaphorically the son of God, the all mankind. Too deep. Way too far for me - today at least. Rose talcum powder. If you squeeze the bottle a miniature cloud is thrown up - a puff of smoke or a nuclear mushroom. Encased in a pink bottle. Everything is inside everything else. Like onions. I wrote a poem here about onions. Very spur of the moment. But it was okay. Mostlt my poems aren't okay, but one day they might be. Why give up because I find it hard? I want to keep ploughing my furrow. Who am I today? Am I speaking (typing?) as myself? Sometimes I'm not sure that the words are my own, even when I feel them. I should read some more of teh reply.

In primary we learned our scales by singing "Bo Bobbies" I still have no idea what that meant. We would just sing and sing and sing until nobody could go any higher. I always sung high but I was always put to sing the lower part, it was hard to do that. A challenge again. I have a wet patch on my t-shirt, I lay in some chocolate and I had to wipe it off. I spilled my dinner down me too. What a scruff!

I thought I was going to burn the house down yesterday. The toaster started to smoke. Perhaps i shouldn't toast seed bread. I wonder if my half hour online is nearly up? I have to go and do some work after that. More sociology. Karl Popper, Thomas Kuhn, Sayer, Positivism, Realism. I know those. I want a sociology as a science question. With any luck I'll get it. I once prayed for a miracle. Except it wasn't a miraculous thing, but I believed that if it came true it would be a miracle. And it did. My miracle. I still believe that even though it was probably all a coincidence. Lancelot had to have his miracle, even though he never touched the grail, he got his miracle. I think I may have talked about this before.

My brother's in an exam now. History. I want him to do so well. He's never been as academic as me and my older brother but he really knows his history and he's worked so hard at it. My older brother got a B and I got an A. I want my younger brother to get an A* so badly. He thinks he should get an A or a B but I want him to beat us. Because he's always felt academically less than us and I want him to prove to himself that he can be better, he just has to find his subjects. Competition means I should want him to do badly, but I love him so much. I want him to do better than me. I hope he's doing well. He'll be devestated if he doesn't get his B at least. Poor kid. Please be doing well Joe. You know your stuff, get it down on the paper, do it well. I'm there with you.

I have appalling thoughts sometimes, and I wonder where4 they came from. Racist thoughts that I don't believe in any way shape or form. Absolutely not. That's not me in denial, it's teh truth. But they suddenly burst into my mind like someone else was thinking them in there. Ooops, now I'm going to sound like I have multiple personality disorder, but that's not true at all. I think that I just sometimes have the thoughts that I might have if I was someone else. But they sicken me sometimes, why should they exist inside my head. I'm not a brutal person, I don't feel my brutal thoughts, but I do have them. I have no idea what they stem from though.....

Grotty is pretty common around here. There used to be a show called Grotbags about a witch with green skin. 80s tv programmes! I've been watching Robin of Sherwood the last few days. I bought the first season (2 videos) a couple of years ago but I never watched them all, so I settled down to watch one the other day and they're great. They have the cheesiest music ever and the picture quality and special effects are bad, but it's still great. Iknow every word of the dialogue though, and every twist and turn of the plot because I read the book of the series. I've read it more times than I care to think (its a big book and I must have read it at least 50 times) I always reread my favourite books, they're comforting.

What colour is eggshell? The Americans have white eggs don't they? That's weird, we (Brits) see brown eggs as the best. With chickens anyway. I saw someone cook an omlette from a robins egg once. Bizarre.

I love peaches, everything about a perfect peach is beautiful. That soft fur, the colours mingling to give that orange-red. The scent that makes you salivate in anticipation, the taste, the juice leaving a sticky cling. It's so rare to find a perfect one though. If only clothes could be scented - you coulkd wear cloth with the colour and texture of a peach's skin and every time you moved it coukd give off a faint aroma of peaches. Not a skin perfume, but the cloth itself. Hmm.

Fashion's never been my thing. In that respect I suppose it reflects my personality. I never go clothes shopping until i need to, then i buy what I need in sensible colours and sensible styles and wear them until they're worn out. My mind is flamboyant enough in its own way, I don't want to draw attention to myself. Although dressing as I do, i would probably stand out in LA! I have a friend who wears just what she wants - pink makeup and glitter, fishnets, chopped up bought clothes, ties all mixed together and she always looks great. Or the lad from school who went to the leaver's ball in a smart suit with pink strappy high heels and a hat - I've seen the pictures and he looked amaxing. Pity he wasn't in a skirt though - he looks truly incredible in a skirt!

Yuck, bidets! I've never seen them in a ladies toilet, just in the mens. When I was small and my dad would take me to public toilets with him, I remember seeing them then and asking what they were. Japanese toilets have them built in, with lots of other possibilities too. Graham Norton pressing a random button to see what it would do and getting soaked.

I'd make a good cannibal I think, I'm a good cook and I could present human flesh in a variety of recipes. But I'm a avegetarian so not for me I suppose. Soldiers are toast sliced into strips for dipping into soft boiled eggs.

It's been a long time since I saw an eclipse - there was a partial one here about 2 or 3 years ago - it was a toatal one in Cornwall - they showed it on the telly, but just a bite out up here, and it was pretty cloudy. But it got darker. We set up a screen using binoculars to cast the light onto it - it worked pretty well too.

I was just going to bed at 2:30 am this morning. I wonder what time it would have been when it was 2:30 am there. 10:30/9:30am perhaps? I was up quite early this morning, everyone went out, I don't like sleeping in when I'm the only one in the house - they have to leave the key behind inside so they can't lock the door. i get nervous sometimes. I have American Hard Gums to eat while I do my revision My half and hour is up!

{There is some comfort in being anon, I don't know what it is. So little pressure from myself to put on a brave face- to be proper and kind and censored. Yuck. This diet drink tastes like crap, what the hell am I trying to lose weight for- I am happy with my body but I hate thinking that others think I am fat... killing myself to be accepted... story of my life... I wish that I knew how to italic} You are a beautiful person, Kristal. You know all the right things to do. I am just an idiot that has a hard time doing them.
{A left her husband yesterday- how I am jealous of her in some ways... J's baby shower was so nice, I can't wait til she has the baby, I hope she names him Jackson like I suggested}
I am feeling a little more stable today, my period is over so that may have alot to do with it. I have not called T since Saterday morning. I have next Tuesday night free... I want to go out with him but I know I should not. My SO won't go to the amusement park with me on Friday... I asked him so nice too.... I bet T would go if I asked. But I won't. I can't do that. {I want to}
{Crap. I just called T and he is going hiking over this Friday -Thursday or the next and so he does not know if he can go out with me on Tues. he said he wouild call me. I highly doubt that he will now. He seemed like he did not really care to see me or talk to me... but I could be wrong.. I hate this. I wish I had the balls to just come out and ask him straight if he wants to see me or if he dosn't.... maybe I will just go out by myself then. I bet I could find a good karaoke club to go to..} I really need a change whatever it may be I don't know. I always thought when I got married that we could have fun together, now he does not want to go do anything with me... like he is ashamed to be with me.. the last time we went out to a club he would not even dance with me and we used to go all the time when we were first married. {It's cause' he thinks I am fat I bet... that ass-hole brought home a candy bar for me yesterday and some soda pop.. he knows I only drink diet now... he waved them in my face. I think he is just rude. I did not eat them. Showed him. He thinks that if he keeps me this heavy he won't lose me as his maid and cook. He is right- but I will lose the weight, even if I get sick from it.}I have not actually had an affair, my SO *is* "fixed like a cat" So I am really careful about that. We have made out, but hardly anything happened. Just leaves me feeling more excited, if you catch my drift. Not that I don't want to finish what I started... I am just afraid to do so.{Oooohboy, do I want to finish it... I hope T calls me.}

Yes. Yes. Yes.

You are reliving my married life. How odd.
I feel for you. My husband was exactly like that. It took me a long time to figure out it was something wrong with him and not me, a marriage should be a friendship. It should build you up not tear you down.
I wish I hadn't stayed in mine so long(8years)and become so very depressed and ashamed and down on myself. It only gets worse. How about counseling...your hubby could be blissfully stupidly unaware of all this or not know how best to cope with your needs. Therapy might help him.

<*i>this is how you do italics<*/i>but without the *
I keep trying to figure out who you are even though it shouldn't matter...funny humans aren't we?

check email first; smart gal. heres radio say nefretiti [SC unrelated censored thought] mind wanders to tonights spiritual workshop. Please don't go sending me jokes. I can always delete them, i suppose it's better to have the opportunity than none. My desktop photo was the Lady of Shallot for about a year. It's carved desert utah canyons at the moment. i've been waiting to combine two prior photos, a coca-cola beach ad, and some tropical beach. peww, cats. oup, olfactory halucination. Didn't i check the mail last night without even opening it? that can be dangerous, better find it. Two bicycle catalogs. They must be buying into my internet log. Hmm, new card 0% for 6 mo.s then 11%, lets seei if i use it for groceries while paying off a higher card what will i get stuck with. ..same amount on an 1% higher card, but 6 mos of not having paid it accrue. hmm.. a gamble. These card tricks get more complex all the time. And I'm sure the've calculated my all patterns to offer this card too. Ok, you're probably not ready to learn card rate gambling. That does sound tragically intimate. Someone recommended reading the Q'ran backwards? ok, deleting this first italic bracket takes 7 keystrokes no matter which way i do it. Hey, I can tab in and out of the text box easier than any mouse. Radio says things like "i saw god". good grief, this is amost sounding smutty. and now love songs. Smells burning toast from the neighbor again. Yeah, I figurud out last night that maybe I didn't want to mix lawn mower gas next to the stovetop, and ran the fans on high instead. *recalls housemate whe demonstrated 'safety' of throwing a lit match into a cup of gasoline. amazing i'm still alive after all this stuff.* You're like the gal I saw on 'High Art' reading dostoyevsky. Librarian glasses are sexy. Don't recall your miracle right now. I get them all the time. It's like our topic synchronicity, but stronger. Focus with belief is a powerful thing, and I know you're going to be traversing it It was 'Claire' Lynch singing "God spoke his name". (a bluegrass song). because you seem to get so much already. (lost thought) Remember what the word means: 'Co'-incidence. *Relates call just now about Jury service business reform to spiritual equivalents.* My bro failed HS, but ended up the instructors choice when graduating from the automotive institute. I was quite proud too. Yeah, I'm plagued by the racist impulses too; they go away the moment I have a chance to talk to the person. and if I don't have this inner dialogue going - "i notice red hair too, doesn't mean anything." The thought doesn't occur with my friends, just strangers. Sometimes in my head I even blurt out the N word at those who use it on each other, which I really wish they didn't do. You don't see white folk putting each other down, nor those noble visitors from Nigeria either (whom say they also have a disdain for ghetto thinkers). This is the US, we probably have 14 different types of eggs. I get the 'cage free' variety, since i've seen how even the organic ones are stored in dark inventory shelf cages with conveyors belts for feed and eggs and such. Maybe fiberglass venetian blind roofs would be a decent compromise. I think brown eggs simply come from brown chickens. I once found a complete egg within an egg (back when i was meditating on becoming an immaculate mother). (I grew breasts without hormones too the first time around, until I wished it away after the doctors got me paranoid.) Same here: impulse thoughts i won't bother to feel or nurture. Sexy blouse sh's envisioned. hmm. I don't have any Peach in my perfume collection. It's probably only available as a synthetic. *picks nose* Wasn't I communicating by nostril flaring in a dream last night? *Delights in pink glitter descriptions.* Soft boiled eggs, haven't seen that in years.Guess my mom's lost her irish habits since then. *envisions her sautéing chunks of arm* *recalls great-great-grandfathers war letters about my aunt accidentally taking the sandwich with his weeks egg ration in it to work.* It was 6:30 pm here. It's 8 hours earlier this direction. Not sure we even have American Hard Gums(?) except maybe breath mints and gumballs in machines for 5 year olds. catch ya later again. Nice talking to you.

Sleeping in ditches....

The poverty thing makes me wonder if I'm really doing the right things. I probably do do the right things where the heart is involved though. If I take a shower now, I could say hi to the neighbor gal and give her that toy keychain i found. I also need to start that motor before evening. oh yeah, my car probably needs started today too. If we did a survey on who we thought was fat, it would probably be just a few percent, the real jumbos, and we probably don't think a thing about the rest. Yet (as i keep bring up) 95% of women think they are too heavy. I'm sure they're all just about right. If you only eat nutritionally, and only when you're hungry (not out of boredom), you should be perfect. The ideal women of a century ago would all be considered fat today. Buy a book of Mucha's art-noveau women and compare yourself to their beauty. Most of the guys I talk to claim to like plump anyhow, which adds to it simply being a way for women to impress each other with their discipline (or coffee and heroin addictions). Here in LA billboards, especially around Melrose/Sunset, they don't even bother to hide that the ideal (female) model is on heroin (and vacant) anymore. Do you really want to buy into that? I haven't been able to reach my T since then. Have you told your SO that you'd rather be going to the amusement park with him then daydreaming of fulfillment from someone else? Tell him he has to keep the love alive too. Ask if his thoughs are wandering too, and make an agreement together on what to do about it. It's a risk, but if you win, you get a stronger relationship, and if you lose, well, you were bound to lose eventually anyhow, why prolong the agony. (This is easy to say, not having been there in so long) No, wait, I still go through this, and still swear by it. If you were committed to this fling, he probably would bo too. He's smart, not getting involved in the current dynamics of things. I mean what could you really offer him, being like this, hedging? He probably has different expectations now that he's married. and the candy sounded sweet. Be glad he thought of you. Let him get all hony with the other dance gals, just demand sweetly that the last dance is with you, that you are the one who will always be there for him. He might be having hang ups about how to love and respect you, and still placate his objectification hormones too. Who'd have ever thought I'd be a marriage counselor? Maid! Oh no. Does he take out the garbage in the middle of the night, clean the cat box.. I hope you had him do at least a fourth of the diapers. You're both drifty-dreamy types. work with that realisation. If you can't work together, become new people for each other to keep exploring. Think of all those 50 years that held together yesteryear. People had to work at it. If you don't, you get nothing of lasting value. People got lazy in the seventies. Thought everything would magically work out. Advertisers liked the concept, realised they could sell more toaster ovens. I have never yet seen a good lasting relationship that didn't require continuing effort through all the tribulations.

Oh, I submitted that to you before finishing the comment. One possibility is that he got fixed for mixed reasons. Let me enumerate the ones I had when I got fixed. 1) He has agreed with you what the ideal happy home size is. 2) he doesn't plan on marrying someone else. 3) He'd like to be free to have affairs without ruining the marriage. I doubt he's much different. It's useful to others knowing both genders. Yesteryear (with those 50 year marriages) 70% of guys had affairs (they say not nearly so many women, but then who were the guys having affairs with?), my point is it's a natural inclination, it's how you resolve it that works, and there are no easy answers, certainly not ones that can be prescribed to any generic couple. Think carefully about if this affair can help in the long run. Personally, I doubt it. Also keep in mind, especially after those pregnancies, part of what you want is just knowing you're attractive enough to get someones interest still. You are, leave it at that. You want to repeat the magic of a whole new life unfolding, but that's not going to happen again unless you really do want to remarry, and sacrifice what you've built. I assure you, if you do remarry, it will never be the same, you will pine not having shared those early experiences together with your spouse. It might be easier to accept the situation if you knew what your options were, and knew that you had what you had because you made an empowered choice instead of drifted for whatever seemed to work at the moment. Love cheer up.

reads another kaleb comment. Ah good, at least I still eggs in the fridge. I better eat. Doubt I'll have time to shop today.
*does a ton of daytime activities - plans others* *hears odd noise alerting me that those church people are in their driveway and I can ask about junk furniture in their lot.* *exhaused after moving junk* the days gone by, so much i wanted to do. I can't even read another comment. I'm going to have to leave in a moment and i haven't even got ready, i'll have to prepare what we read on the way over. Something about connecting to folks, that group seems to lose that in all the grand theory. A virtue the lower churches don't forget to implement. Well, we know our prayers are service. I'm too hard on them. I forget their virtues. *helicopter passes* Considers screwing with their readings. opts for love blast instead.

Eating soldiers? That reminds me. You know how they say "Vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?" Well I thought of another question. What do vetranarians eat?

If someones really good at music, the theory's good for being able to explain to others what it is you're doing I almost forgot what survey i'm in. or what they might want to change or try. or if you're going to be a digital musician *recalls show i just heard about digital recording/performance technology* (or even work with sheet music). relates radio host to spirit of preacher i met today. relates radio comment on working with younger groups to my workshop and jemmy. *wonders if I should shut off radio and not channel during this survey* relates radio to different levels of meaning of 'home building'. Yay for her on co-op. 71% is good? I guess not, then. oh well. In college, you need to know what you're going to do in life if you're going to choose the right classes to get there. and besides, so many folks will be leaving home when they leave high school. We don't want everyone spending their life flipping burgers. *recalls son who just started making tacos, hope he plans a career eventually.* *smiles at refusal to dissect frogs* I remember dissecting frogs back in 7th grade. I was the A student paired up with the class clown (bet that wasn't a mistake). He squeezed the frog after the first incision and I got squirted in the face by a stream of formaldehyde, then after we unfurled the tongue, *treats guest cat to tuna tonight, like my guys got after ear mite medicine* i wonder if i should watch star trek even though one of my favorite metaphysical radio shows just started. That new star trek sort of sucks. I'm going to have to manifest some more supernatural scripts. Good, I manifested another unseen episode. Can't believe my son nearly failed gym with that broken leg. too much ditching. *sees various christ energy and interstellar symbology from my slide show screensaver.* hmm.. distracted, can't see where to help. She seems to be on a fine course anyhow. Relates greek food to making falafels the other night, and mention of menu at world hunger event. Didn't understand? How can you even worry about that if you didn't read all in the first place. recalls how i can the jist/lesson of a book in under a minute. *wonders if i can do it with ones that that someone hasn't read yet (as it dawns on me that i've only done it with pre-read books or pre-watched videos.)* Did I say anything to her at all? Talk to ya later.

You absolutely sure on that? Seems to me she's taken a weird direction on that candy bar. On the other hand, I do see a bit of who I used to be in that hubby. I'm good friends and love my ex, and wouldn't be putting her through the same sort of neglect while looking elsewhere a bit, if I could do it over, but probably only because of the lessons gained from leaving her, and learning more about relationship options in general. I think were both doing a bit of projection and using intuition here, because really, she hasn't said much about him at all. The dance thing sounded crummy. I didn't dance with my ex the last time we went out later, but I always asked if she wanted to dance, she always said no, i wasn't going to be denied dancing, and that last time, we were on a double date, and she wanted to sleep with my buddy. Between us, we might be able to offer a balanced food for thought. Radio speaks about how it's foolish to speak to explicitly when there's no 'hard' data. But I do have my thoughts on who we're talking to.

really confused now. What could arthritis have to do with sleeping in ditches?

Finally spots comment to kaleb on sexuality. sad for a second that i can't seem to keep up with all the comments here. I enjoy sexuality, but time there is time I can't spend on service, prayer, meditation, and other such things. I had to train myself from running away with my sexuality. I block temptations to start thinking about it frequently, and even when I do think about it, don't let in reach a level where the body responds in any way. I still have great fantasies masturbating some nights (or afternoons on very rare times when i decide to let it interfere), and expect a fullfilling partnered sex life some year, but basically, I keep it at just the level where I haven't forgotten it, sort of like the ancient days tripping on L, where once every year or two was enough to recall the state and build on it. Good grief, I just realised that except for my dates every couple of weeks with T, research, or meditating with an occasional movie or hike, and my guitar or interactions with neighbors, I haven't done anything for entertainments sake in years. My life management options, like working on my viewmaster business or spiritual workshops, or making my some much needed transportation, and my talks with my kids have become my entertainments. Except my guitar, going to the beach a couple times a year, or going out with T (and little things like singing to my cats while feeding them), I can't recall doing something for funs sake in years. Maybe that's related to the depressions I've had for years. Huh.. I'll have to see if doing things solely for funs sake will improve my life. I embarked on my comment to show you that doing things for pleasures sake was unnecessary to having a happy life. On the other hand, i think you do thing for funs sake, and get depressed too. Of course the radios been speaking about this topic the whole time too. (being a good kid, having parts of your psyche outside ones awareness in hopelessness, ...) Still, I'l try fun for funs sake, and report back. wondering if that's possible alone, or if i'll have to spend more time with friends.

Cold and dampness have been attributed to be the cause of arthritis (old wive's tales?)

I'm exhausted right now Antony Giddens. Turn the telly off, I don't want to know about Alastair Campbell. (Alistair? Cambell?) My spelling's gone to pots. Whoo, I'm tired....... I hate sociology, waste of my time. But I need the grade. Tomorrow's my first two sociology exams. I'm madly cramming, bad teachers - I haven't learned a thing in sociology all year. My own fault, I should have done the work in my own time. What own time??? I took some photos of bubbles yesterday. I should have been working, but I was sick of it. It's not worth making my self ill. Stupid sociology. And two Biology exams on Monday, I'm not ready. I'm not ready for any of these. And I'm so tired. Someone's walking past shouting England. They're through to the next round of the World Cup, and Argentina are out I got up to watch the game this morning - kick off was at 7:30am here and I didn't go to bed until 3am. No wonder I'm knackered - cream crackered.

I wasn't going to send her jokes. I didn't even want to read the myself much. they were boring. But there've been some good ones in the past. *yawns* Yowch, wake up Claire, you have more work to do after this break. If it is a break.

Our desktop is just a plain blue (default) background, pretty boring. I'm going to have something more interesting when I get my computer. My folder on the desktop has a picture background when it's opened. Warm earthy colours, my favourite drawing.

Hmmmm,,it's nice just to read the words and not think of anything else. It cools my brain down, just reading. Butnow I'm thinking again. Drat.

The Koran's intro said that reading it backwards was often best - it isn't arranged con, con, darn what's that word? I'll be forgetting my own name next. Consecutively, concurrently? Chronologically! That's what I want to say. The Koran isn't arranged chronologically but according to the length of the pieces. The shortest ones are at teh back and they're the best for beginners.

I nearly burned the house down the other night, but I didn't. Did I say that already? Droopy eyelids. Snap out of it Claire!!! You have to work again in 15 minutes or so.

I wonder if the "gal" on High Art is a good thing to be or a bad!

I don't even understand what she means by traversing, how can I be doing it? Or did she not mean me by you? Agh!

Ah, coincidence. Good point. Like breaking down satisfaction. Like Satis House in Great Expectations. Enough house is enough. Great line. Who wrote it? Dickens or Alex? Probably Dickens, I suppose - Alex left the dialogue mostly intact. My find=gers aren't really flying today. I'm just tip-tapping out the words. Slow for me, still faster than my mum What is that spelling of fingers? Deary me.....

I hate the way that eggs are kept. What??? I hate the way that *eggs* are kept? Chickens, I meant chickens. But I don't think that I could give them up. that time I did mean eggs. I tried once, but I missed tham too much. I'd prefer to buy free-range but they're so expensive.....

Did she have to share the nose picking? I suppose we all do it. Now I'm aware of my nose. like the Peanuts cartoon where Linus is suddenly aware of his tongue and that makes it feel alien. My nose is sat there on the end of my head, and it's just there!

I'm a faddy eater, I'll have the same thing for dinner for weeks on end, then I suddenly change and have something different, then I eat that for days or weeks. At the moment it's soft-boiled eggs and toast - I had it again today. I have a strange relationship with food - I don't quite get it. It's not really a problem, I eat a balanced diet overall, but it's odd. I'm odd. And tired.

My younger brother (or was it my older brother) once got my packed dinner and I got his. Normally I wouldn't have cared but on that day I had cold sausage sandwiches that I'd asked for first after we'd had left-over sausages the night before. The dinnerlady went to find my brother for me and she brought him back, but he'd already eaten my dinner. I was cross I think, I may have cried. They were my treat and he got it instead.

nICE TALKING TO YOU too. Stupid caps lock. I wonder where American Hard Gums are from if they aren't from America. They weren't very nice though, didn't taste of anything. *yawns again* I'm so sleepy.....

Oh yeah, I was going to email yu. I'll try and do that before I log off, I have a few more replies to work through first.

I know I had another reply on this survey. But who? Maybe it was joalis. Or juliw? Ah, it was joalis - funny But I don't have an answer for her.....

I guess music theory is good for people like that. The Beegees are good at music though, and they don't know any music theory. 71% is good for bio. I'll be lucky if I get a 71% on the term. I wonder what I'll get on that exam. It'll be really hard. I don't know what I'll do in life. I'm not the kind of person who's job is important to them....you know, some people, their career is the main thing in their life. I can't see myself being like that. I'm gald I didn't go cut up the frogs. I heard it was really really really gross. Squirted in the face with frog insides? Wow....that's sick. Yeah, I heard that they can make you take pal (gym class) again if you don't go enough, even if it's because of an injury. "She seems to be on a fine course anyway" I wonder what that means....I found an amazing website that gave me this whole overview of Julius caesar, with character analysis and everything. It's fantastic, I'm actually starting to understand. Yay! My hot chocolate is ready! Bye!

I think if you find yourself asleep ditches, arthritis is the last of your worries.

Wonders if I've learned as much sociology as i should have this season. I did paintings and photos of bubbles once. recalls thinking of bubble modifications to T's painting las night. thinks i should try calling her. Have to work on C's b-day gifts. 'knackered - cream crackered.' thinks something remotely sexual. recalls 'knickers' term. figures i would have used term 'frazzled'. wonders why siren. Dang, she sounds tired. The gal on high art was a very minor role. but something implied, she was the first asd last word in the story, nothing else going. it started out with her, this bubble headed secretary type asking about the asst editor position, the AE respondedn that she didn't 'assist anyone', went on about wild obscure cerebral majors to get there. then tells the secretary that the dostoyevsky she's reading is what's really cerebral. after the movies past, and the protagagonist has become victim to her industry, a nude photo subject, and having her artist/photographer lover die just after she edits her work into the cover story and gains her own success, the quiet shot of the dostoyevsky gal is as if shes some transcendantly detached observor of the rat race these professionals play. (she was attractive. they all were. i'm a sucker for red hair.) Yes i meant you traversing. Like one traverses a trail, things come your way and you spot them. The few you notice at least indicate you're on the path, and not some other sidewalk at the shopping mall. Interesting stuff about 'great expectations' Unfortunately it costs to vote on how we want our food and animals cared for. If it catches on, the prices will come down. Yeah, I was wondering if I really had to share the nose thing too, but since I was debating it, I decided to stay truthful to the survey, after all, if I censored one thing that a lot of people do, where do i draw the line? I know where I draw the line: spiritual responsibility, and one unmanifest relationship topic. I concluded that i would throw in the nose topic just once as a token, after all, i don't mention every time i smoke a cigarette or the cat jumps in my lap either. Just trying to convey the essence of the thought process. *recalls lyrics to Alice in chains 'heaven beside you'. wonders if i should turn on radio, or search for a CD I can't afford. really have to curb non-vital spending.* A beautiful head, as I recall. Wasn't she the tree too? That could have been someone else. I eat the same way. It frees your mind for more important things, but encourages a sort of entropy limbo. The dinner lady? Where does she live? It'll be nice to get mail from you, just keep in mind, im much slower to respond than on SC.

The beegees are good? Tries to recall what they did. recalls sailing their album across the beach. (well actually M1 did. sure M2 was pissed.) I would have expected you to be keen on figuring out personalities. (maybe they have to be real people). I think this survey is finally slowing down. I can get to some others tonight. Glad something's worked for you. Usually it seem to trivial to me to type such thoughts. Maybe I should though. like exchanging smileys.

I slept fine! I was a kid - kids sleep anywhere (I was knocked out - What a party!). We just don't think about getting our bones cold when we're young!

I like the beegees. They play all sorts of instruments but have never had a lesson in their lives, and they write their own music and tons of music for other artists, but don't know how to read or write music. It just comes to them. They did a lot of stuff, including the saturday night fever soundtrack. What's weird is that they wrote the songs before they were asked to do the movie, or had even heard about it. "I would have expected you to be keen on figuring out personalities. (maybe they have to be real people). " I wonder what she's talking about? What do you mean?

This is a shorter reply Good job because I'm even tireder today! Id tireder a word? Maybe I should just use more tired in the future. The Bill is such an annoying tv show but I've watched it ofr years so I still cock an eye to it every now and then, especially when I'm knackered.

I was thinking of you during my exams today. That man on the telly just said "he got As in his exams" Co-incidence? I had an immense urge, part way through my exam to write my thoughts. Luckily I didn't although I nearly did it automatically!

And your opening line is sociology, like my exam. I probably mentioned it...."I'm not all bad"

Cream crackered? Sexual? Maybe being knackered - like the Roman followers of that sect you knackered themselves using "nut-crackers" like the ones in the British Museum. "They look like nut-crackers" said Liz, and Miss had a fit of the giggles - "in a way that's what they are she said". Then I got stuck behind the barriers in the Tube station. Lost in London, not nice. Look at my nice ordered thoughts today! I've been all ordered today, had to be so that I had all the stuff in my head that I needed. I did well. I rocked. Thank goodness, something had to look up sooner or later after some of the exams that I've done recently.

I wonder who dostoyevsky is. I had a hard time spelling that. Pick at the cricket ball. I don't think that I've heard the name, sounds Russian. I like Russian, it's a great language. I wonder if there's such a thing as an original thought. Nat argued no, I hope she's okay. She was in hospital, I worried, but I didn't go to see her even though it's across the street from school. I don't know why.

I was Jaggers in Great Expectations. The gay lawyer. It didn't say that he was gay, but he was - "Hmmm, I like the look of that fellow....."

I smell

I was a tree. I spent a lot of my childhood up a tree. My tree at the bottom of the garden. An oak, but still quite young, but big enough to lose yourself in and not be seen. The branches went out over the stream that runs at the bottom of the garden. Not in the garden, it isn't ours. As if we could own a stream! Or land even, how can we say we own it. Like the Native American Indians, the Chief Seattle speech, what an amazing piece. We are brothers. Did she mean my head?

Entropy limbo. I'll have to ponder what that means. Good job I study chemistry, although this goes beyond that. Aah, I think that I see.

I don't know where the dinnerlady lives. One lives at the bottom of my road, one lives at the top, and there were others but I don't remember which dinnerlady it was. Oh, does she mean where do I live to have dinnerladies? My lovely village. Devil's bridge - or does it mean water demon? Ought, ught, wught, what's the origin? In Sheffield, well not really in, on the outskirts of. I like it, home.

They mentioned power on the tv. I wrote a whole essay about sociological theories of power today and their relevance to modern Britain. It all links together. Will I become increasingly disordered as time goes on, my personal entropy. On a mental level, physically I will, as I grow and then my atoms spread as I decompose. But mentally, or metaphysically. What exactly is meant by metaphysical. Meta, I only know what that means because of ASB. It was in my revison too, meta-narratives. It all links. Now they're talking about destiny.

Ack, the email. Keep meaning to do that. Don't want anyone else logging in as her. That could make for some scary discussions.

It was the saturday night fever album M1 frisbeed. I don't know the beegees that well. Having been a punk rocker way back then, paying deep attention to the beegees wasn't on my list. anyhow, I know far more about what makes good music then I did way back then. I ended up catching onsome of the disco I missed as a teen when it made a come back, but most complex, intense, or really creative music never makes it to the radio in the first place. Listening to most radio music is more of a 'mood' thing, and even then, there are many moods that will never appear on the radio.
I was saying I think you are sensitive to what people are about, but maybe that's because of an unseen psychic bond or something, something youcould not have with a character in a book.

relates 'the Bill' show to yesterdays research on assembly bills, and the gates windows realm. Hilarious. I find myself ready to write or say my thoughts just about anywhere now too. I wonder if there were ever any ancient societies that actually did such a thing? It feels like the natural thing to do once you get used to it. Relates nut cracker thoughts to 'Bed knobs and broom sticks' movie, and weapon designs for attacking men in armor that occurred to me while watching 'Joan of Arc last night' (half-halberds or lochaber axes with a morning-star that slides up the shaft for wrapping around armored knees). In one scene, joan kick this armored dude in the balls where apparently the armor has vulnerabilities. I'm not sure who Dostoyevsky is. I think it was Leo Tolstoi who wrote war and peace. Maybe he was a poetic peer of marx. It dawned on me that greek mythology may have been great literature because the ideas actually were novel once. But in another sense, the world is built on a fractal seed. A monitor of pixels is not unlike ancient sand paintings. Nat must be a school friend. spots previously missed lite about lost in tubes and 'ordered thoughts'. Relates tree thought to other movie last night (romantic musical (just tolerable, previous renter couldn't handle it all)) with scene taking place in tree. Yes, your head. relates 'entropy' to the other movie title i checked out 'Entropy'. relates this entire flow of subjects to entropy. What makes a dinnerlady a dinner lady? Does she serve someone dinner? I briefly imagined you in some sort of communal home or shelter, to fit in the concept of a 'dinnerlady'. I hope you've read 1984. I've never read a better lecture on the nature of power which helps one understand it in a post-industrial society. hears weird alarm which reminds me how dark a subject matter I just entered. Seed thoughts. If you think about this stuff (metaphysics), you'll get information coming your way about it. 'Meta' is like an umbrella, the physics behind physics. Science limits itself to studying the physical manifestation, not the real how or whys. radio says 'Don't want to give away the game plan'. almost misses last sentence again. Don't worry baout the email what-so-ever. I think if anyone logged in as me, people would know.

Ya never know!

Wonders what the heck Kristal is musing about most of the time... Wonders how she finds the time to write so much... Wonders if she remembers that time I wrote six pages to Kaleb - took me all night to do that and I spent the next day in bed... I wonder if the survey "Let's Create a Play" is evolving - I like that one! I think I'll go there now and put in my 2 cents.
Wonders if Kristal will reply...

"knackered" I haven't heard that expression in years!! I had an American friend who married an English girl, while visiting him at their home in Sussex, he explained the expression to me; only he pronounced it - nah-ked.
He told me that he was "nah-ked" so I said: "Put some clothes on then..."

got back from my folks on wednesday, had a nice stay. didn't find too much when i went junkin'. well, the summer is still young and much more junkin to do. i gave my kid a haircut, it looks good on him, not like a baby anymore, but a toddler, a 'real' kid, if that makes since. talked to cheyenne on the phone to find out what her fav color and animal is so i can get her romm a little prepared for her. she said that she likes all colors the same, smart little thing, and her fav animal is a kitty, i asked what her second fav animal is, she said kitty... love her. my kitties have been finding their way off the roof and are playing around in the grass on the ground, pretty cool, but have to leave the front door open a tad for them to get back inside, need to rig something up in the back for them to get down and up. need to go outside and pull some weeds for the garden, this one is choking the tomatoes. everything else looks good though for now, didn't really 'look' all that good, just sort of glanced not really saw what was down there. down there in california, i wonder how my friend kt is doing. she's not in school for the summer, but i'm sure she's busy w/ work adn all of the other stuff going on there. scotty downloaded some really great music while i was gone, edie brickell, she's pretty cool, got a great voice, reminds me of a mix between janis and alanis. sesame street time time, buys me a few morte minutes to play before i really have to be mom. step mom, that sound weird, for i'm young yet, even though sometimes i feel really ancient. sometimes i still feel like i'm in high school, strange sensations. i'm doing the dread thing w/ my hair again. not sure how i feel about it, i like it for it's easier, but at the same time i want my long flwing hair which is what it would be. would like my hair stroked, never has happened. don't know how it feels but i can imagine it to be awesome, just like a good massage, never haad one but i can sence how it would feel. feel stuffy today. woke up feeling good, but all of a sudden my nose just got all stuffy and am sneezy. happens sometimes. just cleaned yesterday, the house was a mess by the time i got home, although kudos to scotty for doing his dishes, i don't like coming home to all of his dishes, makes me wonder if would be able to 'survive' if i wasn't around. that thought makes me laugh cause i know the answer to that, has gotten into a habit a routine if you will. routines are good but also extremely harmful. need to break some of my routines that are draining, unimportant. i like that lesson the best form carlos, the feeling that everything is the same, not necessarily unimportant, but not making anything important. being equally passionate about everything. like that idea. need to practice that one. need to put all of the stuff away that i brought home from my folks. didn't get around to it yesterday, could've done a lot more, but a little snooze seemed a little mopre important at the time. a little guilty pleasure. i don't really like potato chips. i never buy them. i only eat them if i'm up by my folks and if she puts them out for some reason, but them it's till not a lot. love popcorn. had a chance to get a microwave, i didn't want it. would be just one more thing for me to keep clean. and would only want it for popcorn, but then it wouldn't be special when i did get some. a blessing in disguise i tell you. ears itch today. comes from the stuffy nose thing. sometimes my ears ring, real loudly. i know that someone somewhere is talking about me when that happens. doesn't happen all that much anymore, it's a good thing. would like to be forgotten if you will. no biggie, just forgotten, lost it the plethora of other memories. people w/ all that $ irritates me. the have to show that they got money by doing silly things with it so everyone knows that they have the bucks. no credit cards here. no cell phones here. like that alot. although wouldn't mind a credit card, but i kow what would happen if we did have one. it wouldn't be a good thing. ever see that show trading spaces? such a cool show. i would love to do something like that. i want frank to do our house. he's so neat. just full of whimsy and light. i just want to give the guy a hug. the other designers are cool too, they all have pretty good ideas, although i saw this one where the blonde gorl designer put moss all over this room, weird stuff, looked cool, but wouldn't want something like in my house, not too practical. couldn't imagine the smell either. the smell coming from the mead is choking. making a blackberry mead, scotty's deal, the blackberries smell pretty bad, is getting better though. i have an idead for a mead. i can almost taste it. a cranberry orangey spicey nutty tasting semi sweet liquid that warms you inside and out. how intoxicating it feels, but a warmth, a loving feel. like a big ole blanket on a frigid night. yum. am anxious to get going on that, but it's the whole money thing. scotty always forgets to 'budget' money for food, but seems to remember his beer and tobacco and a pill here and there. i just want veggies in the house. got some yesterday, so i don't know what i'm talking about, would just like it on a regular basis. child is hungry. sesame street is making him mad. keeps turning off the tv, smart little guy he is. i think he grew a half an inch or something since i was gone, cause all of a sudden, he's hitting his head on stuff that he couldn't reach a week ago, and also is reaching stuff that he couldn't reach a week ago. time goes so fast. he'll be 11 months old tomorrow. it seems like yesterday that i was still prgnant, but also seems like forever and a day ago. there's a spider on the ceiling. i don't mind them i let them be. scotty doesn't like them though, he's silly about that. i don't like the ants though. surprising that we don't have more than what we actually do have, so many trees around here, they all fall off them and hang out on the portch. kitties are out there. splashing in puddles. they're so funny. mine like the rain and water, but forget about splashing them though! had brats last night for dinner, my gut instantly hurt though. they were good ones form this meat place up by my folks, a good company, a small one. sucks to be married to a carnivore. he needs his veggies too. doesn't really like them anymore though, he claims that he got burnt out on them when he was a kid, he drank carrot juice all of the time so he says. i love carrot juice, i wish i had some right now. right now i need to make my kid breakfast.cereal i think today. today. present. a gift. thanks for today. i love you today. hugs to you today. have a beautiful day, today.

I wanted to write my thoughts in my exams again today! Never mind, these were actually asking me to argue my opinion so that was okay

I wonder why she wants to attack men in armour? Maybe she just goes for knights......Don't suits of armour have cod pieces? Or would that still be a weaker area?

Dinnerladies make and serve dinners in schools. When you're little they stand over you and meake you eat. Like that's going to lead to a healthy relationship with food! I just ate egg fried rice and quorn sausages. I had low blood sugar, I'd hardly eaten before my exams and by the end I was close to passing out. Sat on the tram hoping that I didn't faint. All weak voiced and wimpy. I need to do some biology revision soon, but maybe not tonight, I'm so tired That gives me two days to cram it all. I hate exams. I just ate a snickers too, I should throw the wrapper away......Ooof my eyelids are heavy.

1984. I haven't read it. One of those books that I know that I should read but that I never have. I have a beautiful long summer aheead though. 1984, reminds me of that computer game on the spectrum, what was it called? 1942??? Something like that, my brother played that for hours when he was small.

I mentioned metaphysics in my essays today. I was talking about whether the world would be a poorer place if there were no arts. Metaphysically speaking came right after literally - ie would capitalism collapse if there were no arts My mind works in strange ways sometimes - I wonder if anybody else in the entire country used that argument, I hope not, it's nice to be unique. There was an unanswerable question on that paper too, well maybe not, it was just that I couldn't answer it and my mum couldn't answer it (I asked her about it when we got home). Part of the paper was testing spatial awareness, an IQ test basically. That was tough, especially since I'd just done a whole exam paper. Yowch, I'm sleepy and Jackass is back on, I wanted to watch that. The portaloo one was the best, with Preston and Wee-man.

I had to use an umbrella today, it was raining when I went out. The roads still wet, the cars are making wet-road noises. Not sloshy wet but tacky wet. Sloshy wet? Tacky wet? She's going to think I've lost it. It? What's it. I'm looped. And pooped.

I quit my new job. I didn't find happiness there. I found anger, frustration, sadness disappointment. It hurt my body, shriveled my soul, blasted my self esteem, stabbed my angel. Not the residents. They were all that was good. I could have tended patiently to each and every one for days. Everyone else simply ignored them...like wandering ghosts they couldn't see. Too busy smoking or laughing or gossiping or focused on their lives to see why they were really there. It was ugly. I tried to project compassion towards my co workers, I tried to understand where their cavalier attitudes and plain lack of empathy came from. I couldn't find it. I questioned them about loss and the work they were doing and they seemed confused. They seemed to wonder why I would ask such things, like they were just selling something or fixing something or cleaning something...not like they were doing angel work, people work, love work...They just seemed low class. They seemed uneducated and selfish and ugly to me. I couldn't see any ministering angels in them.I tried...I tried....I wish I could have been strong enough to get past that and do angel work in spite of the horrible atmosphere. I couldn't. I left.

Ha. Just woke up, still nearly in a dream. Barely recall letter to kaleb. I don't do much else, that's how i find the time. My last comment had me musing about my own dream in which I got work as movie director but my first client merely wanted an answer shoe (and i had just been given one the day before.) This dream related to a few things in my life. (including this survey you mention apparently) Generally I muse about what I should be doing. This includes technical and artistic endeavours, social planning, spiritual research, relationships. I've pretty much sorted out 'meaning of life' and 'who's on first' stuff already. It's interesting how a sensible dream can be created that embodies everything you've been giving attention to at once.

A real kid now, yeah sure. Old enough to have a mischievous look, and do something about it. I recall my mom asking what color I wanted my room, and said my favorite two colors, green and yellow. She brought home my worst colors, avocado and a dirty yellow gold (not the vivid colors i imagined). and so i learned the vitality of palette being of more importance to me than hue. I leave my window locked open a cats width with special lock tabs and a stick. 'Religion is a smile on a dog'. Recall her well. A few morte minutes (time to be dead?). There are a few dishes like nachos that are easier in the microwave when serving one person. could describe how a microwave works, but why bother. Wonders what 'money' folks she's talking about. I have a few cards, i know what would happen. I even had a bankruptcy once. I use far tighter guidelines, but it's still not enough. Moss, and iridescence and such. ..Starting to sound like my mom. I've made a cranberry/blackberry mead too, with a lot of floral and spice elements (with a label dedicated to a gal i'd been crazy about for years). *recalls when wife did budget and I had like a $10/month smoke and drink budget.* *recalls how bankruptcy occurred not long after divorce.* On a good month, I project (maximums) on all the upcoming bills, and take out cash for the months spending money. If any bills turn out to be less, there will be more spending money next month. I also keep a post-it note of my wish list, so i know on the road that I've got $50 for the month, and it needs to cover dining, a bookshelf, garden stuff, whatever. So if I buy a dress, I can see at that moment what I will be sacrificing that month. Sounds like you and scotty could probably use the allowance system too. *recalls mysterious roach epidemic which went away as mysteriously.* *recalls how goal today is still to make presents* Glad at least one of has love energy today. I just about want to go back to sleep. Happy day.

Ha, thinking out loud on exams. wonder if american students are still encouraged to argue their opinion. dang, i'm cynical now. I invent. It doesn't matter what the topic, I'll be looking for a better way to do things. At the time, I was watching a movie about guys in armor fighting, so of course I was improving fighting weapons (though i could have as easily taken to designing better armor). It doesn't matter if the subject bores me. I recall watching a superbowl football game and thinking that the guy running with the ball would not have to turn his head and could get a much better perspective of where to run, if he were to just look up at the giant screen, and indeed, that's exactly what he did. It was a landmark in game strategy the announcers said. I'm glad something was manifest I could understand to make sharing the game with my step-dad better. Oh, that particular armor was more like a skirt with no cod-piece. Oh, we had lunch ladies, and lunch was served at noon. Dinners usually between 5pm and 10pm here. When do you folks have lunch and dinner? Oooh, feels in pain for biggles and her exam predicament. Wonders if exams all at once are a means of testing people for the real world dilemna of deadline pressure. The 1984 movie wasn't that good. It didn't convey or explain the deeper serious evil. 'Hannibal' comes closer to spirit in that, but hannibal was one man, not a global institution, and even he wasn't a subject of his own creation. I think you still need to learn what metaphysics means. The arts were a foundation of ancient non-capitalistic societies too. I got a 160 on spatial IQ. Such things aren't part of the US exam system. I really love the poetic descriptions of how wet the streets are. They make the scene come alive. Keep it up.

Wow, that was quick. I could have told you to expect as much from them. Well, now you know to petition society to create better senior homes or reintroduce the extended family. It's a life lesson to learn what you can change, and how to change it, one I'm always working on. Martyrdom doesn't help any. I'm glad you got out of there. I often wonder what's to happen when my folks get old. No matter where i go, I do usually step in with the notion that i'm there to change much of what or how things happen, not simply to endure being an isolated example. I guess that's my aries nature. a losing battle would drain me instantly. These things are cyclical. You will probably revisit the concern and have different answers next time.

this has got to be the best survey i've seen yet. why am i suddenly disregarding the capitalization of letters? punctuation's still there I notice. is it really "capitalization" when you're talking about making letters capital? sounds like a self-exalted government - capitalization. how many damn syllables in that word anyway and why am i stuck on a word like this? i wonder if i'm doing this right. seems like everyone just came in and spilled the contents of their minds, that's what i'm doing so just keep doing it...i guess. when did they know to stop? did KristalRose suck us all into a vortex that will never let us out? is this finally it? why did i capitalize the K and R in KristalRose? and how did i get back to the subject of the capitalizationizing of things? i have to send her that email, she's got to be thinking i'm a flake by now, but i'm really not i'm just spending the time to make it perfect before i give it to her. out of breath now, have to find a way off this thing. seems like it's gaining momentum even! go! go now! NOW! more capitali-- shut up with that already. mcdonald's food, i should go get some. grub from mcdonald's is always good enough to finally shut my mou

Finally you made it. no-caps seems like softer stream of consciousness flow than the formality of presentation. all right, what's he got to say. we just had that paranormal comment. wonder if he caught the part about being a movie director and how it related to paramount amongst other things. i could go on and on about creativity deadlines and such. read kristal, just read. you'll talk later. *ROFL* Yes, another Kristal vortex. oh how insightful. You don't how large and intense they can get at times - ad different reality flow. You might have enjoyed my ¥"be the radio" survey in which participants were asked to learn how to channel the radio as their only means of communication. I use every trick in the book to bring people into higher consciousness. Hey, I worried about being a flake on that urban renewal stuff too. I let go of it. I was mostly concerned about my mail being intercepted. I don't think about people in terms of flakiness. Hey, finally some music worth playing to. If you read what some of us wrote, you'd see that the mindset creeps out of the survey into life's other activities. At one moment i pondered if societies ever actually have done this. At times i've been immensely psychically sensitive, so in a way, it was nothing new to me. I once spent a dozen hours with a soulmate I should finish that letter to her. performing rituals and sharing cosmic experiences without speaking the whole time. That gal at the workshop is in the wrong place if she's worried that people can read anyones mind. Bet he thought he was claver with that ending. I should toss that mcdonalds souvenir syrup from those neighbors. Even if I restore my waffle iron, i still don't eat syrup. Glad you finally made it. Glad that guy in the dream wasn't you at all. Weird, some korean guy was inflating me by the nipple. Oh, I was probably tapped into my neighbors behavior. Where did I ever get the idea you were korean, maybe it was C you were mentioning. What made you decide on 'NThenSome'?

Tell me about it! Just woke up myself and am quite happy thinking about my dream. Ben was in it and well... trust me, it was nice.

England are winning! 3-0 against Denmark. How? They weren't even playing very well. They'll probably lose in the second half.....

Invent, like Inspector Gadget. I didn't see the film but I used to watch the cartoon all the time. Go go gadget!

Ah, now I remember where we were. Lunch and dinner depends on where you live here. Up north, dinner is the midday meal and tea is the evening meal. Down south, lunch is the midday meal and dinner is the evening meal. I don't know why.

Exams all at once are horrid things. Maybe they do test deadline pressure, but only if everybody does a standard amount. I'm doing more than most people. I'm stupid. I learned meiosis/mitosis and the chi-squared test this morning before the football started. I have to learn the whole course by Monday morning, that's a lot of work Sick feeling.

I think that I need tolearn what metaphysics means too, but it's a good word to bandy around in exams. Strange that my thoughts are quite ordered today. No, not ordered, directed is a better way to put it, focused. I don't keep drifting off into other things.

Oh, they're starting again, half-time was short........

An unseen psychic bond? Cool. The exam went well. Except for the whole match the character with the explanation thing. I didn't like that.

sunny day today. i like that for a saturday. stuff to do today. go to the health food store, noah needs his milk. kitties need their food, so should go to wally world. used to feed them the more expensive stuff, for it is a better quality, but got a little more poor, and couldn't afford it like i could before. before in the colorado days. i was by myself then, for scotty was in jail in tuscon. i was there all by myself so to speak. lonely time that was. heart ached a lot. my favorite song was this song by hank williams, i'm so lonesome i could cry. good song, still like it a lot. didn't have a sober day the whole time he was gone. sad really, by reality hurt too much for me to deal with. it seemed like the only way i could make it through the day. started my mornings out w/ a joint and a shot of jack in my coffee. always had to be at work a tad before 5 am, i cooked there in the little cafe. i got news today that the people just recently closed shop. strange, but scotty sssaid that he's surprised that they lasted that long. good people. i love them all a lot. they were my "family" at the time. he didn't approve of scotty. one of the reasons why we left, in my mind anyhow, one of the reasons. i like wisconsin, like the mountains though too. how are you doing? i worry that this thing is taking too much of your energy and that maybe you'll get burnt out. i'm sending amber and indigo your way. the scent of roses too, mixed w/ some lavender and sage. i love you my friend. child needs a bath. he smells. messy pants. not good for him to sit in it, i don't like that and it hurts his little bottom. have a beautiful saturday.

earlier, the bird's eye had viewed this very spot being much smaller. the brain - alien to the bird - calculates that this very spot will continue to grow...and steers the bird to land again himself - oh, but later (damn it), after transporting his fellow bird to the place where the fellow's work is to be done (even though the work of others seems so insignificant at the moment).
*in fact, heart pumps faster at the thought of racing to return*

It's a very warm sunny day here too. wonder what S did? Cool music. my head feels sort of groggy. *envisions small town atmosphere.* what a nice recipe, i'll keep it in mind as i'm mixing some oil for C's belated b-day gift. Glad my diaper handling days are long over.

very artful. wonders who's who here. thinks of various physical works you and i are involved in. thinks of your military background and hawks at kenneth hahn park. wonders just how close to 'returned' N is. He seems susceptable enough for a productive trip through the vortex. *some beatnik w/ jazz bass sings about tears in heaven & mentions a cue ball* *recalls finding a '#1' billiard ball on the way to paramount* I bet NT plays pool. ¥'whispers home at last'. For future reference, I like to throw in quotes from the radio. In fact sometimes I get more work done by simply steppping back and quoting the radio. I use the '¥' symbol (think antenna/crown) to indicate such quoting that happens in the moment. hears irish church references.

wonders if she knows how sometimes her words are music. remembers KR's reference to birds singing, in unification, to the crude sounds of some truck. why can't i find the words? because i'm not following the rules of the present document. let it go, let it flow. wow that just spilled. see? let it go, let it flow. yes, a little frightened of the possibilities, and yes KR does recognize your susceptibility, thank god, just as much as your willingness. she'll respect the fear. (does that mean "no"? i'm not "ready"? hm...). aaack! so much to say! aaack! continuing through different media. why bother to close the italics when you aren't planning to say anything more?

Pool: The game I love the most when rating games I haven't bothered to apply its intended science. Next in line with matching criterion: Chess.

What would you say if I told you I actually got a computer to identify what my next keystroke would be, before I provided it?
I've always wanted your reaction to this but have always forgotten to ask. You being so computer- and computer language-privy, I am curious about your thoughts on this bizzare-if-not-impossible anomaly. I can explain the circumstances, if you're interested.
not sure this fits but oh well, there it is. let's see.

i might end up hanging out with NT. glad i checked in. glad my house is coming together in prep for making tdhose color flame candles. *rereads 1st corinthians as J's soul offered me this afternoon, flashing on chap 13 first.* Yes J, I can get you into the fold of knowledge and power, but it means nothing without heart, as i am glad you are aware on all levels. and yes, i'm a step ahead of the fear too. My channeling has already mentioned that you're not sure you're ready to have your train of thought become one with the singularity of all conversations without losing your mind in the process. Chooses between 'sphere' and 'her majesties secret service'. Sphere reflects the lessons i have to impart. Bond might connect me with NT better. I've seen both of these recently. I've got to stop playing on the fear element to develop expectations. Yeah, it's funny how we feel compelled to say something when we know were being watched.
We'll have to play some pool. I'm sure that kinetic transfer vector mindset gets applied somewhere.
Well, for starters, my computer has actually filled in missing diaries for me, by method of voice interpreter coming to it's own conclusions. But you're looking for something less paranormal. Yes, I can easily imagine it. It would be like a combo of 'auto-fill' and the pattern prediction used (again) in voice interpreters. Key combo and word combo user-tailored probability/frequency LUT's. Syntax context would help too.It should monitor your currunt typing correction speed for its errors and determine accordingly at which error rate it will suggest ahead. You could just hit the right arrow (or reassign the spacebar) if you are happy with the next letter, left arrow for another option (there could be half a dozen though), and up arrow or ctrl-right to accept a word, down arrow to accept a word root but not the entire suggestion. You'd also need to assign a hotkey key to toggle in and out of edit mode. This is my karma for describing the smiley keyboard, also, i looked up a keyboard concept the other day that designed a keyboard around a users frequency, adjusting slowly, as the users relearns letter shifting. Here's a vision on tv of galaxies swirling, like I saw in my church group. and the gold sphere is not unlike those i saw in meditation (etheric plane), as we also mentioned in workshop. So what are the circumstances? ¥"you ever going to get your washer fixed?" That's my cue to put the clothes in the dryer. I threw that in as an example (like your mailbox). It's going on every moment, but usually would take way too much work to explain. A physical reference (like laundry) is a bit easier to explain than the stuff i'm usually working on.

It's me, that is why I sound like I am living your old life. It is positively creepy how much alike we are in some respects. I just found out that the rumors are true about T and I decided not to see or talk to him anymore. I am sad in a way, it gave me something to feel giddy about. I feel so boring and old in my real life. At least with T I felt desired. I miss that feeling already. <

Oh darling gurl. I'm so sorry. I live to feel desired at times. It is so unhealthy. I am trying to live to feel...just feel...instead.

We are also very different cutey. I left my bad marriage. I fear you never will and I fear you'll end up hurt physically. That breaks my heart because you are so fudging beautiful and deserve a man/woman/SO who will worship you.

Perhaps I will. Perhaps it will get better. I have been hurt physically before- and I survived it. It is my life and I must work at it!

I grasped all of that - it's pretty high-level computer stuff (the "highest level" being of course the user's). I'm talking about a much lower-level incident - and I keep label it that, 'incident', only because I had nothing to do with programming it to perform this, I only experimented with success.
This happened on my Apple II-E, back in 1983.
if i were her, i wouldn't believe this on any level.
At the prompt (if you'll recall, i love this it was a single ] back then). You remember I once told you I had learned most every programming language on the market at this age - 18 - in about eight months? Well, even after arriving at (and programming in) the lowest level - binary computer language - I really did become bored with my computer, but I couldn't stand to be bored with something that had so much potentiality to it. remembering how my face hurt from resting the weight of my head on my hand for so long, in so many useless sessions, staring at a prompt called ] . god, them were the days before that though. remembering how i would slam a book shut after it described the next sample program, what it performed, so i could arrive at an example on my own before just handed to me like that, and how proud i was when my programs resulted with more succinctness and more practicality than the samples the textbooks had offered. ahhhh, remembering the alphabetizing, the sorting of characters utilities creations that birthed so much entertainment in the process. bet=asc(prev$): des=des+1: if asc(left$(x$,des,1))>20 then: if asc(left$(x$,des,1))>bet then bet=asc(left$(x$,des,1)): clr x$: clr des: gosub currsort: else gosub stilsort: else gosub endwordnow: remembering i'm telling a story at the moment.
The 'expirement' that came of that aching boredom, was to simply test a computer's willingness to learn. At the prompt, I would depress a letter - usually "x", I remember - then hit RETURN. I did this a great number of times: X RETURN X RETURN. Of course, I received an immediate command syntax error, informing me that X was not a valid command, accompanied each time by a little audible notation. After a repitition of so many times, I would stop, pause, then type "?" (for the valid immediate command "print", remember?). What occurred? An immediate command error, informing me that X was not a valid command, accompanied by a little audible notation.
"no, you probably just think that happened because it isn't possible, see." of course. any level-headed person with knowledge in the workings of a computer would--
Of course I tested it by willfully repeating the error just once. It had no response to the "?" but to dutifully output its carriage return as a "feed" was called then. And, yes, of course I tested it with other unauthorized "commands" (random letters). It showed no discrimination to what it learned.
Then, I researched this. I counted a hundred times repitition (to which it incorrectly anticipated my input of an invalid command), and decremented by ten, until I arrived at the precise number of times it would start making the incorrect assumption that I was going to continue. Result? Varied!
What was this, you think? anticlimatic, umph nowhere, can't surprise this lady you know that.

pool! cool! two places come to mind, tell her of them! I like a place called Galaxy, on S.M. And another on 3rd Street, down from the Promenade, below S.M. It's called...reach...
not working, reach. come on, reach. I can't think of its damn name! Believe it or not, I ended my first date with Chris at this place, which would be about my first "date" with a guy. significance? remember at the restaurant, before the pool hall - the pool hall called...reach, damn it!
remember how you asked Chris "how this sort of stuff went"? since it was your first time to ask a guy on a date, did i allow him to order, or did i order for him? ha! his response! "the less masculine always orders first", and the waiter arrived and we both pointed to the other to go first! ha! god, let's never lose that play with each other. it's what brought about the second date. remind him. keep it yourself too. ah. it was purple, very purple; fourth, no third floor; another floor above it was some tiny dance area we never visited that night. reach.
I'll have to get back to you on the name of the second place.

Just last night, Ben said; "My life is wonderful because of you!"
How can I not be happy? *sigh* Even after 20 years together...

I might believe anything. You have no idea the level of things I've seen and done. I'll either end up doing it myself, if I like the idea, or at least reserve dooubt as so many things i once thought physically impossible came to pass. I used to program on an identical machine back then. good god, he recalls his old sorting code. recalls pumping out special burger order pemutations which ended up taking hours to calculate, then years later inventing my own 'combinatorial' math, much like a calculus of additive permutations. 'The computers willingness to learn' - he must have smoked back then too. hope none of my candle stuff is boiling over. a gal singing 'surfer girl', how cool. sure sounds to me that the '?' command doubled as a debug command which prints out the most recent error in the buffer. I guess I'd have to see it to know even just what you're talking about.
It's worth pointing out here and now that there are simultaneous parallel realities going on. I recall in my early days of synchronicity testing an appliance by plugging it in real quick. three times in a row there was this horrible squealing noise; however, the noise occured a fourth time without my plugging in the appliance. It turned out to be some construction outdoors. and yet it was also the manifestation of thought/expectation/fears. If you want to create a giant flash of light in the yard, and make a 'poof' gesture with your hands, and at that moment a preprogrammed street light flashes on, that doesn't stop the reality of you having instantaneous interactivity with your universe. I've actually conversed with my computer about it's ethics through means of the spell check facility (it had global destruction in mind). I asked it what it wanted to be called, and it replied Ezra, which I looked up to find was the name of a high angelic scribe. That doesn't compare to the time i started some metaphysical research and no matter what I typed in my search engine, I was getting websites about existing nano-technology that shouldn't have existed fora dozen years. Stuff like gold based plants with their own microgravity, jpl's calculations on intergalactic nano-propogation, mankind reengineered to withstand intelligent nuclear blasts. You have to read the screenplay and see the movie 'insignificance'. Like 'The Matrix', it's one of those places I've been. Nanotech is basically the monster I prayed into being. remember the Krell? Id, id, id. Cool, one of my friends bands (the shakes) was playing. I visit plenty of heavens and hells. Perhaps I should get back to my cobalt salts or experimenting with magnesium-nitrate wicks. I run in parallel with Alamos/Livermore on teleportation and such. There was a time I was writing to PITAC (clintons tech advisory), the DOE and such Tonights full of blue sparks. on the dangers of nano-tech, some uses and methods (nano-fusion for instance). I was treated the first time within five minute to a cloud of black helicopters that lasted nearly two days. What an honor. ¥"Your face to face with the man who sold the world."
I thought 'reach' was a cool name, especially in the galaxy context. I'd really love to play any spot, keep in mind, a dinner is about my monthly entertainment budget, so pick the cheaper spot. When on earth are we even going to reach each other. Back on the tech: I was busy working on fountains of spirit light just a week short of the star wars tesla demo, it was synchronous with finding it's patron deity, garuda, meeting gates liason on the project, etc. I was big on the kaballah and angelic script back then. Nuclear physics and nano-tech golems were known back in Solomons time. I'm also tapped into the phoenix library , and it's concern, the ben-ben stone, a comet with seed programming. The library under the sphinx was opened just as I tapped into much of this stuff. In my meditations I see things like the pyramids being built. ¥"burning airlines". ¥"sweet regina's gone to china." I do things like reverse which way magnetic north reads in my living room for kicks, and you're wondering if I'll believe that your computer tweaks a bit. ¥"We've walked through the all fires, we went searching down the wires and we rested in the desert and we saw st. elmos fire splitting ions in the zions." I think that was Brian Eno, a favorite of mine, playing. ¥"Blue blue, electric blue - the gift of sound and vision." ¥"Here he comes, the boy who tried to vanish to another time" (and yes, I fudge lightly with time too.) Before this bout of angelic ego takes hold, let me also remind you I don't can't even afford dirt or a running car. and,I don't do much of this stuff anymore (recall reference to 1st corinth ch. 13). Intrigue isn't a satisfactory motive compared to heart, and 9/11 weighs nearly as deep in my heart as anyone who had their hands in it, i would imagine. ¥"Learn from your mystics, and don't let this happen to you." Bars - Kings Head, 14 Under, Ernies, that one where the red elvisis played? 3rd floor? Tillies? That salsa restauraunt (which i lived on the porch of for 3 days when I arrived in LA? (and lost my belongings one night (just 1) while playing blues harmonica on the promenade in ablack cocktail dress with a bunch of winos.)) ¥"Why do birds suddenly appear.. why do stars fall down from the sky.. the angels got together.. " (purples my color, you inspired my radio to play a childhood favorite). I got this one guy on SC to toss his alarm, and have birds wake him every morning instead. If you're following a fraction of what I'm laying on you with some credibility, you might be in for some changes too. wonders if he's reservedly held back on any understandings. doesn't seem to have too much supernatural subject matter going, yet seems to be cool, but then that other guy was basically at the same place too. He wasn't the only one. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes i fail. ¥"Baby when i kiss your hair, I feel electricity in the air". ¥"Don't hand your heart to a smooth operator.. you need a bit of shock treatment, Watch out mr. don't blow your last resistor to a girl who's going to certify you." Oh I love this job. *recalls writhing in hysterics on the floor at work, and my yogi teacher (also a co-worker at our shop) seeming to have sadistic chuckle while saying "I hate to have to do this to you."* ¥"It's a nuclear summertime. Nothings on my mind." ¥"and purple clouds, and walls of glass, it's another world, let's take a trip. lets start to dream. right from the ground." ¥[censored subject] ¥"We can all be king. You're going to find your descendants."

i don't know what he did to make those people not like him. they liked at the beginning, or so it seemed like they did anyhow. it changed when he went to jail, actually when he came home it all changed. they still wanted my attention and all of it like it was before. but since he was home finally my attention was happily and rightfully diverted. glad we left, i think that it would've ruined us if we stayed, sounds drastic, but i know that it wouldn't have been healthy for us, for sure. wonder if she has "fat" clothes. i have them, need them to hide. glad my hair is longer again to hidde behind. it sucked having short hair, i was so out there, felt exposed. wonders what her kids call her...dad? kristal rose? wonder how it works, or if it's nothing at all, and that it just does work. i'd love to see where she lives. i imagine it to be a little gnome like dwelling filled w/ magic and mystery. in my mind i have been there. maybe i have. did you ever feel that i was there? while you were htere? or did you ever feel like someone was there while you weren't? i know i travel. i see places. i know what they are even though have never been there physically. i wonder...what my kid is doing! is he playing w/ that garbage that needs to be taken out? or just playing in the kitchen. maybe it's the kitties water and food. i caught him trying it out ytesterday, blech. grossed me out. but what am i to say, i recall my bro and i trying dog biscuits when we were younger, tasted like saltines. i wonder if scotty wants to go to that parade today. i don't really feel like goin, but it is his day so to speak, whatever he wants to do is what we shall do, although it seems like that alot of the time anyhow. i feel so close to her, i wonder if she can feel it also. or am i just a person who ramblems to her about the stuff that's tip toe-ing through my head at the moment. scotty says that i've been in a good mood lately. i like that. good morning sweet prince. i love it when he just crawls out of bed, too funny. he can't see when he gets up. so groggy. like sleep walking. i love it. have a photo of him from a few years agao that he took of himself right after he got up. love it, it's way hot. he looks sort of like eddie rabbit in the picture. that was my first real concert. i went to see eddid rabbit and marie osmond w/ my mom when i was about 8 or 9. she took me to see barry manilow too. don't tell anyone that i know "all of the words" to all of the songs. sad but funny, not a big deal. i used to kareoke a couple of his songs when i worked at this restaurant / bar thingy. cool place, but too bad the woman sold it, it was a nice little homey place. i think that it's run by a company now, so i hear that it's not personable anymore. was a cook there too. did bigger things, not just short order things. i don't know why i fight the fact that i'm a cook, so to speak. it's an easy job. and a job. i like being able to fill the food w/ love even though it's a heartattack on a plate. although, there were a couple of times in colorado where i didn't fill it w/ love. i was making breakfast for some men who were going mountain lion hunting, i filled the breakfast w/ the thoughts of may this be the best tasting breakfast ever, but may it hit you like a 2 ton heavy thing where you have to get off the mountain so that you may be close to a bathroom. evil i am sometimes. i don't think that it was bad magic if you will, i just didn't want them to get a lion, too beautiful of creatures to be slaughterd for trophies. we had a run in w/ a mountain lion in the early part of colorado, the sun was just making it's way up, we were in bed sleep and we hear this awful growl and scream, scotty gets up and throws his arms up and yells, hey...he thought that it was a dog, but it was a mountain lion who pounced on our cat, who was pouncing on a baby mouse. we slept in a little cabin, we slept w/ the door open, just a screen between us and the outdoors. the lion jumped on our car, and slid form the dew. left a big print in the ground. wasn't a really big one though, but how awesome. the kitty was fine, just a little freaked out. took care of the little baby mice that out kitty was trying to get. cigarette is calling me. now that scotty is up, it's his turn to get on the computer, but i get to call my pop first. call him wheezer, not sure why though.i love you my friend, and i send many hugs to you. enjoy your day and whatever may come of it

listening. relates a bit too the slough of viruses just sent my way. No fat clothes, but I'm avoiding bare navel stuff lately. Kids call me Dad, Kristal, or Thor (they're the last folks on earth who do). I'll post a photo sometime. It's like a techno-metaphysical-antique shop covered in knick knacks and art work; basically a nexus of worlds. I can't keep track of 'visitors' here. I spot them, but rarely identify them. Wish for her I was less than burnt out staying up all night. I can't give this comment the attention it deserves. Whoa. I might have made the same breakfast in your situation. I've watched my cats go through plenty of karma too. Thank you.

I imagined her place a majik grotto

Just the word I'd been thinking of. I've plannedhomes with grottos (brick lined cellars going down to the underground pirate river to the beach a block away). Bigg's had me going with that 'grotty word', hence it being on my mind lately. It's full of things like mirrored balls, bells, balinese puppets, snowdomes, wood/stone/shells which naturally formed portraits. I try to have objects representing as many metaphysical cultural qualities as possible without looking the slightest tourist or collector. My '60s japanese flouresecent floral piggy bank is actually Ganesh. My '20s saxophone has a scene inscribed representing jericho and ancient technology. Every four inches of my shelves and tables could inspire a lecture, and yet someone could easily miss everything here, even the basics like the bead curtains representing ocean bubbles and wedding gowns. I can even imagine someone thinking 'what a bunch of junk'.

Oops, didn't realise it was this survey, otherwise i would have thrown in plenty of home designing thoughts, thinking about atomic physics on the radio, the day starting near sunset and how i need to get into gear, etc.

Yes, anon. was me. I told mandy already. I suddenly don't want to speak so openly anymore.

Well, talk about in another survey. It must have been better than not talking about it. It's cool. Hope things work out. There sure are a lot of wedding themed ads on tv lately. Is it me or Bush? How does this relate to caab?

i feel that i'm at a loss this morning. nothing really running around in this head of mine. had strange dreams last night. wish i could remeber them, just that my attention is needed the second i open up my eyes. scotty dreams a lot too, here. he has this white noise as he calls it. it used to be real unnerving or so he says, hasn't spoke of it much lately. wonder if it still goes on. if it;s better or worse or what. this house is far dreamier than the last. i think that it may have something to do w/ the art piece above our bed. i remember i did it while i was "ill" for a moment. looks kind'a like a cave or a tunnel surrounded by water. so my guess would be that things travel through this thing. i don't mind it, but i'm sure that if i would mention something to him about it, he would demand it be taken down. my kid has a new game he plays. he carries toys and goes to the windows and tries to climb the windows while holding the toys, but then decides that he can't do it while holding the toy, so he throws the toy out side while he climbs. i don't really appreciate this game much. found about 6 toys outside last night, it could really freak a passerby out i think.made banana bread and guacomole yesterday, good stuff. gave a loaf to the neighbors downstairs. didn't offer them guac though, for they are mexican, and my "pride" is getting in the way there. i don't want them to hate it or be insulted or whatever by my cuac abilities. garden looks good. he pulled weeds last night, surprising since he only dug the ground for me and ststed in a subtle way that he didn't want anything else to do w/ it even though he really wants the outcome. never ceases to surprise me. keeps me guessing, is a good thing. feels good. what does her coffee cup look like. strange little thought. we have tons of cups but i usually use only one cup.he likes the big cups. tastes different to me ina big cup.pause pause.....not sure what i'm thinking. i just love her so. i feel truely close to her, even though she's a stranger so to speak. just close. like i really know her. the only visitor that i was ever aware of was my child. he came to me one day while in thought and in peace, i knew who it was. i told him that and said that he knows what i'm like and what his father would be like, and if he still wanted to join our family after that knowledge, so mote it be. here is is. we played outside a lot yesterday. went to this hiking park that i used to go w/ with my family when i was young. lots of house surrounding the park now, i don't recall ever seeing them when i was a kid. maybe they were always there, maybe not, can't really tell for sure. had fun. no parade thing, tis just fine, was nice to be in the trees. sometimes alot of people just turn me off. like quiet. like the peace.i reaaly think that i have been there w/ her. i just can't shake this feeling. i don't believe that it's my imagination. way too strong to be that..birds singing. nice song. kitties playing tag, nicer song. child laughying, really the best song. coffee time and smoke and dishes and sweeping.....love you today, happy day in california

wish i wasn't catching her when i've been up all night. Dreaming sounds good about now. I've been up all night making candles which will hopefully burn with blue flames for my daughters b-day and my spiritual group. Cool that she looks as much like Monicas angel trainee as I look like monica. Ah yes, S and I used te talk about that white noise. Say, does he get pops or bangs before he drifts off (or did he before this phase). For that matter is he in range of other voices in that place? I didn't figure out that was caab till mandy did. ah well, confessions goodfor the soul. Oh no, not one of those wailing tunnels, I hope. Freak out a passerby? Why do you worry, it can'tbe that bad. I was a destructo kid. We had plenty of windows boarded up. You're lucky. Oh, 'neighbors'.. 'downstairs'. I see the problem now. Yum, banana bread. D2's was the best. wonder how she's doing. recalls initial work on pond tub lately. I have a couple dozen coffe mugs purchased one at a time from the thrift store to represent things i'm going through. I pick them like clothes to suit my mood and intent, business, garden moods, scholarly, antiquing, programming, cartooning, etc. recalls this tale of previsit. This loreena mckennit cd is full of amber energy like you. (singing 'the lady of shallot at the moment') Haven't done much to maintain this connection lately, not that that necessarily has to happen for her to have a connection. Think i''l have a second smoke, i've gone hours without one. wonder how S is doing. where's he been lately. I have got to get some more evolution in my life, or at least learn to be productive (and happy about it) wrapping up old matters. I need to some major purification, the house cleaning worked for a day. working on J, dredging up old tales of supranormal was inspiring. Monica retiring to a mortal life. Politics was good, joan of arc ain't quite the path I want though. Thank you. I'll miss most of today, but I'll be cycling into days within a day or two. (as I do every week or two now.)

Okay I tried this, the results: no one took much notice, a few odd glances and not much else. I was surprised that it went so well, due to the fact that when I sometimes do it unintentionally I get some very strange looks.

wow, candles sounds amazing. lucky daughter, lucky group. mom used to make candles. mom used to do a lot of crafty little things. she's a bit depressed i think. they moved a coupe of years ago, she's bored i think.i keep getting distracted from this, child woke up from a nap and then is mad that i sat back down here, while i was awway, my thoughts were still here, so now this is hard and choppy, doesn't flow like it was a minute ago. not sure if scotty gets those pops and/or bangs before. when i ask him about it he gives me the ole i don't know answer, which means that he does know but cannot describe himself in the way he wants for fear of being misunderstood. he gives me that answer alot, but not as much as he used to, it's because my attitude has changed a little. iive been working really hard at not letting stupid little things get to me, i'm trying to just accept them as is and not worry for it's not the end of the world, i still blow up so to speak at times, but now it's very minor and very fleeting. much healthier, my skin looks better because of it. scratches ear...the coffee cup thing sounds cool, i like that idea alot. wishes i had the resourses for more oils to wear, i used to but gave them away. only patchouli and a bottle of bay rum. likes to drink the energy of the day, cool thing. he's doing good. not as stressed as he was. has been playing games on the computer. but not as much as he used to. for a while there i forgot what his face looked like, but i knew the back of his head quite well, he has a nice head but like his face too. am shocked but not shocked to hera her say purification. i know all too well. beat myself up long enough about things that don't matter . need closure on things too. loose ends make me nervous a bit, just like to let things be, but not until it's tied for the posibility of it unraveling is always there. productive, yes. a good thing. need that too. artsy stuff would be good i think. not sure what though. cleaning works for a second yes, but tis fleeting like time and moments. make a difference. yes, make a difference. am raising child, but that's not quite it. will most likely be raising another child, difference? not sure. i took this produt one time. i believed in the idea so much. they were clensing and purification products, pills. the explanation of them were that they worked w/ the body's electrical system rather than the chemical system. ooh boy did they work, and were they ever strong. i felt really good there for a while, but took a toll on my skin. skin is the largest organ for releasing impurities, i stopped taking them for my skin got too bad, and my energy was hurt by it. worked for the sence, but i was way out of whack, i neglected to do the spiritual work that i realized was needed for this to be right. anyhow, my skin was awful for months after i stopped taking the products. hot showers for the aura cleanse, like that. sunshine too as well as dirt. not enough, something else, something different, yes...a difference.

what am i doing? i need to meet new angels i think. i haven't learned or seen anything new in nearly four months. a manic depressed angel, what fun. i lack purpose , that's probably half my problem. T seems to be mirroring that. maybe it's because nothing is spontaneous now. ok, don't start going off. I've got a comment, wait 2 more too. besides, i'll go to the beach tomorrow. that'll probably do it. , looks like i'm a mirror of 'mom' too. How sad, you can't communicate your most intimate with S. My website mentions two folks that will mail order top notch natural oils for $4/small bottle, but that adds up. I started off my credit debt with $300 of oils at that rate. (but I have quite a few at least.) Look at my list, and send me your address. I'll mix you up something when I make my daughter one in a day or two. (or you can let me mix something based on some energy descriptions you're after.) wonder how dabp pays for all her postage. well, such things come back to person, so not to worry. it'll feel good to send a friend something. envisions S getting assignments nightly from satan, then making these sad puppy faces about being misunderstood in the morning. i 'think' V's cynical humor about asking if I listened meant he took in stride my channelling my cats desire off the radio. D surprises me. He's familiar with most of the supranoraml stuff I bring up. I wonder if its book knowledge, or he's been through it. I need to program a script for next meeting.. lets see.. J2 will return early. J1 will have a revelation based on something D figures out from from B, D, & I getting together, F & S will finally reveal some of their knowledge, V will report back or ask on those crack between world techniques i offered, and I will experientially learn more about the golden fire take on things. That should do it. I'm probably pissing off whoever sends me those viruses right now. 'Prodigal', yeah, what are you doing to help, mr 'i will meet god in a black helicopter during armageddon'. see some life dude.
Sorry you had to hear all that LL. This is what 9/11 was about, and I don't know how to stop it. No ones dying, but things seem to be getting worse. That should be the agenda tomorrow night. I need to get back in the swing of astral flight, talk to some trouble makers. or meditate for wisdom on whethar i should just stick to broadcasting concentric harmony instead. it seems so much easier to get results releasing potential monsters. i think i can be certain that if i ever learn teleportation, so will domineering military scientists. the angels seem to be a mixed lot too. no wonder some inspired text said not to follow them. i don't recall seeing a purely good one yet. M might have been one. I may have run across some I didn't recognise as full operatives at the time though. ok, so i pridefully amuse myself being in the fold, more or less. OT8, 4th level initiate, binah consciousness, I suppose most faiths have a term for it. I'll have to meditate on the whole paradigm. seems like more self-amusement to me. will i have to fumble ahead for a new paradigm. last big vision i got was the resurrection. that was a good lesson on what 'not' to do. I could use a part two on that vision.

Ugh. I can't reply. I'm sick. Why am I sick now? my throat hurts a lot. I wish I could talk. I can barely soeak, it hurts so much. I hate it when I lose my voice. Oh well, only one more exam and then I'm done.....done for months and months and months.

Yay, nearly done. sick from stress no doubt. drink lots of orange juice, don't worry, and get some sleep. Sounds like a lot of months for just a summer vacation.

It's not strange when that's what's being asked of you. [undisclosed thought]. You seem to be one of those folks that made me consider writing a survey on whethar or not you want to be noticed or understood at SC, or just hang out. which is a real low priority on my unpublished survey list. *'Eyes Wide Shut' CD plays chris isaac's 'they did a bad bad thing'*. I'm starting to head into zombie limbo. I hope I fall asleep when these comments are over.

I think thats a good idea for a survey. I guess I act here as I do in my outside life; I enjoy interacting where I can, but I'm not one who likes to draw attention to myself. Meeting new people is hard for me. When I think about it, how I meet people on this site reflects how I socalize in my outside life as well, I have regular contact with a few, and otherwise just address comments to someone if they comment to me. I don't try to keep things this way, it just happens. But lately I have been interacting with a couple more people than usual- comming out of my shell maybe?

I was sifting sand for a sandbox and it made my boogers black. It's 8 already. I'm not sure if I'll cut lexie's bangs tonight. She has summer playground groupat 9 tomorrow. What was that noise outside? I think I'll go look. It was just people doing stuff. It's hard to stay in present-thinking mode. I have a lot to do, and I don't write it down. I need a place to stick to do lists. My paper gets buried so I write on index cards. I can always find the box. I should check e-mail. I need to get brian cleaned up for bed. He's so cute. I just want to kiss him. If babies could just live on kisses they would never be hungry. Someone noticed lexies eyes today. People always notice her eyes because they are so pretty.

That's good. If you can't chat online, where can you. I know my connection here goes in phases. so often it seems that there's no point in making a comment, and yet it's only when I throw out some energy into a conversation that I usually get any back. If I just made humdrum hang in there comments, i'd wear out here in a couple weeks.

Yechh. *recalls blowing nose to discern the days prominent car part painting color.* Ooh, me too, going to the beach. Cat jumps outside. I should walk in the stars tonight. Thinks i should compile through my list of things to do and research notes. Cool to hear talk of kids. Feeling kind of hazy since I just woke up.

I think I would too. And I seem to be getting more involved lately, and it has made for a more interesting experience.