Talk to yourself out loud in public.

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hmm.. is this what T's thinking about me? Everything else in the story is lining up. Don't bother being anonymous. No one can respond to you easily when you do that. I recall years ago when my wife woke up and said she felt that she had woken up next to a stranger. we discussed it and it was so painful a thought for us to not be in love that we 'decided' to renew our love for each other (till then, it had never been something we had to think about). oh, i'm too burned out to even call this talk show host. i could do this guys job. oh, boy, i'm zombieing out. anyhow, you could ask each other if you two 'want' to be in love with and comitted to each other, and if you agree, than just do it. Sounds like the two of you are waiting for the other start first, to return affection. You need to give it first, and communicate. I don't know enough to offer more. Maybe you two need something much different than each other. don't know.

The anonymous2 comment wasn't mine, although I can relate to his/her feelings. I don't know what I want from him... actually I take that back. I want a reaction. I want him to cry or get angry or something. I turned my entire life upside down so we could make a life together and in the blink of an eye everything that I thought was "real" everything that I had come to depend on was gone. Our entire relationship I made sacrifices for him and then the first time I do something for me he runs away. I feel so stupid, so used. I should have seen this coming. I don't even know if I really wanted to break up with him. It just seemed like nothing I was saying got a reaction from him so I said I was done. I wanted a reaction... I wanted him to tell me he loved me, that he couldnt live with out me. Why not? He's said it all before. All he could do was admit that he neglected me and say he's sorry. He said he still loves me but what he's doing now is the first step in the rest of his life and he's not letting anything get in the way of that. All he could say is I'm sorry... I can't believe that. He didn't even fight for us. He said he wants to marry me, he wants me to have his children, he wants to grow old together and when I tell him that I can't handle being pushed on the back burner, that I'm scared and alone, that I need him all he can say is "I've been busy, I'm sorry" I don't know what to do. Do I be his friend? Do I talk to him and spend time with him when it's convienent for him? Do I tell him that I met an amazing guy who adores me but I keep pulling away because I'm scared? I just feel so lost...

Damn, it's already 4:30. I need to go get in the shower. I'll wait a few more minutes. I'll check my email and smoke a cigarette first. I really should quit smoking. I'm way to young to have this smoker's cough. Is it a total turn off for Dominic? Let's see. If I go get a shower in a few minutes, I'll be out by 5:00. I can be ready by 6:00. Leave around 6:30 and be there around 7:30. That'll be perfect. I sure hope Mom's surgery goes well. She's been so worried about it. Oh, crap, I need to pay the light bill today. It's got to be paid today. I've been so lazy and never sent it off. Guess I'll have to tell Dominic to go by and pay it at the little bill paying place. I hate going in there. That lady in there looks like a real dog. I just want to slap her everytime I go in there. I'm going to be so sleepy today. I should have stayed in bed and fought for sleep. Oh well. Maybe I won't fall asleep driving to Jackson. Fudge, I've made this longer than I planned. What was the point in this survey anyway? Why would anybody want to know what I'm thinking? It might be interesting, though. I need to go smoke and then get a shower. Oh and take my medicine. I always forget in the morning. Should I write myself a note? No, I don't feel like it. It's too early in the morning to think, so I'll stop thinking now.

Wonders what the bus/motorhome reference means. Work *is* a distraction but I like it. It' on its way to giving me a purpose. In a way - I have to do it to get to where I can really launch from.

There are goldfish on the wall in front of me. A painting (a print) by Matisse. Tnere's a secret newspaper article tucked behind it that I like to pull out sometimes. I've read it lots of times but it's nice to know it's there and hardly anybody knows about it.

I like planning taking over the world. Because I never will. Because it involves killing and maiming and torture and nastiness. I don't think I could ever do all that so it's nice to consider it before putting it to one side. But we can never know. It worries me that we could know ourselves so little. maybe I'm old enough now not to change that much. I wonder how well Hitler knew himself at 18. Not that I'm any Hitler I don't think!

A slimy brother might be a blessing. I worry about them. One's older than me. But he isn't, he's still a boy. He has to go out and make his way and I'm afraid that he'll make it alone. No family when his family is all that he really has. I don't want him to shut us out ever. He's strange. Poor guy, he has all the ability but he could go nowhere, not even inside. University. Star magnet.

Anxious. I was. I don't remember why. Scared I was rambling, that I'd be the only one to answer I think. It's strange how some things you remember with absolute clarity and others go. Must be dependent on what they mean to us. I forget people sometimes. People who mean a lot to me, I don't phone them. Sometimes I make myself forget them because they make me angry. Not their fault they can't do it any other way. A bottle of pills. There's emotional music playing, it's messing with me. There's stuff I don't want to think, I won't let it. A bit like your mental censoring of taking over the owlrd I suppose.

And another reply. But this doesn't feel like a marathon. Strange that I'm thinking *to* you more this time.

Paper towels remind me of taking art. Wiping paint laden brushes on paper towels. Washing in the paint covered sinks then mopping up the mess. So much of my life is linked in to school. Robert at the art table. made me promise to send him bones if I became an arachaeologist - bones always come in useful. Then he threw the rubber and I tried not to cry - he didn't mean it. Smile through teh tears, don't think about being blinded. Don't let the boys see. Don't let them feel you. Ugh! Trying to concentrate on geography! Hmm, skipped from art to geography.....

Be the radio. It was an odd survey. It worked somehow, but I never quite believed it. I'm a naive skeptic. Mr Wadsworth, he's just naive. It doesn't work alone in most people. I think he may put it on. I don't like him much, he's a nice guy but he irritates me. Can't he have an opinion??!

Irish sea monster I liek seeing shapes in things. reminds me of my little brother looking at his poo. He got so excited about it. He was so sweet. He's depressed now - teenage boy. I want to snap him out of it, I love him too much. I get all maternal. I don't want to be maternal. I don't know why. I'm lying. I don know why, I'm avoiding the thoughts. Look at the spot on the fridge, nice spot, interesting spot. okay.

Ah, the weird. Good distraction, thanks. I logged in as you by mistake once, there's a way. Do you knwo about it? She probably does. There are two sides to Pikachu. Nothing profound, I'm looking at a holographic acrd. My hints are poor, always were. In strides brother, out again. I wish he'd close the door after him! Plod, plod, plod, he goes through again. he's getting ready for work. Click! Bus? Can't see out, the blinds are shut. I should do some work. Soon, before the England game, i want to watch. Shameful. But i enjoy it really.

I don't believe anything is omniscient. Not to my understanding of knowing anyway. How can anything that isn't a being know and how can a being know everything? Hum. It's the fridge not meditation. I'm a skeptic.

Dance? I'm shy. I've never danced. Not true, free movement and dance when I did drama - i felt safe there. I like it to have structure, so I know what I'm doing. I can't just dance. I feel unsafe. Exposed. Dang, i can't spell exposed without retyping it. Cleoism

Whoo? Train of thought? A sound taht links them. Gary Hart. Poor guy. It wasn't his fault, I'll never believe that. Victim of circumstance.

Rules. I like to stick to rules. But sometimes i want to flout them so much. But I respect the institutions that have imposed them on me. My schools mostly. I got in a lot of trouble at my last school. Geography. But I didn't break the rules. He broke the unwritten rules. I suppose I did too. I questioned, i hit back. His hamster? Pffft. Cross now. Angry. Never see him again. Snowballs. Ha!

Wonders about H, and there was a T before too. Won't question. Rude! Probably I'm too polite. I worry about being too familiar. She's going to think i worry a lot. I don't. I'm a happy person mostly. I have anxious moments sometimes that's all. One moment of jealousy. In my entire life and that's the only one that i remember. i don't think that there were any others. That girl. She's nice too. Ah well. I can laugh at myself

An undisclosed thought. Hmmm. still usually I have lots of those. [censored] You made me think them!!! Thoughts that anyone else would be happy to share. Natural, normal, typical. I hold them to me. I shouldn't do that. But I'm not ready. He's in the shower? My brother, nothing to do with censoring. I want to go in there soon.

Monique. Calmer now. She won't go. I've convinced myself. My friend. She's beautiful. Not outside. Well she is outside too. But inside. No-one's lovlier than Monique. i don't believe that I'll ever meet anyone lovlier than her ever. Everyone's a bit in loe with her. Gap years. most peopke take unsafe gap years. They die sometimes. But not Monique. Not Islamabad. Not Pakistan. Not war. Or Zaib. I hope he doesn't go. I didn't have friends with family overseas before I came to this school. But I'm glad I came. But they mustn't go. Is that selfish?

I wouldn't want to see the future. Let it unfold as it unfolds. I'm absorbed. And now I'm distracted! That china set is ugly, we put it out because it's old. Maybe my mum actually like the way it loks. My finger's hot, i wonder if I have and infection?

The eye burning reminds me of Tyger, Tyger. Or another poem - The night has a thousand eyes and the day but one. But there's only one left on the radio. Have they been destroyed. The eyes of people? Still, a skeptic.

Relationship. Hmmmmmmmmmmm. [censored thought] No. It would be weird. I don't think I'm there yet

I should probably move on. Oh you wondered why people weren't responding to each other. Maybe because it's so time consuming. It pulls you in. Sometimes trivia is fun too. I wonder if it means as much, I seem to retain a lot of it. Me on the Weakest Link? Ha! I don't like Anne Robinson, I remember her as a presenter on the consumer rights show.

I wonder if kaleb is still drunk?

Jezz... I wish I had time to spend on SC before I go to work... Let me see, what did I leave on my desk yesterday - is the boss going to freak because I'm late for the 43rd day in a row??? Naw, he's just glad I show up at all... What am I going to wear today... hmmm... I didn't do any laundry this week - what am I thinking, I never do laundry with Ben around... I wonder what he's up to now... It's too late in the morning to think about such things, that would really make me late for work... aww! Go for it girl...I'll do this SC stuff on the weekend...

I like him more and more.... I know we would enjoy a good piss together... may turn out to be a pissing contest but then who cares... I wonder if he likes Billy Holliday or some down and dirty blues... what kind of music would I play to create a good atmosphere conducive to serious discussions about the wrongs of the world... I know - Led Zepplin... yeah - that's it! Followed by some Doors, hmmm. What should I prepare to eat - Aussie burgers? Naw, he wouldn't come all the way out here to eat the same thing he does at home, maybe our native stuff like pea soup? baked ham in maple syrup? Fudge it! I'll make some real good Thai food! Yeah, that's it. That could be followed by my famous chocolate cake, mmmmmm *drool* I wonder what kind of conversation he would have with Ben... I'm sure I'd get a kick out of it! Oh oh... Mat just came out of the shower, I'd better get going or I'll be late for work again...

I can't imagine thinking any positive things to have any futuristic purpose. I'm trying, but I can't. I think to myself all the time about things I don't want to say to other people. There's nothing positive that I have a hard time saying to others, so I don't spend any time thinking of it, I just say it. That's why when I think in words to myself, it's 'why do people always do this' or 'what's wrong with that'? It's always an argument or one sided debate. I don't like debating with people very much, so I think of my views and keep them to myself most of the time. I wish someone would give me something positive to spend time thinking about *in words* I always think positive things in images. Oh, and character dialogue, which wouldn't make much sense here, because I would sound like one side of a conversation. Like I'm on the phone or something. Oh I know of a positive thing I could think: advice, or my way of solving things, or something like that. In the 'feel your age' survey, I commented about hanging out with younger people to feel younger in spirit, and hanging out with older people to mature the mind and gain wisdom. I just notices that the cursor in the comment box doesn't blink. Steady cursor, like kaleb's comment. Oops, I got bagel butter on the mouse. Now I'll be a steady cursor.

Yay!

I wonder if this person thinks that if she writes it in italics, we've got some clue of what her mind patterns are like...

ahh.. finally this survey is here. i'll get up for coffee and a pee first. good grief someone has a long comment (probably shorter that mine though). I could have sworn that was her, it was as if the text flowed right through to the next comment. well, maybe someones ghost writing for her.
What did you do? I mean in a really close relationship, you could get away with sleeping with someone else, if that's really what you needed. If it was indeed a problem for him, it was probably how, not what you did. I'll speak out loud, since it all get's said here anyhow.. I sympthise with your desire, but you can't go expecting reactions in a relationship. It's what they call co-dependancy. It's especially bad if you want his ship to go down with yours. hmm.. maybe that's the problem You act by reacting. Don't presume it's everyones modus operandii. He might be trying to nobly steer towards a peaceful or satisfying answer by froging ahead, waiting for what can happen, and leaving the past behind. That doesn't mean he doesn't want things to work out between you two. hmm.. looks like i'm going to miss the sunshine again. all right, what's going through on my modem right now? Don't go turning your life upside down. It's not good for anyone. Do you want him to stick with you because he feels sorry for your sacrifice? You're prob oh boy, just got off the phone relationship counseling for my friend T about trust. I'd love to go camping with her, but not if it's motive is to get a reaction from her girlfriend. It's called game playing, even if it's the only relationship communication your heart knows. That you can break someone's heart is 'attachment', which is different than love and commitment. Most of the great spiritual sages teach love without attachment for reasons much wider than relationships, though it pertains there too. You should be together because you delight in each other, not because you suffer without each other. and you should support each others freedom as much as you share your intimacy. Love is voluntary, not fear based. Yeah, he should mean much more to you than neglect, but you're no stranger to manic-depression and should know to forgive those who neglect themselves. It might slip his mind that he'd be happier doing something with you. He should also love his work. Obsession, not being present in the moment, is not a good thing. Life in balance, call each other when the spontaneous impulse strikes, but don't ruin the rest of your life with pining and doubts. I abandoned my wife to immerse myself in a spiritual wife, and I have apologized when I finally took a look at what I put her through, but, she came out of it a much stronger person. The type of person I could marry where I would never again marry the type of person she was, always at my side at a party, jealous of any activities elsewhere in my life. I'd be looking for someone now who realises I love and commit myself to every stranger, and perhaps slightly even lust a few, even though I'd made the decision that my marriage was the relationship I'd always commit to nurture and take precedence over anything else in the long run.
Don't be needy, be giving. You can't be giving if you sacrifice yourself and force him to complete you. Relationships are an evolving process. You'll figure out these issues in time to work on new one's. I don't mean cut out all sacrifice. Sometimes it pays off missing sleep to have a day out together. Just make sure it's the right kind of sacrifice with no demand for or expectation of payback.

huh.. this is turning out to be a bit of the 'the psychiatrist is in' survey. well, that's a good thing. it put's me to some use. yay, theres irene. For most of my life, i've wanted to build all sorts of homes, castles, cities, boats, and motorhomes. Recently on ebay I discovered that an old school or tour bus can be dad for $1500 to $5500, though I'm in no position to afford even that. oww, my wrists are sore. arthritis or carpal tunnel i guess. yesterday i va-s admiring the lines of a bus i spotted. I loved the art-deco presidential coaches that san francisco was converting to public transit. too bad i was right on the money guessing they cost $750,000.00. My same thoughts on work that moment ago It's not even worth the effort of thinking quietly at the moment. maybe because it's biggles. wonder what she thought of my later ramblings. She's a pretty sensitive person. Srange that one of so few who announce the quality even exists. Sometimes I wonder if those who have it take it for granted that everyone else has that much consciousness too. either that, or they're compassionately and patiently waiting for everyone else to catch up without pushing into their karma. or maybe they just accept that we are wherever we are. I decided a couple days ago to put goldfish in the victorian tub I have in the yard. *disconnects internet* My neighbor asked me a day later if I had food for a goldfish she just won at a fair. Happily, it ate the green (spirulina, etc.) food supplement I had in my fridge. She's sure to be aware of such connections. wonder if, and usually do, if anyone who doesn't know about synchronicity and such even reads my comments. otherwise it's just the aware preaching to the aware. a world of our own making for our own sake, which unfortunately would justify the activities of selfish aristocracy as well. except, come to think of it, their world would be made of selfish competition. Secret newspaper? That's weird. Maybe she's at work. I recall how newspapers would slow my work cleaning out cars. Last night on star trek voyager an ancient dictator took ovor tess's body, but they merged, and he started ordering that everyone have gardens. Oh, I can relate. There are spiritual ways to take over things too. Even the decision to spark a spiritual awakening in someone or otherwise align the global consciousness of individuals, even through the most genuine loving ambient prayer broadcast can be likened to dictatorship if you desire the change. At least that's a plan towards the quality of being, and not any specific activities. Still, there's a quandary in when to step in. I recall tale of one saint, before he was labelled such, who manifested his image in front of fighter pilots telling them to return. Individual liberty, evolution, and meddling with individual/global karma can be sticky issues. Ones I don't have the answer to. As long as I perceive myself as a doer though, I do. I've already discovered a decade ago that if I was to leave creation unaffected, I would have to leave in all respects, and that too would have an affect. Occassionally I do the self-comparison with Hitler too, and certainly contemplate what he was on this planet for. I think we need to. I kept thinking I had settled on an understanding, and thankfully I kept evolving. If your like me, the issues of concern will stay with you, but the understandings will increase. *uses description of brother as template for seeing self - sees partial truth there. - hears neighbor saying 'We love him, we love him'* *Contemplates neighbor boy's repeated phrase 'You going to stay there?' in current context.* How sad, people still anger her. *wonders just how music is messing with her - temptations?* More *to*, that's sweet to hear. She, my friend T, is an artist, so often it is paint spills. Rubber? like a condom? are they throwing pink pearl erasers and pulling pony-tails like school kids? I almost brought home another bone from a hike. darn, the sun's going down. I should take a shower in it's last rays. now. ok, so i got distracted by a snack to do dishes to make coffee, and now i'm back to productive while having a cigarette. oh well. wonder if T would like to see DabP~'s baloon festival instead of camping? DabP~ would probably remind her of V who's she's escaping though. Hmm. so perhaps she too has a deep spirit connection that can not be talked about. Dispells reality. I've seen us break that taboo too. It usually opens heaven. I suppose our egos made up the rule to not cross that border. Dang, apparently I overestimated her. I thought she was simply keeping her knowledge of our interconnective reality on the fly a secret. (even if susceptable to deception) (So is any other human perception, my dear.) I'm falling into a weird relationship as her brother now. I wanted to do photo essay on my toilet paper. 9 times out of 10, for years I get portaits of Demons. I just laugh and not take it to seriously mean anything. *recalls all the images that told deeper stories about the surroundings they came from* Maternal seems natural enough to me. Recalls studies on how nursing excites sexual centers. [censored thought]. *spots radio comment again* Thinks about how being the radio is not having an opinion (ah, but heaven is that way too). wonders if she really means me by *Wadsworth* (hmm.. not wordsworth? gross sexual reference?) I wonder if both me and her do a bit more stopping thoughts in their tracks because of the publicity. I wonder how many people do as much self-thought censorship as i do in general. wonder if i've taken the right course. remembers that if i didn't stop the thoughts, they would become my being, and i choose to be something else. recalls that if you deny them entirely, they surface and plague you anyhow, worse than if you gently dismiss them. recalls sketching a really cool stain once, and writing long modern art critiques about things like my lunch or oil stains. sorry T doesn't get the same conclusions I came to about art. Logged in as me? No, I had no clue it could happen, though I recall once thinking it could. There must be reason. Pikachu, [censored thought] wonders again if she's on to me. wonders about X's abstract claim to be possessing people in my life. recalls friends poem about meditating to the refridgerator hum. bothers to mention how i envision plenty of light in biggles kitchen. Examines the hint phrase and wonder if she's really above so much even if she claims to be dubious of the radio and omniscience. We know everything that meets our senses (as if we create it on the fly), and can know things elsewhere in time and place too through psychic abilitis. Add to that things like parallel fractal facet universes, and the conclusion that even if it appears that we live in an existentialism where our thoughts and the creation before our eyes (the eye creates) are exactly synonymous, there's still the unanswered of who creates our mutual thoughts and creation, and it might as well be something connected to all thought and manifestation. The universe, to anyone observant, is obviously orchestrated, it may not have a plan, or even know what's its doing, but it certainly has control of every atom at the moment. If this is Maya, and even history is persistently created on the fly, then that's basically omniscience. We know what we are experiencing. In a sense, just that alone is omniscience, because for every instant, it is what's real, and we know all that we know. I loved improv theater dance. In contrast though, I can't dance with structure. Every moment has to be a physical communication of what I'm thinking. and dancing had another romantic association that I stopped just short of envisioning. Just imagining you dancing was sweet enough. T want's to maybe go out to clubs tonight. God I hate rushing. I have laundry to do. My god it's already 8 I've let her down. 'Cleoism' who's gary hart? i probably don't care. Someone who threw snowballs in class. relates to my changing the weathar during alaska trips? now that's rule breaking. 9-11 [censored thought] H was a rior gal I was courting, T is my best friend, someone who knows I would marry her, but prefers (at least on the surface), that I just be a sister to her. Initials save typing and protect their anonymity. I can disclose all my thoughts, but I only bring up others as a generic example of thought patterns, or as necessary to talk about my own life. wonders which undisclosed thought was referred to, whethar they are metaphysical, and the metaphysical interpretation of 'made me think them'. recalls thoughts of more romantic and sexual natures and laughs thnking those were the inspiration. T was talking to me fromher bath. I still need to take that shower. suns nearly down. why do i always wait till its too late? *visits initial survey comment* oh, that H Yeah, I dreamed of another H that I practically went out of mind over long ago. She's my vision of warmth and spunky sexuality. I woke up wondering what to do and spirit (in the voice of a cynical neighbor downstairs) said "What do you think? You let go of her again!". oh, that undisclosed thought. *flashes again on Monica, my early angel template* Finally' an explanation. Relates monique story to earlier comment about saint turning back fighter jets. hmm, not one who creates future. Yeah, knowing everything that's going to happen almost equates to not experiencing it. Compares poetry to personal knowledge of how things work. recalls things way to cumbersome to explain at the moment. Chuckles and smiles over relationship comment. 'Weird', she probably means the mixed gender bit. (Benefit of both worlds, sweetheart.) It helps to understand what the other thinks, and for that matter to be free employ any option. But yes, she's overseas, and this survey will be a foggy memory burnt into our psyche in a few months. recalls flirting with julie(?) at SC and how it's as if forgotten. Yep, Kaleb, I can dig something a bit closer to light-hearted buffonery about now. though we get pretty deep into things. and if I were purely on my feminine side, i might just fall for him. I'll leave it at the maternal stuff at most though. It as best to revise my thoughts toward 'don't go there', especially after saturday night live aired the christmas kangaroo sketch. wonders how many relationships would from instantaneously if people talked like I am with biggles.

To learn the extent to which we reflect eachothers thoughts. Unfortunately I had to speed read your comment because I too have to rush into the shower. Your 'why would they want to know' is almost a spell. It's like a sign to me saying "ok, you don't have to think about this comment.", and for practical reasons, I won't, though I feel a bit like i'm blowing you off. I'm sure you understand though. hospital? maybe i should read that a bit better.

OK, so when I talk "to myself" it's not really to myself. I'm not telling myself anything. I think it's more practicing articulating things, whether or not I actually put it to use is another matter. Sometimes I use it, sometimes I don't. Sometimes people ask me questions and I don't know how to answer them. So I'll be home thinking about it, and I have to actually imagine that I'm answering someone in order to come up with a good answer. I've done that a few times.

I'm so tired. It's after 11:00pm and I've been up since about 4:00 this morning. I really should go to bed. I've got so many things to do, though. Damn, my stomach is killing me. Bad idea to have Mexican for lunch and pizza for dinner. I should call Mom in a few minutes. See how she's doing. Do Dominic and Colton have to yell so loud? I'm trying to chill and relax and all I hear is bullcrap fighting. The dryer buzzed. Should I go get the clothes out and put the others in? I'll wait a little bit. What on earth is the dog barking at? I HATE that dog. I wonder how mad Dominic would be if I gave it away? *evil grin* I'm glad Caleb is already asleep. He hates when they are fighting. Enough of this. I'm going to go smoke a cigarette.

He didn't call today. I didn't call either, it was kind of a unspoken "okay let's see if you are interested enough to call" sort of thing. It is friday night and here I am, my SO asleep in the living room at 10:00 at night and he is probably out fudging some other girl. As if I have the right to be jealous..... I have no real ties to him. I wish that I could be out with him, at the club or pub or house party- doesn't matter. He makes me feel so giddy. I decided I won't call him again unless he makes the first move. I won't go see him play either. Damn- that makes me think of how cute he looks on stage...
Crap. Now I am going to have to go drown my sorrows with my buzzing plastic friend.

I wonder if she presumes I will be responding to her? Probably. hmm.. a totally reaction existence. This is all like a dream, and we steer it with our thoughts. Do you spend a lot of time thinking your thoughts can affect the future, or just when you're in this survey? I wonder if I'll ever get her to see the connection? Positive images / negative words? That's strange. are the majority of her conversations debates? So what are these positive images? Do you think of different subjects visually than you do in words? Years ago I used to have conversations rehearsing in my head in preparation or fantasy about interacting with people. No doubt it's because the 'word' thoughts are regarding interactions that they're more negative for her. Why are you waiting for someone to plant thoughts in your head? That's absurd. When I'm spacing out I often notice myself mumbling my magic words: heaven, angel, hooply, bliss, and similar ones i can't recall at the moment. I think I had to train myself to do it at one time, but now the words usually reflect what i am thinking about, seeing things as a micro heaven around me. *flashes on thoughts of cats falling off porch and thinks safe path down stairs for them* *wishes i didn't have fear thoughts to correct* You see, what I think comes true, good or bad. and I don't dare let thoughts like my father-in-laws new car being destroyed go manifesting the next morning. Since 9-11, I don't allow myself vengeful thoughts at all. We have to be sweet. In three months of company I could turn her around, just like T, but then T was at least conscious, she just had a destructive understanding. D too, how do they get conscious without first understanding harmony? Oh good, she's coming up with her own thoughts. dang, she's lost. Can't you think of all those peace and harmony cliches? Everyone helping each other? Visualise everyone giving each other foot rubs. or flowers springing forth from all the sidewalks. Surely you must have something happy to think about and wish for your world. Her thoughts must agonize her. No, she sort of likes tripping on them. I wouldn't want to spend more time thinking of that stuff. I paid my dues. ooh, here's a trick for her to trip on.. hope it works. what a lame thing to do.i think her vibes are intersecting with mine. what an imp. i could start quoting what i hear on the radio for her. yeah, ive probably already tried that with her. (radio's spelling out 'butter' at the moment in some surreal song.) does she consider my life surreal? or even believe it? or even pay attention to what it is i'm describing?

wonder if she reads my other comments. ok, so i haven't been so supernatural lately anyhow. people are making one word comments. either they're not playing along, or their heads are totally empty. say there's a thought.. actress and confetti don't really exist, they're computer programs or something, and therefore have no reactions to share hear. Biggles is right, no one has the time to type what they're thinking as they read other comments, even though , even though what? lost that thought. too busy thinking of mandy, she's probably tired with her new job. i push her too hard. i can't even keep up telepathy with folks like that. just mentioned it because indeed, i've had moments of telepathy with a couple old folks that worked out better than trying to communicate normally. who knows, could actually help. besides, if i convince her to take this stuff for granted she might rocket through the stuff like my daughter did. what's joalis doing with all this stuff? i know she's practically on the other side of the planet from having these gifts, even if she's a touch more likely to believe in them than people who might end up getting them. no that's not true, everyone i saw about to make the change had the core faith going, at least, even if they'd given up expecting to see it.
Dear, your turning yourself into a robot. You almost never end up using that stuff, and when you do, it's either canned, slightly out of place, or works because you willed an exact opportunity to use it into being. Much better to learn being spontaneous. Have your subject matter in hand, but speak as is appropriate for the moment. Look at my comments. I'm practically a different person with different issues for each person here. If you rehearse it, it's a monologue, not a conversation or dialogue. It means you aren't really talking with the person, butliving in your own conceptiion of the past. and people will recognize that. talking with you would be like talking with a telemarketer, someone who wants to sell you onsomething that isn't real. Try quieting your mind and walk around meditating on seeing beauty in things and people; that way, when you snap out of it to talk to someone, it won't matter so much exactly what was said, because it will be said sweetly, and benefit both of you on that aspect alone. i hope some of this stuff gets through. Stop presuming people are making so much of your words. They're reading your attitude, and no acting practice is going to change that.

dang, the blinking didn't work.

huh, this interesting. reading her comment leaves me with almost no reaction, nor triggers any thoughts. I think we are on what they would call 'totally different frequencies'. *fights desire to have abstract grouchy thoughts*. ok, am i having this mood because i'm picking up her vibes or because i feel i should have a sweet interaction, yet don't really care much? i'm fairly sure we've had our brief moments together though.

*sends good will prayer out to B_L_F* Ok, after having to admit that someones comments meant little to me, reading an anonymous comment might be a relief. So much for my reputation of loving everyone. well, sometimes it's true. Come to think of it, there are times when i'm just to tired to care about anything. I just happened to run into her comments whentired or needing to leave. maybe, maybe not. lets see what happens next.
oh sheesh, another rerun of my evening with T, trying to coach her through the problems she's having with her girlfriend which represent what we are going through on a higher level. Oh, perhaps I should called C. Her insignia was an the spoon T and I served curry with. well, what can she expect. She's practically on the other side of the planet for years.
Why does he have to call first? is she even going to find my response. dang, anonymous commentors. well at least i can see why she might want to be anonymous. *remembers when i lived for a couple days in a rusty skeleton of an old VW near a gorgeous lagoon, and how the priortenetn left a partial buzzing pen which i'm almost certain was used as a vibrator. wonders again if that's where i found my amy personality. radio quotes "being vivian (one of my other personalities)" from the being john malkovich soundtrack (which i was relating this survey too earlier today) and mentioning bjork who was also just playing as respresentative of both my friend T i was just thinking about, and bjork also reminded me of living at the lagoon before remembering the vibrator pen there.* radio mentions H too. If it starts wrapping up my days thoughts, i'll have a hard time typing out all my thoughts quick enough. people might be interested in how a person can collect their universe into themself, have it all implode on you.

Oh, my God! I drank a carton of piss that night, that's 12 750mL bottles of 5% beer. I really do swear a hell of a lot. i always have. I usually tone it down on SC, that is unless I'm drunk!. 'Wanker' and 'jerk off' can be used interchangably. That should be enough of an explanation of the word . It's really weird reading your "thought" it's sort of like leaving a breifcase with an operating tape recorder running inside it when you leave a room then checking what people say about you later. I've never done that BTW - too scared! WOW! can you analyze someone! I won't tell you what it is you said, but once you came out with something about me and I actually thought (for a second) that you may have gone out of body and been peeping over my shoulder. I feel good right now. I don't know why.

Hey, did you order your bike because of what I said??? That would be cool.

Guess what I had to eat tonight? An Aussie burger AND a double whopper with cheese. I dug a garden today and sort of forgot to eat so I thought I deserve to feel full in the guts for once. I love Thai food, and the ham and maple syrup thing sounds awesome. It it Kosher? Who're Ben and Mat again? I drank a whole carton that night - 12 tallies of 5% beer. I tend to get loud and swear a lot more than usual but I always have a good time. It's true that I swear when I talk to myself! Hey, pea soup reminds me of another Aussie delicacy - pie'n'peas. You take a small individual meat pie, peel the top back and pour hot mushy peas inside the pie. Put the lid back down and smother in tomato sauce . Good working food!

whoa, it's kaleb, yay, almost missed that comment. Didn't really expect you tonight. Considers getting a beer, weighs consequences, sees tomorrow getting closer to shot as sun nearly rises. oh wait, I already have been drinking tonight. *pours last glass of spumante left from evening with T.* Fudge, that's a lot of beer. I used to drink almost that much when i was in my twenties, though their were always friends from work and and housemates, (or both at once) with me. That was a mess. Guitar, loud music, cigarette butts and bottles sometimes left on the floor where my kid could crawl to eat them. I can't imagine doing it alone. So how ya been? ok, lets maintain some sequence here, read some more comment. im interested in what's going on in the aftermath of this drunk. Ah, yes, that does explain. still wondering what his neighbors did to deserve being perceived as jerk-offs. I once spent an entire week as a school project recording every thought with this degree of detail, so it's not really new for me. Besides it already sort of resembled my writing. I also noticed a moment ago that it inducus 'letting it all hang out', i mean what the hell, you're going to say it anyhow. It's cool to hear i have a knack for analysis. I guess i reall am SC's 'the psychiatrist is in' 'chick'. what did he say about ordering a bike? Oh, no. I had already ordered parts to 'make' a moped before even doing my research on their existence in LA. I argued with my friend about the moped conspiracy. She only seemed lightly to agree with the 'they push higher priced items' part. The part about 'but there aren't any and LA used to be crawling with small bikes' didn't get through though. She didn't think a smaller bike could do any speed distance, and i had to mention how i weighed 185 lbs (slightly heavy teen), with another teen on the back of my little yamaha 100, and we could do more than the freeway speed. That's part of the plot I think, to make people forget that less works. Sometimes I do visit people out of body, though it seems at least a year since i've done that. I had one friend show me a picture of a friend, and she was amazed at how accurately i could describe their persona, and yet she was someone with a crapload of psychic abilities too. Actually it was more like impressed, not amazed, come to think of it. I'm still working on a letter to her since we broke up two years ago crap, has it been that long? where is life going? will i end up in jerome or jenner with C, would that be enough for me? costa rica, or just stay in some holding pattern here in LA. Crap, I have to get in gear. I probably had some accurate analysis of kaleb in my comment to him. should i reread it. nah, no need. So how's the comfort on this survey? Are you finding anything else people have to say informative, as in the sort of thing they think, or is it pretty much as you expected? It's the sort of thing i expected. i hoped folks would converse more with eachother, but then i wasn't sure they'd even comment at all. Yeah, it's weird, it's like a 'me' and 'them' survey i'm hosting, and few come back for a second shot. The last survey i 'hosted', biggles was also the only repeat customer. We started bringing up some fun stuff (relationship speculation). Well, hopefully I'll catch you another survey. You might be more at ease, and I wouldn't have to spew out everything that enters my head, relevant or not. *hears birds (oh no, need to sleep soon, will probably have to leave other replys till tomorrow), radio announces song was called 'black geese'* tries relating title to kaleb. Hope you catch that comment from irene in this survey. wonders if he'd be less comfortable talking to someone who hasn't been nearly so direct already. Well, catch ya later. Nice talking to you. If I had the money, I might have taken your advice on ordering such a bike.

oh cool, he did get her comment. *typo says ho - reminds me off the hookers T and I saw on the sunset strip last night* blames it on my white go-go boots i finally wore. I feel like I'm eavesdropping. T mentioned Burger King has veggie burgers tonight. admires and relates with first few sentences. Kosher? what a joker. Yechh, pot-pies. Here in the US, they come that way as frozen pot-pies. I had plenty as a kid. They were basically the cheapest thing resembling a meal available in the supermarket. So what form do these meat pies come in. Do they make decent ones or are they mostly corn-starch? I can't believe the notion of sex hasn't even crossed your mind, or at least imaginations on if she were to visit. This is one brutal survey, isn't it?

I think those pies have to be 25% meat. I really don't eat them very much. Maybe once a year. I love the meat in BK burgers. They flame grill it . There was smoke pouring out of the top of Bk when i drove through. I thought there is something strangely obscene about the scene. It reminded me of a crematorium.

What do you mean "I can't believe the notion of sex hasn't even crossed your mind, or at least imaginations on if she were to visit."? You're really enjoying this survey huh? . I think I need to have another booze binge and think out loud again!

Oh, on the music exam. Well, my friend didn't get the same exam I did, but I couldn't do it, so I had a little piece of paper that I took with my sharps and flats thing for music on it. I feel a little bad since my music teacher is so nice, but I really really really couldn't remember how to make the thing. I can't remember which are sharp and which are flat....it's just too hard. What am I doing? I don't need to justify this to myself. I already know that cheating is wrong.....oh well, I don't do it that often. I still don't get the italics thing, but that's okay it's not important. Me and my mom and sister buy a lot of strawberries. Well, actually we pick them. But after you pick them, you still have to buy them, so I guess it's basically the same thing. I like to use them for strawberry shortcake and for smoothies and stuff. Stream of conciosness? Okay. I'm trying!

Okay, thanks!

I do use it when it's appropriate. In some interactions with people, I don't know what to say, then I think of it later but I still never say it. Suppose I quit thinking all this dialogue stuff. What else would I think about in words? Things that are really and truly 'to myself' and don't need a response? That doesn't serve any purpose to me. Why think "I have to do dishes" or "I think I'll go play in the sprinkler" or "It sure is a nice day today"? There's no reason to turn those into words. That's simple stuff. I can imagine myself thinking those things, but not without imagining someone listening.
If people read attitude and not words, what's the point of even talking at all? If I don't like something my neighbor does, and I respond without words, it's no different than if I use words and my neighbor is reading my attitude? No wonder I never call people on things they do that I don't like. It would have no effect anyway.

Kosher ham? Ben is my husband, lover, best friend, buddy, backgammon partner and etc... Mat is our (conceived with much love) son.

Gawd! Listen to me! You can always tell when I get a taste of the "blue veiner" (the diamond cutter, the one-eyed super worm, the big one etc...)!! I'm just glowing!!

I plan to make Aussie Burgers for the work crews this summer (when we start clearing the land in order to build). It's shredded carrots and pickled beets right? What else? Tomatoes? lettuce? Mayo or ketchup? Relish? Mustard?
I'll write it down this time.
I'm not too sure about the pie'n'peas though... Although it sounds like something my brother, The Great White Hunter, could enjoy!

I hope you're giving your wrists the attention that they deserve? RSI isn't a good thing. My fingers ache when I've been using a computer too long. Arthritic by the time I'm 30 probably.

I like the idea of a school bus being dad and sprogging out a lot of baby buses. Wonder if she noticed that typo. My mind isn't quite absorbed by this yet, that might come later. I was reading an article about hypnotism today that said that those who became most absorbed by what they were doing were best able to be hypnotised. Something to do with the Stanford scale? Those cars are noisy......

Sensitive. Made me think of toothpaste. I dropped the tube on the bathroom floor this morning, behind the toilet. I forgot to pick it up. I should remember to do that.

I don't understand consciousness. With you it takes on a different meaning. I don't know if I believe thte meaning. Disbelief makes us falter but I'd feel daft without it. Exposed. I talked about exposure before I think, now she'll think I'm a sociophobe. I like being social, but with limits. Something of kaleb in me too, not as bad as my brother though. Ugh last night watching him eat pizza. Or my dad eating his dinner today. Slosh slosh slosh, can't they eat quietly?

I used to have goldfish - Snowy and Ginger. Snowy was snowy because it had a fungal infection, died a day after I got it. I cried a lot. Me and Danielle held a funeral for it and buried it in the garden. Very solemn, my mum watched. We danced and pranced to music from a wind-up box. My mum just wanted to flush it down the loo. I was small, I couldn't reach the flush so i buried it instead. We had them in the garden ponds too. But there are cats next door so they didn't last for long. Except Ginger, he led a charmed life. Went from about 6cm long to almost a foot. I wonder if I'm exaggerating, he was pretty big.

Arguments often only convince those who already agree. I scorn the daft arguments, the ones that don't agree. I think we all look to reaffirm ourselves. Agh, those cars are noisy! And now my net's disconnected! Kristal disconnected there too I think. Please reconnect. Good.

Hitler was a great man. I feel guilty for thinking that sometimes. I admire something about him hugely. I wonder why they use that font on the keyboard? I'm easily distracted today. Couldn't concentrate on my work earlier. Could fail these exams. Poeple have too much faith in me - you're Claire, you'll do fine. If I dod less than fine it's a let-down. But still, I haven't failed an undertaking yet, I won't get strated properly until I find a limit, then I can push it and push it as far as I can. I like chemistry best because it's a challenge, it's hard. I like that, I haven't found much hard before.

Robert with a rubber? Not then. Just a little boy really. It was an eraser. Now he's big. I don't speak to him much anymore. A shame. In the future maybe. Not everyone can be current. I sorted him for a while, like my younger brother. Sweet really

I used to collect bones on the beach and on walks. Take them home and bury them to dig up cleaner weeks later. Something about the bone fascinted me, still does. Loose teeth rattling in the jambone. Reminds me of the story about the two men who see a decomposing dog, a disgusting sight. They walk on and see an old wise-man. They warn him not to take that path because he'll see the dog but he goes on anyway. They meet him again going back the other way and they ask him, wasn't he shocked by the dog. And he just says "it had the most beautiful teeth" I don't know why that story stayed with me, I'm not even sure completely what it means. But I like it anyway.

You're a long way from Wadsworth. He's a bumbling fool. No sharpness there. I like him, he's affable and all. But he irritates me as a teacher. I can't imagine you failing to teach even if you didn't try. He tries and fails completely.

I like the purple of the replies page. I don't usually like purple, but I like this.

I'll email you if you'd like about how to log in as you, though I don't know if you could withdraw the chance. That sounded silly - I'll tell you how to log in as you! Like she doesn't know.......tsk! Well, she'll know what I mean. I like your colour scheme by the way - nice and bright.

It's a lovely light kitchen. I'm not there now. But I can feel the light. But it's onto a main road, we have blinds. A shame. I picture how it is when the blinds are taken down. The light! Open and fresh. Like grass and dew. I wonder why it's been so long since I walked through dewy grass. O fat white woman whom nobody loves.......But no train here, just cars. Noisy cars.

I don't undertsnad her a lot of the time. It washes over me. I get a vague outline, but teh detail escapes me. Maybe that's best. My head might explode if I did that. It would make a mess. Mum would be cross.

I'm trying anyway. The words go in but the meaning doesn't always follow. But I know if I try and respond I'll sound like a fool! I'll just mmmmmmmm. And nod. She knows I don't follow her completely. I wonder if she enjoys that? She's all woman today it seems.

Gary Hart. I don't care either today. I cared a lot at the time. He's almost forgotten.

Good God"!!!!!!!!!!! Stupid internet connection, down again, but dialling in. Good.

I need a shower. My hair. All manky. I don't know why. Stress. I should cut it all off. I looked like a boy when I did that. Any ideas what causes sudden dandruff outbreaks? Sorry, that's a bit of a manky question. I wonder if she knows what i mean by manky?

The Christmas kangaroo sketch intrigues me. I imagine Hawaiian shirt wearing kanagaroos throwing snow and drinking beers. Makins snow angels, with tails.......

Work's pressing. Always pressing. Not long now. Caspian strip.......

I have to wrap Lexie's presents today. I never get a chance because of having 2 kids here and no one to distract her long enough. Ok that was something just as easily said to another person. What's the point of thinking things to yourself that you already know? Sailboats... dang this is hard. I know we have a space next to the garage for building a boat. I was thinking of explaining it but I already know what it's like. When I think of positive things to put here, I'm consciously aware of the people reading it, and it becomes more for other users and less for me. I have nothing to say to myself. The boat. I want it to be removable sail. what color should it be? I don't know. dang. giving myself all this extra information is clutter. negative stuff comes so much more natural than positive stuff. I use up all the positive stuff in real life. No sense telling myself I want a custom built sailboat. I already know. K_R I am trying! What can I tell myself that I don't already know? I wonder how big the boat David wants to build is? He doesn't know either. It would be next to the garage on the wide path, he would have to build in summer or get a cover. maybe we should build a car port there. naah... or maybe, yeah. if im keeping the path, a drive through port would be cool. it would be big enough for a snow plow, but where would the snow go? over the garden? keep the roots insulated. i wonder if that would make the flowers grow better. i dont know. i guess all the positive stuff i think is mostly stuff i wonder. i never noticed that before.

I suspect that my last comment to Kaleb sort of cleared up the air in regards to musing about sex... Ha! I got mine! Kristal should know me by now... I really like the off the wall types, the controversial types, weird ones, strange, normal, boring - naw... strike that; I hate boring people. I wonder what ever happened to annodoblivion? hmmm... probably pushing Bibles somewhere.... I can't have a beer with someone like that - they make me uncomfortable... so righteous, so pure, so saintly... ugh! I think I'm gonna puke... I wonder how well people can size you up, here at SC. Inflections during dialogue can say as much as body language can, without it - I'm only a partial person here.... incomplete... unreal... How can I get through to them?? I just wanna dance!! *bell rings* - the front door, the delivery guy is here - I think I'll have a glass of Pepsi - I wonder how many people here know that French Canadians are often referred to as "Pepsies"? I don't get it... They call them Pea Soup and frogs as well... Strange... Damn! He delivered a regular Pepsi and I only drink diet... I think I have another reply - I'll go check it out before I go exchange my bottle of Pepsi...

I'd like to walk along and see people dancing, singing, yelling, laughing, throwing things, having fun, playing, arguing, slamming stuff, jumping, skipping, running, hiding, sneaking, smiling etc. and > living in harmony.

I love this survey. I am a voyeur. I delight in looking inside their most private of places and finding my own hopes and fears and dreams and pain.
I have given so much of myself away this week I have nothing much left for any of them
I want to respond to everyones pain. I want to heal you all. Embrace you all. I want to bend Kaleb over and *myriad of highly censored thoughts*. I want him. I've never even seen him. I don't care. I want his brain. I can get to it from behind. He's sexy because he's put up walls. He's sexy because he's broken like me. He's sexy because he gives nothing away. I cannot even believe I can think about sex after what I have seen and done this week.

anon....I was there. I was you. There's satisfaction in this drama isn't there. Elation and despair both fill that hole. Good luck. Watch your back. Don't lose what you already have over a dream of something better unless there is real promise for more happiness. Sometimes there is. I know. Sometimes we fool ourselves that this one will make it(me) all better. No one else can do that. There will still be bills to pay and kids to raise and the sheen might wear off. You know the truth about him in your heart of hearts so do not be tempted to make the dream of him the reality of him and end up broken. You don't need him to feel beautiful. You just need you for that.

Hey. I did have something left. Because she's me. She's me right now. She's where I was. With Larry, with Nick. All my life the same pattern. Looking for happiness in another human. Looking for satisfaction and completion. Who am I to talk? I'm still doing it. Fudge! I've just traded up. I want to cry again. I've cried more this week than in any time in the last 9 years. RAW RAW RAW. I hope there isn't something wrong. It's just stress from all the changes and from being physically worn out. 7 pounds in one week! That would have delighted me to no end before but all I care about now is feeling the sunshine on my face and being free to come and go as I please and eat when I want and laugh and play. Car?Money? Whatever? None of that matters as I hold hands, guide and tend to basic needs.*crying again* I hope I'm not really depressed and that this is just an adjustment thing.

I love you Kristal. This is right up your alley. She should do this all the time. Advise and relate spiritually to all our tender souls. We should pay her. *laughs*

I love you all. I have so much love. I never knew.

You make me think sometimes. Sometimes you make me worry too. What is all this about darma and karma? Can you really see into my life? That's what it sounds like sometimes. If you can, what do you see? So far, the things you say are right on. Even the thing about my mother and stuff. Tell me more. Sometimes I get so confused I can't even tell what I'm feeling, but if you can I'd love to hear it.

Oh yeah, you can actually email me if you want to.
sparticus_d2@hotmail.com

I called him this AM and he did not pick up, I had a little free time this afternoon while the kids were with Dad and SO was at work, he has not called me back. I think I was right. He is not interested now because I did not sleep with him last time we were together. I threw up twice after I left him the message. I know he is no good in the back of my mind- I know those rumors are true. But my SO is no good either. So here I am. Stuck. Stuck here in my mind with this struggle no one but he and I are aware of. I am crying at this moment, I hurt so bad sometimes- I just want it all to stop. I am always alone. I put on the brave face for all- for my SO and my two real friends..... I say, yeah- sure- you can call me back later, when inside I am screaming HELP ME!!!! HELP ME PLEASE!!! I am going crazy with all this pain! I need you! I need someone.... and then I latch on to this man or that man and I cannot see what is real or work on healing the relationship I have...
It is hard to heal him when he does not want it... But the wound is hurting me, not him.. what will I ever do..?

I always wonder when someone is thinking- "My God, has she not got the hint that I don't want to talk to her anymore, I have not called her back" That is why I wanted to wait for him to call me. But I gave in this morning, and he has not called back anyhow. So that is it then. I will not call anymore- I made an offer to get together and he did not call so that means he is not into me. I must not call. I must overcome those thoughts of him and not call. Ew, now that horrible poison song is in my head again.... Kylie.... she is so pretty but too thin.... Sometimes I wonder if Krystal_Rose is too smart for me to even talk to, she seems to speak in crypts

You know what to do. Fix yourself first. Everything else will then repair itself OR be not so important anymore.

Talk to me. Talk to anyone who will listen. Keep talking. Work it through. Move forward. Don't dwell.

You are precious. Capture and dwell on the highest thought of yourself then be it. In being it even if you don't fully believe it yet...you'll manifest that true sense you have of you and rise to the occasion. You will become the you ...you always knew you could be. It's hard. It hurts...you'll doubt. Maybe we'll do it together...I'm working on that now. Come with me.

and...let the man go. Let him go. Let him go and fudging don't look back. It works!

I should know, baby.....been there....been there.....

*visualizes crematorium* oh no, plenty of comments, maybe i should wait on this, hop in the shower instead. work on my motor and the garden. I could surely be wrong, but when a gal says she might enjoy getting drunk with you, seems like the sort of thought any burnt blood munching dude who works out might be thinking. Yep, I can imagine the liquor helps with the freedom of expression. A dozen years ago it was the only time i was comfortable really talking, that and being trapped in social situations without a car back to escape into my work. (which is why i see hope for you). Yep I'm enjoying it, sure is a lot of work though. let's see would, i prefer he stay sober, or speak his mind. the latter, unless he's like my bro who can't retain the experience, just as people forget their dreams. Ya, know, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You could type everything, then paste '[censored]/[undisclosed]' over everything you change your mind obout before hitting submit. I've discovered a couple thoughts i didn't even know i had until i put them in words. *recalls feminine void*. Doesn't every guy who hasn't trained most of it away like I did, flash thoughts about sex given the slightest provocation?

[undisclosed memory of subject] hmm.. a too smart comment, get to that is sequence. Yay it's jemmy, dang she thinks so sweetly. *recalls learning all those cycle of fifths charts - wonders if relearning formal music or explicit chords would help my music, or just be an ego thing to prove something to people who call themself professional*, she seems to be wired all emotional and little intellect. we need people like her. My son nearly failed music, and he's good enough to teach the other students. His final moved him up from an F to a B though. do the teachers just make up grades these days? *chilly breeze - samba music* There's the strawberry connection again. I was right. [censored vision flash] Realises I'm visualising stuff that wouldn't occur to me only because i'm trying not to. Maybe you could just use **'s or ()'s and not worry about italics. You seem to be doing fine anyhow. i should figure out how to demonstrate html code. it would be karmically equitable. Ok, here's what it should look like:
Loud words, blah, blah, blah, (i)things you just think without saying..(/i) More words.. But use those angle brackets <> instead of parenthesis ().

*grouchy abstract impulse* what's she talking about? oh. Why do you have to have chatter in there in the first place? What do you think all those new age teachers are trying to teach? All the time you are absorbed in those internal dialogues, you are missing out on life. I'm either quiet now, or i put my mind to work on stories and inventions. I might refresh my memory on subject matter before going to a meeting, but practicing to sound clever just does'nt cut it for me anymore. wonder if she's remembering to type all her thoughts? Quite often, there really isn't much point in talking. It's a way to communicate to solve problems and such, but 98% of what's said out there is really unnecessary. It's usually an excuse to have or share emotional states. Your right, it probably doesn't. If jemmy were to tell a neighbor that there dog barking bothered her, they'd see that she really doesn't want to cause a fuss, and that it must really cause her trouble, and that she'd be quite sensitive to their needs if it were the otherway around, and so they'd try to find some way to keep the dog quiet. Now if you said the exact same words about the dog bothering you, they'd think, aw, fudge her, she doesn't care about us, just about the dog, she'd probably sue us if she could, and if she had the dog she probably wouldn't keep it quiet unless nearly forced to. So yeah, you're basically screwed, they respond to how they believe you feel about them, not so much the logistics. If they did quiet the dog, it would be more because they didn't want to here you bicker any, and because it's generally the right thing to do. I exxagerate a touch here, but not much. and sure, there are others reside purely in the same realm of righteousness and propriety as you do, (your anti-propriety is really immersion in propriety.) but there not in the majority. For most people, sentiment rules.

Recall that old cliché "it's the thought that counts".

page is loading slow because i was thinking to hang up SC and take that shower.

I sometimes engage in internal dialogue to write stories. What do most people think about, where they are NOT missing out on life? How is thinking "I wish the neighbor wouldn't do that" while doing dishes any different than thinking "I wonder what color I should paint the toybox?" I'm missing out on life by thinking? I don't see how what I think about is any more life consuming than what other people think about. Internal dialogue is something to be discouraged, but simple positive stuff is OK?
I don't practice to sound clever, I practice just to put words together. Otherwise I would have absolutely no idea what to say, especially in difficult or conflict situations. If I said just what I felt in the moment, without thinking first, I would most definately sound like the person complaining about the barking dog. So, if I do call people on stuff they do that I don't like, and they dismiss me because of their touchy (overly sensitive) perception of my attitude, I would get better results dropping hints and making them feel bad, wouldn't I? If I were to bring something up, I wouldn't want someone to feel intimidated, threatened or even pressured into doing something (or ceasing something) so why would people get that impression? Because I don't preface everything with "I don't want to sound picky" or "I don't mean to be petty..."? I highly doubt that people you hardly know can tell if you care about them or not. People aren't that intuitive.

i -hould play some guitar tonight. oh right, it's call AK night. maybe call mom too.
sweet concern. invisible text. who wrote this stupid textbox editor? RSI? Typo? netscape 4 was better. it's probably tied into raptor. Yeah, but more likely to hypnotise others too. What's the Stanford scale? toothpaste? So, i'm not the onlyone who's lazy about such trivial stuff. On a good day I just deal with it, instead of get really lame, and put it on a list of things to do, and then get ovorwhelmed trying to follow such a list, or get stuck with the mounta'in of post-it notes to sort, most of them irrelevant by the time I enter them in my computer or redo my master to do list. I think you're one of the least socio-phobe folks here. What do you mean by consciousness? For me, its seeing how spirit creates things. envisions pig troughs. recalls farrels ice-cream as a kid with their player piano and troughs of ice-cream. What cool fish names. strange how i react emotionally to some peoples storios, and not others. ah, the player piano has resurfaced *recalls my 'Lara's theme' music box, and C's 'Lara's theme' electronic top, and plans to make a global network of sattelites, computers, steam engines, and other katzenjammer gizmos to operate the music box as a conceptual art piece.* Yow, that's one huge goldfish. I forget those guys are like coi. *visions of coy and demure* *suddenly hears fleet of noisy cars pass while reading about same* She's aware of our connection. So what kind oyf arguemnts does she refer to? Maybe help for joalis. *Drops jaw on hitler statement - chuckles* Ok, maybe, the guy had some really socially considerate dreamy-eyed visionary plans , but something obviously got screwed up there. The guy had charisma, no doubt about that. He had a lot of virtuous leader qualities that would have been great if properly applied. *envisions him planning his new utopias* recalls how 'moon raker' made me reflect on my own short comings in utopian planning long ago. Doesn't seem to say that much, see beauty. Ya never know what a person perceives. Any disgust was precluded by their warning. A teacher that doesn't cut it, how sad. At worst I only see ones who don't know how to inspire the students to learn on their own. Santa monica in the 2000's is not santa cruz in the 80's. They told me that too. Why do they accept it? So what are your colors? Which color theme do you use here? *wonders what i was thinking to inspire a siren* Yeah, sure, as a programmer, i'm curious. I don't think you should be sending that out to anyone else though, a few here might actually use it. Oh, wishes i were there to comfort you, *recalls i have other plans*. [undisclosed thoughts] I love walking barefoot in grass, or most anywhere. All i ever wear is sandals. i should see go research the prior comment, see if that's a reaction to something i said. *gives up trying map prior comment to current comment* No, i'd rather you get this stuff. Though there are other ways in which i sort of get high on myself like that. I do usually have to be on top, when people around me actually are catching up with things like telepathy, i think, oh crap, now what am i good for, i'm going to have to reach even higher. *rolls eye, sticks out tongue, and nearly giggles over womanly comment* I think I'm mostly genderless, unless i visualise myself, in which case i'm feminine. When I think of others romantically, I tend to become whatever gender they aren't, but really, i'm thinking so much of them, i'm not there. In my sexual fantasies, i'm usually either envisioning a woman, or being her. On the rarer occasions that i fantasize about being with a guy, i'm thinking of myself as woman, mostly, and the guys role in supporting that. I stopped doing that so much when I started losing hope of a complete gender change. I'll be fine, however. Ah, a failed connection comment as i refocus on big's comment. too bad i forgot to address my reply to kaleb, hopefully he'll find it. This survey is sort of day-dreamy. Manky? never heard that one. envisions manx cats. Oh no, don't cut it. I love long hair. Weathar? Exercise? Complex fats? I've had scabs on my scalp most of my life. Mom had a lump on her skull. *envisions sci-fi movie like paranormal organ* you have to see the sketch. You have to fight the christmas kangaroo for gifts. If you lose, he sodomizes you. The kids were pissed because eventually dad wasn't. My friend T just arrived in tears, I have to go.

I think you are right about arguments. I probably go over arguments in my head to reaffirm them. If I voice them, I have to contend with possible disagreement.

ok, shake all this relationship muck out of my head. way too complex to bring up here. Ok, Lexie, who's lexie again? ah right, i keep forgetting she has kids. that's because i crossed some wires between her and jackie hart. Strange, joalis was someone i channeled off of and thought was a quiet spiritual type back in the miykal days. I still have that cootie catcher. pretty sure joalis as is the one who gave me the link to cootie-catcher instructions and chitty-chitty bang-bang tales. coffee's done. wonder if my son lile could use a coffe-maker for his birthday. good grief, i'm going to have be prepared for him getting married in a year or two, i bet. *recalls conversation on how people were guilty about staying at the burger place, as if in voluntary alcatraz exile.* Yes, it does merge with thoughts explained for others. The basic idea though is simply to converse without hiding anything that runs through your mind, and due to human limitations, that pretty much means putting your thoughts into words, even if they were only pictures in your head. The idea is to show what you really think, and that of course will alter in context. What i'd be thinking in meditation loop with a metaphysical radio show would be much different. I must say though, you seem to be getting better at it, this time/comment. ooh, my hands ache. check coffee. *feels glued to keyboard* yumm. think i'll watch that video tonight need to pay bills. what a rebel, she thinks we should be free to talk out loud in public; you make it the paradigm, and she doesn't know what to do. Her head's empty? I doubt that. Just reading comments should create some thought reaction. *feels groin awareness in synchronicity with yelling partyers* *dispells worries about them breaking glass* Huh, what a bizarre problem to have. It's like maslows hiearchy of needs. If you have everything you want, or can at least do anything about, you move onto wishing well for the rest of the universe. You can't tell me this already looks like utopia or heaven to you. *thinks of removable sails for bicycles and combination umbrella windmill battery chargers* *recalls frogs/dragonfly sprinkler purchased for mom for christmas, wonders if that was so smart* Home planning seems to me to be a perfectly fine positive thing to be thinking about. Something productive can come from it. wishes i had a home to be working on *envisions some dream home designs* The concrete stuff you and i think about probably isn't radically different. I've just replaced the silent debates with people with prayers for people. I think of myself as a shepard, not a victim of how society works. and usually more of on a mountaintop or in a cave, than immersed in it at all. When I am (on a purely mundane level), I think of it sort of as a disneyland, and if I have difficulties there , my thoughts drift off right away to how to create a society in which no one suffers from such things. yep, yep, that's what i do.

dang, page up during the highlighting doesn't work in the textbox either. This is really shoddy programming. I'll have to pep into that comment too (presuming she means a new one). I forgot about annodoblivion. can't even recall much about his character. i think we connected in some ways though, whatever they were. i deal with who's present, mostly. if they dissappear, a more evolved clone of them usually steps into their place, and 'we' can continue from there. Righteous, maybe. Puritanical, perhaps even that. Saintly? I think that's the innocent sweethearts trying to cope with a life sex, drugs, and rock & roll, while still being in love with everyone and everything. I think if you put the righteous in this survey, you'd find their minds are quite a mess too. Righteous usually equates to personal issues. the Kristal has spoken. It must be so. *recalls oz and the dark crystal movie* Well, you can type out your body expressions. t's tedious, but that's what I resort to. 20 years ago I was designing text software that used joystick controls to shift color, font, texture, size, etc etc, on a gradual spectrum so that mood, volume, inflection, etc could be expressed as they changed with each letter. Smilies seem to be how it's done now. Wow, I just thought up the coolest invention: a keyboard, arranged in a spectrum of emotions such that all you have to do is hit a control key to drop in a smiley painted on the keys. *feels anther tug at my groin instantly followed by cheers from the party crowd down the building* *flashes on evening with tara* *jots down keyboard idea* wonders if i know anyone at logitech still (not that they weren't just screwy 'talk to our patent lawyer' types.) Not as screwy as the VP of disney studios was though. Bet i could force a heartfelt business deal these days though. *recalls disney calling up not too long ago asking if i could design an entire theme park for them* i wish, just give me einstein accomodations/expectations and i'd be glad to. Did she order [commercial name undisclosed] pizza? *envisions her descriptions* Yeah, that keyboard idea's a winner. I should probably contact compaq/packard-bell though. I/O magic's probably full of koreans that wouldn't be on nearly the same business frequency as me. or better yet, the faces on the letter keys, but colors on the numbr pad. just hit [smiley]-[blue(8)]-[winky face(w)] *reaches into halo area and gets another party cheer*-much better.

recalls meeting with asian automotive execs in dream this morning (followed by identical looking guy waking me up to deliver bicycle motor) Whoops, wrong reply screen. Then think about those things. Be those things and wish them upon others. That's closer to what i've been suggesting. Grumbling about them not being that, or wishing you could, but feeling you are restricted are almost the opposite. Envision tdhe place to be a heaven. Vanquish your doubts and suspicions or they will manifest instead. She might actually get some of that one, at least on some lower pscho-analytical interpretation (like kaleb would)

Yeah, but do you think people are really doing it? I sort of doubt it, unless they really are so devoid reaction to anything they read. I still think they are too timid to expose themselves, though there are a few that find it technically difficult. maybe they newer kept diaries. certainly not drug diarries. too bad i lost my pretty french victorian drug diary. some of those drawings made of text were intense. Yeah, I figured you'd be drained. That's why i asked how's it going. I guess there are only so many people I can commit to recalling how their life affairs are flowing. That's a good thing about remembering things in terms of qualitative conceptual archetype evolutions instead. I can remember more of whats really important. 'get to his brain from behind?' *inflated cheek laugh* inflated cheek laugh? *grins at that too* Sees anonymous comment as apparent nexus for many of us. T in tears, slight milestone rift in the force today. My son's had his first four days of work. He's finding it miserable in exactly the ways I imagined it, knowing him, and having worked in fast-food once myself. Will she alway be broken? She does seem to keep evolving though. This job will help similar to my road trip and stay in the shelter. *imagines being the evil mastermind behind mandys experience* *glad i am not* It can be hard to see beauty without a mirror though. Co-dependency is bad. Loving delight is a good thing. wonders if sound too teacher-disciple talking to her. recalls how i can patch up T's tears and put her on a happy insightful course doing so. Thinking her & V are a bit like Mandy and SB. What's her real name anyhow. Well I always figured it was Sue. Thinks now would be a good time all the times i looked forward to reading more from mandy, but would be way way swamped if typed out impulses in that depth. ..but knows how everyone, myself included, likes to know people are thinking of them. I told you it was a mother theresa job. Nursing is beyond my comfort zone. I'd heavily run the risk of being all their suffering instead of a fountain of loving assistance. Seems to me the only wa it can even be done is with a heart that transcends the personality entirely, immersed in nothing but spirit, and shining down into activities. *flashes on 'better her than me' *sad that such a thought would surface** Yeah, but you read some of the comments, and you realise that the people that probably need my help the most are people so off my wavelength that they se no value in this survey at all. They just don't get it. yeah, fudge them. *good god, where are these thoughts coming from!?* *suspects i'm absorbing their miseries* I know that can happen. Remembers also that i often have such impulses, especially when surprised by any shouts in the neighborhood. *works on turning reactions to reckless neighbor giggling into loving thoughts* *strives to prevent snowball of abstract negative thinking.* As you see, I'm far from a mess too. *returns from making egg sandwich, pondering what sagent advice to offer mandy, and how to easiest prototype the smiley keyboard* *strains for ways of tying that project into a charity fund raiser* glad her heart is blossoming. figures it's cyclic peak much like my own. hope it lasts. figures it will raise her baseline, but she'll probably rise and fall, just like me. Yep, they're all my struggling angels.

'Karma' is the lessons and interactions we go through. They depend on what we've learned at the time, what we think, i should be easy on her .. they are reflections of what we've done and thought, sometimes as the afterflow, and somentimes new opportunities just a step ahead of what we're ready for. 'Darma' is larger than that. It is the entire personality and way of being we will have in this life. Even if your awareness transcends living in the lower mind, the style in which your body and even soul continues to interact with the world will be in accordance to your darma. You can liken it to archetype characters in the movies. You see a personality and just know that they will always deal with things comically or seriously, or attract trauble, or suffer, or whatever. You may not know exactly what details will happen to them, but you get the jist of what role they will have in the movie. If you see a scrap from someones skirt, you can tell a lot if it's electric paisley or farm print butterscotch. On top of that, yes, there are some people that i can visualise in my third eye, and you are one of them. I think it depends an awful lot on if they feel connected to me, much like it takes two people to use a telephone. It's rare I'll know exact details, although there was the time I had a moment of being they when she was pregnant, and maybe a few other detailed connections. I could converse with D on the phone and see right through her eyes though. If I have any attitude about it at all, especially if there is pride (delights ok though) about such gifts, I lose them, and so really I can't go proving anything to anybody unless they have the faith in the first place. A guru's powers, it seems to me with what i've experienced so far, come's from the faith of their followers *recalls how jesus's followers had more faith in his ability to help them after he was slaughttered than he did, and that all he had left was love and sorrow, and a plea for forgiveness before being resurrected* *suddenly thinks whatever else i had in mind saying can't touch the resurrection story* but then i have to say something. If your following my comments (not unlike any other survey i suppose), you'll notice that I've surrendered to being an instrument to helping other peoples karma along. I wouldn't be telling someone about what really happened during the resurrection. That I am telling you, is because this is your karma, within your darma right now. I am something you created in the plot, just as much you are something i created. There's nothing but god here. Keep remembering that, and you'll always stay on course. now of course you could contemplate to realise that that means it doesn't matter what you do or think in the long run, but she's far from ready to be contemplating, satan, eternity, and such. *spots my guest cat, schroedinger jumping in the window* As i've mentioned, you're doing fine already. Keep lightening up, have fun in life, stay curious. You've already made strides out of the cold white x-rays of christian energy towards it's sunny rebirth aspect. That may sound a bit abstract metaphoric for you, but I haven't much better words to put in. I think a good mantra for you would be 'Glory', it's the oppposite of the potato-granite you could also become. That's what i mean by dharma, those options are written in you, you won't as far as i can see ever become a celestial-starry-eyed dizzy type. huh, i taught myself something new here about dharma options. indeed, give gifts and get gifts. I use my god given intuition. That's my dharma, aries/piscies, to forge ahead with intuition, not follow much existing knowledge. tomorrow night on the radio I will probably be hearing a lecture on exactly what i just figured out and taught you. *recalls T's conversation with V about fearing witchcraft.* In my theology class, one of the proofs of evidence of god was 'theosophical evolution', that saints have new inspirations for people to follow. Hope that helps. Love.

*absorbs irenes comment to kaleb without much reaction* wonders why i would email oscar, oh right, if I had insights. *makes sure i have address already* Do you still use Sparticus_d or should I erase that one? It's doubtful I'll email you. For some reason, SC's my habit, and anwering emails seems like work that i sometimes put off for months, seriously, like not getting around to christmas cards. i hope i actually get around to christmas cards this year. If I make them, i'd probably have to start now. it's taken me months and i'm still working on that lettor to D.

No, carrots for cold sandwiches . Aussie burgers have beef, bacon, lettuce, tomato, onion, a slice of pickled beet and a fried egg with mustard and ketchup. No slice of pineapple for the Burger King Aussie burger but the corner fish'n'chip shops will give you one. I hope people like them. Most North Americans can't understand the beetroot thing.

*visualizes crematorium* oh no, plenty of comments, maybe i should wait on this, hop in the shower instead. work on my motor and the garden. I could surely be wrong, but when a gal says she might enjoy getting drunk with you, seems like the sort of thought any burnt blood munching dude who works out might be thinking. Yep, I can imagine the liquor helps with the freedom of expression. A dozen years ago it was the only time i was comfortable really talking, that and being trapped in social situations without a car back to escape into my work. (which is why i see hope for you). Yep I'm enjoying it, sure is a lot of work though. let's see would, i prefer he stay sober, or speak his mind. the latter, unless he's like my bro who can't retain the experience, just as people forget their dreams. Ya, know, it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You could type everything, then paste '[censored]/[undisclosed]' over everything you change your mind obout before hitting submit. I've discovered a couple thoughts i didn't even know i had until i put them in words. *recalls feminine void*. Doesn't every guy who hasn't trained most of it away like I did, flash thoughts about sex given the slightest provocation?

Yeah, I started to have a problem with blackouts when I drink heavily a few years ago. I used to be totally aware of everything all night. On a couple of occasions I have woken up with no memory of anything I did the night before. I don't know if I had a good time or not. This time I did remember because I only drank beer, and only a carton.

Being a guy, and being maily attracted (at least initially) by what I see, I can't understand the bit about sharing a drink with someone I've never seen or even heard. I go for days without thinking about sex then for about 12 hours every 3-5 days it's all I think about. When I was younger I was a real driving force in my life, sort of like a dog who smells a dog in heat and becomes possessed. I don't think women get the same overwhelming drive. Of course, once the sex act is over the drive is gone and sometimes you end up thinking, "what the fudge did I just do?" It's biological. I guess that explains why there's 6.2 billion people around.

What sort of life does she have. oh boy, her life is coming through on the radio, this is not good. Suicidal thinking potential. *reading comment - yep matches the music* I cant blow off this comment. this one really needs help. i'm clueless where to start. *checks phone messages*, huh, that's weird two medical agency calls on a saturday. That EEG was fine. must be appt. rescheduling. wonder if this gal's having medical issues. You are in no position to worry about trying to help someone else. nor should yo be looking for someone to help you through this, not like your doing it, at least. This whole gestalt's messed up. I bet mandy's offered some good advice. She's probably closer to grokking this sort of scene. ok, how to turn what she needs to look for into concrete words? Oh cool, Cher sing tramps and thieves. "preach a little gospel" gotta break out the guitar. *personal mood changes to 'while my guitar gently weeps'* *radio switches to krshna chanting after a moments guitar connection* Wish I could impart this sort of experience to anonymous. You know what, I think you need time out from relationships entirely. Take your kids out to parks. Get involved in some sort of art group or something. Your looking for someone to rescue you from your despair, and that's only going to bring them down and defeat the purpose. Leave relationships alone until you have some new insight about how they should ideally be, and what you need to be to make that happen. In the meantime, explain to your spouse that you need to go through this if you are ever to be a loving partner. 'grim reaper of love' was the title of that thought, i mean song. You're seeking some sort of annihilation or oblivion through your affairs. You need to become someone who loves the things you do. There is no escape from yourself. You try to heal guys because you are in need of fixing. The guy's are only a reflection of who you are. No matter what you do to the mirror, nothing changes. You don't have an easy time ahead of you, you have some major breakthroughs to make, but don't be fatalistic about it. Feel a smile and know that you are open to sunny insights that are coming your way. You will be in love with life, and then your relationships will fit into that. I suspect you had kids earlier than you planned on, possibly hoping that that would make your life work out. Don't take stabs in the dark. Wait for the answers that feel warm and right in you heart. Throw flowers in your baths. [undisclosed totally elsewhere thought from radio] You're not going to be open to answers while wallowing in depression or despair. *yawn - 4am is being felt* I wish you the best. Keep in touch.

No, no, no. There were sort of two topics going on there at once. One was what to think if you're going to bother thinking, but the other, and in your case, i think more important case, is that thinking in general means you are in your head, and not in the world experiencing things. You're probably thinking so what. No one misses my point as much as her. It borders on slapstick comedy, like 'who's on first'. I'm not really saying to trip on everything you see right or wrong and seemingly trivial around you, but something closer to heaven or satori, where everything coming into your senses is both unprocessed, and 'Beautiful'. That we need to think even to do algebra is an illusion. Our bodies will go through the motions even when we are on a higher plain. This is futile, getting through to her. Say, Joalis, has anything i ever said to you given you insight that changed your life. I know you keep asking me stuff, but I'm not sure i've seen even a bit of it kick in. I'm wondering if we're in a rut even. I keep hearing you say the same stuff; if you keep hearing me say the same stuff, we really need to move on. If it seems like i'm saying new things to you, then you probably are gleaning something from what i've got to say. *recalls 'Im trying' comment* *wishes i get a chance to see that video before turning it in, recalls sundays are always busy days on SC, remembers this was only saturday.* This music is awesome. This chick, Kristal-Ann has a radio show that plays surf rock, 'light my fire' done with citars and tambouras, etc. She's like one of my altar beings out on the planet, tending to things I don't have time for. *reads comment on hints. nearly throws hands in air* This really is hopeless. Again, I might as well be talking with a martian about how people enjoying going to the beach on a summer day. You're still talking about exhibiting exactly the same attitude I tell you they will react against. Even saying "I don't want to sound picky" or "I don't mean to be petty..."? indicates the thoughts occurred to you, and that you are on the other side of a glass wall, not really their neighbor. If someone had a glowing smile, you should know it. Be 'them', like you are talking to your arm, or the mirror she's not going to get this either. Let's give this one last shot. Treat them - no i take that back 'treat them' is a term that surfaced because of your vibes in this conversation. It belongs to your paradigm. 'BE' one in heart and mind with them, and only use the words because it's as if part of you is a bit lost, it feels the glowing heart, but missed the part about how the dog barking is an issue. The problem here is that you are oblivious of the common spirit. I can't explain it metaphors or anything or build on your existing knowledge of it, because you have just about none. Ok, here's one, who knows if she's even had this experience think of the vibes exchanged when a complete stranger with a glowing smile does you a favor, like offers to let you ahead in line at the grocery, even though they nearly have as many groceries, and picked up on you chatting on your cell phone about you being in a rush to help out at someone birthday party (or better yet, just 'knew' you had such a thing to hurry off to). Report back to me on everything you misunderstood. Why do i bother? *does the befuddled look up to god look* enjoys song 'she's a knock out, whoo hoo hoo'.

*sad grimace* Yep, just like my brothers drinking memory. hopes he doesn't visit that experience much anymore. *thinks of rutting season* Huh, that might resemble my own sexuality a bit. I'll have to pay attention if it's cyclical at all. It seems though that sometimes I have complete lulls for nearly a month or two, and at times have a solid month of sexual interest. to self - don't go mapping out another aspect of your life, you have enough such squirrely self-inquiry obsessions. Yay, done, think I'll watch that video now.

Just for authenticity;
Is the onion chopped finely like MacDonald's Big Mac or is it a slice?
A sesame seed bun? Must, surely, be a bigger bun than one just for an ordinary burger?
Is the yellow of the egg cooked or runny?

Be sure that I'll give you the reactions after I serve 'em!

I have to stop reading stuff in this survey...it's depressing I can't wait to go camping *looks outside and sighs*, seems as though summer is try to pass us by. Why do I have the blues now? I had a great time with my SO yesterday *drool* it must be this page... Is it my time of the month? Naw, that only makes me horny (to Ben's great delight) Ha! That would explain yesterday though! *brightens up a little*
I think I'll go see what Ben is up to!

OK, I don't see how or why it should be neccessary to 'be one' with people or have some common spirit thing going *as long as you are sincere and polite.* I have never dismissed a *reasonable* request of a person if they are being nice about it. I've never had this feeling they didn't care or weren't in tune or whatever. If my neighbor came to the door and *nicely* asked me to turn the stereo down (only example I could think of, I don't like loud music) I would happilly turn it down for them, even if I recieved no sense of one-ness with them. So I turn around and try to get people to act reasonably and I get met with all kinds of resistance. If I can recognise sincerety without one-ness in heart and mind, why can't other people?

I happen to prefer thinking and being in my own head than to notice stuff around me. Let's say I'm in a mall. My experience at the mall would be mostly thinking as I walk past stores and people, and every once in a while I would see something I like, and I would stop thinking and start observing. So If you were to ask me "How was your trip to the mall?" I might say "I saw this really cool bag I liked with purple designs and it snapped together at the top... and there was this shirt with sailboats on it.... we stopped for ice cream..." while other people would describe how the cinnamon roll place smelled (even though they never stopped for a roll), all their interactions with other people, what the janitor was doing, everything they saw, heard, smelled, tasted that interested them. I wouldn't remember half the things I saw because I really wasn't paying attention. Is that what you mean by 'missing out'? I don't think it's missing out at all. I still smell the cinnamon rolls, I just don't take much notice of it. I wonder if people who can't just sit and think about life and situations and things aren't missing out?

I had a guitar, an acoustic one a few years ago. It went out of tune and I don't have enough music in me to retune it. I just gave it to my brother - he's in a band. I'm back in the kitchen and people are walking through. What's dad doing? Oh, he's gone. I can hear Andromeda in the background, my mum's watching it while she irons. Who was that who just walked through?? Dad's back, getting a drink.

The Stanford Scale? I mentioned it yesterday..... I don't remember what it is though. Ah! Hypnotism. I hate that feather duster, it's all cobwebby. I'm not a spider fan. Tip-tapping like an eight-legged ballerina. I wrote that in an exam a couple of years ago. I still remember. It's strange.

I'm very lazy, can't seem to snap myself together sometimes. The toothpaste's still on teh floor. I forgot about it again. Tacky lino on the bathroom floor. Our bathroom's bright orange, it;s really ugly. Like a public toilet except tackier.

I make lists of what I should do. Revision lists Then I get (I am) really stressed about being behind. I should be further on. I actually should be further on. Should that be farther? Father. Dad. They don't mean the same thing. Some people think they do but tehy don't. I hope he doesn't walk in and see that. See I do care a bit. Why?

What do I mean by consciousness? Umm. I don't know. I forget what context I used it in before. this survey reminds me of a film. Memento. It has a voice-over that's a bit like this, just thoughts as they come bubbling up. I have some bubble liquid over there somewhere. I'm a child

Pigs are a good way of getting rid of dead bodies. There goes the evil planning streak again I like to think how to commit the perfect murder. It would be somebody chosen completely at random - absolutely no link between us. Get on a random train to a random place and get off at a random station.

Music again? I don't getit. I wonder why not. My friend (friend?) said that was weird. Hmmm. He hasn't emailed me back.....Juggling probably. *He's* weird. My (other) friend said he was up himself. I kind of agree.

I shocked Kristal? I hope not. Jaws dropping. I don't shock people enough. Too dependable I suppose. Is it a virtue? It could be a fault. Maybe only if you're dependable to a fault. I like to be there. I'm not so keen on the idea of always being what people expect. I like surprising people. I like surprising myself. It's all about learning who we are. Who are you?

I sometimes wonder what would have happened if Hitler had died before he invaded the Sudetanland. I think I spelled that wrong. A great leader. I think he's have been remembered as the greatest European leader ever. He did great things. Is the Holocaust great? Not good. Not that. But great? There's a difference between great and good. Like the WTC, that was a great act. That greatest terrorisdt act survey, people got upset at seeing it described as great. I don't like to upset people.

Grape and avocado for me. Nothing else seems like SC. Not that the essence of this place is the colour scheme or even the design. It's the intent and the people. But still grape and avocado are the ones I stick with. I think Dino said the same - this sceme just seems to be SC>

That's what I was worried about - other people using it. There were two ways, I'm surprised no-one else has come across it before. What's Kristal's email address? can't be hard to find. She once told someone that it was easy if you searched for the @ symbol. I tried to find Brian's that way. Not BrianW but Brian. I miss him. I wonder if he was part of the phoebe/aaron thing. I hope not. He seemed very real. If he was real I hope he's okay. There were some problems I think with him and katya......

I wonder whta she's referring to now. Should I scroll up and reread my commment. That would confuse me even more. i just spelled comment with three ms. That's not right. I'm having too many thoughts at once! Overload. overload!!! That ugly tablecloth's still there......

Manx cats? Tails comes o mind. Why? Are they the ones that don't have them. Manky, mingy, yucky, icky, bleah! All the same. Bleah's from peanuts. Good ol' Charlie Brown. Linus was my favourite, but Lucy. I have a lot of Lucy in me. So say my brothers anyway. Scornful sometimes.

My - what was that? The computer just made a noise......Egads! I'd best not break him computer!!! What was I thinking before? Um.....oh yes, my hair. it used to be short like a boy's and everyone thought that I was one. A boy. I wonder if that's why I let it grow. I don't remember. I look like a woman now, they wouldn't confuse me over short hair! Unless they had very poor sight!!!

My brother's skull's a starnge shape. He may be an alien. It wasn't a forceps delivery either. He just has a big ridge down the middle - liek a bone mohican. David baeckham style. Like a Minbari. Babylon 5! It's been so long since I saw any of that. I have all those videos upstairs just waiting to be watched. Seen them before but I can lose myself in it. Ah, there's the Stanford scale again.

Weird. You make me think that then you mention sci-fi.........I'd best make sure there aren't any cameras here. That suerprised me! I like being surprised

Poor friend T I hope it wasn't because she got stood up. Poor Kristal. Distracted rightly. I'm distracted now. I can hear Andromeda. She'll be back. Okay I hope.

I really do need to transcend the emotion of it all without becoming emotionless like the others I see around me at work. They tend to these folks like they are changing lightbulbs or washing dishes. I want to be them...heal them...fix it...and I know I cannot. That is the danger. I have to rise above the instinct to love them all with all my heart and become a caregiver not a rescuer. I dream of setting them all free only to watch them all toddle out into the road and get smushed. They are so much safer in captivity. mantras....I must concentrate on my mantras.....I have no problem being patient with them...it's the others that offend me ...the nurse...the workers who smoke and laugh and ignore ....I want to knock their heads together....chickens! Try a little tenderness. Stupid low class doges. And they talk down to me, when I have self educated myself beyond what they even care to see. So remind myself constantly...I am here for the residents.....I am here for them..not for money...not for recognition...for them.....I must keep a level head about all this....I've given myself until the end of the month and if I still get all emotional and dopey and scatterbrained after work then, I'm looking for something else. Don't care to my own destruction, don't love and leave myself behind....
I do tend to rise and fall like you..my mother says I'm a grasshopper....better than standing still, isn't it beautiful gurl?

Women do have those same overwhelming drives. You better believe it. We are just highly trained that that isn't what *nice* gurls think about let alone act on. If I had acted on each one I've felt the last couple of years I'd be fully punished. I'm sure. and alone.....My 35 year old body and mind is way too preoccupied with thoughts of fudging men. I am sure it is fully biological so I can forgive myself those constant thoughts. And babies...I want to smell their little heads....tick tock tick tock tick tick...would someone please stop winding me up let it run down....make it stop

The TV is too loud. Sometimes it would be cool to have no phone, no TV, and a locked gate at the end of the driveway, with the buzzer there. Then no one can knock on the door or call me. I can disable the doorbell when I want silence. Everyone should have the pleasure of silence at home, so that when they go out in public, excess noise wont bother them. Home should be a retreat. The TV shouldn't go over the volume standard set by the most noise-bothered person in the house. I just distracted myself with that thought. Oh, public should be noisy because people who like quiet sometimes ONLY get silence when they are home. So home is the place reserved for quiet. When I want to make noise, I sometimes wait til I'm out, where theres already noise going on. (Sometimes I make noise at home) But usually I like the quiet. Then people get all weird about people in public making 'too much noise' well what do you expect when you go out? All the peace and serenety of a church or library? I sometimes do this stomp-clap thing where I stomp my feet and clap in a certain pattern as I walk. Boom clap boom clap boom clap clap. It's LOUD. I only do that at home, or when I am outdoors. One of these days I may get the urge to do it indoors in public, and what are people going to say? I hope no one will mind....
...No one will mind. They will get a kick out of it and some may join in. I've been this hopeful before and been horribly disappointed. Maybe that's why I lost that hopefulness. I always hope that people will empathise and know what I'm doing. One time I saw this kid on the public bus. She got on ahead of her mom, and was making *obvious* gestures (have I told this story before?) that indicated she was deciding on a seat. She must have been about 8. She had her hand on her chin, and was looking around in a most obvious contemplative decision making fashion. It was an incredibly short pause. The bus had barely got moving, when her mom got behind her and pretty much tossed her into a seat. NO recognition for the fact she was thinking. That's another thing I notice. When people don't recognise others motives. When I see a kid doing something very inventive and creative, but unsafe, I acknowledge their inginuity and fun while going on about how unsafe it is. Some people only see their own inconveniences, they think nothing of other people's situations. I rant. Every time I get hopeful and positive, it always turns into a rant. Dang. I don't do it on purpose. Lemme get hopeful again. I hope that when I stop to look at a building that reminds me of someone, people consider the fact I am there for a legitimate reason, and not try to push me along and get me out from in front of the place. I hope that when I stomp-clap, people join in or at least empathise with the fun of it. I hope that when I roll snowballs and set them in a big row, that people recognise that I'm leaving them there for kids to find. I hope that when I walk through a door without noticing others waiting to get through, that I'm thinking about something and I'm not trying to be selfish or rude. I want the whole world to operate on a relaxed fun mode when relating to others of that nature, and save the responsible serious mode only for situations that warrent it, like working.

Woah, this page takes a long time to load. My pan's not boiling. I'm hungry.......

I don't think the female drive is even half as strong as a man's. You may be an exception, but for the most part, in my experience, it isn't near as hard for a woman to abstain. It isn't near as tempting. Women think about it, we do have sex drives, but men think about it a LOT more. It's nothing to do with 'nice girls are taught not to think about it' and more to do with nature.

So, what your saying is, I am an exceptional woman? She loves to play devil's advocate....
I wouldn't go so far as to say it has *nothing* to do with how women are raised. Nature AND nurture shape us. How does it serve nature to have women's sex drives be so different from men's?

I let sparticus_d close intentionally. Now I used sparticus_d2.

YES you are exceptional! There might be something having to do with the way women are raised, but not much. I'm not sure why men's drives are so much stronger. I don't know how it serves nature, but it's been my observation and experience that women in general have lower sex drives than men.

I'm thinking of camping too. T brought up the offer. Too bad it was because she wanted a reaction from V. I really wanted to go. I suggested we go visit DabP~ at the baloon festival. Oh, I don't feel like getting into motion today. It's almost sunset and I just woke up. It will be dark before I even have achance to see if that motor works. I'm going to have to stay up alll night to make my appt. tomorrow. Her relationship life is sure less of a mess than mine.

dammit, the reply screen emptied; that's what i get for operating on a tired empty mind and, and what? and wonderingif i should reply in survey order order instead of reply order. it could be a sign to go do my day things while there's just a touch of day left. That takes discipline. guess i should though. think i'll have just one more coffee though. Eggs, pineapple. 'then i'm going to kiss your pineapple' (various other pineapple memories) I woke up with slight blues too. *Cat meow's* ok, make coffee. what's he want? oup, just a 'suishy fish dish wishin' kitten'. i just poured some coffee? didn't i? let's check, or top it off. yay, a biggles comment. oh no, a joalis comment. i think i'll suggest we drop it. till nov. maybe.

ok, that's not as bad as i thought she was leading ip too. Sincere 'sweetness' is pretty darn close to oneness. I wasn't asking that you be in a telepathic bond with them, just act as if you were, like being soul mates. no comments on the glass wall comment, maybe she actually did get it. People are much friendlier if thef melieve you are on their side, even if the details are on your behalf. Treat others as having disputes with loved ones (like your kids) gack, she probably thinks of them as strangers too. My telepathic bond with my kids would me too weird for her, just as it is with T. What a foreign understanding they have on family on relatives compared to mine. Maybe it's an irish thing. I doubt it. what was that blurb I was thinking for her? oh no, rehearsing, just like she's been talking about. maybe i'll skip it, just to make a point, no i recall, it was worth saying. No, you don't have to experience oneness with others, but you don't have to learn to drive, experience soaking in the sun, singing, or many other things either. But life's better if you can. There, I said it. I suppose it (absorbing the world) depends on whethar whethar or not your thoughts are a rat maze that get's nowhere. Consider the extremes possibly, living in a dark closet with only your thoughts, or mindlessly touring the planet - which would have been more satisfying when this lifetime was over. Really that's a good question to base your life on, if you ever had a near death experience, and start to consider what you're going to miss; for me it was all the love i shared with others. The time in my head spent inventing things didn't matter so much. Usually it's more important to me that i connected with a sales person, than that we finished the transaction and i brought home some object. I mean sure, the physical stuff is necessary for life to go on, but it's not where i want my being centered. You're still carrying on in pure dialogue. Ya sure you don't have any other thoughts or reactions to what i'm saying brewing? I mean your comments look the same as if they happened i any other survey.

Today I asked if there was room under the gazebo for us to use a table. A lady at the party there said "We have a permit, we kinda want to use this other area too (motioning to a big area and more tables outside the gazebo) because we have 100 people coming. Thats why we got the permit" It sounded like she was getting defensive and terretorial, like she was annoyed that I should even ask if theres room. I have obtained a permit before, and it doesn't entitle you to every table in the park, just to the gazebo. There was an extra table we used, so it was no big deal, but I wonder why she ended up being that way when all I did was ask, nicely. I guess there are just some people who recieve others bad no matter how sweet you are. Later I joked to other people (not where she could hear) That I thought she was going to lift her leg and pee on it. I have to use humor after situations like that.
My thoughts arent like a rat maze that goes nowhere. I don't expect anything to come of them, I'm totally comfortable with them. I don't spend an incredible amount of time absorbed in my own thoughts, just more than most people. I do think a lot of people don't spend near enough time thinking, and I'd rather be around a person who thinks too much than someone who doesn't think enough. Gosh, no. I don't know of any thoughts that are brewing. I guess I don't understand about how sentiment rules with other people, and how people recieve me different, depending on the thoughts behind what I say or do. I'm not sure how being silly or doing anything else will be recieved better if I imagine people will recieve it well, and if I expect resistance, thats what I will get. I don't see how it could possibly work that way. It's never worked that way for me. I used to expect that people would just accept and empathise with what I'm doing or saying, but I was WAY wrong. Now I expect the total opposite.
No other thoughts brewing, but I have known the oneness state before, and it really didn't feel very special or anything. It felt like I was the only one in the room carrying that vibe, and it seemed kind of silly.

No, I don't think of my kids as strangers. Why would I? I only think of strangers as strangers. You should see how I am with my kids. I love them. Always giving them kisses and hugs, and playing with them. They are both so cute!!
You should also see some of the poems I write. Total opposite sentiment than what you read here on SC, you wouldn't believe it was written by me. I can relate to some of the stuff you are saying, but not all of it. I think there are times to be detatched and selfish, depending on how you feel. There are times I feel closer to strangers, and times I am more distant. I choose not to be 'nearer' or warmer all the time. it's nearly impossible (if not completely impossible) to maintain, and most of the time I prefer distance.
Subltle attitude is another thing altogether. It's hard to explain the states I get into there. I stand on such a thin line between good and bad attitude sometimes, other people can't tell where I am.

Oh, what a shame. I sucked my first time learning guitar too. To tune, all you have to do in make the fifth fret match the next higher string. Wait does that apply to a six string? aren't the last strings tuned in fifths or something? *recalls associating big~'s with joan of arc on tonights movie cutting her hair.* *ignores 'hor' typo* Didn't realise she lives with her parents. the brother should have been a clue though. Ha, doesn't recall what it is, well now that's useless then isn't it? i just dusted my guitar (and vacuumed) *wishes cat safety* *spider thought* She's probably going to be the last one to comment on this survey. (besides me). toothpaste tale, ha. I've boon in quite the bright orange mood lately (nails, lips, blouses). can't say i've ever seen it used in a bathroom though. Wonders if french and english still seperate baths and toilets. hmm.. never thought of that. i need to look them up. (in my 1932 dictionary). first word spotted is 'orange'. *sees plenty of words that relate to movie i just watched and some other thoughts* further = vt or implication of remoteness, ok. I suffer with my lists too. Straighteneng my notes is on my agenda tonight. i -should finish the jar sorting first. i should watch the video too which reminds me of T. Oh hey, she's mentioning one of the other main movies that reminds me of T. Yechh. What got her thinking of that? *recalls recollection of stereotype of british 'pigs' during movie just recently* Oh no - murder plans. Music? Juggling? Up? What the heck is she talking about? *recollects taste of spumanti from two nights ago* *occurs to me that i've slipped into lower sleeping consiousness* *heightens awareness* Is she asking me who I am? A person, a saint, an angel? Who knows, depends on the context and the plane of consciousness. Besides, at least i'm broadcasting the majority of my thoughts here. just not the ones too fast, too subtle, or way irrelevant to much of anything. Well, the WTC certainly was significant. Not sure who has mundane credit for it (suspect bush), but see history needed this pivotal eye opener at this juncture no matter what was physically behind it happening. arafat, hussein. They're getting their pipeline through afghanistan (and bosnia/kosovo too?). Does no one see a relationship here? *cuts safety off a broken lighter to light with another lighter* *admires green color* I have quite a collection of lighters. Like everything else in my home, thef all represent moods, states of being, places, events, etc. I think of my home as sort of a nexus between the concrete and the spiritual. *recalls again how poorly prayers ended up in wtc, and the white cloud being that followed for months afterwards* Remembers similarity between, self, hitler, and disney. glances at thought 'farther' down that she might actually ask who i am. *flashes on how D2 is grape and walnut & T has avocado, recall mandys grape mac* Almost repelled. how dark cartoony. recalls i'm light vibrant cartoony. glad i'm not business gray-blues. I think the colors reflect your take on SC. I'm sure some folks take a more business, video game, or washed away take on their interaction here. *again relates stolen identity to that warning that attachment viruses were sent from my computer* i wonder if some part of my spirit wanted to send viruses. *steers away from thinking of it in conspiracy terms* kristal_phoenix@msn.com . No, brian was too real. He had a very unique and consistent view on life. I miss him too. *recalls how i taught Brian to manifest birds at his window to wake him. considers mentorship generally a success.* T sure had ugly tastes in table cloths (consistent motif at least, and reasonable within that motif). She'd love to see mom's place. *halucinates smell of strawberry shortcake for some reason* Lucy, how charming. relates only to how valentines episode of the crush on the red headed girl reflected just what i was going through in second grade with L. I didn't know to see the connections back then. I didn't latch entirely on to karma until that severe poison oak from digging the pit trap at the beach as a teen. good grief, son L's almost leaving home. hmm.. 'scornful' manifested as computer glitch? Yay, she's a woman. , alien. Good, you're being swept into synchronicity. I hope you see it all round you, all the time. My friend T her lesbian lover for the truth, and didn't like what she was told (that she really was having an affair), and yet still has no trust, even though V came clean. I understand some of where V's coming from. I'm not allowed to do more than hint about some of the things I think about T. The real mess is it's a parallel reality thing. When T explains her grievances against V, I see in them the same reasons why T and I aren't in an official relationship. *imagines you actually tuned into andromeda. thinks i should do more of those sorts of meditations learning the tones of the planets and such.* Catch ya later. Dang, i'm hungry.

Yep, that is the concern I had. It would take a superhuman to not go numb. Perhaps such a job should be done as seasonal employment. *chuckles at smush comment* Robin William's patch movie relates to what you are going through. put joan of arc on movie review list. Hopefully coffe and a smoke will hold me over till these these falafel-cashew-poppy-coconut burgers are ready to fry. *recalls 'perils of penelope' cartoon* Ask if they once cared. You might got a frightening story, and then again, maybe they just ended up there because it was one of those crap jobs. 'Always' (here i go again playing the part of mandy's sage) remember to see what's gone on in the history and perspective of others. Think of my dialogue with J. Forgive them, they can not see or feel. *starts to think, yeah, maybe they were slack in following their conscience.* We bear a lot of the burden. Hopefully others will take our example. that's all we can hope for. You know, I had my my best gifts when I actually did let my angelic pride sink in with a bit of impishness. *recalls starry dazzling sensation of flying around the planet to 'she's so high above me' song when deciding to be SC's psychic angel*. *recalls eternal beach trip after 72 hour psychic SC marathon* *wonders to what extent you will fill my shoes* *wonders to what extent you are aware i have been cultivating you since before you woke up* *ponders what my teachers must have been thinking* *relates grasshopper to C and Kung Fu, recalls that step-dad was my first teacher* *digs 'beautiful gurl' reference, misses feeling that way* *observes thankfully that your intuition is ahead of what i was just saying*

I recall how sexuality used to plague me during my early spirit years. I tried not to think about sex, and yet i was constantly faced with sexy gals spreading their legs to reveal ripped crotches in their stockings and such. I was considering dating one gal, and everytime I had majorly sexual urges or maturbation fantasies, there would be an earthquake aftershock. The ('92) quake itself, happened an hour & 1/2 after giving up my search for god thinking what's the worst that can happen, the world will end? On the other hand, anytime I'm in public and have a sexual thought since my awakening, I hear laughter from someone. I had the thought way back then, that I if I were true to nothing but god, i could just drop to the floor with any gorgeous woman at a dance without a word. A year or two ago, i basically proved it to myself. i know i've told this tale many times. wonder why i even brought it up? What was that virus intrusion about just now?

She has so little peace in her life. these falafels soaked way too much oil. Have you ever tried meditation? Wonders if that would open her mind to seeing new things/ways. They might look at you quizzically as they might look at homeless person. Some probably would be amused and silently congratulate you, others would wonder what on earth drives you to do such a thing. .. and the reaction will depend on the circumference of your being, and what you expect. *realizes nothing significant's hapeeneing at SC because I never prayed changes into being* It's sweet you noticed. Her mom may have noticed too but thought that the daughter would take too long for the collective interest of the bus. Ow, what's this sharp head pain about? oh, falafels need turned and I should have replied sweeter regarding the bus thing. *also relates tale to pushing joalis along* 'roll snowballs'- i need to check those falafels again. That's pretty awesome, leaving snowballs for kids. what an unusual silly imp. didn't realise she had this sweet impy side. How could you not know whethar or not you were being rude? If your obliviousness is getting in the way of others, and you can change that, but choose not to, then you are boing rude. Obliviousness is not rudeness in itself. It's only inconsiderate, if you're at least aware someone else is there. I still find it hard to believe someone worries so much about street protocol. I hold the door for folks often, and zip through with a thank you when someone else is holding the door, but I almost never give it more than the slightest flash of thought. the closest to it is wondering how long to hold the door open when someones meandering towards it. I imagine quite a few subtle parameters are being calculated, like their attitude, my rush, etc., but really it's mostly an intuitive decision. Aghh, I burnt the deep fry oil. I guess your hopes for playfulness are a bit like my hopes for interconnectedness. Keep up the good fight. Saint Joalis. The patron saint of snowball fights

hmm.. B's frying too. Yeah, i'm pretty sure you're right on that. I have psychically sensed the agressive feminine sex urge, but i don't think it's entirely common as the passive romantic stimulation type. *blurts swear phrase at someone in my head* (doesn't mean it of course, more like some weird thought that movie scripts are inspired by.)

I am missing out on a whole bunch of good surveys during this. Why did they have to show up now? The curse of parallellism, i suppose. That's caused me so much agony and paradox. I'm pretty sure you are exceptional in that respect, not on the fringe, just not in the majority. 'Why' is a worthy contemplation, probably something i've thought about a lot already. No, I think I stuck to the 'what', and not the 'why'. It's not really my area though, *siren appears* oh crap, i left those falafels in the fryer. Apparntly i strayed off course thinking in terms of sex angels, and who's job is who's. *recalls job* dare i say.. [CT]. thankfully that's not in the 'siren' arena, funny that T is. Father knows best. Hope i'm not up for a crash in a couple years. wishes i kept M ... ... *recalls Beach Boys (my first album) singing 'Hush-a-bye', and little honda (relating to the moded i'm making). Sure it was an ad, even back then.*

I don't know, sounds kinda weird to me, like stepping into some elses wedding reception and asking if you can try some of the hors d'oeuvres. I'm not sure of the geography of the situation, but it seems to me you were either asking to join someone elses party, or make some little weird island in the middle of it that would confuse the others there. Not that I think ideally they should care who they fraternize with, but that you would be throwing someone for a loop when they walk up to you and ask something like 'do you know the bride?', or 'what department do you work in?'. This is insane. How can a person have this much of this sort of situation to get involved in? It's a subtlety of 'expect' which goes beyond social statistical probability and more into 'faith'. When i say 'expectations', don't take it to mean some analysis or calculation, but what you really believe/feel would/could happen. You're right, the lower ego actually does usually get the opposite of what it expects. It is not in harmony with the one script being written for everything. It's job practically 'is' to be confounded by things. It's not what you 'insist' must be the way of the world, but what you 'know' is after you remove the chatter of the mind. The mind is one of the biggest illusions of all. It thinks it's doing all this stuff, when it's really just along for the ride.
I think you're talking about a different 'oneness vibe than i am' and i have feeling what it is, if so, it's no good, it's somenting you will need to experience a 100 times stronger like you're controlling every particle of existence, then shatter with your heart. or maybe you're thinking of that cold vampire glass underworld of solitariness in a unified field reality, again, a bad trip. No, the one I'm talking about, you know you're not alone in, because you don't even have to talk in complete sentences, because everyone's in partial telepathic union with you. *hgarbage truck which has set off car alarm - thinks alarm into being off.* I don't mean oneness with matter, i mean like everyone is sharing the same thoughts.
hmm this is good, i'm finally seeing some of the warmer human side of her. why couldn't she have just presented that in the first place? Perhaps that had to happen in time after letting her win one (see her virtue), as the patron saint of snowball fights. and then of course i realise that she polarises against my stance to the degree i polorise against hers, nothing new there. i guess i must surrender to accept chaos in this existence.

Kiss and hug Dadprovin for me when you see her!

wonder if i should make anything of the mispelling. Yeah, I will. Hopefully she made it out to the balloon festival. I won't see her till the aloha festival. imagines irene drunk in a ditch.

Wouldn't Kristal like to know.... I was a teenager - they can sleep anywhere!!

This is a hard thing to explain without revealing who I am- which I do not want to do. I cannot actually fix my SO and I know that in my heart. I am just craving tenderness and affection, adoration that I have found in another. That is why I crave him so much...
It really is not all that complicated but I know I must 'crap or get off the pot', so to speak. It is just going to take some time to sort it all out in my head.

I have had a permit for a gazebo before, and my party was tiny. Someone came along and asked if there was room and I said we have a permit, but there's plenty of room. Yesterday, I didn't realize their party was going to be so big. The gazebo was huge, with lots of tables, and some were covered, with nothing on them. I thought there might be room for them to share the gazebo. I didn't want to have their food, crash their party or anything, I just wanted a picnic table in there for in case it rained. We took one outside and it didn't rain. It turns out their party was huge. I just think she could have been nicer about it.
I'll have to get back to you on the rest. I have to wake up the kidlets. *leaving some snowballs for K_R*

Make the strings match? Pah! No chnace here!!! I don't have an ear for music. My fingers look a funny colout tapping away........ Why did I just use so many little dots. There's a skateboarder going by. My mind's not very focused. I was just revising. Actually more like cramming. Kuhn, Popper, realism, interpretavists, post-modernism, Comte, ick Sociology! Can't wait to be rid of it. I looked forward to giving up music too, I was never keen. But I enjoyed being in the school choir. We were one of the best around. For the type of music we did anyway. Our music teacher (there was just the one) was voted the best in the country. Flawed poll though - telephone votes. How did the voters know. I didn't like him much. He had that daft hair when he first came and all the girls in the upper years fancied him. He looked like a mad composer. I preferrred the old (ineffectual) one.

Goodness, my typos. That must have been an especially bad one if she actually commented on it. There are so many......Maybe I should type then correct it. But then I'd carry on having thoughts that should go down and I'd get all confused. Not that that's a new thing, me being confused. Woah, feeling connected now. To the mouse, the mouse is theer, I want to hold it. Why? Oh, my younger brother's home. I think? Yes. He's just had exmas. We're all being examined. Cruel education system, it akes you tired and it wears you down. Year after year after year - exams. I hate them.

Is she mocking me? Is that sarcasm? That's useless she says. Biting, ouch. Or was it. It's hard to know. Scroll up and look again. Easy to misinterpret. My mind's a junkyard escpecially when I'm revising. I forget a lot of things, they get stored away to reappear another day.....They just burst out of me when I least expect it. Alien

Cat safety? My mum hates them, she throws things ta them because they poo in teh garden. Grotty things. Not like Bianca, she was a nice cat. White. Red collar. She felt liek mine but she wasn't. She belonged to the old man across the street then he moved and he took her away from me. But she felt liek my cat. I missed her for a long time. She used to come and play with me. Sit outside the door, mewing until I went out to play. But sometimes I'd go out and she;d be scornful and pretend she just so happened to be there, she didn't want me really. She'sd go stalking off around the garden and pretend. What do I mean? A cat knowing, a cat pretending? That was what it was inside my head back then. It was a long time ago really.
My thoughts on this survey are getting littered with my noet disconnecting. I need a new internet provider.

An orange blouse? Sounds pretty hideous! She probably doesn't mean the waful orange in the bathroom though - a lot of oranges are nice. But the bathroom orange? Yuck! It's almost day-glo. Horrid!

I can't imagine a bath and toilet that aren't split up. Now I see it! A bath tub with a toilet seat at one end. Not what she means I don't think. I've never been in a bathroom that didn't have a toilet in too. But some people have toilets without baths/showers. My grandparenst have a downstairs toilet. It's cold in there - plastered walls and tiles cold to the feet. The toilet brush at the back in the corner. I trust it more, it never gets blocked......

Intrigued by idea of jat sorting. I wonder if Kristal has a scrapbook full of photographs of jars! Doesn't seem quite the type. Bus spotter? Nah!

I made her yecch? Not a good sign......What film was I talking about? Ah Memento. Just loved that film. It was cool. Remember sammy Jenkis....

What the heck was I talking about? Music and juggling? Must be A. Using Kristal's method of anonymity - cool.

Ouch, why does my stomach feel like that? have I eaten something I shouldn't have? Soft-boiled eggs and soldiers, toast and lemon curd. Lots of water. Ouch. It'll pass. Oh no, I've lost what she was saying. The words are there, but not me.....

Disney and Hitler and interesting combination. But why not, if you take the best from both. Wasn't Disney a fascist too, or am I getting confused with The Simpsons (Itchy and Scratcy Land)?

I wonder what my colours on SC say? That I like the status qho - things should be left as they are? When I'm familiar with something it shouldn't chnage? That I see it as a irrelevant. I could change it, but I don't want to. It feels safe I suppose. Cocooned. Sliky threads wrapping around me. Delenn in Babylon 5. Metamorphosis. Kafka. The mind works in mysterious ways. Or is that God? Maybe they're the same thing

I'm glad she believes Brian was real too. I'm glad she misses him. Not just me who feels like that. I wish he'd come back just to say goodbye. He just went, that's why it's so bad. At least Maarten kind of said goodbye. I hate not being able to say goodbye. I missed saying goodbye to my closest friends on the last day of school. I'll see them again but there;s something important about leaving, you move on and you have to acknmowledge that. I hope I'm not confusing her using you when I mean I. I really hate to use "one" instead. It makes me seem posh and southern. I fight that, I hate my accent. Far too southern, far too posh. My mum's fault. No, not fault but I almost blame her. But she's a southerner, she can't help it.

Mmm, strawberry shortcake, I could just eat some of that. There was a My Little Pony comic that I used to get, that had stories about a girl (fairy?) called Strawberry Shortcake. She lost her wand and didn't know where to find it again. I wonder why I remembered that all of a sudden. I must have read that when I was about 5 or 6.......

Poison oak. Like the poison tree. Great poem. William Blake I think. I can't remember how it goes.......

It goes. I go. Brown spectacles. I'm gone.

I did decide that I would try not to drink to the extent that I used to especially since there seems to be no point if I can't remember what I do and how much fun I have. I decided to go with pharmies since there is no hangover, bloating or excessive urination. I also like inhaling little cream bulbs for whipped cream thru a soda syphon. the propellant is nitrous oxide