The Psychiatrist is in. 5¢

ok

I miss my ex-boss.

everything the same everything the same everything the same, punctuated by moments of terror, illegal activities, eating Twinkies, everything the same, everything the same, why is living so important?

variety is the spice of life... punctuate more, with more stuff. go to a sea life aquarium, climb a tree, shop at an outdoor market, take a train out of town and back, jump on a trampoline, buy a gumball from one of those machines where the gum rides down a loopy slide............... living is important because it beats the alternative!!!!!!!!!

Thanks, but telling that to someone with OCD doesn't mean anything. Life is a ritual, cannot break it, have my own aquariums, scared of climbing trees, no outdoor market here, no trains, don't have a trampoline, hmm, would have to find a gumball machine, why does life beat the alternative? Who knows what's in store after life to say living is better? Just guessing.

Those were just examples of the kinds of stuff you could do to break routine. There's probably a lot of stuff you could do. Just anything you aren't used to doing.
Living is important because you just don't know whats in store after life. better off not trying to find out too soon.

I know what you're saying but for someone like me with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), anything outside of the daily rituals is way out of the comfort zone for me. I'm definitely not somone who would be called spontaneous.

I get into that rut at times, and as you realise, the result is 'what's the point?'. I've found it takes reacclimatizing your comfort zone. For instance, you might be way stressed out examining art and conversing with others at art receptions, but also find it energising and appealing. If you keep immersing yourself in it though, you can get to a point where all your deep seated environmental philosphy insecurities have been evaporated and you are spending hours a day enjoying art receptions without stress. There's a saying 'Bodies at rest, stay at rest; bodies in motion stay in motion'. I've been one of those persons who spends 10 hours cleaning the bathroom. Breaking the complacency with some willpower and extended self-awareness is well worth it. Much better to look forward to life. Even if we have eternal consciousness, life here is quite short, and should be taken advantage of. Do you have emotional recall? Emotional recognition is 'Oh yeah, I remember feeling like this before'; Emotional recall is 'What did I feel like on that vacation, oh yeah, like such.'. Without emotional recall it's difficult to see any reason to switch activities, and so you spend all day sorting old crayons by length with only a vague impression that life could be better. Keep in mind, life has been better at times, even if that seems like a remote dream, and ther's something you can do about it. Are you spontaneous as a guest on vacations where you have no option to pursue your microcosm? and if so, was it enjoyable?

Vacations are not a familiar thing with me. Never had a vacation with parents, finally had to go on my own when old enough. They still had to be regimented to some extent. Haven't had a vacation now for years. Work 8 hours a day 7 days a week. I have relatively no emotions except anger so there is nothing to recall. Unless you consider craving sex an emotion, which I crave, or anxiety and depression. I don't consider them emotions, just part of me

That happens to me at times too, working 12 hours a day, seven days a week, churning out computer code or something. I get into a love hate fascination wrapped around how my code succeeds, but realise that it's slowly burning me out, gradually making my life a vacant despair. I'd like to go to the beach or something, but don't have the energy to make that quantum leap out of my rut. Workaholism can be an escapist procrastination. Those emotions you mention do come as a bundle. Living on the road broke me out of it. Tense anger? Like you're not aware of any cause of the anger other than distractions are ruining your concentration, until you snap and put your fist through a wall with some little trigger like stubbing a toe? I think you let it go way too long. If you're a pragmatist, it's time you make a job opening your emotional makeup, and giving it the same sort of attentionyou give your existing work. Our self-descriptions are self-perpetuating. If you say you are bleak and anxious, you will become more bleak and anxious, and have all the more reason to say it. Breaking out of it involves saying to yourself 'I'm on a roll, cheerful exciting things will come my way and i'll be powerfully immersed in them'. You know 'depressed', it's time to learn it's complement 'mania'. Try having another online identity that only does thing that are cool, and appreciates cool things in others. Craving sex is craving a passion that will shatter your shell. If you were really depressed, even that would leave you. You might use it as tool to break out before you do lose it. Personally, I find the best way to break out of my ruts is to physically interact with others, especially dating. It inspires me to research things, get artistic, etc. Otherwise I'd be wasting away with trivial self-interests. You do have emotions, even if they've been buried since you were three. There were once groups like EST that used that remaining anger to break people out of their shells into a vaster, freeer, happier life (although it entailed a couple years of alienating all your friends). You should be angry that you've surrendered to bleakness. You probably are, without recognising it. It's time to realise, without becoming an butt-hole about it, that you certainly deserve a better life, and do something about it. Obviously you have just cause to say that's easier said than done, but don't you agree? When you meet people, especially the happy ones, put yourself in their shoes. What are they feeling. No reason you can't feel the same way yourself if you find it appealing. You can rewrite your entire personality. I did. My life was a wreck (not quite as bad as yours, but in the same direction), and I finally figured out, wait, I can be anyone I want to be. I'm going to be one of those innocent gals who loves to watch birds at the lakeshore, sees the glimmer in life, etc. It took being a split personality for a couple years, but it was well worth the investment. I'm sure there are less drastic methods. I imagine if you set your mind to it, you can find your own escape route to a positive personal evolution.

Thanks for the "book". You do put a lot of thought into things. Besides the same day after day rut, what pisses me off is the continuous stream of negative things happening - my car doesn't work, I owe the taxman huge sum, have a traffic ticket to pay by Friday, one of my cats is dieing, work is boring (lack of it), body hurts more regularly with age, memory fading, etc, etc. A few "good" things would help life and my outlook on it.

I've dropped back into one of those ruts again, and you bring up a curious and seemingly true point in my own experience, being in that state is when you get bobabarded by all the Murphys law stuff like car failures, body hurting, forgetting important things when it counts, tickets, etc. A few years back, mine was getting so bad I had to declare bankruptcy and still take care of miserable things like being charged $615 for the towing of a car I anonymously let neighbors part out. Buying another car and stuck with an expensive ordeal registering it, and again after sending it to a tow yard weeks later. I was being screwed and my body was an accomplice in the matter. I just missed today the first appointment I've been able to get with my psychiatrist in months (another one this morning) (slept right through them). I know doing something like breaking my wall and finally making it to the beach this summer would help, but with the hours I keep, that would probably entail staying up all night and going there groggy in the colder morning, and because the environment is a reflection of my state, the weathar is almost always overcast if I stay up all night. If I take catching up too seriously, it will be a seccession of Murphy Law events which exhaust all my free time; If I let my responsibilities go, it will only add to the depression another day. I think todays cure will involve the discipline to take a shower, work on my car restoration project, and go shopping before the sun sets. Turn on the stereo and play some guitar, and most of all, cheer up independent of any stock in my activities, dance around. Tell myself I have energy and enthusiasm although I have none, because otherwise I'm sure not to. I missed my weekly spiritual group last night too. Missing contact with people and daylight is a sign of a downward trend which I know well only gets worse if I don't step out of my routine trend and do something novel about it before I'm reduced to waking up at sunset, doing only internet stuff and keeping myself fed, and finally making it to the grocery one day when I run out of canned milk for my coffee. I'm at war with my own entropy, and have to drudge up energy to make getting out of it a priority over simply trying to catch up with my routine which would come naturally if I didn't recognise the nature and pattern of the sublime threat.
Basically you're letting yourself die, and all your material surroundings are reflecting that. When that happens, it's time to switch to activities, behaviors, and a qualities that exemplify truly being alive. For me, that might mean avoiding squirrely endless computer programming and working on my latest invention prototype instead.
If you're like me, and I suspect you are you have a tendency to turn anything sculpting, theatrics, or yardwork into a serious chore, the idea being that we have a hard time getting life accomplished and must attack everything seriously. The truth for us though is more like it's the spontaneous joy that requires serious effort, and we retreat into our excuse of 'responsibility' as our necessary priority. It's of course counterproductive; as long as we use work as an excuse for not living, it complicates itself into diverse obstacles which guarantee to hinder life. We become spiders trapped in webs of our making. Start calling 'spontaneous' 'responsible' for awhile and see what happens. Invite the companies mail clerk over for beers, walk home, do not turn the world into something that slips by into shadows unnoticed, but crack open it's pearls and protons in any unexplored crevice. That last one was a brutal analogy, letting our worlds slip into shadow.
How old are you anyhow? I'm 39 (damn, typed 37 then memory kicked in). You're an odd mix; you say things that make you sound 20's grunge, and things that sound 50's retirement.
Good things don't just happen, they are willed into being with pre-meditation, visualisation. Sweet singing birds appear to be heard when you've opened an internal connection to them through emotional conditioning.Look outside - this is what you have become. Hopefully it's children gleefully playing in swimming pools, and not broken glass and car alarms. My guess is you have become busy homogenity. Movement with no purpose. I have become a twilight between sunny life, stillness, and project clutter, boxes of half read books going nowhere, tinkering hopes, overinflated procedural administration. My guitar is in unobstructed hands reach, but no equipment is plugged in. I'm running out of floor space to even pace through indecision, let alone dance. My window is clean, I haven't lost hope of getting back out there.
I know when I go out on adventures, my cats sleep in my sandals, and romp around the neighborhood super-energized. The tools of mystical cave-in are the same as those of mystical expansion.
I've got 8 more replies to handle, and I hate to leave my computer on when I'm not using it (even then it draws my energy away from hysical activities), but I'll have to make that sacrifice if I'm to accomplish anything before sunset without losing my reply screen.
If you have the freedom to surf all day, you have the freedom to do something creative too. Take up animation of corporate logos or something and share them with your staff. I've worked in a place where quietly reading was a significant activity. It was worth connecting everybody, havng harmonica jams, discussing our books, whatever it took to make our time spent there mean something. Meaningless gets old as you have already noticed. At least you don't face the hurdle many have upon retirement of suddenly switching to a meaningless existence. Quite often such people's minds and bodies degenerate quickly at that juncture (unless they really were serious about all those wishful plans for post-retirement activities).
Good luck to us both.

This stuff could easily go by as shelved sense. If it applies to you, turn it into action, make some game plans and arrange some furnishings representing renewed spontaneous vigor in some way that grows instead of slipping into the shadows as well.

Me, I'm turning 50 in a few months, but inside feel more like a child or the 20's person you mention. I keep regular email contact with various teenage girls around the world. How I can relate to them I don't know. But I do. Alot better than my older wife. She's the source of many of my current problems. She's bi-polar and co-dependent and is totally in denial of it. Won't recognize it one bit even with repeated over and over showing to her what she does.

Get along with teens, eh. Seems like part of the pattern, like your cat, your emotions are guarded once you escape the security of innocence. I had a co-dependant wife, but after our divorce she did a 180 on that. I had a bi-polar girlfriend (she didn't recognize it either (part of being bi-polar)), and a month at silent woodsy artists retreat and time with me seems to have ended that. People can change, without meds. One can be freeer talking with youth. They are less judgemental. They may call something BS, but at least it's not a chess game emotionally communicating with them. In spite of things appearing the opposite, I suspect there's an energy pattern connecting the expression of her inner psyche with yours. Co-dependancy takes two people. Stop letting her assume your absent functions and express them yourself, or cut them off at the source before she does. You (as an individual or couple) have some deeply subtle and complex problems, they're not really dysfunctional, but none-the-less, if the two of you ever go for help, you're going to need more than a textbook style psychologist. Chances are that you and her are going to be the best healers you can find, given lots of work. I presume your response to life with teens is not so flat, and that should be another avenue of cracking open what works into your daily life. Your wife may be the source of your concerns, but not your problems. Draw the line and fix yourself if that's what you need to do. Keep in mind co-dependant people don't want their SO to improve independantly. Your insecurity is a common thread that keeps you together. Tell her 'We' need a better way of traversing life, so you can share discoveries instead of risking not needing each other. If you have lots of these teens, but no such similar independent expressions, might I suggest that you are a bit of an energy vampire, and you should strive to create in the world everything you appreciate taking in from contacts with others. Being such a conduit allows you to work your way up the ladder of energy responsibility. {I hope my comments aren't too esoteric for you}.
To start of with an easier chunk of the situation, mhat are the similarities and difference between your interactions with the teens and your wife, and how do those vary from your daily public interactions.
Also, you mentioned fascination with TS individuals. Have you ever had a longing to start life over from scratch?and, you mentioned OCD. By strict definition?, or does that bleed into OCPD (the mainstay of many conceptual artists) with it's self-absorbed expressions like graphalia (writing down all your thoughts), personality mapping (exorbitant to-do lists), etc.?

Hey, there's another new chapter in the hypertales saga. Chapter 5, August 14, 2002. Let me know how you like it. Everything except some of the names and locations is 100% true life, guaranteed. How about an email address so we can communiate privately regarding this story? No one else has mad any comments on it. You can email me at obgyn2200@yahoo.com if you don't want it publicized here.

When friends & relatives don't treat you with respect. Example, you invite people to a party and some don't reply that they can't come. If you get mad you are a "dog" If you don't get upset - they just walk all over you.

I am in love with a guy who probably doesn't even think about me enough to come close to loving me back.....and a friend of mine committed suicide last week. Any thoughts?

Are you dating him? Doesn't sound worth your time, if you even have enough doubts to mention it. A friend committing suicide probably has some reflection with something you are going through, apart from the fact, that as you say, it was a friend, and therefore a part of your life already. Giving selflessly is different than trying to behavein some 'giving selflessly' fashion because that is your idea of what love is supposed to be, and suffering for it, which will lead to resentment at some point. Put your two stories together, and i wonder if you might have a martyr complex. I'd have to know more. I just spotted you tonight. You came in at the same time as herbalkate.
Pepper drinks.. like chai? I like chai, especially the way the served it at the rennaissance faire when I was an actor there as a teen.

I do like chai. It is very good. I used to drink it at rennaissance faires too, when I was an actor there.
I am not dating him. He is just someone I am really falling for. I have a hard time expressing myself to guys I like, and with him it is even worse. I don't know how to approach him, and I've been rejected by so many other guys that I don't want to go through that again. As for the suicide, none of us knew she was depressed or contemplating it. We all feel incredibly guilty. I feel guilty also because I couldn't attend the funeral. It's just something that has been on my mind.

lighten up. Not even relationships happen when you get too obsessed. Often relationships will catch you by surprise for the better or worse, meaning you might work through a disatrous mismatch to create something strong, or find that your perfect heaven is insipidly boring and shallow. With that in mind, take light hearted chances, willing to risk being left with nothing and still come out with a cheerful learning experience along your path. There's no heavenly reward for feeling guilty. Feel just enough to know what troubled you and what to never do again, then serve yourself and others better by being of good cheer. Unless you did something worse than neglect, there is nothing for you to feel guilty about in her suicide.
I was a kelt at the northern ca. renn. faire for years; what were you?

I don't feel like I'm obsessing about this relationship thing. I just wish I had the guts to ask him out. Oh well. Anyway, renn faire...I was a Ladies Maid for someone (who's name I can't even remember anymore) at a number of Ca. renn faires for a few years.

Fun. T'was back in `81 for me. Things supposedly got so much more commercial later. When I was there, it was if the village were living it, even on off days at the actors camp.
Your attention is certainly in excess of your actual involvement. Do you hesitate to check your mail? No, it's a light matter. treat this as such. no fear of rejection or anything, because you've already lost, and can only win now.

Some of the faire's got incredibly commercial, but for many it was still as if the village were living it. It got rather interesting being a Lady's maid on my days off from it, because the woman often still treated me as such. It was fun though because she'd order me to juggle and sing for the crowd, which I love to do.

Fun. I still want to try the faires again. I'm performing a 1699 scene from Farquhar's 'the constant couple' in my theater class tomorrow. It's like a black dragon courting a golden dove. I'm doing both characters.

dazed and confused

I see the 'talk to yourself' surveys went inactive. that's too bad. i liked them. i should have talked to myself more.

They were both taking too long to load. and took a lot of time. maybe again someday.

What, exactly, are you supposed to feel when you were ready to marry a woman who wasn't the woman of your dreams but then she dumped you because you weren't the man of her dreams? Relieved? Depressed? Pissed off? I guess probably all of the above. Hm.

Feel gratitude that the divine play corrects what didn't come naturally.
Chances are she dumped you because she felt your energy let go of her, and didn't wan't to just go through motions based on your remaining sense of obligation.
Your spirit was in control, but you don't get any of the surface blame/guilt. What more could you ask for. Now, go find the gal who IS the woman of your dreams.

Confidence? I'm lacking, what are some ways to improve my S/O

Make risk routine. Practice immersion in the surface of things, it too is a safe manifestation of god as that philosphical mind working overtime. Trust. It all being god.. you are one with strangers in your path, your carpentry, events sent your way. Really, the only thing between you and infinite is your doubt. Your doubt may be habit, but the past always leaves a clean slate. Fill your mind with confidence, never doubt. Let doubt always remind you to be confidant, just as one really is free to laugh there head off at any moment, without provocation, and realising you are being glum is a fine time to practice this.
What is 'S/O'? Probably not 'Significant Other' in this context. Wallow in your misery and record all the lyrics that appear on your radio, then pull yourself up by the bootstraps, wallow in glee, and record those lyrics. It's ALL mind over matter, not exceptions within some godless realm of newtonian cause and effect (that is just an alternative parallel explanation for things that happen on the fly in the mind of god). Chances are you are obsessive and analytical, combined with a myriad of weights like ethics and cosmology, not to mention decades of negative guilt/caution conditioning that has you no longer trusting your heart and body. You run the risk of replacing that heart of blood that connects with a person, with a glass heart fed on idealistic rational guidance. A heart filled intuitive spirit knows how to run your body. It does take discipline to stay on a positive roll. We get impulses of awareness that tell us what is good for us. There's a moment we know we've had enough to eat, but logic, desire, and momentum/inertia have us finish the bowl and prevent leftovers anyhow. It's likewise with life. It will occur us to call it a night, so we can make use of sun driven physical energy tomorrow. If we live like this, we fill our lives satiated, and don't hang around past the point of diminishing returns trying to milk another moment from tired experiences.
Right off, drop or change any rating criteria you may attach attitude judgement too. Theres no reason to feel yourself less than a peer of the president or some rock star. You just have different specialties, perhaps reading comics or picking your own nose. For another thing, things change. I once tried playing guitar for a year and sucked. Two decades later I picked it up and became an odd sort of virtuoso within a day. If you think yourself a loser (different than humble confidant surrender to grace), you're sure to be a loser. It's about making sure you're alive inside.

S/O stands for self-opinion thanks

My family are missing. They aren't answering any phones/mobiles. My dad's phone isn't even turned on. I'm afraid that something bad has happened. It's been working up to it. But maybe I've just been getting wound up from everything, and have managed to convince myself. I can't think about anything else right now.

I'm sure they're absolutely fine. It's an opportunity to consider how your life will be separate from them.
How are your ratties, btw? (are there any left?) Wound up about what?

I sometimes get into aggravated states (always triggered by something) and even when I try to calm down (I could be calm for 1/2 or more) it lingers around. I could force myself calm, but it's still there, know what I mean? I feel normal, happy, relaxed etc but the initial agitation hasn't 'worn off' and if some other trigger comes along, so much for calming down! Like right now..... I am calm enough to sit and type, but I still want to kick something.

You're working on the symptom, not the cause. Even if you succeed in calming down, the reason you had for being agitated still exists, and any new excuse to act it out will suffice. The initial agitation may not even be about the subject matter, but that such things happen in the first place, or you're not knowing how to prevent such things from happening or concerning you in the first place.
Try one of my favorite meditations - laugh, laugh with great boisterous joy, for no reason, for several minutes. There is a best solution for your physical problems, or if not the ultimately best, at least the best one you can feel coming to you. Follow up best you can, accept it, move on. The emotions can just add insult to injury. Use them to alert you that you have a concern, then drop them. Fully immerse yourself in what you have to do, which might not be what you have to do in theory, so that you can do it well, genuine, and expediantly, and move on to your other concerns when you really have that option. Ask yourself, are you 'really' dealing with it, or doing something that passes for dealing with it. If it's not something possibly in your power to deal with, let go of it, it just is, don't make matters worse getting bent on it.

I'm kinda between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I'm a teenager who converted my religion two years ago from being Christian my whole life to Wicca. It's not really the change that's bothering me, my mother is still forcing me to go to church, and I'm also active in the choir and band there. I just don't know what to say to the people who saw me grow up that I don't worship Jesus. And being a popular person among the little ones, I don't want them to misinterpret my conversion as a way of saying, "This religion is cooler."

Any advice would be helpful, thanks.

There are some common denominators (few) and you could talk about those. Why did you convert. What type of wiccan are you? One of the main virtues of wiccan over christianity is that it concentrates more on god being here, rather than apart from life on earth. King Arthur was icon of uniting the faiths (try reading or watching 'the mists of avalon' (my first lovers mom wrote it)). Jesus said he was the door. You don't worship a door. You thank the door and step inside. If you can get the same thing making circles around trees, fine. Wiccans don't have it all figured out. Christians, who are adamant about having it all worked out, seldom have it all worked out either. They can be like god's lawyers, and woe to the seeker who gets caught in red tape and loopholes, and misses the point. Jesus hung out with all sorts of types on his path. In modern times, I suspect he would have hung out with buddhists and wiccans while spreading his understanding. As far as looks go, wiccan is cooler. so many types of wiccans and christians, either can be about love or fear, about getting closer to or staying separate from god.
Just be real about things, honest, well intended.
When I was a teen, I carried around a satanic bible for shock value. Inside, I still had the character and moral values of someone you could call christian. At this point, you aren't anything, you're just searching. I lean on several faiths at once, some for their ethics, some for their science of cosmology, others for their meditations, their maps of consciousness, their ambience/atmosphere. No one faith seems to have everything. No one tries to get their CPA, their romantic partner, their pschiatrist, their science teacher, and their security guard out of one person. Religions are similar. There's good reason to explore and pick up bits of the puzzle. Also, the more common denominators you can find in diverse faiths, the more likely you have found something vital.

Hey, thanks. That is seriously deep. I think I have a better understanding now of what I'm going through. I'm going to write down your last four sentences and read them when/if I start feeling guilty.


Off the subject, was your college major in Philosophy or Psychology?

'Philosophy of religion' was definitely a favorite class of mine. I illustrated with experience and translated concepts that some students weren't otherwise getting. I also added comparative metaphysics with Eastern systems of thought. I taught myself physics in grade school, and have been learning on my own since. I had a dad that was a baptist minister who taught me hindu and shamanism before becoming a zen monk, and I built on that. My time after school in HS was spent in spiritual bookstores. My degrees are in computer science and art, but I've studied a bit of everything, including much philosophy and psychology. Primarily I study (first hand) supernatural consciousness states. All the other realms of arts and sciences were leading up to that. I also join diverse religions, but as much to teach as learn.

Man, you live a very interesting life. Thanks for the advice.

I haven'tfigured out what career i will start next year. I'm considering politics or going back to art (childrens illustration books and 3D photography). I'm doing theater at the moment. What do you do?

High school student, unemployed. After graduation in 2 years I plan on saving money to move to Utah (in Michigan now) and enroll in the Myotherapy College of Utah. I've developed an interest as a masseur.

http://www.myotherapycollege.com/

Classes can be good. I took community classes. On the other hand I once had a massage by a guy who paid $2000 to learn a secret reiki method which really sucked. Think of it as an intuitive art form compositions of flowing energy textures. My favorite move was starting with leg stretches, inter-toe massages, and working up to a champagne bubble release of the chi in the scalp. Classes can teach things like scapula lifts (putting the arm behind the back to get under the shoulder blade) that might not occur intuitively.

I read your phone number survey and I totally agree with you.

If you ever want to chat I can be reached at (517)536-8225. I don't care about giving my number online, because my phone blocks out collect calls and very few of my friends call me. After typing this, unfortunately, I'll probably be getting a call with the words, "HARE KRISHNA!!" blasted into my ear.

Unless the day comes when one has to be accredited, if you can work your way up to great proficiency or already have quite a gift, though an accreditation might land clients in some environments, your time and money might just as well be spent spending that 8 months doing free massages and building a reputation or client body.
I might get around to calling, but if you're in michigan, it must be 2:30 in the morning there.

Um, are you male or female? Not that it matters, but some surveys suggest you are female, the others male, my mother just wants to know as to why using a 'feminine' name. When talking on the phone, I deducted you're a guy, however.

Unless the person that called me wasn't you (they said they were, at least). Pity, it was a cool conversation...

That was me. Because i have been living as a woman for the last nine years up till a few months ago. If you go to my site http://www.ereiam.com you'll find photos of me. I'm somewhat of a chameleon. I like to think I am beyond gender (that it's an incidental attribute). My sexual interest has always been female though. My birth name was Thor Clemens, and I haven't got around to changing it back. Kristal Rose Phoenix (McKinstry) was chosen as a spiritual name, and many of my spiritual activities (on the ethereal plane) still take place with some flavoring of that particular persona, so I felt it best to not drop that persona entirely until I can incorporate it into my 'Thor' identity. My voice, and the total vibes you would have deduced would have been different if you had spoken to my 'Kristal' identity. It's strong enough (when I'm in it) that I can dress as a man and still be addressed 'ma'am' by strangers.

I'm going through a very rough patch. I seem to abhorr going outside now. In fact, I'm currently so deep in phsycological muck that I prefer sitting at my computer and taking online surveys to pretty much anything else

That's a problem 'changing gears'. It's related to things like SAD (Social Anxiety Disorder) and OCPD (not OCD) Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (often charcterized by documenting ones life). The mind gets full of concerns and you can't let go of old ones or grasp new ones (except as abstract musings). It's compounded by low self-esteem (since you aren't accomplishing anything). You create a small manageable universe where you can maintain the status quo. It becomes addictive however because you expect it to fill vacancies in your life which it can not. You can stay up all night here and still never get a handshake or date to a dance this weekend. When you are weary, look for substantial details that you have been procrastinating on, and work on them, to completion. Break through the barrier between abstract thinking and living with physical vitality. Chances are you also have a short emotional memory, meaning you can't even recall how much more satisfying it is to be out on a hike or something. Recognize your rut, but don't embrace it. Participating in life requires some discipline. Work on the things that drag you down, or throw them out if you can't do them and stop worrying. In a worst case scenario, start from scratch as a new person, and choose your activities as if you were some other wise person advising you, free from your attachments. If you could simply contemplate your way out of this state, it would have happened by now. You brood because you don't participate, and don't participate because you are too busy brooding (or vegging). Even solving physics problems can be a sort of vegging. Meeting new people, even if that means striking up conversations with people at the photocopy counter helps break through this condition. Not only do you exchange new inspiration, but you build courage in the process. It wouldn't surprise me to hear that you are too low energy or walled into your state to even turn on your favorite music and dance a moment. Break out. Build momentum. In time you may learn how to head off these difficulties before they arise. For instance, I know that when I'm reluctant to leave the house I will run low on groceries, this will in turn depress me more. Now, I save special inspirational groceries to cheer me up when I'm running low on everything and will need to shop again. If you are manic-depressive, eventually you will have to accept that some things will recur again and again, but you can be prepared in advance to confidentally counteract some of them. Some of this stuff can gradually change. You have to find out just how much you can take on and maintain without crashing. Discipline and grounding are key. If you are falling into limbo, seggregate (delineate) your work and entertainment as much as possible so it doesn't all become one weary amorphous flow of inertia in which nothing really changes.

Cool site, I love 'The Tower', I'm bookmarking your site and recommending it to friends.

How does one choose a spiritual name?

Sometimes they are given.
Meditate and make a list, thinking in dream abstract of everything that comes to mind: lunar, waves, flowers, bulldozers, television.. just drift through everything you have and spot which ones you feel you could write reams of poetry or lectures about, or which strike a strong resonant emotional chord. You might not even find for years what your name really means until you begin fulfilling it. It may start off as something like cartoony intrigue, but pick something that you would agree with even if it escalated to a level of inter-galactic deity.

How come a majority of people think you should do what you want (as long as you aren't hurting anyone) and they think people shouldn't be judgmental, (they even claim to be nonjudgmental themselves) but if you actually go out and do what you want, you find yourself surrounded by judgmental people. Where are the nonjudgmental 'do what you want' types then?

They're at home watching 24.

This season isn't as good as the last one so far. I've seen the first 4 episodes (taped in the US) with the sci-fi society at uni and I'm going to see another 3-4 on Friday. I wasn't a huge fan of the last series (give me the West Wing any day) but this one isn't even as good as that! Good enough for me to keep watching though

Really? I think this season is BETTER than last. All the twists and turns and trying to figure who's on what side. Man when Marie Warner turned out to be working with the terrorists I was fudging floored! When she just shot Reza in cold blood, I was like FUUUUUUUUCK!

BRIAN!!!!!!!!! I'VE SEEN THE FIRST 4 (FOUR) EPISODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FOUR!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGG
GGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*takes deep breaths*

Ok. So maybe it's not the greatest thing ever, but spoilers still suck

What's 24?

All this time, you still haven't let go of your belief that that's what to be expected. Imagine your subconcious has the ability to write what others will say. Now, when you do something, your saying "Well, aren't you going to question me about this?" and so, out loud, they respond to you.
That's just one possible scenario though.
Don't have alterior motives, like proving to yourself you can get away with doing something. Do it only because it is the right and natural thing for you to be doing, with the confidence that they should be happy that their kin is functioning optimally.
I do have an experience that concurs with yours though. I have a gift for playing guitar like two virtuosos playing at once. When I visited my brother he made all sorts of arguments, that I should learn from the ramones, that I should play a basic rhythm instead of going off on wild improvisational leads and flourishes, that I should stop making the bass sound like a fiddle and banjo picking. I think he's freaked out that I got this gift, or resentful that I got there in 5 minutes oy prayer and he's spent 20 years of practice not getting nearly as far. When I first became a yogi, I was told to watch out for 'lobster pot syndrome', in which the other boiling lobters will drag you back into the pot when you try to escape. People can play off their own dissatifaction with themselves when they see someone else succeeding. If your attitude is 'I love what I'm doing, and I want you to do things you love too', you'll encounter far less resistance than if you play 'FU, I'll do what I feel is right, prove my point, and imply you are a loser in the bargain'. These things come down to attitude, temperament, alignment, belief system, and from here, I can't witness any of that in you to know where you're coming from. I can see that you are 'holding a grudge' instead of 'letting go', and that alone could be enough to create the sort of karma you are having. Detachment is the key. Enjoy what you experience, but don't take for granted that anything is rightfully supposed to be a certain way. 'Murphys law' is the 'checks and balances' for anyone adamant about some mortal conception on how things should go. Remove 'ego' from the equation.

I used to have that attitude "I love what I'm doing" I honestly thought I would be met with support. People would think it's fun, cool, neat to see someone having a good time. When that was still met with resistance, I developed the "I'll do what I want" attitude. People are met with resistance no matter what attitude they have. Remember me telling you about the woman dancing at the bus stop listening to a personal radio? All I heard others saying were negative things. On a different occassion, a group of teenagers came into the bus shelter and were talking in a normal tone, and one of them was laughing the whole time they were in there. When they left, a guy said 'That kid needs a swat in the butt.' Is there any reason people need to be so negative and judgmental about people having innocent fun?

Only the best show on TV.

I wish I knew what to say. Somehow I miss out on these negative experiences you have. I don't know what causes the difference. I suppose you have some different agenda in your lifes work. Do you have any cue what specifically the guy found offensive? Something the kid said? A belief that the kid had disrespect for his friends. I would think the guy imagined he was laughing at something people shouldn't find funny. but I don't know. Reminds me of a twilight zone I saw just last night with a guy complaining about kids music on the bus, just before going into a heart attack. Some people can't think at all in the presence of other sounds (I'm one of them), and probably feel that library rules should apply anywhere people are somewhat obligated by life to be present at (like a bus stop) (I'm not one of those people, I just put my thoughts on hold). I suppose there motto is 'people should be seen and not heard'. I get the idea that back in the fifties, society actually was a bit more like that. The next time you encounter such a situation, just ask the guy 'why?'. Some people don't watch violent movies, and simply don't ever want cause to think about violence, and they won't appreciate hearing some rap from a car stereo which forces them to consider such thoughts. Likewise, I suppose some people are striving for an internal meditation state of calm control, and even if they'd be happy to have these others play all they want far away, they don't want their own state usurped by reckless abandon. They might further justify their position with the claim that their meditation doesn't interfere with the others glee, but the others glee interferes with their meditation. It's even quite possible that the glee rained on the grumps parade just as much as his complaint may have rained upon the gleeful. Isn't there types of music or types of activity which you would turn off if you found it on your radio or happening in your home? Wouldn't you complain if you couldn't watch a movie or read a book without hearing the next-door neighbors practicing for their accordian-polka band? They're having a gleeful time. What's your problem. You grump. When you were a kid, don't you recall parents who would get exhausted just listening to kids play, and insist they play outside? People don't want to think about having hot sex during a friends funeral, or think deeply about african famines while gobbling h'or d'ouevres at an art reception. People get stressed handling any wavelength of thought different than the one they currently occupy. You might be placing judgement on these wavelengths, considering that anyone should be glad to experience glee over whatever else they are experiencing. Personally, I get very tense listening to kids play in my presence unless I sacrifice my own agenda and put myself on their wavelength where I can share their delights instead of seeing my plans crumbling in chaos.

OK. I am of the view that people who want calm are interfering with the glee. You can't feel free and have your gleeful fun with grumps taking issue with it. Well, I suppose you could, but I still empathize with reckless abandon/gleefulness and feeling free.

It's not an issue society has ever been able to figure out. At one end of the spectrum is lowest common denominator of non-interference, and at the other end is total murder and mayhem. There are societies who don't want their thoughts distracted by unshrouded women. It's all on a spectrum. Noise complaints become more enforced after 10pm when they interfere not only with thought, but even sleep.
Surely you have limits or some threshhold yourself? I can't imagine you'd put up for long with the local teens having Jack-Hammering parties in your neighbors back yard at 3am. I spent most of my life since I was 7 falling asleep to the radio, but then I married a woman who couldn't fall asleep in such conditions and had to readjust. Your idea of freedom of activity interferes with others freedom of thought. People are on mixed sides of all sort of issues, like whethar public grafitti is art or eyesore. The only answer I've ever figured out was to create communities where like minded people lived in close proximity, for instance late night practicing band musicians should all live on the same block, and not be restricted by the 10pm noise curfew. People could visit neighborhoods like vacationing in foreign countries, like the neighborhood where everyone lets their gardens grow quite wild and put flouescent papier maché monster sculptures on display. No doubt, you've heard of the people who all try to keep their lawns the same color of green as the neighbors, and would freak about their property values going down if a neighbor of the wild sculpture or parts cars variety moved in next door. I was writing letters to the editor in defense of a small town founded by hippies that was getting stomped (architectural-freedom-wise) decades later when the city council was replaced by right wing conservatives who moved in later.

Yeah, that's about it. I have imagined what it would be like to have a little community of people like me. I think I will make a hypothetical survey on that topic. Would be fun, no?

One thing I have always wondered about you is if there was one defining moment in your experience that made you think and feel the way you do about "freedom to do what you want". You seem so passionate about it and it seems to come up again and again in your comments. I also wondered if your sister shares this worldview, you being twins. Doesn't the neighbourhood idea Kristal describes above sound yummy? My neighborhood would be all dark and gothic and everyone would have funky coloured hair, own motorcycles and listen to music very very very loud and drive fast!

I don't really know of any one particular moment. I think I've always been aware of people objecting to harmless things, even as a kid. My sister agrees with me for the most part, but I think about it a lot. I made a survey about the neighborhood thing. That would be fun.

COOL!

I had an idea for a survey on communal living I plan to get around to when things slow down.

I'm in the mood for creative, open ended surveys. I just made one about being invited to write and draw on a big piece of blank paper. I think SC seems due for some fun creativity.

Ah, we had hundreds of kids signing quotes and such on one at the peace rally yeterday.

Remember the neighbor that thought I was complaining too much? Well her kid made off with a hat to a vintage doll. She says it's under her bed somewhere. I offered a freezy pop to anyone who finds it. I didn't tell her I thought she took it, just that it's gone and I want it back. How do you think this might turn out?

I think you might be overinflating things. To the neighbor girl it's probably just another incidental item. Speak through the heart and ask your neighbor girl if she can find it. Your freezy-pop scheme seems more founded in accusation than just saying something. Be non-accusatory, don't turn something into a crime that wasn't one in their eyes already, or they will turn into offensive and defensive monsters. Oh, I should have read your latter sentence.
Personally, I never raised my own children with any reward or punishment. Instead, I pushed to highly develop their consciences (it's a bit like catholic guilt). In spite of that though, my daughter seems to have turned out to be reward motivated (and expecting others to behave likewise). I'm blaming it on the decade she spent with my ex and bro instead of me (other than phone calls). I was born free from reward and punishment though. In spite of my son following suit, it may be predominantly a quality people are born with. I had neighbor kids totally rooted in selfishness and argument who really got into sharing when they were at my home. They quickly adapted to a different set laws for mutual respect and growth. At home, all they had was heirarchial discipline and authority from those who don't deserve it (IMHO). {the parents insult everyone inc. the kids, and yet expect the kids to to be silent}. Until I saw how sweet the kids were at my home, I was wondering if they were possible born as naturally malevolent and totally self-centered as they seemed. It turned out to be environment.
Anyhow, be her friend, don't let her have a chance to concieve of it as her desires vs. yours. The slightest buying of cooperation will leave a lasting impression on them as adults and their worldview. Probably more than half of humanity has bought that concept, and it's not the most noble motive we can be operating from. See if you can find answers to teaching children that don't involve the energy of manipulation. It's a very subtle distinction sometimes. In a worst case scenario, do the golden rule speech, that if a friend had something of hers, she would want them to friendly and return it. This way, her motive becomes rewarding, being a friend, and not punitive, confession,paying back. We don't just teach behaviors to our kids, we teach motives for behaviors. If you teach the right motives, you won't have to teach all the possible behaviors, they can figure that out on their own.

Oh. OK. I just want the hat back. I'm hoping for co-operation, for whatever reasons of her own. I don't have the energy or willingness to teach kids that aren't mine. This girl is totally wild when she is in my house. I teach my own kid how to act, and without manipulation. The kid next door lacks self control, and I don't want to be the one to teach it to her. My kids are easy. Other people's (wild) kids aren't.

It would be interesting to know if she is wild at home. you've probably figured about me that I take naturally teaching anyone I bump into whatever I think they could use. A person maintain a productive 9-5 life with that attitude though (unless, like me, they got away with shifting their unspoken job title to help desk person). My kids were the best mannered of any I knew too. To some extent, I consider them all my kids though.
Let me know how getting the hat goes.

Well, I find the color choices emotionally difficult, I couldn't bring myself to check out all the selections and I think Jemmy's caused me a great deal of emotional disruption. I might have to go see Lucy about this.

Or did you mean to describe them in here.

Ugh! Now I know I am emotionally disturbed! I accused the wrong person. Sorry Jemmy, I went to double check and make sure I remembered correctly but I can't find it now, maybe there is some psychological reason for it....maybe my mind is warped now ....maybe ...maybe...maybe...

Color choices? Jemmy's not one to emotionally disturb others.

OH, hmmm well actually I was customizing my Survey Central and I chose a color scheme that turned out to be all black. So I had to move the mouse around to find the balloons that told what the links were so I could go back and choose another color. I must have chosen the color scheme Jem just before or just after I chose the black one. That is probably why I remembered it as Jemmy. My mistake.

Yeah, Jemmy's scheme. She made it by accident. It poses quite a unique challenge. I had to get out by tabbing my way through memory of all the screen layout. I don't have mouse balloons available.
My layouts all have the 'KR' prefix and are generally quite vivid. I use 'dazzle-cool'.

OH, so the black one is Jem? Hmmm, last time I tried it it wasn't black.

Can we have Bill delete that color scheme? Can you just click-drag across the screen to see the words?

I don't know about highlighting words, I didn't try it myself.

She actually described it as being made of random colors, but I'm fairly certain it was the the one that was all black for me. Perhaps some hidden software glitch is involved.

hmmm

I know that sometimes you can do that when words and backgrounds are the same color. I would try it with her color scheme, but I'm scared.

I don't blame you

Try it with two browser windows open. Both on the screen choice menu, so you just have to flip to the original color screen to switch things back.

I never thought of that. Maybe I'll try it.

Speaking of trying things: Key lime yogurt is good on sourdough waffles.

I put a dollop of sour cream in my yogurts, and yogurt is already my favorite waffle topping.

blahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahdogblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahDickheadblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahblahCrapfaceddogblahblahblahblahbl

zip it, pretty please.

*Sings old Bee-Gees tune - ah ah ah ah staying alive, staying alive*

This survey is singing that.

I had to make sure. - no recent vistors here.

Kind of a good sign, at least.

I love animals too much.

This page of comments looks askew to me. Is it all messed up? the spacing and stuff...

Totally skew whiff.

*waves*