The Psychiatrist is in. 5¢

Damn. Trust me to be the first.

Okay, genuine problem. I respect Kristal's intention.
(and I love Shultz).

I went to bed with this guy and er..nothing happened. I figured it was because I had just come out of a period of depression due to unemployment and moving apartment. Then it happened again a second time.
Is it because they were one night stands.
Is something wrong.
Can you be depressed but get so used to it you don't realise anymore.
Suffice to say I have been celebate for a month now.
(I know I shall regret posting this. )

I just deleted a comment that was almost identical (by higher decree, no explanation given, i suppose other peoples problems are a priority).
What do you mean by nothing: no sex that night, no continuing relationship?
{i've only had 3 intercourse partners my whole life, but lost one of those 2 weeks ago, and a year plutonic one 2 months before that.}
What were you hoping for, what were you expecting, and what did you get?

I lived in a cramped 1-room apartment, from 85 to 93, experienced a lot of crazy things there, and some pretty deep times. I did drugs there, roleplayed in excess, sometimes with over 10 people piled on top of one another. The last years it was an extremely filthy place. I spend too much time inside, and it kinda got in my head, and I can't get it out. Sometimes I wake up, in the same claustrophobic apartment, aware that something isn't right. It's a nightmare, and it doesn't go away. In those dreams I can remember details about the room which are amazing. It's like I'm there and I'm suffocating.
This summer those buildings are to be torn down. I intend to go there and ask the current tenant if I can spend an evening there after he vacates the place. Does anybody has any ideas how to rid myself of this trauma?

Okay let me be more blunt. Impotence.

Perhaps actually watching the place be torn down will be cathartic. But if they let you do the one night thing and then walk away from it. I believe buildings can hold vibes.

Dear Dr. Psy,

I made love to my neighbor's Porsche last night. I would like to know if this kind of behavior is normal. Or do you think I should seek some professional help?

My previous girlfriend was an Italian scooter but our relationship was kinda platonic and we never had sex. And I really thought I could never fall in love with a car... Please advise me.

Yours,
Harley

Hey, Harley. Would you please not ridicule Kristal_Rose? She is obviously trying to find some meaning in her life besides having long conversations with her telly. And next time you make love to the porsche, wear a rubber. You got her all grimy and her valves been rattling ever since.

I was there, my first round. {this probably will help me figure out some of my own stuff.}
Were you drunk (or similar)?
Under stress?
Thinking of someone else or something better?
Having doubts about the current relationship?
On medications?
In a different state of consciousness than your sexual norm?
Were you with your partner or aloof/fantasizing?
I bet it was some of all these things, but perhaps you can elucidate which you'd emphasize, if any.

Perhaps the sort of relationship you were in is not what you're really in the mood for anymore.

Actually, A#2 has been quite helpful. I recently lost my plutonic year long italian, and did disturb my more recent porsche with grime, clean & sterile grime though (been wondering if she she believed me though). and for that matter, I told her that night that I could see myself as a barmaid/mechanic at a biker oasis.
SC is just like the telly in many respects, the difference being I can help others and not be so self-centric.

See comment to A#2

Places/things do maintain vibes, but chances are you still have a link to that state. When I was younger I often worked in high-pressure physical attention demanding work (fast-food) and would have sleepless nights dreming I was working. On the rare occasions I overwork/overpressure myself (cushy website design), I will still have those nighttmares of overworking at the fast-food job. You're still probably concerned about running the same risk, like not getting out enough or something. Are you backsliding to something that was once inspiringly comfortable, like fantasy gaming? Somehow, you're dredging up prior states of living, and your dreams are warning you not to get back there. Is your income for rent stable? Perhaps you haven't left behind the fear of being stuck in such a situation again. If so, assure yourself that you have better answers, should similar junctures occur. If you don't, you have work to do.

Thanks Krystel,
- Harley

I think it was because he was a stranger but mainly it was because for the last six months I've been struck with self-consciousness and self-hate. Real belief I am pug ugly and gangly and awkward and I felt out of place in the situation. I've started fantasising that I'm a different person but I think I've screwed up there cos it makes you feel crap afterward.

Mine was really weird. I have been a different person for years, and she goaded my former self out. That former self is quite a mess. Also most everything on the list. I didn't feel I was my current or former self, more of some limbo creature. Also, I was trying too hard to be in love with her, while thinking about how good it was with my ex instead.

Adorable survey, just a-do-ra-ble.
Nobody probably cares, but I keep having these momentary lapses where I imagine intense pain--but not dying. Like having limbs wrenched off, or being crushed, I don't know. It's awful.

Are you trying to 'not' think about it? Does it happen when you are trying to control your thoughts?

i think i'll save it for the real psychiatrist. i'm going to see her in a couple of hours, and she'll probably give me some nice drugs.

My heart hurts.
Today is not a good day. That's about all I can say.

I've got over my recent emotional difficulties. Can I have my 5 cents back?

I just got an email from an old co-worker. His mom died two months ago, that I knew, but this email was thanking every one for their support during the loss of his mother, and more recently, his FATHER. They died two months apart. That's just awful.
He and his wife are having a sort of open house tomorrow, so I will go and bring them fudge.
That news totally bummed me out. But news like that also serves to remind me what's really important in this world, and me not being able to find work is infinitely less important than having my loved ones alive and happy. And me, too. I'm alive and comparatively happy.

Worried and scared at what the future holds for me, but happy.

No. It happens at night when you can't sleep, and all these miscellaneous thoughts come into your mind, you know? It's driving me crazy. My psychiatrist thinks I should exercise more to get rid of it, but if I have to do one more hour of step aerobics (I already do four a week) I think I'll collapse.

Fat fudging chance.

Oxford or Durham??? Or neither?

Oh, fear of dying or infirmity? Don't know. Haven't any experiences that touch upon it.

Perhaps you dated shallow men obsessed with their muscles?

I'm too shy around boys. My brother tells me that more guys would be interested in me if I didn't come off as being aloof towards them. I can't help it, I'm just a shy girl.

I'm having a hard time believing my SO when he says that he's "going out with the guys." How often do a bunch of hetero guys go see a movie after work?

Maybe you can ask the building owner if you can take a sledge hammer with you on your last visit. I know that violence it not the answer but by taking your anger out on the apartment (and not another living thing) it might jump start the healing/forgetting process.

Not fear of those, just fear of pain. The most horrible thing about them is that there is always some delightful soundtrack, loud crunching noises and whatever.
Are there any other booths I could spend my five cents refund on, now that you've drawn a blank?

Crazy! This confetti sees a psych too. I wonder if it's for the same reasons...

Because the PSYCHIATRIST is in, I'd rather offer psychoactive drugs...

How shy are you? Tell me a short story about a particular incident which happened where you wished you could have been more... outgoing?

Quite the contrary.

Then I just haven't a clue what sexually attracts to the plump now, or did you simply mean to employ animal grease?

I feel ok at the moment.

Sure, what have you got for temporal distortion?

That depends... is it a problem you want to go away, or is it something you feel like you are lacking in your life? (Giggles).

You can't imagine how often I calculate that I must ahve spent an hour per bill payed or present wrapped. I have no idea wher the time goes, though at times I get as much done in 20 minutes as in a couple hours. I have about three productive days a month, and the others are unaccounted for. I don't even leave the house or finish my projects. I can't imagine I spend it all at SC. It happens to my guests here too. I once had to explain that a friend here for a few minutes had already spent nearly an hour with me. One friend pointed out that I pace a lot looking for things (it took her a couple hours to realize I wasn't putting her on and didn't even know I did it) or I was miraculously on such that whatever random tool or object i needed was always instantly at hand. My psychiatrist suggests I simply accept that my time is wildly elastic and not worry about being productive. I've tried numerous meds though. I do actually want to push time elasticity further. But I would like to knock my physical projects off too.

You know, this is going to sound really strange, but... when you look into the future, at how we are going to view things in the future... the world, sciences mostly... (and, I can think well enough to see things that we haven't really discovered yet, just... not in any manner that can be expressed or conveyed with any effect, much less defended), it seems just as illogical as the ways that we viewed things in the past.

My point is simple- Time has more to do with consciousness than with physics. The big "question" of psychology (philosophy too, I think), that we are in a position to answer fairly soon (I'll risk saying I'll meet the person that does it), is how does matter become mind... and I understand, I cognicize, how matter becomes mind. I see it. I just can't fudging explain it. Not only can I not explain it, but I have trouble thinking about it for more than tenths of a second at a time.. it is like... eesh. My mind believes it is illogical so it pushes it out, even when I verbally say to myself "Wait, wait, that's it, hold on that, look at that some more, that's worth looking at some more, that has some truth,..." I can't stop my mind from pushing it out. It just won't believe that it is logical.

In any event... realistically, your mind is probably just focusing on things other than what the rest of us expect you to focus on. This could cause you problems too, because in order to keep that mind in a situation that it can thrive, you need to focus on certain things... take care of business. I remember once having to tell myself that "I realize the mind is powerful, but I need my body to sustain me for now. I've got to break out of this. I've got to get some water if I want to sustain me." and then, after having somehow managed a few capfuls, thinking "It's amazing how little will do it, I won't be perfectly well now, but I won't die, either."

So, it's a trap of sorts. On one level, as long as you only focus on the day to day, as long as you get wrapped up into consistent thought processes about the same BS that everyone else thinks about... you aren't going to make any "big thoughts". Is this really a desirable set of circumstances, not making any big thoughts, not PRODUCING AS CONSCIOUSNESS anything spectacular? Honestly, I could tell you what readily available pharmaceuticals would probably put you in that state, assuming you haven't damaged your hardware to cause the problem in the first place... (Dextroamphetamines and diazepam, 2:1, starting at 5 milligrams a day of amphetamine (2.5 diazepam) and increasing by 2.5/1.25 mg a day per week until you stabilized at a point where you could both relax AND focus on what you needed to at any given time. I don't advise doing this, although I can basically assure you it would get you concentrating on tasks in such a way that you could easily tackle them. No sane psychiatrist is going to give you both an stimulant and a relaxant at the same time, though... hey, they just don't think like I do. It'd do the trick.)

On the other hand, if you have big thoughts, if you think about things that, from, an evolutionary perspective it may not be so great to think about... occasionally that is going to interfere with your ability to deal with the here and now... what you "should" be dealing with. It's part of the package. Lost in thought, means... not concentrating in daily stuff... they are both products of the same function, you can't have it both ways. :).

So, to summarize, you enter into dissociative states where you are engaging in abnormal thinking paterns, and you could fix it with meds for a short while (though, I wouldn't dare try to), and that's part of life.

I mean, I'm saying, you could, honestly... you could do some concentration training... basically forcing yourself to concentrate everytime you catch yourself thinking... but... you just... trust me... you'd turn into the type of person that everyone else is, you don't want to.

Yeah, I wish i could just flip a switch between states. But I am proudest (most self defined) by the thinking that many of those drugs would deny. I recall some like risperdal that created focus by making all thought an effort. I'd rather live with 100 lb weights chained to each wrist. i just wanted to sleep and get life over with.

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm all groggy this morning. Baby is fussy, cutting teeth. I went to get my cup, and inside was chocolate milk sediment at the bottom, in the shape of a smiley face! All is well.

umm...I can't think of a particular incident...its just that often when a boy comes up to me and starts talking, I tend to avoid eye contact, or stay kinda quiet...I especially try not to let a guy know if I'm crushing on him!

I think that's what most girls do... :). You look down when he looks at you, right?

And, I mean, when you look down, you are kind of letting him know that you like him, right? That's what I usually look for. That and gentle unnecessary touching... (If you look away, like to the side, you are telling him you don't like him, so don't do that. :). Eventually you'll meet some boy who knows how to read your signals right, he'll say "We should get together sometime," and that boy will be named "Man". Give it time. Hehe.

And that'll be the end of your being worried about being too shy. I mean, once you get comfortable with a person, it's easier, right? That's a boys job, to make you comfortable, to say "No, no, it's cute. It's alright. Good even."... To really wrap you up (on an emotional level), tell you it's okay, and to reassure you, and eventually you build some trust and you are more relaxed.

That's what it's about, the right (boy/girl), can eliminate your biggest concern in the world, simply by saying "No, no, it's cute.".

Or, sometimes it is more like 'Well, yeah, maybe it isn't so good, but I don't care. I like you anyways.'.

But in your case it will probably be... "No, no, it's cute.".

Thanks, that actually does make me feel better. Maybe things will get better once I get out of high school and into the real world?

my stomach hurts
my throat hurts too
perhaps it is a symptom of repressed or denied vocalization
perhaps the chakra energy in that area has built up and created a spiritual blockage
this could cause communication problems if i am not careful
wait, what if it has already created communication problems?
oh no! I bet it has!
what if nobody understands me?
wait!
nobody does understand me!
crap!
damnit damnit damnit!
there, i vocalized
realesed
some suppressed damnits
perhaps the energy blockage has loosened now
and people will understand me again
but wait!
now my toe hurts!
what could that mean?

cool survey!

i lived in places like that too. where do you live now. i once spent 6 months alone on a mountaintop in colorado. after that i just bring THAT memory back when i have spent to much time in the city or an apartment. perhaps you should visit the mountains and get something to build a new memory with.

i have had those dark thoughts my whole life, kinda got used to them i guess. lately its car wrecks. about every couple minutes when i am driving i imagine vivid horrible car wrecks death and dying. hmmm.

Sealants...dentist wants to force her to have them...she doesn't want them...I side with her...dentist thinks I'm a bad mommy
*cries*

They only use sealants on baby teeth which will fall out anyhow. You're not a bad mommy at all.

Excellent house, sexxy wife, 2 big white shepherds, 9 cats now. Everything OK now.

REPLY TO EVERYONE.

Repeat after me.

Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial

Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial
Repress and Denial

Good, Good. Are you starting to feel better yet? I'm thinking of starting my own religion.

Oh, me too! Especially when I'm crossing the street.

on molars actually...6 year and 12 year

whats the cure for the blues

i already have a religion. its called "my all mighty leader, the cat". its led by my cat mr. biggles and the inniciation process is you have to crawl around for 2 days. then you must lick yourself clean(we've had many people break their necks attempting this). i am the defender of the faith as mr. biggles protecter and back scratcher. i guard kitty at all times and when he speakshe speaks threw me. i also get him his kitty mistresses. ALL HAIL THE GREAT GOD MR. BIGGLES!LET HIS CUDDLINESS RULE OVER ALL!

¥"Once you dig in you'll find you'll have yourself a good time" Sounds like little shop of horrors.
¥"A suprise on the way. The wiseman came. Love was all around. Gamblers, drinkers, and jokers.. like you and me."

Sometimes I cut off a small piece of my arm skin. After I control the bleeding, I eat me. Is that wrong?

Um....I'm a pushover and I let people tell me I'm not smart and believe it....

Nothing really...I don't know if I love my girlfriend just yet, though I know I'm getting there. However, we're both kids, and we are both "wise" (if you can call it that) enough to realise that we aren't yet ready to judge whether or not we really "love" or just have that crappy high school "love" that falls apart because it isn't really, so instead, with that realization in mind, we are advancing forward and learning to love each other in our own ways. So, in conclusion, it isn't really a problem, just the only emotional confusion I'm having right now.

You know what dude, you iz my hero. You're like me, only with poorer grammar and spelling skillz.

sweet. what the hell are you talking about worse grammar and spelling skills. you spelled skills with a "z". i haven't seen your messages. i'm going to start reading them. i feel like fricken' Charlie Brown.

Only one thing I can think of...

My boyfriend's friends are pretty rebellious, They do illegal stuff, use girls for sex, laugh at people when they trip, etc. My boyfriend isn't like them at all (we've been together for 9 months, he doesn't steal cars, get high, etc.). He'll only participate in small "rebellious" things when he is with them. I'm a goodie goodie, so obviously I feel completely outnumbered when he asks me to "hang out" with him and his friends... but he expects me to feel comfortable! I feel so awkward, and old when one of them yells "C'mon Wendy, have some fun!" *throws a cigarette into a full gas can*. (And they're older than me!) Is being good so bad? Daahh!!!!

It's ok if no one answers. lol I'm just glad that I could get all of that out. But if you *want* to answer, hey, I'm not turning anyone down!

There's "rebellion," and then there's "stupidity." They're not rebelling, they're being immature. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders. Don't let anyone bring you down.

Aww thanks for that reply, jkiehart. I feel much better now.

So, your boyfriend is buddies with my ex husband, then?
*laughs*

danger danger danger
run run run

good grief girl! Get rid of that loser immedietley!!!!!! You CAN do better than that. You need to breathe in some love and see yourself with someone who wants to do regular mature things.
((HUG))

nah not right now

It's still the whole Oxford/Durham thing I've been invited to an open day at Durham and I don't know whether I should go or not. I'm almost ready to say Oxford and I'm worried that if I go and look at Durham, I'll love it and my decsion will be made more difficult. But if I don't go and see, I won't have pursued all my options properly. Maybe I should just accept Oxford and have done with it....

Go to Durham open house!!!!! Explore every avenue. Then choose.

well you should go -it may be really horrible and you'll rest easy with an Oxford decision.

Food for thought. Mo Mowlam is an ex-Durham graduate. Good footsteps I think anyway. (Although I still think you should go to Oxford)

I'm almost 20, and I know I can't change that, but for some reason I feel like I'm not ready to BE 20 years old yet.

The decision is made. I'm going for Oxford. I decided not to go to the Durham open day. I've still got a lot of work to do this holiday (I'm resitting a module of chemistry from last year in just over a week )

Yeah way to go Claire. Good luck. Let's hope its the right one. *sniff* I'm so proud you little Northern Tiger you!

Good luck with the resit or this whole issue is academic.

I got a B in chemistry last year without the resit I got an A on one paper, a B on one and a very low C on the other - taht's the one I'm resitting! It should make me surer of a B but I doubt it can push me up to an A. Besides, my offer (AAB) is for any of my 4 main subjects (I'm doing 5 A2s and 1 AS) so if I fail chemistry I ould still get in! Not that I have any intention of failing (or dropping below a B!) but it's nice to have a safety net!!!

Oh Boy Oh Boy!
Carte blanche to dump! (wry grin)
Okay, as short and sweet as possible:
1) My natural father should never have been a father, and he not only never loved me, but hated me, and tried to make my mother get an abortion. I was so happy when they got a divorce and I never had to see him again. He was abusive and frightening.
1.5) In grade school, I was often sent to the school counselor because of my high test scores, low grades, and home troubles. I learned early on to give her the answers she wanted or expected, because she didn't cope well if I didn't. I was a cooperative child who wanted there to be harmony, so naturally I made my couselor feel more comfortable. LOL

2) My mother's poor taste in men (stemming from her self-esteem problems) resulted in my evil stepfather, who seemed like the nicest person and best father in the world until she married him. He went after my sister first, and when I got sufficiently pubescent, went after me.

3) I had an abortion when I was 13 because of him, and it scarred me horribly. I didn't want to go through with it, but felt I had no choice. It never stopped hurting. I started sucking my thumb and regressing, and walked around school in a daze, mumbling to myself the thoughts that were SHOUTING in my head. My mind separated, so when I was at school, I couldn't remember home, and at home, couldn't remember school. Other kids instinctively avoided me, and teachers passed me rather than deal with me.

4) I survived many years of oppression by him, wherein he made my life a living hell for trying to distance myself and refuse him, while I watched my sister's social skills and sense of self degenerate as his concubine and virtual slave. she had two abortions that I know of, and never had a normal friendship or relationship.

5) Years after I left, I realized that not knowing if I would ever find or see my mother again was weighing on me terribly.

6) I sought counseling for all this, and never found a counselor who wasn't less able to deal with it than I was. One even refused to make eye contact with me, and turned a whiter shade of pale and appeared visibly distressed as I told my tale. Bad luck I guess. I never went back.

7) Years after that, my mother finds me through an email address I left just for that purpose. She fled in fear of her life, with the clothes on her back, psychologically and physically damaged.

8) It's funny to say, but the biggest issue on a daily basis now is that my husband and I get aggravated sometimes at the lack of privacy, and my mother and I don't get along easily because she doesn't like my cooking nor I hers, and she's constantly underfoot. But that's just usual mother-daughter stuff.

9) My husband and I can't have children (it would seem) but we don't know why yet, though it has been obvious for years. I fear my sexual abuse and abortion might have something to do with it, and that adds to my angst at my stepfather.

10) But the good news is, by some miracle, my mother was such a good mother in my early years that I developed a strong sense of self that even my stepfather couldn't shatter, and I grew up making strong friendships and having boyfriends, and by an even greater miracle, I actually enjoyed sex with the man I married. I didn't expect to be able to.

Now, another miracle is that my mother is safe and we can once again have a relationship (though we get on each other's nerves a bit sometimes), and things are only getting better with every year. I have a wonderful husband, I no longer have a hole in my heart where my mother should be, I am doing the things I love instead of living someone else's life, and am even coming to terms in jerks and starts, with infertility. It still hurts a great deal, but I am no longer constantly depressed by it, and can live a normal, satisfying life, with the usual amount of heartache and upset, instead of an unnatural share of it. I could wish we were better off financially (who doesn't?) and that my mother liked my cooking and didn't smoke, and so forth, but by and large, I live life to the fullest, and have so much to be thankful for.

I know that the issues I have from my tormented past will play a part in my personal growth, perhaps for the rest of my life. But I am confident that they have not and will not sully my spirit. But I'm sure I still could use a good counselor, if I ever find one who doesn't give the standard text-book responses while appearing very uncomfortable in my presence, and who has a few good brain cells to rub together. The best counseling in the world so far have been my best friend (who is pursuing a degree in therapeutic services) and my husband (who should have).

I seem to remember a mrbbear here at one point - is it just my imagination?

You do seem to have a parallel male counterpart that recently appeared at SC. The style of testimony is quite similar.

Narcissistic borderline-personalitied psychopathic pedophile with obsessive-compulsive disorder. Any hope?

Hope of what? Probably little. You can make radical changes in your lifestyle and fill your thoughts with other subject matter, but if you fall into the same life situations, you will probably fall into the same mental ruts, unless you've left it alone for years. A radical change of diet, excercise, meditation, changing your activities, your daylight hours, etc. can make radical changes. I went through that a couple times, and came out differently. Many things come at a cost though. If you were to have a wider awareness, you would probably have less focus.

How do I stop myself from killing others?

I keep repeating everything I do I keep repeating everything I do I keep repeating everything I do WHACK. Thanks I needed that.

by not killing yourself.

This is really a serious question Krystal, and I'd like some advice, I am a male, but almost 99% of my day, I pretend I am a girl, I don't make my self look feminine, or wear makup, or act like a female, I just like to pretend and imagine that I am, like, the pants that I put on that day will, instead of being pants be a skirt, or instead of some girl hitting on me, I'll pretend it was actually a guy, its like I'm living some movie. Its like I move in and out of two dimensions, I even created an alternate female name for my self, very simular to my male name. Its as if I have two different lives, the life that actually exists, and the one that I create inside my head. I know this sounds odd but I hope i explained it well enough. Do I have an "id" because I am able to control it, I just try to avoid situations that bring gender into account. Its really fudgeed up, I am a homosexual, if that helps at all.

heres and example:

the real me, lets say 'Joe' is a virgin, but the female I pretend to be in my head, lets say 'Joanna', has had sex with 3 different guys. She even has a history! I don't understand it at all, its probably unhealthy and rare, and really fudgeed up, and one day I'll probably hit an emotional ice berg and go on a killing spree. But in all serious, whats up with me?? When I masturbat however, I masturbate from the stand point of a homosexual male. But as soon as I'm done I snap back into "joanna"

When I was little I played with barbies and tried on high heals, and put tissue in my shirt to make boobs, Its actually kind of disturbing now that i'm actually thinking about it. It took alot of emotion to even type this. The thought of cross dressing does nothing for me present day though, and I would never consider going through a sex change, maybe I created an alternate persona to try to muffle or cover up my insecurites about my homosexuality or physical appearence, not that I'm really ugly or any thing, i just have very low self esteem. What do you think, damn i'm blabbering on forever arnt i...

It's hard to tell where you're coming from. I suggest you meditate deeply on the abstract genderless flavor of your being, then work your way down to the physical of what, starting from scratch, you would like in lifestyle, relationships, fashion, and body. There might be more than one answer. Perhaps the spirit of Esther lives in you (as I channel off the TV). Until you have a firm direction, or accept your muddlement as an integrated solution, you will probably live with this for some time. Perhaps you are repressing your feminine aspect of your masculine being due to your upbringing. So far, in spite of some pattern matching with transgenderism, you still sound more like a transvestite homosexual. Perhaps try living with no gender amongst new friends of both genders, and see what gender arises in thought wishing to interact. I think most guys have cross-dressed a touch when young. It's a natural exploration which indicates little. Perhaps you don't want an operation, but what of having been born with female anatomy. If that doesn't do anything for your heart/personality (even if you feel it would be an impractical venture) then I'd have to say you're better off predominantly male. Most importantly stop looking at it as a problem, or even an abnormalty. Allow yourself any option with the presumption you will fare wonderfully, regardless of gender attraction, gender identity, body gender, etc. Let everything loose and see what evolves. I had an alter ego me, and ended up becoming a hybrid between that ego and a bit of my former masculine identity.
Stop wallowing in insecurities. It sounds as if you fantasize (if that's what you do) about being a woman because you need to martyr yourself with a submissive veneer. Would you feel guilty about sleeping with a woman? You say you are virgin homosexual? Until you have had both sex and loving commitment with both genders (possibly as either gender), I think you don't understand yourself well enough in your dreamy self-analysis to label yourself at all, and need to explore more. You don't have to be anything. Go in a direction when you know what it is, and until then live with a light heart, free of obligation of definition. Finding out who you are will occupy your entire life; don't make it a burden.

Who/what makes you happiest?

Good advice, I doubt i'm a transvestite though.

What makes me happiest? lots of things i guess, being with a few close friends, being in a large place full of people where nobody knows me is nice sometimes too. Riding in a car with a friend, not talking just listening to music really loud with the windows down. Could you be more specific?, i have a really close friend whos been my best friend since 5th grade who i feel most comfortable around if thats what you mean. Oh, and what is "Esther" I'm afraid you've lost me there...how should i meditate? ive never done things like that before.

almost all of my friends are males, if that helps...

You think its possible i was born with female anatomy?

No, i'm not saying you born with female anatomy. I'm saying in order to find out what you want, divorce yourself from your current life and ask instead what life you would have preferred to have been born into. Would you like to be a person who plays chess or draws comics instead. Even if those activities seem far from your domain, if you are interested in them, you probably have a latent talent for them. Why don't you hang out with women? If part of you wants to be a woman, in anything other than a sexual fashion, hanging out with other women would be an opportunity to experience and let that mental activity flow. Hey, I'm listening to a radio show with another Esther.
There are several questions to be answered:
Is there another personality in you?
Have you repressed your natural feminine side?
Do you have issues with women (or men)?
Do you have issues with sexual dominance/submission?
Some tests you can do are as follows:
Can you get along with women as a man, and feel natural, competent, and happy about it? If no, why not?
Can you converse with women without harboring significant sexual interest and intrigue/fascination/obsession?
Does your masculine being wish to recede socially or mentally?
Does coming from your feminine consciousness change your spontaneous behavior, ie. are there different impulses for how you should nod, sit, dance, etc. (these impulses are different from plans and wishes to model behaviors) that your mind and body naturally want to do before your editorial consciousness replaces the impulse with a thought out proper behavior.
If you spend all that thinking a cross-gender in your head, I find it almost unbelievable that you don't do a bit of cross-dressing. For all I know, you are creating an invisible friend, or trying to maintain karmic balance for your sexual gender thought/activity. Serious closet cross-dressers will have a hell of a time buying womens clothes. Casual haloween pranksters will have a jovial time, as men, going into buy such stuff though. If you have a dual personality, unless you know each other well, you'll need let your femine side surface to make purchase decisions. It sounds though that your feminine side is usually present in your mind though. Do you argue with yourself? Maybe you don't even have a separate masculine side. Some of what I was channelling was about having to live silently. If you have something living in your head, you really should give it a chance to live interactively with the world, and find out if it's a comprehensive being or not.
Instead of trying to figure things out, and asxing my second opinion, why don't you give it a shot telling me who you think you are and what you really want.
I'm not the one to tell you what's ok; you are.
btw, psychotherapists come in all spectrums of sentiment. There are so many development theories out there and no one has definitive answers; they are making educated guesses based on their 2nd experience and opinions, just like anyone else. My advice to you is find out if you have a feminine component that is more than a cerebral wish construct. If you do, it needs to live, as a facet of your existing personality behavior, or as the foundation of your worldly being. If it is not a personality consciousness, then let it go. Transgender people who only wish they were a woman suffer their entire life with thoughts like 'oh, if only I get an operation, I will be a real woman', 'oh, if only I had a boyfriend that treats me as a woman, I'd be a real woman'. If you are like that, you are not a real woman and will only bring suffering upon yourself trying to be something you are not. Do you do activities that feed your feminine nature, like choice of music and such? I really admire naturally femine men. Not ones trying in the slightest to mimic a woman, but with no reservations or restrictions on typically feminine sentiments, expressions, interests, etc. .. Just being an uncensored flow of being with no gender protocol. The other option is to rely on identity to feel a certain way.. 'It's my day off today.. I can laugh and be lazy', 'I'm experiencing my inner child now.. I am free to hula-hoop and imagine fairies in the flowers', 'I am a woman.. I can giggle, pose in the mirror, be a dog, show concern for friends (or whatever else you think is feminine and have repressed or censored)'.The one thing I know about you for certain, is that what you are doing now is not good for you. You are either repressed or living in fantasy. You'd be the one to know the answer to that one.

I think i'm very imaginative, I've always been, and I've always liked to pretend things, I don't know if its repression, I grew up with my mom and my grandma for the most part...that could have something to do with it.

Why I don't hang out with girls? I dunno..just the way it happened I guess, I havn't met too many girls that interest me as friends, and the guy friends I do have I've known for quite some time. I don't really feel comfortable around girls when they start getting flirtatious and stuff like that. If i could, I'd probably rather been born a woman, but that could just be because I'm unhappy with who i am as a male. I dunno, maybe somewhere in side my head I think girls have it easier than guys, ive always been passive, and ever since i was very young i can remember having crushes on other boys. even when i was 6 or 7.

Alot of times i think i do feel genderless, then when i notice this, i start concentrating on being one, usually female. Some times i stop what I'm doing just to imagine what my hair should look like, or what i should be wearing. But i always stay masculine on the outside, its only inside my head that i change.

Oh, and what are those esther things you keep mentioning?

She was a biblical era secretly jewish queen that went from subjugation to power. Sometimes she's renowned for aesthetic prowess and shifting loyalties when circumstances require. I'd just about be making up what that could mean within your life, so draw your own conclusions.
Let me know if you make any headway in your self-discovery.

I read somewhere, can't remember where, but eitehr 8 or 18% (I forgot) of cross-dressers were heterosexual. Some even like to wear their wife/girlfriend's clothes to feel closer to them. Ed Wood (the director) was a prime example of this.

I can't figure out why I think the way I do. Lately I've been trying to pinpoint why my attitudes are so different than other people's. Why certain things don't bother me, that bother others. Our dicussion about violence, plus a recent discussion about apathy, and one about obliviousness got me thinking. I'm not sure if I'm less feeling than most people or what. I'm also having a hard time explaining myself.

Your latest example was the one about being relieved/stressful. You were the only one who presumed it was the person you were around that you were annoyed at.

What else would I be annoyed at? Something that happened hours ago? I don't stay in a bad mood that long.