| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
This topic had many older posts which were moved here:
http://surveycentral.org/forum/General/topic/10761...
| they 
| | #81 posted December 13, 2008 at 9:50am (EST) |
 It's funny because it's true. I wonder why we've let them hold us back for so long.... | Otter
| | #82 posted December 15, 2008 at 2:17pm (EST) |
Understanding Engineers - Take One
Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers - Take Two
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with
those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello, George! What's wrong with that group ahead of us?
They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Four
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers - Take Five
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Six
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers - Take Seven
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers - Take Eight
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a
Princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a
beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for one week and do
anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a
girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool.
| Irene007  
| | #83 posted December 15, 2008 at 8:40pm (EST) |
| Otter
| | #84 posted December 20, 2008 at 7:55am (EST) |
President Elect Barack Obama was visiting a grammar school, when he visited one class; the teacher was discussing words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the President Elect if he would like to lead the discussion on the word tragedy.
So the President Elect asked the class who could give him an example of the word tragedy.
Mary stood and said, “If a child slipped on the ice and fell under a bus and was killed, that would be a tragedy.”
The President Elect said, “No, that would be an accident.”
Billy stood and said, “If a school bus slid off the road and went into the gorge killing everyone on board, that would be a tragedy.”
Barack Obama said, “No, that would be a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Elect Obama said, “Isn’t there anyone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”
Finally, in the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand. Johnny stood and said, “If the airplane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was shot down by a friendly fire missile and blown up, that would be a tragedy.”
“That’s perfect!” Exclaimed the President Elect. “Can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” said Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss, and probably wouldn’t be a freaking accident either.”
| cloudhugger
| | #85 posted December 21, 2008 at 7:26am (EST) |
boooooo!! | Irene007
| | #86 posted December 21, 2008 at 9:05am (EST) |
That joke worked better with Bush... | cabinfever
| #87 posted December 21, 2008 at 10:16pm (EST)
edited December 21, 2008 at 10:16pm (EST) |
I like it.
I don't do socialism... just not my thing. | Irene007
| | #88 posted December 22, 2008 at 10:48am (EST) |
I'm Canadian - we're all about socialism...  | cabinfever
| | #89 posted December 22, 2008 at 9:30pm (EST) |
I know... your taxes are about 80% aren't they? That was some time ago, when my stepmom lived up there... what is it now? | Otter
| | #90 posted December 23, 2008 at 6:25pm (EST) |
And then the fight started...
When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her
someplace expensive...so I took her to a gas station.
And then the fight started...
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we
were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"
"No", she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She
didn't even look at me this time, simply said, "YES!" So I then said,
"OK, I'd like to phone a friend."
And then the fight started...
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for
Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my
driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pocket and realized
I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,
but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said,
"Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver
hair. She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me." And she processed my application. When I got home I excitedly
told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She
said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
Disability, too!"
And then the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason took my
order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He
said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" I said "Nah, she can
order for herself."
And then the fight started...
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and
I was staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone
at a nearby table. My wife asked, "Do you know her?" "Yes", I sighed,
"She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right
after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since." "My God!" exclaimed my wife, "Who would think a person
could go on celebrating that long."
And then the fight started...
A woman was standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She wasn't
happy with what she saw and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect!"
And then the fight started... | Otter
| | #91 posted December 24, 2008 at 6:52pm (EST) |
Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf...........
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'
Number 2 guy says, 'It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'
Number 3 guy says, 'Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car. Reading the manual.'
They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. 'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either sex or golf' ...
She said, 'Take a sweater. It'll be cold.'
| Otter
| | #92 posted December 25, 2008 at 9:00am (EST) |
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street , the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said "well , he was a big muscular and handsome sailor".
"Well , what did he want to do?" They all asked.
She said " I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much".
So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he didn't have that much either".
"Finally I said, well how much do you have"?
The sailor said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said "well, for $25 all I can do is service you by hand".
He agreed and after getting the finance straight, she said "he pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then a second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand"
"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, it must have been huge,then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.
| longhaultrucker
| | #93 posted December 25, 2008 at 7:38pm (EST) |
 | Irene007
| | #94 posted December 30, 2008 at 1:09pm (EST) |
6 affairs
The first affair:
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke
up at 8 PM. The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove
home. "Where have you been?" his wife demanded. "I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon." She looked down at his shoes and said: "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair:
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen. He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery. Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity." So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home. "I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening his briefcase. "My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 'Hurry,' she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you," she said, "pretend you're a statue."
"What's this?" the husband enquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed. Around 2 am the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "Have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair:
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer. 'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.' 'One Cent?' the man exclaimed. He glanced at the
menu and asked: 'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?' 'A nickel,' the barman replied. 'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?' The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.' The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?' The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.
'The 6th Affair:
Joe was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly: 'I have something I must confess.' 'There's no need to,' his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace. I slept with your sister, your best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied, 'now just rest and let the poison work.'
| Frostbrand
| | #95 posted December 30, 2008 at 2:56pm (EST) |
, especially numbers 5 and 6. | Irene007
| | #96 posted December 30, 2008 at 4:09pm (EST) |
I liked #3! | longhaultrucker
| | #97 posted January 1, 2009 at 5:58pm (EST) |
that's good Irene | Irene007
| | #98 posted January 14, 2009 at 1:56pm (EST) |
WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE
A point of view.
Barbara Walters, of television's 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan several years before the Afghan conflict.She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands.
From Ms. Walters' vantage point, despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem to walk even further back behind their husbands, and are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?'
The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, 'Land Mines.'
Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak and where you go).....
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN | longhaultrucker
| | #99 posted January 14, 2009 at 2:00pm (EST) |
| cabinfever
| | #100 posted January 14, 2009 at 10:44pm (EST) |
Copy and paste material, right there. | Irene007
| | #101 posted January 14, 2009 at 10:50pm (EST) |
Yeah... You gotta problem wit dat Cabby?
I figure this is the place for me to put all the crap I get in my email rather than archive it on my own hard drive. Thanks Uncle Bill!
Hey! We have enough material here to publish a freakin' book!! | cabinfever
| | #102 posted January 15, 2009 at 8:37am (EST) |
Wow, I just realized this thread just broke the 100-post mark... thought there were a lot more than that. Probably the length of some of the jokes. | Irene007
| | #103 posted January 15, 2009 at 8:42am (EST) |
Oh shoot! Bill deleted some... | Irene007
| | #104 posted January 16, 2009 at 8:29am (EST) |
Two Women Talking in Heaven!!
1st Woman: Hello! My name is Maggie.
2nd Woman: Hello! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st Woman: I froze to death.
2nd Woman: How awful!
1st Woman: It wasn't so bad. After I stopped shaking from the cold, I
began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd Woman: I died of a massive heart attack I suspected my husband was
cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead I
found him all by himself in the house watching TV.
1st Woman: So what happened?
2nd Woman: I was so sure there was another woman somewhere that I started
running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched
and then down into the cellar. I went through each wardrobe and checked
under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and
finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st Woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd both still be alive.
| EyesOfCharisma
| | #105 posted January 16, 2009 at 12:22pm (EST) |
| cabinfever
| | #106 posted January 18, 2009 at 12:42am (EST) |
*slaps forehead* That's one that keeps you going all the way up 'til the end. | cabinfever
| | #107 posted January 18, 2009 at 12:43am (EST) |
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide.
Let's see now...
No Christmas
No television
No cheerleaders
No nudity
No car races
No football
No soccer
No pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No burgers
No chocolate chip cookies
No lobster
No nachos
No beer nuts
No beer...all of which means no sex until after marriage.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
I mean, really, is there any mystery here? | longhaultrucker
| | #108 posted January 18, 2009 at 12:46am (EST) |
Damn Cabbie i would have killed myself from a bomb long before i joined the Taliban from not having those things... yikes | cabinfever
| | #109 posted January 18, 2009 at 12:48am (EST) |
AND... no SC on top of all that.  | longhaultrucker
| | #110 posted January 18, 2009 at 12:51am (EST) |
I'll stay a american, no Bin Laden 72 virgins when i die blow up american troops b.s. for me, couldn't live like that | Irene007
| | #111 posted January 22, 2009 at 8:52am (EST) |
Escaped Convict
A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'
His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too. | longhaultrucker
| | #112 posted January 22, 2009 at 12:16pm (EST) |
I think i crap my pants, funny joke Irene | Irene007
| | #113 posted January 23, 2009 at 10:19am (EST) |
A LITTLE FLAB !!
One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife, pinched her on the butt and said...
'If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose.'
While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.
The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said....
'You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.'
This was beyond a silent response...
So she rolled over and grabbed him by his 'DANGLER' and with a death grip in place, she said...
'You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother!'
| longhaultrucker
| | #114 posted January 23, 2009 at 12:55pm (EST) |
Death grip on the old testicles? I hate that, my girlfriend did that once because i said her dad was a butt-hole, she put the death grip on and said "what did i hear" i said your dads cool | Otter
| | #115 posted January 30, 2009 at 5:47pm (EST) |
Dear employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).
Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).
All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).
As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P.. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).
We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.IT. you can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!
The Management
| Otter
| | #116 posted January 30, 2009 at 6:02pm (EST) |
A woman goes into a Fishing & Hunting store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which ones to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
A Bass Fishing & Hunting Store associate is standing at the checkout counter wearing dark glasses.
She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"
He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."
She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.
He says, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."
She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"
As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
"Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he says.
She bends down to pick it up and accidentally farts. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realizes there is no way the blind clerk could tell it was
she who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $34.50 please."
The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"
He replies, "Yes, Ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50." | cloudhugger
| | #117 posted January 31, 2009 at 8:33am (EST) |
I laughed through the whole "dear employee" one.
oh crap...blind checkout guy...too funny...can't...type...oh crap that is too funny | Irene007
| | #118 posted February 4, 2009 at 4:36am (EST) |
| longhaultrucker
| | #119 posted February 4, 2009 at 1:59pm (EST) |
| Otter
| | #120 posted February 9, 2009 at 7:51pm (EST) |
A man walks into a drug store with his 10 year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, dad?"
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."
"Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package?"
The dad replies, "Those are for the high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday."
"Cool" says the boy.
He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"
"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."
"WOW!" exclaimed the boy.
"Then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March..............."
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