| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
This topic had many older posts which were moved here:
http://surveycentral.org/forum/General/topic/10761...
| Irene007 
| | #41 posted October 21, 2008 at 9:03am (EST) |
On the first day, God created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said:
'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
The dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. | Irene007
| | #42 posted October 21, 2008 at 9:04am (EST) |
A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN.
OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: 'WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?'
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED, 'MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING,
THE DAUGHTER SAID, 'DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.'
A COUPLE OF DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.
THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED, 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?'
THE HUSBAND REPLIED, ' I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.' | Irene007
| | #43 posted October 21, 2008 at 9:16am (EST) |
The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican , and because they are the seven dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.
'Grumpy, my son,' says the Pope, 'What can I do for you?'
Grumpy asks, 'Excuse me your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome ?'
The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome .'
In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling.
Grumpy turns around and glares, silencing them.
Grumpy turns back, 'Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe ?'
The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers 'No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe .
'This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.
Once again, Grumpy turns around and silences them with an angry glare.
Grumpy turns back and says, 'Mr.. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?'
The Pope, really confused by the questions says, 'I'm sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.'
The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing, pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin
chanting......
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!'
'Grumpy shagged a penguin!' | Irene007
| | #44 posted October 21, 2008 at 9:21am (EST) |
The football coach noticed that his star quarterback, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, 'Just what the hell is your secret”?
So Bubba replies, 'Well Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!”
The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower.
Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, 'That you Bubba?”
| Otter
| | #45 posted October 22, 2008 at 8:50am (EST) |
The ant and the grasshopper
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The ant and the grasshopper
This one is a little different...Two Different Versions! Two Different Morals!
OLD VERSION: The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.
The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be responsible for yourself!
---------------------- ---------------------
MODERN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks the ant is a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.
Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.
CBS, NBC, PBS, CNN, and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast.
How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?
Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'
Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house where the news stations film the group singing, 'We shall overcome.' Jesse then has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.
Nancy Pelosi & John Kerry exclaim in an interview with Larry King that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.
Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity & Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.
The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.
Hillary gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parent welfare recipients.
The ant loses the case.
The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.
The ant has disappeared in the snow.
The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once peaceful neighborhood.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Be careful how you vote in 2008
| Irene007
| | #46 posted October 23, 2008 at 3:18pm (EST) |
A man was riding his Harley beside a Sydney beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice, The Lord said: 'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.' The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to New Zealand so I can ride over anytime I want.' The Lord said; 'Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking, the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind.'
The biker thought hard about it for a long time. Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand our wives. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy'.
The Lord replied:
'You want two lanes or four on that bridge?' | Otter
| | #47 posted October 26, 2008 at 5:29am (EST) |
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.' | cloudhugger 
| | #48 posted October 28, 2008 at 6:44pm (EST) |
VOTING
While walking down the street one day a US senator is hit by a truck and tragically dies.
His soul arrives in heaven and St Peter greets him at the entrance.
'Welcome to heaven,' says St. Peter. 'Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you.'
'No problem, just let me in,' says the man.
'Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.'
'Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,' says the senator.
'I'm sorry, but we have our rules.'
With that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises...
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.
'Now it's time to visit heaven.'
So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
'Well, then, you have spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.'
The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: 'Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.'
So, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above...
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder. 'I don't understand,' stammers the senator. 'Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there is just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?'
The devil looks at him, smiles and says, 'Yesterday we were campaigning... Today you voted.'
| Irene007
| | #49 posted November 2, 2008 at 9:24am (EST) |
Q: How many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer: One! ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And,! ! once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the #&%!* light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL !!
I'm sorry. What was the question? | cloudhugger
| | #50 posted November 3, 2008 at 10:09am (EST) |
tru dat | Otter
| | #51 posted November 5, 2008 at 5:36pm (EST) |
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription." | cloudhugger
| | #52 posted November 6, 2008 at 9:58am (EST) |
  | cloudhugger
| | #53 posted November 7, 2008 at 7:10pm (EST) |
'MARIJUANA FILLED FIREWOOD'
'Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?'
'Yes. What can I do for you?'
'I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith. He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he
gets it inside them logs, but he's hidin' it there.'
'Thank you very much for the call, sir.'
The next day, twelve Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open everypiece of wood, but find no marijuana. They sneer at Virgil and leave.
Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.
'Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop your firewood?'
'Yep!'
'Happy Birthday, buddy!'
| cabinfever
| | #54 posted November 17, 2008 at 10:59pm (EST) |
Otter wrote:
> A man owned a small farm in South Georgia. The Wage and Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages |>to his help and sent an agent to interview him. "You just give me a list of your employees and tell me how
> much you pay them."
> "All right," said the farmer. "I have a hired man. Been with me for three years. I pay him $600 a week, plus room and |>board. I have a cook. She's been here six months. She gets $500 a week plus room and board."
> "Anybody else?" asked the agent as he scribbled on a note pad. "Yeah," the farmer said. "There's
> a half-wit here. Works about eighteen hours a day. I pay him ten dollars a week and give
> him chewing tobacco."
>
> "Aha!" the agent roared. "I want to talk to that half-wit!"
>
> "You're talkin' to him now," said the farmer.
I sent this one to my sister and her hubby... farmers, they are. 
| cabinfever
| | #55 posted November 17, 2008 at 11:11pm (EST) |
Otter wrote:
>
> A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.
>
> Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes
> of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square
> on the nose with a powerful punch.
>
> Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents,
> who thank him endlessly.
> A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the biker says,
> "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
>
> The biker replies, "Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger,
> and acted as I felt right."
>
> The reporter says, "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist from the New York Times, you know,
> and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page... So, what do you do for a living and
> what political affiliation do you have?'"
>
> The biker replies, "I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican." The journalist leaves.
>
> The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads,
> on front page: U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH!
I've been gone too long! I'm e-mailing this one to my family... thanks, Otter! | Otter
| | #56 posted November 18, 2008 at 7:54am (EST) |
The United Way realized that it had never received a donation from the city's
most successful lawyer. So a United Way volunteer paid the
lawyer a visit in his lavish office. The volunteer opened
the meeting by saying, "Our research shows that
even though your annual income is over two million dollars,
you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like
to give something back to your community through the United
Way?"
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says,
"First, did your research also show you that my mother is
dying after a long, painful illness and she has huge medical
bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?"
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbles, "Uh... no, I
didn't know that."
"Secondly," says the lawyer, "did it show that my brother, a
disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and
is unable to support his wife and six children?"
The stricken United Way rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off
again.
"Thirdly, did your research also show you that
my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident,
leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one
of whom is disabled and another that has learning
disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?"
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, says, "I'm so sorry. I had no idea."
The lawyer says,"So, if I didn't give any money to them,
what makes you think I'd give any to you?" | Irene007
| | #57 posted November 19, 2008 at 8:33am (EST) |
You find out interesting things when you have sons, like...
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound
Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Super man cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 x 20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject 'PB & J' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odour is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24.) 80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25.) 80% of Men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid ;)
| Irene007
| | #58 posted November 19, 2008 at 8:44am (EST) |
Something To Offend Nearly Everybody of BOTH sexes - some old, some new:
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins.
What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment.
What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
How can you tell if your wife is dead?
The sex is the same, but the dishes pile up.
How can you tell if your husband is dead?
The sex is the same, but you get the remote control.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.
How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.
Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.
What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.
A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in year 10. Who has the biggest breasts?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.
Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mother-in-laws.
How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.
Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.
I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.
I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced.
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex
drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days."
She looked at him and said,"God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son." | Irene007
| | #59 posted November 19, 2008 at 8:46am (EST) |
What Starts with F and ends with K
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9.'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks , 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut.
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' a nd ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
| Irene007
| | #60 posted November 19, 2008 at 8:58am (EST) |
9 Things I Hate About Everyone
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
2. People who are willing to get UP to search the entire room for the T.V. Remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. And change the channel manually.
3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Punch their lights out!!!!!
5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?
7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
8. When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here ya moron?
| Irene007
| | #61 posted November 19, 2008 at 9:37am (EST) |
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get
about 41 miles to the gallon!
Makes you proud to be an American! | Irene007
| | #62 posted November 19, 2008 at 9:46am (EST) |
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut up and keep walking... | Irene007
| | #63 posted November 19, 2008 at 9:47am (EST) |
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About 2 hours." The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About 3 hours." The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour only."The guy left. The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favour, Follow that guy and see where he goes.
He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back". A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically. The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?" Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, "To your wife."
| Irene007
| | #64 posted November 19, 2008 at 9:48am (EST) |
Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother.
'Frank Brown showed me his willy today!'
Before the mother could raise a concern, Sally went on to say,
'It reminded me of a peanut'
Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, 'Really small was it?'
Sally replied, 'No...salty!'
| Otter
| | #65 posted November 21, 2008 at 3:40am (EST) |
A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face and orders a draft beer.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky bastard, was she pretty?”
"I don’t know...........I never found her head!"
| Irene007
| | #66 posted November 21, 2008 at 8:21am (EST) |
Ewwww! | Otter
| | #67 posted November 21, 2008 at 6:43pm (EST) |
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a
dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first
time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy
everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the
pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack,
10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!' The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the
girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his
head.. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head
down.
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and
whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist." | cabinfever
| | #68 posted November 22, 2008 at 1:38am (EST) |
OH CRAP! BUSTED!! | Melf 
| | #69 posted November 22, 2008 at 4:45am (EST) |
Ahaha | Irene007
| | #70 posted November 22, 2008 at 9:59am (EST) |
Yoohoo!  | EyesOfCharisma
| | #71 posted November 26, 2008 at 4:43pm (EST) |
MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
'Speaking.'
'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'
'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.
'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'
'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.
'Normally we could, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'
'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'
'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'
| cloudhugger
| | #72 posted November 29, 2008 at 7:34pm (EST) |
! | Irene007
| | #73 posted December 1, 2008 at 9:53am (EST) |
Whatever you give a woman, she's going to multiply. If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby.
If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal.
If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her.
So - if you give her any crap, you will receive a ton of crap.
| cloudhugger
| | #74 posted December 5, 2008 at 5:40pm (EST) |
| Otter
| | #75 posted December 9, 2008 at 6:41pm (EST) |
While the C-5 was turning over its engines, a female crewman gave the soldiers on board the usual information regarding seat belts, emergency exits, etc.
Finally, she said, “Now sit back and enjoy your trip while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to Afghanistan.”
An old Master Sergeant, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, “Did I hear her right? Is the captain a woman?”
When the attendant came by he said “Did I understand you right? Is the captain a woman?”
'Yes!” said the attendant, “In fact, this entire crew is female.”
“You gotta be kidding me,” he growled, “I wish I had a coupla stiff drinks. I don't know what to think with only women up there in the cockpit.”
“Oh, that’s another thing, Sergeant,” replied the crew member, “We no longer call it the Cockpit” ......
“It's The Box Office.” | Otter
| | #76 posted December 11, 2008 at 2:26pm (EST) |
Three ladies in a sauna, two were in their 20's and one on the 40ish side. All of a sudden a beep, beep, beep was heard and one of the younger woman pressed her finger on the back of her hand. She explained that recently she had surgery and had a remote button installed for her pager. When the pager beeped, she pushed the button and it automaticly sent the message to her voice mail. Strange but acceptable. Then there was a phone ringing and the other younger woman pressed her finger down on her for arm and the ringing stopped. She also explained that she had surgery and had a button installed under the skin, and when pushed it also sent her phone call to her voice mail. The older lady felt, should we say, technically challenged so she excused herself from the two younger ladies so she could attend the restroom. When the older lady returned, the two younger ladies noticed about 3 feet of toilet paper stuck between the cheeks of the older ladies butt, at which time the older lady said," Oh My!! Look here!! I'm getting a FAX!!!! | Irene007
| #77 posted December 11, 2008 at 8:08pm (EST)
edited December 11, 2008 at 8:08pm (EST) |
The older lady, hmmm... yeah. Somehow I can't associate with her as I'm not technically chalenged so, what's your fudging point?? 
| Otter
| | #78 posted December 12, 2008 at 5:22pm (EST) |
JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her
mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?""
The mother replied, "Because white is the color of happiness, and today
is the happiest day of her life."
The child thought about this for a moment then said, "So why is the
groom wearing black?"
A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she
could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she pr ayed,
"Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord,
please don't let me be late!"
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell,
getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed
herself off, and started running again! As she ran she once again began
to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't
shove me either!"
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The
first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he
calls it a poem, they give him $50."
The s econd boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on
piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to
collect all the money!"
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no
male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I
don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you
had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus
with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied, "They couldn't get a
baby-sitter."
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her
five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy
father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches
us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything,
including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when
they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were
ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny
responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong
preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's
probably just your Dad."
~~ | Irene007
| | #79 posted December 12, 2008 at 10:34pm (EST) |
I laughed out loud at all of them except the last one... I guess it's because I was expecting a play on words - Santa = Satan? I dunno but the others are really cute! | Irene007
| | #80 posted December 13, 2008 at 9:14am (EST) |
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half wild,
fertile and naturally beautiful!
Between 23 and 30, a woman is like Europe, well developed and open to
trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 31 and 35, a woman is like Spain, very hot, relaxed and
convinced of her own beauty.
Between 36 and 40, a woman is like Greece, gently aging but still a
warm and desirable place to visit.
Between 41 and 50, a woman is like Great Britain, with a glorious and
all conquering past.
Between 51 and 60, a woman is like Israel, has been through war and
doesn't make the same mistakes twice, takes care of business.
Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Canada, self-preserving, but open
to meeting new people.
After 70, she becomes Tibet, wildly beautiful, with a mysterious past
and the wisdom of the ages...only
those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge
visit there.
THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN
Between 1 and 70, a man is like Iran, ruled by Nuts.... | | |
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