| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
This topic had many older posts which were moved here:
http://surveycentral.org/forum/General/topic/10761...
| Moogie
| | #241 posted November 20, 2009 at 10:33pm (EST) |
I have a few old people jokes that are kinda funny
You're getting old when you and your teeth don't sleep together. | Moogie
| | #242 posted November 20, 2009 at 10:35pm (EST) |
I thought the ladies were whistling at me until I discovered it was my hearing aid. | Moogie
| | #243 posted November 20, 2009 at 10:36pm (EST) |
And... you're getting old when "getting a little action" means you don't need to take a laxative. | Irene007 
| | #244 posted November 21, 2009 at 2:10pm (EST) |
 You're too young for those ones!! ( I liked the 1st one best!) | cloudhugger 
| | #245 posted November 22, 2009 at 9:22am (EST) |
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, “What’s the matter now?” “Dad was hanging pictures, and just hit his thumb with a hammer,” said Johnny through his tears. “That’s not so serious,” soothed his mother. “I know you are upset, but a big boy like you shouldn’t cry at something like that. Why didn’t you laugh?” “I did!” sobbed Johnny.
| FordGuy 
| | #246 posted November 24, 2009 at 8:39am (EST) |
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled.
"Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over, the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?" | Irene007
| | #247 posted November 24, 2009 at 4:37pm (EST) |
Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street outside a Legion Hall just off the main road in Gander, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.
He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish. A number of other patrons paid no attention to this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally, the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine, dry summer night) flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn, and switched on the headlights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left. At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over. He performed a breathalyzer test on the gentleman who cooperated fully, and to his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, 'I'll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters.
This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the truly proud Newfie,
"Tonight I'm the D.D."
Dumbfounded, the officer said
"Do you mean to say you're the Designated Driver ?"
To which, the Newfie replied
"No, the Designated Decoy."
Gotta love Newfies!
| Irene007
| | #248 posted November 24, 2009 at 4:40pm (EST) |
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they
were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly
jumped into the deep end...
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and
bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to
rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the
person you love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound
mindedness.
The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
How soon can I go home?' | Irene007
| | #249 posted November 25, 2009 at 10:03am (EST) |
THE SPOILED UNDER-30 CROWD
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with walking Twenty-five miles to school every morning.... Uphill... barefoot... BOTH ways Yadda, yadda, yadda...
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they've got it!
But now that... I'm over the ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of today.
You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in Utopia!
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have The Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the darn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog!!
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a pen!
Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox and it would take, like, a week to get there! Stamps were 10 cents!
Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3's or Napsters! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We'd play our favorite tape and "eject" it when finished and the tape would come undone. Cause - that's how we rolled, dig?
We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called they got a busy signal, that's it!
And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either!
When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your mom, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, a collections agent, you just didn't know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
We didn't have any fancy Sony Playstation video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like 'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen... forever!
And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died! Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel! NO REMOTES!!!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying!?! We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little
brats!
And we didn't have microwaves, if we wanted to heat something up we had to use the stove! Imagine that!
That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You're spoiled. You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes back in 1980 or before!
Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd
| cloudhugger
| | #250 posted November 27, 2009 at 2:37pm (EST) |
you are over 40 Irene  but all that crap still totally applies. but we had 8 tracks, they took up the whole back seat of the car | Irene007
| | #251 posted November 27, 2009 at 3:40pm (EST) |
Oh HUSH Cloudy!!  | LindaH   
| | #252 posted December 3, 2009 at 11:42pm (EST) |
A well dressed handsome man caught my eye. I thanked him and put it back in. | Irene007
| | #253 posted December 4, 2009 at 4:18am (EST) |
I had to reread that one! | Frostbrand
| | #254 posted December 4, 2009 at 1:50pm (EST) |
Two guys walk into a bar.
You'd think one of them would've seen it. | Irene007
| | #255 posted December 4, 2009 at 3:22pm (EST) |
| Moogie
| | #256 posted December 4, 2009 at 5:19pm (EST) |
Irene007 wrote:
> I had to reread that one!
Same here! | Iseult
| | #257 posted December 16, 2009 at 6:30pm (EST) |
A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."
| FordGuy
| | #258 posted December 17, 2009 at 7:32am (EST) |
Pass! | Irene007
| | #259 posted December 18, 2009 at 3:27am (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #260 posted December 18, 2009 at 4:20am (EST) |
Proof That The World Is Nuts
In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by death..
(Like THAT mak es sense..)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is prohibited from looking directl y at them during the examination. He may only see their reflection in a mirror.
(Do they look different reversed?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies to undertakers. . The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or piece of wood at all times.
(A brick?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.
(Much worse than 'going blind!')
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the first time
Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.
(Let's just think for a minute; is there
any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.
The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner desired.
way to go Hong Kong !!
(Ah! Justice!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish stores.
(But of course!)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.
(Makes one shudder at the thought.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~
In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her daughter at the same time.
(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
In Maryland , USA it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only 'in places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'
(Is this a great country or what?
Well, not as great as Guam !)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Who volunteers for these tests?)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and a lways falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
(Did our government pay for this research??)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Ah, geez.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
Starfish don't have brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)
*~*~*~*~*~*~ *~*~*~*
And, the best for last?
Turtles can breathe through their butts.
(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)
Thank you all for reading this, if you need to reach me in the future I will be in Guam !!
| Irene007
| | #261 posted December 18, 2009 at 4:21am (EST) |
A winter statistic
98% OF NORTH AMERICANS SAY 'OH CRAP' BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM QUEBEC AND THEY TYPICALLY SAY, 'HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.' | Iseult
| | #262 posted December 18, 2009 at 10:54am (EST) |
Lol, I want to see a video of you saying in that with the Quebekwe accent. | FordGuy
| | #263 posted December 18, 2009 at 3:45pm (EST) |
Is quebekwe a word? | labjog
| | #264 posted December 18, 2009 at 5:46pm (EST) |
It is now  | Irene007
| | #265 posted December 18, 2009 at 7:19pm (EST) |
It is after a 24 of beer! | Irene007
| | #266 posted December 18, 2009 at 7:20pm (EST) |
Oh and that Quebecer accent would be; "Old my beer an' watch dis!" | Irene007
| | #267 posted December 21, 2009 at 8:03am (EST) |
A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry,
then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!' | Iseult
| | #268 posted December 24, 2009 at 7:52pm (EST) |
A physicist, engineer and a statistician are out hunting. Suddenly, a deer appears 50 yards away.
The physicist does some basic ballistic calculations, assuming a vacuum, lifts his rifle to a specific angle, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards short.
The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, lifts his rifle slightly higher, and shoots. The bullet lands 5 yards long.
The statistician yells "We got him!"
A physicist, a biologist and a mathematician sit in a sidewalk cafe, looking at the building across the road. Two people go into the building, then three people come out.
Physicist: "This must be a measuring error!"
Biologist: "This is proof of procreation!"
Mathematician: "If one more person goes into the building, it will be empty!"
| cloudhugger
| | #269 posted December 26, 2009 at 2:34pm (EST) |
That first one took me a while, but then I laughed.
the second one..umm... | Iseult
| | #270 posted December 26, 2009 at 4:02pm (EST) |
You didn't get the second one? | Iseult
| | #271 posted December 26, 2009 at 4:03pm (EST) |
There were more, but I thought these were the best. Few take a while to get. | Iseult
| | #272 posted December 27, 2009 at 4:30pm (EST) |
What's the difference between Santa and Tiger Woods?
Santa stops after three Ho's. | Scott
| | #273 posted December 28, 2009 at 10:06am (EST) |
What's the difference between a Harley Davidson and a vacuum cleaner?
Placement of the dirt bag. | |
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