| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
This topic had many older posts which were moved here:
http://surveycentral.org/forum/General/topic/10761...
| Alleycat
| | #161 posted April 5, 2009 at 6:51am (EST) |
Irene, thank you for keeping this thread alive, Skip would've loved it Thank you also Bill. I know this site would'nt even be here if it were'nt for you folks at SC. | Cain
| | #162 posted April 5, 2009 at 8:17pm (EST) |
The Lone Ranger and Tonto are travelling in the wild west. Hungry and in search of dinner, the Lone Ranger tells Tonto to do one of his neat native american tricks to find them some food. Tonto puts his ear to the ground and stoutly declares 'Hmmm, Buffalo come'. The Lone Ranger, excited at the prospect of a good meal, says 'Geez Tonto, how do you know? Can you pick up the vibrations from a herd out there?' Tonto's reply - 'Ear sticky'. | cloudhugger 
| | #163 posted April 6, 2009 at 12:32pm (EST) |
Irene007 wrote:
> **The Lone Ranger's Last Request"
| cloudhugger
| | #164 posted April 7, 2009 at 4:35pm (EST) |
Amazing medical facts
An Israeli doctor says: 'Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor says: 'That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says: 'In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
An American Texas doctor, not to be outdone, says: 'You guys are way behind, we recently took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House for eight years, and now half the country is looking for work.
| cloudhugger
| | #165 posted April 7, 2009 at 4:51pm (EST) |
from an e-mail...
Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife... A guy who purchased
his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:
Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....?? WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! .... I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, our cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood living target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Was I wrong?
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it dipcrap,' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.
Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not be able to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative! FOLKS IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it was originally. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.
Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!
Ps... My wife can't stop laughing about my experience, she loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!
| JessicaWoman99
| | #166 posted April 7, 2009 at 5:10pm (EST) |
Another one bites the dust sheesh | Irene007 
| | #167 posted April 8, 2009 at 11:34pm (EST) |
Alleycat wrote:
> Irene, thank you for keeping this thread alive, Skip would've loved
> it Thank you also Bill. I know this site would'nt even be here if
> it were'nt for you folks at SC.
It's my pleasure, literally - it was my favourite post from Otter and visited it daily. | Irene007
| | #168 posted April 19, 2009 at 5:32pm (EST) |
What size?
A man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, 'Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a pile-up on the freeway.. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, but..... something happened. I'm trying to break this gently, but the fact is, your willy was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.'
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, 'You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did -better in fact! But the thing is, it doesn't come cheap. It's $1000 an inch.'
The man perks up at this. 'So,' the doctor says, 'it's for you to decide how many inches you want.. But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher this time, she might be disappointed. So it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.'
The man agrees to talk with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day.’ So,' says the doctor, 'have you spoken with your wife?'
'I have,' says the man.
'And has she helped you in making the decision?'
'Yes, she has,' says the man.
'And what is it?' asks the doctor.
'We're getting granite countertops.' | cloudhugger
| | #169 posted April 21, 2009 at 6:57pm (EST) |
A man and a woman was sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A
few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more violently than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, 'I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?'
'I am so sorry if I've disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm..'
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. I have never heard of that condition before' he said. 'Are you taking anything for it?'
The woman nodded 'Pepper'
| JessicaWoman99
| | #170 posted April 21, 2009 at 8:05pm (EST) |
Ha" wow funny | Irene007
| | #171 posted April 22, 2009 at 11:58pm (EST) |
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my Husband (the dear) purchased a week of
personal training at the local health club for me.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football
cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead
and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainernamed
Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club
encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting
for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the
skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics classafter my workout
today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to
be a FANTASTIC week-!!
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air
then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill,
but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I
feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
_
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a
hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer
or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the
morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY
annoying...
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair
monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me
get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_
THURSDAY:
butt-hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his
thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and
hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny dog to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_
FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any
other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
anorexic little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I
could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or
anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition
teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach
or the choir director?
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly
voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made
me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the
strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight
hours of the Weather Channel.
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
husband will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a
hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would
have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
| FauxLo
| | #172 posted April 23, 2009 at 1:33am (EST) |
 THAT was really awesome! I loved it. | cloudhugger
| | #173 posted April 23, 2009 at 7:56pm (EST) |
YOUR AGE BY CHOCOLATE MATH
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have chocolate (more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50 -- I'll wait while you get the calculator
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1759 ..If you haven't, add 1758.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.
You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to have chocolate each week).
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2009) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS.
Darn Hershey Man knows all!
| Iseult  
| | #174 posted April 23, 2009 at 8:26pm (EST) |
It ididn't work for me because I tried to do this in my head.
I came out with the number 49. | Irene007
| | #175 posted April 23, 2009 at 11:20pm (EST) |
I'm only 8 years old and I did it in my head and on paper... Uh oh! Just realized that I skipped #6 entirely - now it works!!  | Melf
| | #176 posted April 24, 2009 at 7:33am (EST) |
Ooh get that. | Irene007
| | #177 posted May 4, 2009 at 2:52pm (EST) |
The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door.
Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain
your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw
print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it
becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in
the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me
to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall
faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about
this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your
comfort, however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they
sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched
out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails
straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize
space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some
miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not
necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under
the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door
I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline
attendance is not required.
The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other
dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.
Finally, in fairness, dear pets, I have posted the following message on
the front door:
TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:
(1) They live here. You don't.
(2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
That's why they call it 'fur'-niture.
(3) I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
(4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who
are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.
Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they
(1) eat less,
(2) don't ask for money all the time,
(3) are easier to train,
(4) normally come when called,
(5) never ask to drive the car,
(6) don't hang out with drug-using people;
(7) don't smoke or drink,
(8) don't want to wear your clothes,
(9) don't have to buy the latest fashions,
(10) don't need a gazillion dollars for college and
(11) if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!
| cloudhugger
| | #178 posted May 6, 2009 at 7:57am (EST) |
I love it! | cloudhugger
| | #179 posted May 16, 2009 at 8:18am (EST) |
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.
The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away..
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
| cloudhugger
| | #180 posted May 21, 2009 at 11:09am (EST) |
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots,But they only know how to say one thing.'
'What do they say?' the priest inquired.
They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment.
'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship,
And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.'
Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'
The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house.
As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots
Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:
Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot
And exclaimed,
'Put the beads away, Frank.
Our prayers have been answered!'
| Irene007
| | #181 posted May 21, 2009 at 2:57pm (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #182 posted May 25, 2009 at 8:10am (EST) |
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.
"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?"
The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."
"Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or a relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."
| Irene007
| | #183 posted May 25, 2009 at 8:14am (EST) |
Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.
Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'
Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy,
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way With me two times!'
Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'
Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
| Irene007
| | #184 posted May 25, 2009 at 8:14am (EST) |
Husband asks his wife: "How many men have you slept with?"
His wife proudly replies: "Only you darling, with all the others, I was awake!"
| cloudhugger
| | #185 posted May 26, 2009 at 10:17am (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #186 posted May 27, 2009 at 1:57pm (EST) |
Going Fishing
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog and fishing equipment, slipped
quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage,
turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would
be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house and slipped back into bed, where
my wife was turned away from me. I whispered to her, "The
weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 20 years replied, "Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that mess?"
I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I've
stopped fishing.
| Irene007
| | #187 posted May 29, 2009 at 1:26am (EST) |
THE KOALA AND THE LIZARD
A koala was sitting in a gum tree... Smoking a joint...
When a little lizard walked past, looked up and said,
'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'
The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'
So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.
After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.
The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river.
A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'
The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said,
'Hey you!'
So the koala looked down at him and said,
'Shoji dude... How much water did you drink??!?' | Irene007
| | #188 posted May 30, 2009 at 9:38am (EST) |
A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.
A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."
He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself!
| cloudhugger
| | #189 posted June 2, 2009 at 2:30pm (EST) |
For those of you who missed church on Sunday, here is a recap!!!
Four worms and a lesson to be learned.
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol - Dead
The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation -
What did you learn from this demonstration???
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,
'As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'
That pretty much ended the service.
| cloudhugger
| | #190 posted June 3, 2009 at 8:36am (EST) |
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age. (I just turned 60.)
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'
'No,' I said.
He looked at me and said,... 'Then, why do you even give a crap?
| cerealkiller
| | #191 posted June 3, 2009 at 5:52pm (EST) |
Obama
Biggest joke of all.......................... | Iseult
| | #192 posted June 3, 2009 at 9:55pm (EST) |
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute.
“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!” | Frostbrand
| | #193 posted June 3, 2009 at 11:31pm (EST) |
cerealkiller wrote:
> Obama
>
>
>
> Biggest joke of all..........................
You keep saying that, but...
Well, you'll always say it. No matter what happens. You are not an intellectual person. You are the biggest joke on this thread. And a damn funny one at that. | cloudhugger
| | #194 posted June 15, 2009 at 1:32pm (EST) |
Four expectant fathers were in the hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins.”
“Wow!” the man said. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
A little while later, the nurse returned and told the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”
“Amazing! That’s really a coincidence,” he said. “I work for the 3M Corporation.”
An hour later, the nurse came back and announced to the third man that his wife had given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he could barely speak. “I don’t believe it. I work for the Four Seasons Hotel.”
The fourth guy, who had looked more and more unhappy with each development, fainted. When finally revived, he shook his head and was heard to whisper…. “I should have never taken that job at 7-Eleven…”.
| cloudhugger
| | #195 posted June 18, 2009 at 11:46am (EST) |
The Laziest Man
A foreman had ten very lazy men working for him. One day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up."
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
| FordGuy
| | #196 posted June 18, 2009 at 11:59am (EST) |
A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name..
He replied, "She called Four Horses"..
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"
| bill
| | #197 posted August 1, 2009 at 11:57am (EST) |
re-opened! | cloudhugger
| | #198 posted August 1, 2009 at 12:28pm (EST) |
Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:
Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.
So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.
I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.
I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
| cloudhugger
| | #199 posted August 1, 2009 at 12:35pm (EST) |
When a waitress in a New York City restaurant brought him the soup du jour, the customer was a bit dismayed.
"Good heavens," he said, "what is this?"
"Why, it's bean soup," she replied.
"I don't care what it has been," he sputtered. "What is it now?"
| Frostbrand
| | #200 posted August 1, 2009 at 3:01pm (EST) |
What did the Dalek English teacher say to its students?
"Enunciate! Enunciate!" | | |
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