| | | Author | Message |
|---|
Otter
| | #1 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
This topic had many older posts which were moved here:
http://surveycentral.org/forum/General/topic/10761...
| Irene007 
| | #2 posted August 14, 2008 at 1:22pm (EST) |
Why men don't write advice columns
Dear Walter:
I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in the bedroom with a neighbor lady making mad passionate love to her. I am 32, my husband is 34 and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that he'd been having an affair for the past six months.
I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. I don't feel I can get through to him anymore.
Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Mrs.. Sheila Usk
Dear Sheila:
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the jubilee clips holding the vacuum pipes onto the inlet manifold. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburetor float chamber.
I hope this helps.
Walter
| EyesOfCharisma 
| | #3 posted August 14, 2008 at 3:42pm (EST) |
A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand
and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Internal Revenue
Service, ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, cowboy," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes." "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."
*POOF*
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
*POOF*
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says.. "I wish that no matter where
I go, beautiful women will want and need me."
*POOF*
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached. | EyesOfCharisma
| | #4 posted August 14, 2008 at 3:54pm (EST) |
A father asks his 10-year-old son if he knows about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know!” the child says, bursting into tears. “Promise me you won’t tell me!”
Confused, the father asks what’s wrong.
“Oh, dad,” the boy sobs. “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech. At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no tooth fairy’ speech. If you’re going to tell me that adults don’t really fudge, I’ll have nothing left to live for.” | Irene007
| | #5 posted August 15, 2008 at 3:17am (EST) |
 | Irene007
| | #6 posted August 15, 2008 at 3:18am (EST) |
Ya gotta laugh EOC! It doens't cost a thing!  Chin up Babe! Don't let all the hard times mess up the simple good times that happen every moment... | EyesOfCharisma
| | #7 posted August 15, 2008 at 8:53am (EST) |
I am trying  | Otter
| | #8 posted August 18, 2008 at 8:54am (EST) |
On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to economy since she did not have a first class ticket.
The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York and I'm not moving."
The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what should he do.
The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde. I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the economy section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?"
Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
| Irene007
| | #9 posted August 18, 2008 at 1:25pm (EST) |
How to Make a Woman Happy
It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:
1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food
| Irene007
| | #10 posted August 23, 2008 at 9:25am (EST) |
A married couple was invited to a Halloween party. That night, as they were getting ready to go out, the wife said she had developed a migraine headache and had to stay home. She told her husband to go to the party without her. 'Don't let me spoil a good time for you,' she said. After further discussion, the husband put his costume on and went to the party. The wife took some aspirin and went to bed.
After sleeping for a while, she woke feeling much better and decided to go to the party and surprise her husband. As she was getting ready, she thought to herself, 'I wonder what my husband really does when I'm not around.' She then got into a different costume, so her husband wouldn't recognize her, and went to the party. Getting there, she stood off to the side and watched.
There was her husband dancing with one girl after another and getting very physical with them. She decided to see just how far he would go. She went up to him and started dancing with him, got very close and whispered that they should go outside. Going to one of the cars, they made love. Prior to the midnight unmasking, she left and went home to wait for her husband to return so she could confront him.
He arrived home about 1:00 a.m. and climbed into bed. She sat up and asked 'Well, how was the party?' He replied, 'It was no fun without you honey.' She said, 'I don't believe you. I bet you had lots of fun!' He replied, 'Really, Honey. When I got to the party, some of the guys and I got bored and we went downstairs and played poker all night. But you know, that guy I loaned my costume to had one hell of a great time. | Irene007
| | #11 posted August 23, 2008 at 9:25am (EST) |
MTHE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here
it is:
In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the
woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do
something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get
any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the
way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system:
SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed... 1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows...0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets...-1
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings... 5
But return with beer ...-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night ...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.... 5
You pummel it with a six iron.... 10
It's her father...-10
You leave the toilet seat up...-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex...-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom...-2
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS
You stay by her side the entire party...0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy...-2
Named Tiffany...-4
Tiffany is a dancer...-6
Tiffany has implants...-8
HER BIRTHDAY
You take her out to dinner...0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar... 1
Okay, it is a sports bar...-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night...-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team...-10
THOUGHTFULNESS
You forget her birthday completely...-20
You forget your anniversary...-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast...-60
A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
Go out with a pal ...-5
And the pal
is happily married ...-4
Or frighteningly single ...-7
And he
drives a Mustang...-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N
BED) ...-15
You have a few beers...-9
And miss curfew by an hour...-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call...-20
You get home at 3 am...-30
You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars ...-40
And not wearing any pants...-50
Is that a tattoo??...-200
HER NIGHT OUT
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work... 5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home real late... 10
You wait up... 15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed... 20
A NIGHT OUT
You take her to a movie... 2
You take her to a movie she likes... 4
You take her to a movie you hate... 6
You take her to a movie you like...-2
It's called DeathCop 3...-3
Which features cyborgs having sex...-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...-15
FLOWERS
You buy her flowers only when it's expected...0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it... 20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself... 30
And she contracts Lyme disease...-25
YOUR PHYSIQUE
You develop a noticeable potbelly...-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it... 10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts...-30
You say 'I don't give a damn because you have one too'....-800
FINANCES
You spend a lot of money on something impractical... 5
Something she can't use... 10
Such as a motorized model airplane...-20
And you buy her a clock radio for her birthday...-40
DRIVING
You let her tell you how to drive... 20
You let her mother tell you how to drive... 40
You lost the directions on a trip...-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost...-10
You end up getting lost because you followed her directions ... 10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal...-25
You know them...-60
THE BIG QUESTION
She asks, 'Do I look fat?'...-5 (Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding...-10
You reply, 'Where?'...-35
COMMUNICATION
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression...0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.... 5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV... 10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...-20
| Irene007
| | #12 posted August 23, 2008 at 9:26am (EST) |
Jack goes to the doctor and says 'Doc I'm having trouble getting my penis erect, can you help me?'
After a complete examination the doctor tells Jack, 'Well the problem with you is that the muscles around the base of your penis are damaged. There's really nothing I can do for you except if you're willing to try an experimental treatment.'
Jack asks sadly, 'What is this treatment?' 'Well,' the doctor explains, 'what we would do is take the muscles from the trunk of a baby elephant and implant them in your penis.'
Jack thinks about it silently then says, 'Well the thought of going through life without ever having sex again is too much, lets go for it.'
A few weeks after the operation Jack was given the green light to use his improved equipment. He planned a romantic evening for his girl friend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in the city. In the middle of dinner he felt a stirring between his legs that continued to the point of being uncomfortable.
To release the pressure Jack unzipped his fly. His penis immediately sprung from his pants, went to the top of the table, grabbed a dinner roll and then returned to his pants.
His girl friend was stunned at first but then said with a sly smile, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'
Jack replied, 'Well, I guess so, but I'm not sure I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!'
| cloudhugger
| | #13 posted August 24, 2008 at 10:59am (EST) |
>THE MAN'S POINTS SYSTEM
I was studying that point system. that is very well put together. It took a while to read it. | Otter
| | #14 posted August 25, 2008 at 11:49am (EST) |
When You've Been Married Too Long
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men.
That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said 'What's for dinner Batman?'" | Irene007
| | #15 posted August 31, 2008 at 1:38am (EST) |
A young woman goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red "H" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue "Y" on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.
A couple of days later, another young woman comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green "M" on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.
"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?"
| Irene007
| | #16 posted August 31, 2008 at 1:39am (EST) |
The setting is a quiet and serene country stream weaving through the gentle hills of a grassy plain. All is quiet and still, and, lo, a small fly hovers a few inches above the quiet waters of the stream.
Beneath the water floats a small fish. The fish thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, I will be able to jump out of the water and catch it.
Now, standing on the bank of the stream lurks a bear. The bear looks at the scene and thinks to itself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will jump out of the water to catch it, and I will be able to dash into the stream and snap up the fish in my mouth.
Crouching nearby the stream, in the tall grass, waits a hunter. The hunter looks at the scene and thinks to himself, if that fly drops just two inches, then the fish will spring out of the water to catch it, then bear will dash out into the river, and I'll get a clear shot at the bear.
Sitting at the entrance to its hole, is a small field mouse. Looking at the scene, the mouse thinks to itself, if that fly just drops two inches, then fish will leap out of the water, the bear will rush out at the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and I'll have just enough time to run out and grab the cheese in the hunter's sack.
Lazing in a tree which overhangs the river, is a cat. The cat looks down at the scene, and thinks to itself, if that fly drops two inches, the fish will jump up to catch it, and the bear will come out to catch the fish, the hunter will take a shot at the bear, and the mouse will run to get the cheese . .. then I'll be able to pounce down onto the mouse as it leaves its hole.
Suddenly, the fly drops two inches . . .
Immediately everyone is thrown into wild furious action. The fish leaps out of the water, and snaps the fly in its mouth. The bear lunges into the stream and catches the fish in its mouth. The hunter bursts out of his grassy cover and fires at the bear. The mouse forgets totally about the cheese, and the cat gets such a fright it overbalances and falls into the stream . . .
What's the moral of the story?
If a fly drops two inches, a pussy gets wet!
| Irene007
| | #17 posted August 31, 2008 at 1:40am (EST) |
Two men were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow, and were holding up the men's game.
"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" asked the first man. The other man shook his head. "I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," said the first man, emphatically, "Enough is enough."
He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.
"Oh God," he said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask those women if we can play through. You see, one of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The other man shrugged, and said "No sweat." He walked over toward the women, and just as he was getting close, turned around and came running back to his pal. His eyes wide open, he said, "Small world!" | Otter
| | #18 posted September 7, 2008 at 11:24am (EST) |
Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what 's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."
Little Tony said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's Mum wants to talk to you." | Otter
| | #19 posted September 10, 2008 at 6:28pm (EST) |
Bill and John, two lumberjacks, are out cutting timber one cold day when Bill starts to complain about always having chapped lips then notices John never does. "Why don't you ever have chapped lips?" asks Bill.
John answers, "It's simple - watch..."
John drops his pants, bends over and sticks his finger up his butt, then rubs his finger all over his lips.
"Does that keep you from getting chapped lips"? Bill asks,
"No" replies John, "but it sure keeps me from licking them"!.....
| Otter
| | #20 posted September 15, 2008 at 4:25pm (EST) |
A man charges into a bank wearing a ski mask and wielding a handgun. He shouts; "This is a robbery, everyone get on the floor," and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his mask. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts; "Did anybody else here see my face?"
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his
gun around.
There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse.... "
| Irene007
| | #21 posted September 18, 2008 at 8:40pm (EST) |
Working people frequently ask retired people what we do to make our days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown to go to the News Stand for the Wall Street Journal so I could track my investments. I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. I said to him, 'Come on, man, don't you have anything better to do than write a retired person a ticket? Why aren't you out chasing crooks or drunk drivers...that's out of your league, obviously!!! He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a 'Nazi.' He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him 'Barney Fife'. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn't care..... I came downtown on the bus. The car that he was putting the tickets on had a bumper sticker that said 'OBAMA in 08'. I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important to my health. | Irene007
| | #22 posted September 19, 2008 at 2:26pm (EST) |
Unfortunately, the old man's language was not the cleanest, and it would seem that the parrot picked up on this. The nephew did not like this, and tried to break the parrot of its swearing habit. He tried everything. He played religious music, he was kind to the bird, he spent long hours trying to teach it manners. Finally, one day, he became so frustrated, he threw the parrot into the freezer.
'There,' he said. 'Maybe he'll cool off in there.'
For the first few seconds, the parrot swore a blue streak inside that freezer. Then, suddenly, the parrot fell silent.
A few moments later, the nephew heard from within the freezer, 'If you would be so kind as to let me out, I promise to rectify my unsavory vocabulary.'
Shocked and surprised, the nephew quickly opened the door and removed the chilly but sedate bird. Before he could say anything, however, the parrot spoke.
'If you don't mind, may I ask what the chicken did?'
| Irene007
| | #23 posted September 19, 2008 at 2:26pm (EST) |
This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.
Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her ,'Why the turkey and Santa?'
She replied, 'I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!'
An old man died and left his talking parrot to his nephew.
| Irene007
| | #24 posted September 19, 2008 at 2:29pm (EST) |
It's the day after Christmas and young Johnny rides his new bike up to a stop light where a policeman on his horse is waiting for the light to change.
The policeman looks over at Johnny and says, 'Got that bike for Christmas, sonny?'
The youngster responds, proudly, 'Ya, Santa brought it for me.'
The policeman then proceeds to write the young fellow a bicyle violation ticket for not having a reflector on the back bumper and hands it to him saying, 'Well, next time you better tell him to put a light on it.'
Johnny looks at the citation, looks back up at the cop and says, 'And did Santa bring you that horse?'
Humouring the youngster, the policeman answers, 'Why, yes, he did.'
To which Johnny responds, 'Well, next time you better tell him to put the dick underneath the horse, not on top.'
| Irene007
| | #25 posted September 19, 2008 at 2:30pm (EST) |
Atlanta School Board
The Atlanta School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over Ebonics, has decided to designate Southern slang, or 'Hickphonics,' as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:
HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.
HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage: 'Heidi. Hire yew.'
BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive 'to borrow.' Usage: 'My brother bard my pickup truck.'
JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta. Usage: 'My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.'
MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division. Usage: 'My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts.'
IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See 'Arkansas native.' Usage: 'Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!'
RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage: 'I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.'
ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage: 'I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.'
FAR -- noun. A conflagration. Usage: 'If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far.'
BAHS -- noun. A supervisor. Usage: 'If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!'
TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel. Usage: 'Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck.'
TIRE -- noun. A tall monument. Usage: 'Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.'
RETARD -- Verb. To stop working. Usage: 'My grampaw retard at age 65.'
TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted. Usage: 'I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred.'
FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.
ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.
RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege. Usage: 'We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats.'
FARN -- adjective. Not local. Usage: 'I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country.'
DID -- adjective. Not alive. Usage: 'He's did, Jim.'
EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA). Usage: 'He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!'
BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable. Usage: 'Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.'
JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction. Usage: 'Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?'
HAZE -- a contraction. Usage: 'Is Bubba smart?' 'Nah... haze ignert.'
SEED -- verb, past tense.
VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun. Usage: 'I ain't never seed New York City... view?'
| Otter
| | #26 posted September 21, 2008 at 8:01am (EST) |
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans , with a box of crabs.
A female crew member took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, which she did.
The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen if she let the crabs thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York , she announced over the intercom to the entire cabin, 'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?'
Not one hand went up..so she took them home and ate them herself.
Men never learn.
| Melf 
| | #27 posted September 22, 2008 at 12:02pm (EST) |
Q. Why can't Catholic priests travel at the speed of light?
A. Because they have mass. | dab 
| | #28 posted September 22, 2008 at 3:50pm (EST) |
@melf - A physics joke! You're my hero. | Melf
| | #29 posted September 22, 2008 at 4:56pm (EST) |
| Irene007
| | #30 posted September 24, 2008 at 4:46pm (EST) |
One Day The President was out jogging without his guards.
All of a sudden a man with a ski mask jumped out from behind some bushes with a gun.
The masked man said 'Give me all your money!'
Unwilling to do so, the President said, 'You can't do this, I'm the President!' The man then replied,... 'Oh, never mind then. Give me MY money!'
| Irene007
| | #31 posted September 29, 2008 at 11:47am (EST) |
After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and He doesn't travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb 'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes Back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got there, the Mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'Governor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'Who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
Chief: 'What makes you think it's God?' .........
Cop: 'He's got the f**ing Pope as a chauffeur!'
| Irene007
| | #32 posted September 29, 2008 at 11:48am (EST) |
Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, 'Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and
get me slippers?'
'No bother,' he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two
stunning 19 year old twin daughters sitting on their beds.
'Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both.'
'Fook off you liar!'
'I'll prove it,' Murphy says. So he shouts down the stairs, 'Both of dem,Paddy?'
'Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?' | Otter
| | #33 posted October 6, 2008 at 2:10pm (EST) |
Scotish cop
The Glasgow cop
A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Glasgow copper.
He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer from London and is certain that he has a better education then any Jock cop. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Glasgow cop's expense!
Glasgow cop says," License and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What for?"
Glasgow cop says, "Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
London Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Glasgow cop says, "Ye still didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration, please."
London Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Glasgow cop says, "The difference is, ye huvte come tae a complete stop, that's the law, licence and registration, please!"
London Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my licence and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Glasgow cop says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
The London Lawyer exits his vehicle.
The Glasgow cop takes out his baton and starts beating the heck out of the lawyer and says, "Dae ye want me to stop, or jest slow doon | Otter
| | #34 posted October 6, 2008 at 2:17pm (EST) |
Flickin' yer Bic?
Once upon a time, Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light. "Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter," he replied and reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.
"Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster??"
"Vell, its a long story..." replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie."
"You haff a genie?" Sven asked.
"Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box,"said Ole.
"Could I see him?" Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie. Sven says, "Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?"
"Yes I will", the genie said, so Sven asks him for a million bucks.
The genie immediately hopped back into the tackle box and left Sven waiting for his million bucks.
Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard! There were so many ducks, the sounds of the wings was like thunder!
Sven yells to Ole, "I asked for a million Bucks, not Ducks!"
Ole replied "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"
| Irene007
| | #35 posted October 6, 2008 at 3:34pm (EST) |
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER: *Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS: *You could be a winner! No purchasenecessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP: *Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION: *Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX: *Fits one head.
ON TESCO'S TIRIMISU DESSERT: *Do not turn upside down. (Printedon the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING: *Product will be hot afterheating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON: *Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE: *Do not drive car or operatemachinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID): *Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE: *Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS: *For indoor oroutdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR: *Not to be used for the otheruse.
ON SAINSBURY'S PEANUTS: *Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS: *Instructions: openpacket, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW: *Do not attempt to stop chain with yourhands. | Otter
| | #36 posted October 7, 2008 at 11:14am (EST) |
Daddy's car in the woods?
Little Johnny watched his
Daddy's' car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
In a passionate embrace.
Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as
he ran home and started to tell his mother.
'Mommy, I was at the playground and
I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to
Look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his
Pants off, then Aunt Jane ...'
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'
At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with
Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.'
| Otter
| | #37 posted October 7, 2008 at 2:51pm (EST) |
HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first place.
Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss?
The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.
Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special services.'
Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.
This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right -- a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do everything myself?
Sincerely,
Bill Clinton | Irene007
| | #38 posted October 9, 2008 at 1:01am (EST) |
Good ones!! | Irene007
| | #39 posted October 19, 2008 at 5:02pm (EST) |
AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
1: When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive.....so, I took her to a gas station.....and that's how the fight started....
2: I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the coldcream. And that's how the fight started.
3: After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbuttonyour shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'. And that's how the fight started.....
4: My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed,'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long? And that's how the fight started.....
5: I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were along side the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, Ilooked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that'show the fight started.....
6: I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?' 'Nah, she can order for herself.' And that's how the fight started..... | Irene007
| | #40 posted October 21, 2008 at 8:48am (EST) |
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the man offered. 'Once, on a trip to Sturgis in the Black Hills, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed and asked, 'When did this happen?'
'Just a couple minutes ago...'
| | |
Topic Page Hits: 6 today (5,582 in the last 30 days) |
